Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street.

He asked her name ?

Polo, I'm the one with the hole she said with a Whisper.

I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts, he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs which was a Kinder Surprise for her,

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But three days later his Sherbet Dib Dab started to itch .....

turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett who had Allsorts !

[laislica]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says. "This is phenomenal; you've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers".

"Hang on," the man says. "All I need to do is take two aspirins, they stop me winking!"...

"Really" says the interviewer? "Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country."

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[laislica]

A wealthy Nigerian Prince has died and left all his millions to a cat.

He said he tried to give away his fortune for years, but no one ever responded to his e-mails.

[laislica]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Uvz6cM_LeW4

[bangkokpoppys]

Definitely in the wrong section - brilliant!

[bangkokpoppys]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Uvz6cM_LeW4

I have crapped my pants at the guys that have shot themselves in the hip trying to be quick draw cowboys…..hillarious.

this doesn't belong in this forum - it is too funny!

[laislica]

Sorry folks, I'll go back to my 1954 copy of the Brownie Book of Jokes....

OK, I think I'm back on track - with this?

In 1957, several cities were vying to host the 1964 Winter Olympics. Candidates had been eliminated to the point where the only two left were Singapore and Nevers, France. The French venue had an obvious advantage for the games, but the Singaporeans were eager to host the games in their country, so they developed a snow-making machine. Because of technical glitches, the machine produced snow only part of the time. The rest of the time it produced steam, and you can't ski on steam. So they made a last-ditch effort to perfect the machine, knowing that the deadline for a decision from the committee was nigh. To bring moral support and entertainment to the workers, they brought in Elvis Presley, who mounted the stage and said, "Well, today's the day your machine must produce snow. If it belches out steam, the games will go to France. So this is it. It's snow, or Nevers."

[laislica]

"A Farewell to Arms" is Ernest Hemingway's novel about an American soldier in Italy during World War I. He falls in love with a nurse in the hospital, decides to go AWOL, and rows all night with her in a boat from Italy to Switzerland to evade the authorities.

His girl friend was sitting in the stern of the boat, and he was rowing in the middle. At one point he said, "Cath, I love you."

She said, "Pardon?"

He said, "I said I love you."

She still didn't hear him, so he removed an oar from the lock, moved up to the stern, resumed steering the boat from that position, and said again, "I love you."

She said, "I love you too, but why are you standing there sculling when you can do so much better rowing where you were?"

He said, "You are undoubtedly right: I just sculled to say I love you."

[billd766]

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street.

He asked her name ?

Polo, I'm the one with the hole she said with a Whisper.

I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts, he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs which was a Kinder Surprise for her,

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But three days later his Sherbet Dib Dab started to itch .....

turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett who had Allsorts !

I ran out of likes so I will do it the hard way.

Billd766 likes this.

[laislica]

A farmer lived in ancient Rome. He was working in the fields one day when he came across a giant strawberry, about one foot wide and 18 inches high. He thought this would be a novelty that many would want to see, so he took it home, washed it off, and set up a display in a case. He advertised the giant strawberry far and wide, and people came from all over to see the exhibit. He charged admission and made a pile of money.

However, he failed to report his earnings to the tax authorities, so they came to his farm to confiscate the exhibit. When they arrived at his door, he said, "I suppose you have come all this way to admire my exhibit as well?"

"No," they said. "We've come to seize your berry, not to praise it."

[laislica]

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

[bangkokpoppys]

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

back to the brownie book - this one is too good for here!!

[bangkokpoppys]

"A Farewell to Arms" is Ernest Hemingway's novel about an American soldier in Italy during World War I. He falls in love with a nurse in the hospital, decides to go AWOL, and rows all night with her in a boat from Italy to Switzerland to evade the authorities.

His girl friend was sitting in the stern of the boat, and he was rowing in the middle. At one point he said, "Cath, I love you."

She said, "Pardon?"

He said, "I said I love you."

She still didn't hear him, so he removed an oar from the lock, moved up to the stern, resumed steering the boat from that position, and said again, "I love you."

She said, "I love you too, but why are you standing there sculling when you can do so much better rowing where you were?"

He said, "You are undoubtedly right: I just sculled to say I love you."

definitely on track with this one, it's terrible!!!

[WitawatWatawit]

"A Farewell to Arms" is Ernest Hemingway's novel about an American soldier in Italy during World War I. He falls in love with a nurse in the hospital, decides to go AWOL, and rows all night with her in a boat from Italy to Switzerland to evade the authorities.

His girl friend was sitting in the stern of the boat, and he was rowing in the middle. At one point he said, "Cath, I love you."

She said, "Pardon?"

He said, "I said I love you."

She still didn't hear him, so he removed an oar from the lock, moved up to the stern, resumed steering the boat from that position, and said again, "I love you."

She said, "I love you too, but why are you standing there sculling when you can do so much better rowing where you were?"

He said, "You are undoubtedly right: I just sculled to say I love you."

definitely on track with this one, it's terrible!!!

Agree. - terrible. Have to work hard to beat it, beat it,

[WitawatWatawit]

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."

Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you possibly tell me, after this???"

Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

[laislica]

A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.

After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help. The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo D**k."

"How does it work?" asked the businessman.

The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo D**k from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo D**k that door." The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half.

"Fantastic," said the man. "I'll take it!"

He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo D**k and left on his business trip. Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo D**k my p***y."

The Voodoo D**k flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm. But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop. So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police. The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo D**k inside her that wouldn't leave her alone.

The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo D**k, my ass."

[laislica]

A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate. So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch. Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too. Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week. Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each. The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.

"S**t!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.

[laislica]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

[laislica]

I tinks This Be The One!

A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman. He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.

The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman having a cup of tea. ''So have you done the work then?'' he asks.

The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the Chinaman didn't give them a shovel or a wheelbarrow. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the workers if they have seen the Chinaman, they tell him they thought they saw him going toward the truck. So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is getting close to the truck the Chinaman jumps out from behind a wall and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

[laislica]

A 40-year-old woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. She takes out a personal ad and corresponds with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. After a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked, and all the furniture piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

[laislica]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."

[laislica]

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

[Robby nz]

Did you hear about the man who didn't know the difference between vaseline and putty ?

His windows fell out.

[loong]

I was talking to the Missus the other day.

She told me that Thai people believe that if you make love in a field full of fragrant blossoms in full bloom, that you can be sure to conceive an extremely beautiful daughter with all the attributes to attract the best suitors.

But, if the blooms are beginning to fade and the fragrance is dulling, then you can be sure to conceive an ugly daughter with small tits!

Barely able to contain my amusement at such a ridiculous notion, I asked "and what about a son?"

She said

"Make love in a field populated by proud stallions or bulls and you can be certain to conceive an extremely handsome son with a very large penis"

At this point, I couldn't contain myself and laughed out loud!

"and what do you do that results in an ugly son with a small penis?"

Her eyes narrowed so much, that they were barely visible and she answered-

"I don't know"

"You'll have to ask your Mother!"

This joke was actually told to me by a Thai girl and this is a pretty accurate description of how it unfolded, but with poetic licence.

[riceyummm]

HMMMMMM......

[riceyummm]

Hey Bro.....watcha got there?

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

time to buy a longer lens.

[riceyummm]