Do Thai Men Pay A Monthly Allowance To Their Wife's Family?

[Livinginexile]

I believe it is still a legal obligation for offspring of majority age (20+) to support their parents. I know of one Thai whose whole family is doing quite well- and he is too- but as a token gesture he sends them 1000B a month (which he can well afford and which they don't need).

Yes but!....

Is each responsible for contributing to their OWN family?

My question is, would the Thai husband be responsible to support HER family?

[caf]

Money as "support" or "gifting" is expected here from we from the West. All your arguments are good from your aspect and irrelevant from that of the Thais. I agree with you and I don't. You can be proud, as you are, of having a "true love" relationship not buttressed by any financial support on your end, and you may indeed have this, but there is also the concept of being a "cheapskate."

I wouldn't be proud of the fact that my wife pays for this or that; she should pay something as a token of contribution, sure, but since you are probably worth more now than she could ever get in 10 lifetimes, ...well, be generous.

By the way, growing up in the late 60s and 70s I can tell you that according to traditional American values, every housewife had a monthly "allowance," for which she used to run the household..and anything more, of course, was for her to enjoy.

You just have it in your mind that the same money has a different name here in the Land of Smiles.

Works for me...

I have to agree with Mark Wolfe. If you are the main income earner then you are expected to help out. How much is entirely up to you and your wife. I know that when I was married (twice) I certainly paid for everything, and my wives had access to our bank account and the visa card. With my second wife I financially helped out her adult children. Unfortunately, I was played for a sucker by them.

That is just one of the many reasons why I now stay single. I can CHOOSE to be generous, or not, and I have no obligations to anyone but myself. Frankly, I don't see a lot of reason to be married... anywhere. The only logical reason for marriage is to have children. There are very few other benefits. I help support a couple of Thai families, but only do so as a form of charity. I used to give to other charities, but decided my money was better spent with a direct approach to cut out the middle man. It leaves my conscience free to know I'm doing my little bit in helping others more in need. And, I don't have to worry about some lawyer and judge telling me what I have to pay when some wife wants to shag her current lover.

Marriage works for some... But it should be more than just kids, a loving and everlasting relationship. It obviously does not get that far for many couples. And if it does not then you make, as you seem to have done, different choices

[OOB]

Money as "support" or "gifting" is expected here from we from the West. All your arguments are good from your aspect and irrelevant from that of the Thais. I agree with you and I don't. You can be proud, as you are, of having a "true love" relationship not buttressed by any financial support on your end, and you may indeed have this, but there is also the concept of being a "cheapskate."

I wouldn't be proud of the fact that my wife pays for this or that; she should pay something as a token of contribution, sure, but since you are probably worth more now than she could ever get in 10 lifetimes, ...well, be generous.

By the way, growing up in the late 60s and 70s I can tell you that according to traditional American values, every housewife had a monthly "allowance," for which she used to run the household..and anything more, of course, was for her to enjoy.

You just have it in your mind that the same money has a different name here in the Land of Smiles.

Works for me...

I have to agree with Mark Wolfe. If you are the main income earner then you are expected to help out. How much is entirely up to you and your wife. I know that when I was married (twice) I certainly paid for everything, and my wives had access to our bank account and the visa card. With my second wife I financially helped out her adult children. Unfortunately, I was played for a sucker by them.

That is just one of the many reasons why I now stay single. I can CHOOSE to be generous, or not, and I have no obligations to anyone but myself. Frankly, I don't see a lot of reason to be married... anywhere. The only logical reason for marriage is to have children. There are very few other benefits. I help support a couple of Thai families, but only do so as a form of charity. I used to give to other charities, but decided my money was better spent with a direct approach to cut out the middle man. It leaves my conscience free to know I'm doing my little bit in helping others more in need. And, I don't have to worry about some lawyer and judge telling me what I have to pay when some wife wants to shag her current lover.

