Advice Please...i'm In A Very Difficult Situation.

[MisterBeetle]

This is the stuff they make thai sitcoms about...

The story so far.

Im a farang living in Thailand.

I was married to a Thai girl from Chiang Mai for roughly three years.

After being together for over 7 years, I decided to get out of the difficult relationship we had together,

the continuous blaming, jealousy, money grabbing( to the point of stinginess)

We separated on amicable terms, at least I thought we had, but more on that later.

I started dating a really sweet girl I had met just after I broke up with my wife. Not before....

We could not get enough of each other, telephone calls, chat online, etc.

After returning from my home country for a couple of months vacation, things were really heating up between us and we decided to take out relationship to the next level.

Cut a long story short, my girlfriend is 2 months pregnant and wants to keep the baby.

To be honest, I really want her to keep it too.

The difficulty steps in. I'm still legally married to my wife!

How do I tell her? Should I tell her?

I'm thinking "no way"...part of the reason I separated with my wife is due to her raging temper and I would not put it past her to do something really stupid.

We have been separated for over 8 months, but she still thinks like we are together and still hasn't even told her parents that we separated. I believe because of not wanting to loose face.

So, I'm holding a secret from everybody, my father, mother, friends, workmates....and it is just burning me up.

But seeing the ultrasound yesterday of my little baby growing just feels so right, and seeing my girlfriend's face when she sees her baby makes me love her more.

Sorry for all this, but you are the "first person" i have told and it feels so good to just let it out.

What the hel_l am I going to do?

[ArranP]

I'm no expert on this, but can you not get a divorce by default after 3 years of seperation ?

[SNGLIFE]

Draw up the divorce papers and get her to sign fast. Entice her or make up a reason why you need it fast. Anything so she signs it without thinking too much.

Lie suggestion: You have problems with the taxman in your home country and they are going to come after her property in Thailand unless she divorces you before next week.

Edited July 31, 2009 by SNGLIFE

[LadyHeather]

You've been separated for 8 months and your girlfriend is 2 months pregnant. Good luck. i think you are going to need it.

[chiangmaibruce]

Messy, and i would not normally advise deception, but ...

1. has your girl friend said anything about getting married? If yes, is she pushing for it to occur in the near future? does your girl friend know you are married now?

2. from what you have said, if you tell your wife the truth then she will either refuse to divorce point-blank or (more likely) want a substantial payment to sign the papers

3. I agree with the suggestion of asking her to sign the divorce papers (either with or without false story ... e.g. you are being chased for debts by thugs, or you found out you were gay, or ...)

You have to at least try. If appropriate, point out that you will get a divorce eventually anyway, even if she does not sign. Have you done your homework on this? e.g. looking at web sites to get the fact about thai divorce laws

[jeffjpn]

If you can get her to sign the divorce you are a lucky man. I think this shouldn't be your first priority though. Of course this is a messy situation but such is life. From hearing about your wife's temper and that you actually believe she may do something radical I would avoid telling her at all costs. How you are going to keep all this a secret I have no idea but you do not need your present wife showing up at your girlfriend's place. At best a nasty war of words will break out but this is Thailand and you don't even want to think about the worst outcome. If your wife gets into trouble it will get you in trouble also. If you gets trouble from you wife you are also in trouble. I would also guarantee that if your wife finds out she will not only want money (and blood) from you but will think your new girlfriend owes her the world in compensation as well. Trust what you already know and DON'T mess with a Thai woman's temper!!!!!

Good luck

[Benjie]

Its easiest if you are married to the mother of your unborn child before the baby is born in terms of transferring nationaility etc.. So you likely need to get divorced ASAP.

No point in telling the wife about the girlfriend, nothing good will come of it.

[Geekfreaklover]

Have you accumlated assets (apart from a new girlfriend and a baby) since you got married?

Do you stand to lose anything?

If not, I would tell the the wife straight. You want a divorce.

If she disagrees. then simply stay with the new gf. You can get a visa on the basis that you are the Dad of the soon to be born child.

