Wife Won't Give Me A Divorce. Help!

[jeffjpn]

Hi Everyone,

This is my first post and I am desperate for any help I can get. I am married to a Thai woman but we have been separated now for 4-years. WE have a child together and when things were good I was sending her close to $1000 a month. I bought a condo in Bangkok which is in her name (and she can keep) so she lives rent free. This whole divorce is mostly my fault (I was unfaithful and found a new partner) but she will not sign the papers. She wants money and lots of it which I just do not have. I lost my job at the end of last year but have still been giving her $500 per month and I have said I would sign an agreement giving her the condo and a minimum of $500 per month as that is what I can afford right now. She still says no. Wants me to give her a lump sum of something stupid like a million baht. I have been living my my new girlfriend for the past three years promising her a divorce and she is now getting to the point where she is going to give up on me. The thing is I think/ know I am being very generous to her but she still refuses to sign. Our son needs money for his school and I said I wouldn't pay until she signed and she has now said (and done) that she will keep him out of school for a year!!!! Any advice would be VERY much appreciated.

[sk1max]

Hi Everyone,

This is my first post and I am desperate for any help I can get. I am married to a Thai woman but we have been separated now for 4-years. WE have a child together and when things were good I was sending her close to $1000 a month. I bought a condo in Bangkok which is in her name (and she can keep) so she lives rent free. This whole divorce is mostly my fault (I was unfaithful and found a new partner) but she will not sign the papers. She wants money and lots of it which I just do not have. I lost my job at the end of last year but have still been giving her $500 per month and I have said I would sign an agreement giving her the condo and a minimum of $500 per month as that is what I can afford right now. She still says no. Wants me to give her a lump sum of something stupid like a million baht. I have been living my my new girlfriend for the past three years promising her a divorce and she is now getting to the point where she is going to give up on me. The thing is I think/ know I am being very generous to her but she still refuses to sign. Our son needs money for his school and I said I wouldn't pay until she signed and she has now said (and done) that she will keep him out of school for a year!!!! Any advice would be VERY much appreciated.

I hear your pain. I'd say get a lawyer and go for the condo. As you are married let her know you want the condo(bluff) you are entitled to half and tell her as much. Be cool and put the interest of you child first and not your new GF, let her give up if that's the way she feels. Also you are being far to generous and giving so I'd reduce that. Please don't take what she says and does personaly as this will drive you nuts.

The very best of luck to you.

[Geekfreaklover]

The details are a bit shakey, but couldn't you just serve the divorce papers to her. If she doesn't respond in six months then the courts can process the divorce.

Good luck.

Edited July 24, 2009 by Geekfreaklover

[p_brownstone]

I have no advice on the Divorce situation, however neither of you should be using your son as a Pawn in your "game".

You started that, and the best solution is to back down and pay the School Fees.

Patrick

[samuibeachcomber]

I thought after 1 year of separation,if there is no reconciliation.......................its a case of no fault divorce.Give her the condo and pay maintenance,same as in the west.And i guess if your finances dont improve you may have to stay single,keeping one lady is expensive,keeping two may send you broke.

[PoorSucker]

Read this: Marriage law

section 1516, page 11.

(with thanks to isaan lawyers)

[jeffjpn]

I have read the divorce law before and it seems only the aggrieved party can initiate a divorce. We have been separated for more than 3-years but it was mostly due to finances. I was living in Thailand but as a lot of you will know it isn't all that easy to support a family. We decided that I should go back to Japan to work (no argument from her). This wasn't the first time we had to be separated and I guess it was just too much for me. I didn't get married because I wanted to live alone. Anyway, during my absence I met someone else and it turned into something serious. I really don't want to use my son as a pawn but if I just keep giving her money she will never give me the divorce. The big reason I want the divorce is because I have gotten several good job offers in Canada but will not be able to take my current GF (Japanese not Thai) unless we are married. I am trying to explain to my wife that the better I do the better she will do as well but it is to no avail. She thinks if she can get some kind of lump sum payment out of me that she can start a business to take care of herself. I think she will blow through the money likes she always does and come asking for more. I want to provide a good life for my son and they are not living in poverty by any means. They have a decent sized condo with nice furniture and my son attends (was attending) a bi-lingual school. She hasn't worked since we were married and I have paid for everything including her debt of a previously failed business.