Marriage works for some... But it should be more than just kids, a loving and everlasting relationship. It obviously does not get that far for many couples. And if it does not then you make, as you seem to have done, different choices

I would not have married (at the time - nearly 12 years ago) however it made getting visas and subsequently right to remain, citzenship and a UK passport possible. Not for everyone, I agree, but best move I ever made.

[teetersb]

I think the eldest daughter, in rural culture, should pay some maintanece towards her family.

In modern Thai culture there normally isn't any money paid towards the family unless they are in financial difficulites.

I was always led to believe that the youngest daughter paid the most? And that comes from a selection of younger female siblings.

I am expecting to be corrected here.

- eldest daughter

- youngest daughter

- eldest son

- youngest son

By now, I have read and heard it all (and have asked this once before, but no reply).

I am starting to believe it is the one with the farang relation

You are both correct in your posts. The eldest daughter to the youngest son is the major Thai tradition for most of the rural regions, while the Chinese influence that has developed in the North and Central regions, over the last couple hundred years, tended to be from eldest son to youngest son. Modern Thai culture is usurping these traditions/values and moving to the nuclear family so prevalent in Western culture. The eldest daughter is responsible for the parents and is also the inheritor of the property title in traditional Thai culture and that is why most of the women in Thailand are said to "control the purse strings". Often the Thai man wishing to marry not only pays "Sin Sod", but also moves to the wife's home and labors in their rice fields, theerefore unable to support his own parents.

So, in response to your question it is not the norm to pay to the parents, but rather to give the wife a monthly allowance and it is her responsibility to support them, if the husband is financially able to do this. Otherwise, the Thai husband and his wife toil the fields to support the wife's family. Also, if you look at the construction sites and manufacturing plants you will see the women working alongside the men trying to make enough money to support their family, but sadly this is transitioning from an extended family to a nuclear family. I feel it is up to the individual to decide whether, or not to support the wife's family and to what extent. We need to try annd look at this from a neutral view, keeping in mind Thai traditional culture, and decide if we are in a position to help the family.

[Mark Wolfe]

CrossBones:

If you are a farang then she is marrying down because Thais a superior to farangs so you have to compensate.

That is how it often is with working class Thais.

That's an interesting statement.

Micky44:

...we have been married over four years now.yes she was a bar girl when i first met her, so this assumption that all bar girls are no good is totally not true.

No offense, but I don't think there is any rehabilitation. It's like alcoholism; even if you stop for years you are always referred (and refer to yourself) as an alcoholic. If a woman has crossed the mental line that it is acceptable to sell her body for money, it is forever an option. Not that it would ever happen to you, but if the bottom fell out of a four-year (10-year, whatever) relationship, the woman who once earned very good money as a bargirl understands that returning to the occupation is a real option.

Speaking of such, I know a bargirl who currently works in a bar, trades sex for money with foreigners, but has a Thai boyfriend who gives her nothing and vice versa. There appears to be no jealously from the Thai man, who sees her work as just that -- a job. Although they are not married as in the OP's question, here is an example of a couple who do not engage in financial "help." This has some relevance since many Thais do not "marry" in the sense that we think of; instead, they are in what we might call a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship (but call themselves wife and husband).

[dbrenn]

I'd like to ask a hypothetical question.

Lets say two Thai's, each coming from similar social/economic backgrounds marry each other. What would the financial obligations be for the husband to his wife's family?

Now let's assume they both come from poor rural backgrounds with no education past secondary level.

My question is:

1. Would the husband be obliged to pay his wife's family a monthly allowance?

2. Would the wife be obliged to pay her husband's family a monthly allowance?

3. Would neither pay because it not part of Thai culture to pay an allowance to each others family?

Lets keep the answers civil folks.

For the first question, I guess the dowry will take care of it.

I have never heard about monthly allowance to the families.

However, it is normal to always share, and send something home regularly.

So I guess in this case they both would take care of both families?

Normally Thais marry people of a similar socio-economic status. Apart from the dowry, which is often returned to the couple in one way or another, regular support payments are not part of the deal.