No problem, unless the new girlfriend wants to marry.

[Geekfreaklover]

You've been separated for 8 months and your girlfriend is 2 months pregnant. Good luck. i think you are going to need it.

Miss Heather,

Read the post again. He has been seperated from his wife for a number of months. The women he impregnated is his girlfriend, not his wife.

[BEENTHEREDONETHAT]

I think you should tell your GF the situation. Not a good idea to start a marriage based on lies or half truths.

Hope everything works out well for everyone.

[Mario2008]

Its easiest if you are married to the mother of your unborn child before the baby is born in terms of transferring nationaility etc.. So you likely need to get divorced ASAP.

No point in telling the wife about the girlfriend, nothing good will come of it.

It only makes it more complicated in the sense that he has to legitimise the child if they are not married.

[mgjackson69]

I have to agree with a couple of other posters here... use any B.S. line you need to get the wife to agree to divorce, but *do not* tell her about the current situation with the girlfriend. If she knows she can put you in a bind, which you have really done to yourself by not already securing a divorce, you will certainly see her vindictive side come out.

I think a good line about "your home country tax office coming to take her house/car/whatever she has" will go a long ways toward getting her to sign the divorce papers. If you have to sweeten the pot a bit, do so if possible, get her out of the picture.

[venturalaw]

Its easiest if you are married to the mother of your unborn child before the baby is born in terms of transferring nationaility etc.. So you likely need to get divorced ASAP.

No point in telling the wife about the girlfriend, nothing good will come of it.

Unknown what you mean by 'transferring nationality", but if the OP's child is born in Thailand, he/she will be a Thai citizen and entitled to a Thai passport. Whatever country the OP is from, if he is still a citizen there, he may be able to acquire a passport from that country's consulate office for his child (one can if one is from the US, or the UK, but I do not know about other countries).

[slaninaj]

This is the stuff they make thai sitcoms about...

The story so far.

Im a farang living in Thailand.

I was married to a Thai girl from Chiang Mai for roughly three years.

After being together for over 7 years, I decided to get out of the difficult relationship we had together,

the continuous blaming, jealousy, money grabbing( to the point of stinginess)

We separated on amicable terms, at least I thought we had, but more on that later.

I started dating a really sweet girl I had met just after I broke up with my wife. Not before....

We could not get enough of each other, telephone calls, chat online, etc.

After returning from my home country for a couple of months vacation, things were really heating up between us and we decided to take out relationship to the next level.

Cut a long story short, my girlfriend is 2 months pregnant and wants to keep the baby.

To be honest, I really want her to keep it too.

The difficulty steps in. I'm still legally married to my wife!

How do I tell her? Should I tell her?

I'm thinking "no way"...part of the reason I separated with my wife is due to her raging temper and I would not put it past her to do something really stupid.

We have been separated for over 8 months, but she still thinks like we are together and still hasn't even told her parents that we separated. I believe because of not wanting to loose face.

So, I'm holding a secret from everybody, my father, mother, friends, workmates....and it is just burning me up.

But seeing the ultrasound yesterday of my little baby growing just feels so right, and seeing my girlfriend's face when she sees her baby makes me love her more.

Sorry for all this, but you are the "first person" i have told and it feels so good to just let it out.

What the hel_l am I going to do?

Well I say was in the same place as you. But I was separated for 2 years before my GF pregnant. I take it you live in Thailand so I can not help about the divorce. My wife wanted large amount of support for many year so there was no way I would give her one and you need to settle the property at the same time to get a divorce, but there is some exceptions! yeap a baby. the importance to legitimatize the baby birth out weights the settlement fight.

one day before the divorce court, my X settle on the property.

BUT at all time my GF knew what was going on even before she got pregnant, be honest to you GF. My X also knew about the baby. That was one of the main reason our marriage ended, I wanted a son.

I say hel_l with you X. Enjoy this time of you life, you have created life. You will never have a better moment in you life then the birth of your child. Enjoy this time with you GF and enjoy the birth of your child.

oh you can always come here and talk to us!

