Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

Better yet?

Murphy said to Paddy, "what the f@#k are you doing talking into envelope",
Paddy said "I'm sending a voice mail you thick b@$t@rd"!

[laislica]

Oops if this is true!

I don't know why I even bother having a smartphone anymore.
It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a land-line.

[laislica]

This should get us back on track?

Knock knock.
Who's there.
Doorbell repair man.

[laislica]

Too close to home?

Has anyone else noticed those clowns in all the Big C supermarkets that try to hide from gay people?

[laislica]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost?! I'm trying to take a sh1t!"

[silver sea]

One friend said to the other: "My wife's an angel."

The other replied: "You're lucky. Mine's still alive.

[WitawatWatawit]

1. Teaching Maths In The 1950s.

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In The 1970s.

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In The 1980s.

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

Yes or No

4. Teaching Maths In The 1990s.

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your task: underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In The 2000s.

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's OK.)

6. Teaching Maths In 2050.

هاتشيرو تبيع كارلواد من نهاب 100 دولار. تكلفة الإنتاج هو 80 دولاراً . كيف الكثير من المال ولم؟

[laislica]

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-side-down, so he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan. He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen, but he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes. He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy.

"Oh my Lord," says Father Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle... No... Wait... It's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photographs, and so on..."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Something has definitely happened which cannot be explained by Earthly means. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle and all other explanations must be ruled out. And so, unfortunately for that very reason, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have simply buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

[silver sea]

My garden just attacked my Hoover and stole its bag! Nature abhors a vacuum.

[laislica]

Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the non-racist version of
"Snow White," has been put on hold.
All of the 7 dwarfs:

Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Pimp, and <deleted>

have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because it offends black
prostitutes.
They also say they have no feking intention of singing

"It's off to work we go."

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

I found this in another TV thread about MILs:

I was out walking with my wife when we saw two men mugging my Mother in Law.

The wife said "Aren't you going to help?"

I replied "No, two should be enough".

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[laislica]

Real Life Cybersex

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high heels.

My measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every day. I'm toned and perfect.

What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.

I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart.

I am also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner - it smells a little funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.

Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.

There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.

I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling.

My hand works its down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.

My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.

The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I

'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and I accidently rip a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra.

My soft breasts are rising and falling, rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.

I think it's stuck.

Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.

I'm reaching back and undoing the clasp.

The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts.

My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that?

I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back.

Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra.

Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts.

They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair.

Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze.

Your breasts are covered with spit.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your spit off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you.

I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman.

Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt.

Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties.

My tongue is going all over, in and out, nibbling on your ... umm ... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat.

I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly.

I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup.

Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water.

There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed, aching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup.

Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.

And now I'm walking back to the bedroom.

Wait, it's dark. I'm lost.

Where's the bedroom.

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants.

I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off.

I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off you glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them.

I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed.

Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee.

I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom. I

t's dark.

I'm feeling around for the toilet.

I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going.

I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it.

Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.

Sorry again.

I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my ... you know ... thing ... in your ... you know ... woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice.

I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning.

I can't stand it another second! Slide it in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp.

I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy.

I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind.

I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear.

Now I'm putting on my wet, nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.

I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse.

Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on.

My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain.

The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire!

Oh noooo!

[silver sea]

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading, local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions; had taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things.

'But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,"said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession."

[laislica]

I may have a winner here?

Beckham's son turned up to training at Old Trafford this morning, for the youth squad.
A few of the other lads were asking him what number shirt he would be wearing.

He approached the team coach to ask what jersey he should put on.

"Wear four out there Romeo." He replied.

[silver sea]

I may have a winner here?

Beckham's son turned up to training at Old Trafford this morning, for the youth squad.

A few of the other lads were asking him what number shirt he would be wearing.

He approached the team coach to ask what jersey he should put on.

"Wear four out there Romeo." He replied.

Hey laislica

You had me baffled on that one, mate. I had to scratch my head a bit before the penny dropped.

If I remember rightly, the relevant bit in the balcony scene goes:

Juliet: "O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?"

So I'm going to tweak the punch line in your joke as follows:

Beckham's son turned up to training at Old Trafford this morning, for the youth squad.

A few of the other lads were asking him what number shirt he would be wearing.

He approached the team coach to ask what jersey he should put on.

"O Romeo, Romeo, wear four out there Romeo." He replied.

Hope you don't mind. I'm sure that's what you intended. If so, then you're right: you "may have a winner"! ?

Edited October 28, 2014 by silver sea

[silver sea]

Parallel lines have so much in common. Its a shame theyll never meet.

[WitawatWatawit]

George W. Bush visits Algeria. As part of his program, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people: "You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra..."

[WitawatWatawit]

A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation. "I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!" "Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane." "So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!" "Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight." "And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?" "You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..."

[55Jay]

2 guys driving along a country road when they see a ramshackle, hand painted sign advertising an old (Native American) Indian with an amazing memory - can remember anything and everything. Curious, they drive down the dirt path and sure enough, there was a old, leathery-faced Indian sitting below a massive Oak tree.

They park up, walk over and ask, "Are you the Indian with the great memory?"

"Yes".

"Alright then, what did you have for breakfast on, um, say......12th of June 1937?".

Without hesitation and in his flat, halting tone, Indian replies, "Eggs".

The two men have a good laugh thinking sure, anyone can just say eggs, doesn't prove a thing. They drop $5.00 donation into the Indian's hat anyway, and carry on their journey.

15 years on, same 2 guys are driving along the same country lane and see the same sign. Amazed, thinking the old fella would of bought the farm by now, they wheel down the path and sure enough, there's the same old boy, sitting below the massive Oak tree.

Both guys get out, walk over and as they approach, one raises his palm in the traditional Indian greeting manner saying, "How".

The old Indian looks up and says, "Scrambled".

[WitawatWatawit]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did

some training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and

came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo,

asked a question which his son translated.

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip

to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could

send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors,

the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son

to translate it. He refused.

So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where

the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to

translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government

translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch

out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

[laislica]

Oh Columbus......

Where's the like ten times button?

[WitawatWatawit]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!

!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know.

..

..

..

..

..

. you left your Injun running!