Q: What do you call a fat psychic?

A: A four chin teller.

Every commentator, every game, every season.

Q: What has four legs and one arm?

A: A Pit Bull coming back from the park.

Q: What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

A: You can't tune-a fish.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't I've cut off your arms!"

Google Maps has crashed!

A post in truly awful taste and the sensible replies to it have been removed.

This may be the "jokes" forum, and this may be the "worst joke ever" thread, but there are still limits.

What do you get when you cross the queen and prince Charles?

Murdered in a tunnel.

Why did Elton John rewrite one of his songs for Diana when she died?

Because he was the only Queen who cared.

My girlfriend says she wants to be treated like a princess.

So I took her to Paris and slammed her into a wall at 80 miles an hour.

-----

A plane is falling out of the sky. A female passenger jumps up out of her seat, tears off her clothes and exclaims,

"Is there anyone man enough on this plane to make me feel like a real woman before I die?"

A man across the aisle stands up, hurriedly unbuttoning his shirt. He gets it off and throws it at the woman. "Here! Iron this!!"

A post in truly awful taste and the sensible replies to it have been removed.

This may be the "jokes" forum, and this may be the "worst joke ever" thread, but there are still limits.

Well we all know what the limit is now. Thanks

Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?

A: It went back four seconds.

A post in truly awful taste and the sensible replies to it have been removed.

This may be the "jokes" forum, and this may be the "worst joke ever" thread, but there are still limits.

Well we all know what the limit is now. Thanks

Hmmmm, least said, soonest mended.

Glad that the thread is back on track.

I think that the OP may have been turning in his grave, rest his soul.

Q: What do you call a man with no body and just a nose?

A: Nobody nose.

MY WIFE tied me to the bedposts last night. Unable to move, I could do nothing as she slowly stripped down to her bra and pants in front of me.
Then she knelt on the bed between my thighs and purred, “OK, big boy, what would you like me to take off next?”
“Er, my glasses would be good!” I replied.

--

A MATE of mine is sleeping with twins, both of whom can’t get enough of him.
I asked him, “How do you tell them apart?”
“It’s easy,” he replied.

“Elaine is the one with the larger breasts, and Bob’s the one with a beard.”

--

“ My nephew’s got a camera phone. He’s ten. I can’t imagine what it must be like for him to go through a maths class with a device in his pocket
that can answer all of life’s questions and show him HD pictures of titties. He doesn’t have attention deficit, he’s got tits in his pocket!”

I've just opened a new restaurant called Karma. There's no menu; we just give you what you deserve.

Q. What fish has two faces?

A. Tuna. (Two nah)

Kermit the Frog walks into a bank looking for loan and wants to talk to the Bank President.

The bank teller, Miss Patty Whack, tells Kermit they can't give a loan to just any frog that hops in and asks him: "Do you have any collateral?"

Kermit reaches into his frog pocket and pulls out a key chain with Miss. Piggy's picture on it. "I have this" he says in his scratchy Kermit the Frog voice.

The bank teller sighs heavily, grabs the key chain and goes into the bank president's office. "Excuse me sir, but Kermit the Frog is here and he would like a loan. He brought this key chain as collateral" she says as she rolls up her eyes.

The bank president glances up from his paperwork and says..... "That's a knick knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan."

when I first heard this one, Kermit was the illegitimate offspring of Mick Jagger, and the punch-line was:

"It's a knick knack Patty Whack,

give the frog a loan.

His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Bank of Ireland version It was "Nip Back Paddy Wack Give the <deleted> A Lone" before P. C idiots were invented

Bernard Mannings version is the Best.

It took me longer than I care to admit

It took me longer than I care to admit

rudolph.jpg

Not as long as me. I still don't get it.