Worst Joke Ever

[Crossy]

Not as long as me. I still don't get it.

Go on, sing the song, all of it

And remember, the is the "Worst Joke Ever" thread

[GarryP]

Not as long as me. I still don't get it.

Go on, sing the song, all of it

And remember, the is the "Worst Joke Ever" thread

Groan. I will admit I had to Google the lyrics.

[loong]

Not as long as me. I still don't get it.

Go on, sing the song, all of it

And remember, the is the "Worst Joke Ever" thread

I groaned as well when I got it.

And I laughed - so not "Worst joke ever"

[loong]

This blonde was rushed to hospital on her first day at work for the parks department.

She had been told to clear up the leaves and fell out of the tree

[loong]

So this midget clairvoyant escaped from jail

The headline in the paper read

"Small medium at large"

[WitawatWatawit]

Not as long as me. I still don't get it.

Go on, sing the song, all of it

And remember, the is the "Worst Joke Ever" thread

Groan. I will admit I had to Google the lyrics.

Me, as well.

[laislica]

Wife texts husband:

"Windows frozen, won't open"

Husband:

"Pour lukewarm water over it"

Wife:

"Computers f'ked"

[laislica]

I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and I said, " You remind me of my little toe."
She said, " Is that because I'm small and cute "
I replied, " No, with a bit of luck, I'll end up banging you on the coffee table!"

[laislica]

A teacher asks his pupils, "Can anyone tell me the difference between constructive criticism and unnecessary nastiness?"
Little Johnny puts his hand up.
"One is the process of offering valid and well-reasoned opinions about the work of others, usually involving both positive and negative comments."
"Very good, Johnny," says the teacher.
"And the other?"
"Your mum's a <deleted>."

[laislica]

After her sixth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former

youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here

and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
“Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice, but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".
"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home.

Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"
"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?”
"That's from Eric in the burns unit", said the nurse.

"He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"

Edited November 25, 2014 by laislica

[laislica]

A massive bird came upto me smiling in a nightclub,.....

put her hand on my groin and said,.....

"Have a guess what I want in my mouth tonight?"
"I...I...I don't know?" I stuttered.
"I'll give you a clue," she laughed, "It has four letters and begins with 'C'"
"Oh, that's easy," I said, looking her up and down, "Cake."

[laislica]

I had to go to the mainland to work for five months so I bought the wife a vibrator.

She asked what she wanted that for, so I told her to pretend it was my cock while I was away working.

After a fortnite away I called her and asked how she was getting on with the vibrator.

"Not so good" she replied, "It's knocked four of me fekin' teeth out"

[laislica]

Bloke comes in from a night out with the boys.
Wife says."You're having an affair"
Bloke replies."That's the last time I eat a packet of Scampi Fries"

[laislica]

Paddy was asked to go in an identity parade after a woman was sexually assaulted!
he stood in the line, they brought the woman out,
Paddy said, " that's definitely her! "

[laislica]

I was sitting down chatting to a girl in the pub last night.
One thing led to another and before I knew it I was groping her tits.
She said, "Everybody is looking, do you want to go somewhere a little more private?"
I thought, "You kinky bitch" as I slipped two fingers into her fanny.

[laislica]

My wife told me that she was seeing someone else because she was fed up with my bad habits.
I nearly choked on my toenail.

[laislica]

Geeze Guys, what does it take to get a worst joke?

I work soooo hard. BWTF

Why bother ,,,,,

Actually, I use this thread a s a way of keeping my brain alive. I have to remember all the fekin jokes and not repost LOL

[silver sea]

Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland . One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend was not happy.

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord nodded and said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

[WitawatWatawit]

Paddy and Sean wanted to do some ice fishing so off to Lough Allua they go. The lake was frozen solid, so they stopped at a little bait shop and got all their tackle, including ice picks. After they got their equipment, off they went to the lake. A couple of hours later, Paddy was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need more ice picks." He paid for the picks and left. An hour later, he was back at the shop again and said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got." The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?" "Not very well at all," Paddy said. "We don't even have the stupid boat in the water yet."

[WitawatWatawit]

Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?

A: A blond electrician.

[WitawatWatawit]

Q: Why is Santa so jolly?

A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Q: Why doesnt Santa have any kids?

A: He only comes once a year.

[WitawatWatawit]

Q: Did you hear about the junkie that was addicted to brake fluid?

A: He said he could stop anytime.

[WitawatWatawit]

Have you heard of the new movie called "Constipation"? It hasn't come out yet.

[ozsamurai]

I have a winner....

What is Santa's favourite pizza?

One that's deep pan, crisp and even.

If you didn't groan at that one, you need to be in another thread!

[ozsamurai]

Got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas.
Not her main present, it's just a stocking filler.

[silver sea]

Bob was in a lot of trouble. He had forgotten his wedding anniversary. His wife was really hacked off and started to give him some grief.

She told him: "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE, BUSTER!!"

The next morning, he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and, sure enough, there was a box, gift-wrapped, in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it up and found .......... a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[WitawatWatawit]

Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A: Its not hard.

[WitawatWatawit]

Why did the Indians come to America first?

A: Because they had reservations.

[WitawatWatawit]

Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A: A wet nose.

[WitawatWatawit]

Q: What's the job application form for Hooters?

A: They give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out.