There were 3 guys, 1 American, 1 Mexican, 1 Polish guy, trekking along in the mountains when they came across 3 caves.

Predictably, the American approaches cave #1, cups his hands and yells, "Woo Woo" into the cave and, a "Woo Woo" comes back. He shouts to his mates, "There's a woman in there!" He frantically, lustfully rips off his clothes and runs into the cave.

Seeing that, the Mexican fella goes to the second cave, does the same and unbelievably, he also gets a "Woo Woo" back. Off he goes into the cave, ripping his clothes off.

Polak goes to the third cave, does the same, Woo Woo comes back, off he goes into the cave.

Fully satisfied, the American and Mexican blokes eventually emerge from their respective caves but can't find their Polak mate. They call out into cave #3, but no answer. Thinking he hasn't finished yet, they yell to him that they are headed back to town, meet them later at the pub.

He never shows up. They think, "Jeez, what an animal! She must be one heck of a lady!", and they turn in for the night.

Next morning at breakfast, the two men see the front page headline of the local newspaper:

"NUDE POLAK HIT BY TRAIN! "

Young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way. But was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for the highly prized shoes. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price!" > The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, ya'll just go and give it a try, why don'cha!" The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shop- keeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky swamp water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and, with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence. Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back. Then, rolling her eyes heaven ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Damn, this one is barefoot, too!"

Young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way. But was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for the highly prized shoes. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price!" > The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, ya'll just go and give it a try, why don'cha!" The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shop- keeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky swamp water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and, with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence. Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back. Then, rolling her eyes heaven ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Damn, this one is barefoot, too!"

The best relationship I ever had was with a broken puppet because there were no strings attached.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

A hungry man walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow. He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chilli. After ten minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry man bravely asks: "If you don't want it, then do you mind if I have it? I'm absolutely famished. I haven't eaten all day."

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young man and says: "Nah, ye can gae ahead."

Eagerly, the young man reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and then notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was so shocking that he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.

The old Jock says:?"Aye, that's as far as I got too."

^^^ Congrats, SS. :) You have dragged this thread down brilliantly.

The challenge has been revived.

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day..
As they walk, they come across a sign:

"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."

"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

" First Place ," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:

"Contest to find the strongest man in the world.."

"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?""

First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes...
"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the f...k is *OSCAR PISTORIUS*?" asked Pinocchio

You asked for this..... since the level took a dive

There were these 3 guys. They had to find a place to stay so they went to a hotel.

The first guy went up to the counter and asked the clerk if he had any rooms for the night. The clerk said we only have one room and its the attic. I'll give you a gun, a knife, or a flash light. The first guy said,"I'll take the gun." The clerk said ok and gave him the key to the attic.

The guy went up to the attic, and he heard a voice, "I've go you wher I want you now. I'm gonna eat you!" The guy got so scared that he shot himself.

The second guy went up to the clerk and said, "Do you have any rooms for the night?" The clerk said, "I only have the attic and I can give you a knife or a flashlight." The man said, "I'll take he knife." The clerk gave him the knife and the key to the attic. The man walked up to the attic, and heard a voice, "I've go you wher I want you now. I'm gonna eat you!" The man got so scared that he stabbed himself.

The third guy went to the clrk and asked if there were any rooms. The clerk said only the attic. The clerk gave the guy a flashlight. The man went up to the attic and heard a voice, "I've go you wher I want you now. I'm gonna eat you!" The man turned the flashlight on and opened the closet door and saw this little boy sitting there picking his nose, eating his boogers, and saying, "I've got you where I want you now. I'm gonna eat you!"

Ozsamurai, this is turning into a competition!!

I apologise in advance for these

Just bought my Epiletic brother a strobe light for Christmas, hes gonna have a f***ing fit when he see's it!...

I was at a charity music gig the other night and a band came on wearing Teddy Boy outfits and exploded.
I think it was Jihaddywaddy.

The wife said she'd perform a striptease for me, if I gave her just a single square of my chocolate.

Thank <deleted> it's a Toblerone.

Gave this girl my number last week, she said she'll call me when she gets home. I'm starting to think she's homeless...

Even though my wife has put on some weight since we got married, she can still touch her toes...................
With her nipples.