ANYWAY>>>> I just can't believe in this day and age that you might have to stayed married even if you don't want to.

[Farma]

There’s nothing to stop you initiating a divorce through the courts. Be aware that you will need to employ a lawyer and appear in court at least once. Court divorces can drag on for years and cost a fortune.

From what you’ve written it sounds like there could be jealousy of your new GF involved. She maybe thinks she has the upper hand as you’re desperate to divorce. Even if you don’t want to use your son as a pawn her lawyers will use him and your new girlfriend against you if you go to court.

Once in court the judges will call you both to the bench and try to mediate a deal on custody, property and maintenance prior to proceeding with the case anyway.

Personally I would try to reach an agreement even if you think her demands are high. Try to barter the amount down and divorce through the umphur.

Get it over and done with at the umphur to save you a lot of grief and wasted time. I’d suggest you involve a lawyer with this too as you have child custody, property and maintenance to take into account.

[Geekfreaklover]

If you the amphur route, make sure you have all docs translated before you sign them and sort out your visa before signing anything.

Personally I would cut her off, hire a lawyer and go for custody of the kid and half the condo. She will probably back down and you can settle at a more resonable level perhaps outside court in the Amphur.

Divorces are messy. Best of luck.

[jeffjpn]

This what I have been trying to do but her demands are too unreasonable. She wants a huge lump sum payment from me (1 million baht) and I don't have it. I have offered her a lot, as much as I can, bust she still say no. Her exact words were "You can work hard for the next two or three years and save to buy your freedom". I am not a slave and figure there must be another way. Shady lawyer crooked judge?

The only thing I can think of now is to tell her since we are married now I am under no legal obligation to give her anything. If she wants child support ect. Divorce me and get a court order. I really hate to do this because I want to keep a relationship with my son but at the same time I know she will get pretty desperate in a few weeks, a month if I don't send her any money.

[Geekfreaklover]

Probably best to cut her off and let her get desperate. Once she gets desperate she will be more willing to sign for a more resonable settlement. You are dealing with someone that took your child out of school for a year.

I speak as someone who went through all the hoops- amphur divorce, trial etc and won custody. You have to play dirty, because you can bet your life she will. I don't see why you should be paying her money if she is not agreeing to a divorce. If you are worried about the kid then go and get the kid. You have as much right to be a parent as she has whilst you are still married.

[Farma]

I’ll add that you need to sit back take a deep breathe and relax. Even if you are desperate for divorce act as if you aren’t.

Don’t be so open with her about your personal life, new girlfriend and job opportunities. Keep her in the dark about your life.

[wolfmanjack]

This isn't a no fault divorce. He cheated and found a new lover but I do think that what he offered, giving her the condo and $500 a month, is fair. The thai law says that if she does not do anything about the cheating within 1 year (If I remember right) then she loses the right to claim anything from that. So at this point she has the possibility of child support and the claim of infidelity on her side. Going to court might not be such a good idea until after that year is up. Better see a good lawyer or make a deal with her.

[OxfordWill]

Many many people have been in your situation- the best advice is to seek legal counsel.

[jeffjpn]

Of course I haven't told her of my job offers and she actually believes things are worse for me than they actually are but I guess she has her pride and the thinking that it was my fault so I must pay. From what I have heard if she did go to court (I wish!!) they would not award her what I am already offering. I figure she is getting bad advice from friends ect.. She has told me she has been to the embassy and says I need to file papers there but I know she is lying. The last the embassy would get involved with is a Thai divorce. I guess I could keep the Thai marriage a secret and get married in Japan. Wonder what the punishment for bigamy is these days?????????