[teddy_bare]

Its easiest if you are married to the mother of your unborn child before the baby is born in terms of transferring nationaility etc.. So you likely need to get divorced ASAP.

No point in telling the wife about the girlfriend, nothing good will come of it.

Unknown what you mean by 'transferring nationality", but if the OP's child is born in Thailand, he/she will be a Thai citizen and entitled to a Thai passport. Whatever country the OP is from, if he is still a citizen there, he may be able to acquire a passport from that country's consulate office for his child (one can if one is from the US, or the UK, but I do not know about other countries).

British immigtration regs, don't insist you are husband and wife at the time of birth. the child has all the rights to be british if the father/mother is british born. Rules vary if the parent was born outside the UK, but can claim UK citizenship. Main point: you don't need to be married.

Your GF will most likely want to get married before the child is born, but you can do the village thing first and the amphur bit later.

Since the village ceremony is a blessing and not a legally recognised form of marriage, could one be still leggally married to someone else and still get the blessing?

possibly only a moral issue might stop you.

Not sure what assets are involved if any, but i got divorced in a amphur and the price was less than the 200 baht taxi ride to the place.

Chok dee with the birth. I am the proud father of a 22 day old girl. best thing ever to happen to me.

[andrisdg]

somebody recently posted a copy of the thai marraige act on this forum ,they say the thai visa search engine is not the best ,be that as it may it would be smart to have keep a copy to the link and any other thai law in english like the criminal code if links have been posted in the past ,readily available

maybe george as part of the thaivisa forum service could find the links to copies of thai law in english and as a community service post them regularly or email members . this would hopefully eliminate some of the well intentioned but questionable advise in response to issues as people raising the issues will be better informed in the first place as to the options

were black letter law can not help is when part of the process is effected by customary solutions or settlements be they civil or criminal .

then only the thai's can advise and each case is different and local practises will vary from rural to city from province to province and the nature of the issues and the status of the people involved . saving face is important ,for thais at least and there will always be an element of a try on without legal or traditional justification in the hope that the ignorance of the other party can be exploited.

[johnnymoretti]

...

Cut a long story short, my girlfriend is 2 months pregnant and wants to keep the baby.

To be honest, I really want her to keep it too.

The difficulty steps in. I'm still legally married to my wife!

How do I tell her? Should I tell her?...

What the hel_l am I going to do?

I think that even Dr. Phil would say that if your relationship with your estranged wife is non-existent (ie: that you do not live together, sleep together or consider yourself husband and wife emotionally and will never reconcile) then there is NO point in letting her know about your girlfriend or baby. You will only add fuel to the fire for which she is no part of.

Wishing you luck...but most of all, luck for your baby. The baby is the one that matters. Nothing else.

[SMEEERE]

Sounds like you are still in touch with the ex /current wife, are you still funding her ? .if so dont tell her !

[ThaiBasil]

I would face your wife, tell her everything and if your pregnant girlfriend doesn't know about the marriage I would tell her too. Its better in life to get these things in the open. Just deal with the issues in life, don't avoid them (by not telling or by lying)!

Tell all, take the punch so you can go and work on the future of your new gf and baby!

[jack31]

To the op, you have received a mixed bag of replies here, half of them is good advice the rest is <deleted>.

your child will get a thai passport and a passport from your native country. its irelevant whether your married or not the child will still get his/her passport

Do not tell your wife - why add fuel to the fire as someone else already said.

If your gf does not know your married then i would tell her because this will be your future. you dont want to get caught out a few yeasr down the line

get divorced quickly so you can focus on your new life. make an offer which is acceptable to you both.

get a contract drawn up from a local lawyer firm so she can nto change her mind once you have paid her the settlement. sometimes these money grabbers do change their mind thinking they can squeeze more from you

i dont like to be deceitful but at times you must do it.

oh yes and congrats. being a parent is the best thing ever. well is was for me anyway

hope this was useful

[venturalaw]

To the op, you have received a mixed bag of replies here, half of them is good advice the rest is <deleted>.

your child will get a thai passport and a passport from your native country. its irelevant whether your married or not the child will still get his/her passport

Do not tell your wife - why add fuel to the fire as someone else already said.