Shitting myself about this Ebola virus, which is worrying because that's one of the f***ing symptoms!

I hate all this terrorist buisness. I used 2 love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the bus and think- "i'll f****n have that"......

My horoscope said my ex would pop up.
I've been down the canal all day and thankfully there was no sign of her

I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else.
My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his
voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it ? Does he <deleted> !!..

Every time David Attenborough brushes past a locked car door it opens. Maybe it's because he likes wearing khaki trousers.

This one is from a woman's perspective, not me..

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your arse
, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

This one is from a woman's perspective, not me..

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your arse

, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

and I thought he was going to say that her eyesight was OK though!

A motorcyclist is blasting down a nice, curvy back road when a bird flys in front of him and is hit by the windshield.

The rider looks back and sees the bird lying motionless in the road.

Concerned, he goes back and sees that the bird is still breathing although it is knocked out.

He carefully tucks it into his tank bag and rides home with it.

At home he digs through a closet and finds an old bird cage that an ex-girlfriend had left behind.
He puts the little bird in the cage and leaves to go buy some birdseed.

While the rider is away the small bird comes to and realizing it is caged hangs down it's head and remarks:

"****, I must've killed that biker!"

Painting the Church

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually

the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside

of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks,

and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with

turpentine.........

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder,

the sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.

(you're going to love this)

.

.

.

.
.

.

.

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light."

CARP - Canadian Association of Retired People (almost)
Questions and Answers from CARP Forum
Q:Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A:Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q:What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A:Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.
Q:Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A:Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt..."
Q:How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?
A:Tell him you're pregnant.
Q:How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A:Take off your glasses.
Q:Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A:Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q:Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A:Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q:Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A:Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q:As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A:Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q:Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A:On their foreheads.
Q:What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A:"Gosh, I remember these!"

Current Blitish Humour

• It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters in Birmingham.

  They are putting some Persil in to stop the coloureds running.

• Two Muslims crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .....

  Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-Dam.

• Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over a million pounds worth of improvements.

• Muslims have gone on the rampage in Liverpool, killing anyone who's English.

  Police fear the death toll could be as high as 1.

• Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today; she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.

  I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

• They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester Luton and London ..

  Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

• Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the Doctor away."

  But since all the doctors in England are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

• A pharmacist walked into his shop in Paddington to find a Pakistani leaning against the wall.

  "What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.

  "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."

  "You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't stop a cough with laxatives."

  "Of course you can" the assistant replied,

  "Look at him..... he daren't cough now !!”

Last night when I was in bed with the wife,

she asked me what I'd most like to do to her body.

Apparently, "Identify it" wasn't the answer she was after.

[] I was astonished to learn that the meat in Subway was slaughtered in a traditional Muslim way.

How do they fit a rucksack on a cow?

[] Stereotyping people because of their religion is not nice.

Whether they be a Christian a Jew or a terrorist.

[] A fetish porn studio has invented a new genre, aimed specifically at Muslims.

It's called Burkake.

A true story.

Some years ago a Sikh was arrested in NZ for not wearing a helmet on a motorbike.

In court he pleaded not guilty because he couldn't find a helmet that would fit over his turban.

The judge found him guilty as charged and fined him.

The headline in the next mornings paper.

SIKH AND YEA SHALL BE FINED.

I married a woman from Newmarket, because I wanted a stable relationship.

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car
Pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" said the male driver.

"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.
How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver?
"No way", replied the irritated youngster.
"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY quid, eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the ******* car!" answered the boy
"OK, I know what you want - I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.
"NO," screamed the boy.

What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long sigh.
The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda - you live with it!"

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?

A: Every morning you'll rise and shine.

Q: What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine?

A: It wooden go!

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car

Pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" said the male driver.

"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver?

"No way", replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY quid, eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the ******* car!" answered the boy

"OK, I know what you want - I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.

"NO," screamed the boy.

What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long sigh.

The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda - you live with it!"

Perhaps you would like some other Skoda jokes.

http://skoda-jokes.blogspot.com/

What's white and flies through the air?

The coming of the Lord!

What's 6 inches long, has a purple head, and women can't get enough of them ?

....twenty pound notes.