[dmax]

my dad wants to divorce his wife who he hasnt seen in 4 yrs lso,,,,,a lawyer in uk told him to file for divorce in uk court,,the court will issue a summons or something to that effect,,obviously the thai wife cannot be found (like really who is going to go out of their way to look for her when she lives in a villiage in the middle of nowhere) anyway the lawyer told my dad that if his wife is not found and cannot sign any documents etc then the court here in uk would grant him the divorce........as for the condo? i would keep it or sell it and give her half for being greedy....................good luck mate

Edited July 24, 2009 by dmax

[Mario2008]

If you live in japan you can get a divorce under Japanese law, when youstart living in Canda you could get a divorce under Canadian law.

I think you already gave the best answer to your problem, stop supporting your wife til she agrees to a dviorce.

[Boo]

so you married a thai women, had a child, then moved to another country to work but in the mean time cheated on & left her & your child for this Japanese women? You then cut the agreed allowance by half & want to divorce your wife to marry the women you cheated with, who is threatening to leave you if you don't marry her & take her to Canada? Wow talk about out of the frying pan & into the fire. I would be more worried about the new gf, who seems ok with putting unecessary pressure on you which could potentially destroying the relationship with your child & his mother, seemingly for her own benefit.

Your ex sounds idea seems logical to me tbh, she is left with the child & who's to say that with your new wife wont come new kids, so in her eyes there will be even less reason to trust you will continue to support your son. You currently give her 16k baht a month, not exactly a kings sum so IMO, find a way to give her the lump sum money she wants & get your divorce, at least that way they will have chance to move on & so will you.

[imaneggspurt]

I thought after 1 year of separation,if there is no reconciliation.......................its a case of no fault divorce.Give her the condo and pay maintenance,same as in the west.And i guess if your finances dont improve you may have to stay single,keeping one lady is expensive,keeping two may send you broke.

I beleive its 2 years and both have to agree to the divorce, i had to give my ex 300.000 just to sign the paper, when in fact i could have forged it easily as we married in the uk and she signed in a hotel in bkk, it wasnt even checked in the uk,

[imaneggspurt]

my dad wants to divorce his wife who he hasnt seen in 4 yrs lso,,,,,a lawyer in uk told him to file for divorce in uk court,,the court will issue a summons or something to that effect,,obviously the thai wife cannot be found (like really who is going to go out of their way to look for her when she lives in a villiage in the middle of nowhere) anyway the lawyer told my dad that if his wife is not found and cannot sign any documents etc then the court here in uk would grant him the divorce........as for the condo? i would keep it or sell it and give her half for being greedy....................good luck mate

Thats certainly true in the uk, my friend divorced his thai wife without any signature, papers are sent to the last known address of the spouse, if returned/go unsigned a divorce is granted,.in not sure how long it needs to be, its certainly over 2 years apart,.

[ivowatson]

so you married a thai women, had a child, then moved to another country to work but in the mean time cheated on & left her & your child for this Japanese women? You then cut the agreed allowance by half & want to divorce your wife to marry the women you cheated with, who is threatening to leave you if you don't marry her & take her to Canada? Wow talk about out of the frying pan & into the fire. I would be more worried about the new gf, who seems ok with putting unecessary pressure on you which could potentially destroying the relationship with your child & his mother, seemingly for her own benefit.

Your ex sounds idea seems logical to me tbh, she is left with the child & who's to say that with your new wife wont come new kids, so in her eyes there will be even less reason to trust you will continue to support your son. You currently give her 16k baht a month, not exactly a kings sum so IMO, find a way to give her the lump sum money she wants & get your divorce, at least that way they will have chance to move on & so will you.

Condo maintenance 3K, water & electr. 2K, school 4K? So 7K/month for food, clothes, insur.,etc. Looks like you're really spoiling them.

Now you know; cheating can be expensive. I wouldn't rely on a Thai judge to help you.