If your gf does not know your married then i would tell her because this will be your future. you dont want to get caught out a few yeasr down the line

get divorced quickly so you can focus on your new life. make an offer which is acceptable to you both.

get a contract drawn up from a local lawyer firm so she can nto change her mind once you have paid her the settlement. sometimes these money grabbers do change their mind thinking they can squeeze more from you

i dont like to be deceitful but at times you must do it.

oh yes and congrats. being a parent is the best thing ever. well is was for me anyway

hope this was useful

I agree with everything here except that it is being deceitful not to tell your wife, that you have been separated from for quite some time, about your future plans. It's none of her business just as it is none of your business if she too has moved on. Furthermore, if she has a temper, no telling what should could attempt to do to hurt your girlfriend, or your future newborn. There are some very strange, vindictive people out there.

[CaptainNemo]

This is the stuff they make thai sitcoms about...

> Aiming high then?

I started dating a really sweet girl I had met just after I broke up with my wife. Not before....

> What, seconds, minutes, hours, days...after? I admire your endurance.

To be honest, I really want her to keep it too.

> I should hope so too, you wouldn't want to extinguish the unique precious life of an innocent foetus you sired on the rebound for the sake of financial convenience now, would you?

The difficulty steps in. I'm still legally married to my wife!

> "Whoops." I think the mysterious "difficulty" of which you speak is called "adultery" (I'm not religious btw)

How do I tell her? Should I tell her?

> "Should I tell her?", listen to him! No, keep lying, she'll never work it out.

I separated with my wife is due to her raging temper and I would not put it past her to do something really stupid.

> What, like commit adultery, and create a child?

> Are you sure her "raging temper" isn't a result of your loquacious wit, self-control, and astute forward thinking?

What the hel_l am I going to do?

> Grow up, hopefully. You're new child is going to need a role model.

...and we hear so much about Thai girls playing farangs for selfish reasons.

When's Jerry Springer coming to Thailand?

(Go, on, flame me, and lecture me on how "I don't even know you" etc... yawn... you seem to be asking for help from strangers to wriggle out of taking responsibility for the consequences of your actions... beg a little harder, or get a lawyer.)

[ctira]

You need to do the right thing:

Be a man, step up and take care of the baby. The baby will have your name as a father on the birth certificate. Like teddy_bear said you don't need to be married to be certified as the father of your child.

Divorce, well, if you can you should, but it's not as important as what needs done above. Divorce is not necessary at this point.

I think you should tell your family. Who in the world would hate a little baby for crying out loud! Most people are thrilled to be grandparents! I've seen it happened to lots of people and I don't ever see one family that hate the baby. It's more like when is it my turn to hold the little bean.

[djc45]

You've been separated for 8 months and your girlfriend is 2 months pregnant. Good luck. i think you are going to need it.

Miss Heather,

Read the post again. He has been seperated from his wife for a number of months. The women he impregnated is his girlfriend, not his wife.

Geekfreaklover, Read the post again, then the reply from Miss Heather

to the op why live a lie just tell the truth to those who NEED to know

[getgoin]

Divorce, well, if you can you should... Divorce is not necessary at this point.

[MisterBeetle]

Divorce, well, if you can you should... Divorce is not necessary at this point.

Thanks to everybody for the "mixed" replies. lol

I have made several positive moves since I posted this back in July. With my Father and Mother offering their full support ( My mother really loves my girlfriend).

THe other great news is we just found out that we are going to have a girl!!

[onnut]

congratulations, I hope all goes well for you.

[eggomaniac]

This is the stuff they make thai sitcoms about...

What the hel_l am I going to do?

didn't read all the Replies - did anybody mention the 1rst step?

do a Paternity test!

[elektrified]

Who gets an ultrasound at 2 months???

[onnut]

if you are willing to pay for it then I should think a few people get it at 2 months. my wife and I waited until the 5th month though.