[jeffjpn]

Look,

I can't explain my whole life situation in an email and don't really want to get into the details of my marriage. I know what I am giving her now is not a lot and would like to give more but not until she signs the papers. As I said earlier if I cna give her a lump sum it will be gone and she will be coming back for more. It will always be hard to say no because of my son. When we were married I gave her a monthly allowence for food and clothes. Never once was there a single baht left 3 weeks into the month. I gave her more, it was gone in the same amount of time. Once I doubled it just to prove a point and of course no money left at the end of the month. You all can think whatever you like but if SHE would have been more concerned about keeping our family together instead of me making money for her just maybe we wouldn't be going through all this.

[Patsycat]

"If SHE would have been more concerned" - excuse me? It was you that cheated...not her. Don't put the blame on her.

[Mario2008]

The OP asks a question, lets focus on that. There is no need to go and discuss who is to blame for the failed marriage.

[scorecard]

OP, you should be a little careful of what you post on this or any website / webboard. You say openly that your not really telling her the real truth of your finances, etc.

You have no guarantee that your wife or someone will find what you have written here, and if you do go to court some of what you have written could be used to make you look bad.

Sorry, but you don't really seem all that concerned about your son, and as another poster already said, please don't use innocent children as tools to play games and as bargaining chips.

[crocodilexp]

Everybody's situation is different, we shouldn't judge OP (or his wife) without knowing the full story.

The "get the lawyer" advice is necessary but useless -- I'm sure the thought crossed OP's mind more than once, and he decided against it for the time being.

The divorce will inevitably be messy, given that your ex won't cooperate. Anything, including your child will be used as a bargaining chip. You seem to be going soft on your ex -- she probably realizes this and is using it. There is no reason to provide her with much information about your situation and plans, or pay anything at all unless she cooperates.

In Thailand, a reality for most lower-class women is that when a guy leaves she gets left with nothing at all and sends the child upcountry. You must make a credible threat that if she does not cooperate you will just be reckless and leave like a Thai guy would (plus that you'll hire a lawyer to push for your part of the condo). A lump payment is out of the question -- she'll later ask for more using your child as an argument (she already knows she can).

Edited July 25, 2009 by crocodilexp

[thaibkk]

yeah, you paid for the condo, you can prove she had no money of her own to pay for it...

sell it for 2 million and give her one

and what is the need of getting married AGAIN ?

apparently you want same situation over and over...

[Artabus]

It will always be hard to say no because of my son.

Well, goodness me, how inconvenient. Not judging your failed marriage, who cares the reasons. But you have a child... Are you going to leave him in Thailand without you? Why? Will he be better off there with her, or with you wherever you are? You seem to have more money than her, money is needed to support children. And men can be just as caring and supportive of children as can women, it's about the individual parent, not about their gender. So decide what you want for him, knowing the cultural issues, knowing what being a parent involves, and your way to proceed should become much easier. He should be the determining factor, no? Not your new gf, your (ex-ish) wife, your work...

[eurozhongguo]

There is a very good lesson for us all to learn from this : those Thai girls who all want a foreign man are not doing so because they find foreigners' bodies irresistibly attractive, but because they can't resist their big wallets.

I have had several girlfriends from different Asian nationalities : the Japanese and Taiwanese ones shared all costs with me; the Chinese ones contributed a small amount or even all sometimes at first and then expected me to pay the brunt and usually all of the cost thereafter, but they always ordered the cheapest item on the restaurant menu; but, even a Thai female friend of mine always ordered the most expensive item on the menu apologising for having done so and not paying for anything even the first day we ever met.

I think the moral of the story is that you should file divorce proceedings that give you the maximum benefit from your divorce despite your infidelity and stop giving her money immediately despite her having your son. Otherwise, she will never sign those divorce papers. To all other readers, I suggest you be extra careful with those Thai girls as they are only after one thing and it's not your body.

Edited July 26, 2009 by eurozhongguo

[Benjie]

Mortgage the Condo (in her name) and give her the proceeds?