This is unlike what often seems to happen when a poor farm girl marries a relatively wealthy foreigner. In the latter case, a large difference in wealth between the girl's family and the foreigner will usually result in requests for assistance, which so often are the cause of resentment within such a marriage. In the absence of social security, the girl is often a poor family's sole source of income, and the situation doesn't change when she marries ...

[Tomissan]

I think the eldest daughter, in rural culture, should pay some maintanece towards her family.

In modern Thai culture there normally isn't any money paid towards the family unless they are in financial difficulites.

I was always led to believe that the youngest daughter paid the most? And that comes from a selection of younger female siblings.

I am expecting to be corrected here.

Your're right, The youngest daughter is ultimately responsible for the parents until they die. In exchange, she will inherit the family house and/or land. The other brothers & sisters all get a slice of land although less than the youngest daughter......and after 20 years, I've never seen a Thai husband get the dowry back. I've only heard of it and I've been to many weddings within my wife's immediate family.....and every one did give a dowry, never less than 1/2 mb. (bargirls are the exception, no Thai would pay one, in fact, I don't know any Thai's married to bar/ex-bargirls.)

Edited September 2, 2009 by Tomissan

[Sakeopete]

My in-laws receive help from their son and 2 daughters (father-in-law is paraplegic), don't forget Thailand has no social programs or real pension plans. I am happy to help out, my wife raises our children so she can not work. I am happy to contribute the 1% of my wage every month considering in the 8 years my wife and I have been together her parents never asked for a single baht. They also returned the sin sod that was only for display at our wedding.

[Geekfreaklover]

I think the eldest daughter, in rural culture, should pay some maintanece towards her family.

In modern Thai culture there normally isn't any money paid towards the family unless they are in financial difficulites.

I was always led to believe that the youngest daughter paid the most? And that comes from a selection of younger female siblings.

I am expecting to be corrected here.

Your're right, The youngest daughter is ultimately responsible for the parents until they die. In exchange, she will inherit the family house and/or land. The other brothers & sisters all get a slice of land although less than the youngest daughter......and after 20 years, I've never seen a Thai husband get the dowry back. I've only heard of it and I've been to many weddings within my wife's immediate family.....and every one did give a dowry, never less than 1/2 mb. (bargirls are the exception, no Thai would pay one, in fact, I don't know any Thai's married to bar/ex-bargirls.)

Sounds like you may have been spun a yarn old boy. I am quite sure that the eldest daughter is the one expected to pay. But if your other half is the youngest daughter then I'm sure the culture can be changed to include you as the payee.

Edited September 2, 2009 by Geekfreaklover

[Birdman]

Before and even now in very rural parts the husband gave all his monthly income to his wife, who took care of all finances. If he needed something, he had to ask her first for the money. That's true.

I even knew a Farang, who called his gf on the first of each month to come to his office and take his whole salary. If he wanted something, he had to ask her. That's true too.

[thaihome]

...farang men shouldnt be so paranoid... i listen in on many conversations among the thai men working here (almost all isaan of course) and they pretty much sound like these converstations , with the men complaining that their mother in law wants too much money, or is turning the wife against the husband, or the wife wants too much money etc etc etc.

...

Great post and echo’s what I know from other migrant workers from Issan, even if not overseas.

It is worth noting that not a single poster going on and on about farangs are the only ones that pay, has bothered to respond and they have just kept on with their bitterness.

TH

[JRinger]

Sounds like you may have been spun a yarn old boy. I am quite sure that the eldest daughter is the one expected to pay. But if your other half is the youngest daughter then I'm sure the culture can be changed to include you as the payee.

Tomissan is correct. The youngest daughter is responsible. better check your source, geekfreaklover.

Edited September 2, 2009 by JRinger

[patklang]

why on earth would a falang want to support his wifes/girlfriends family is beyond me. OK if you have a lady from shall we say the darker side of pattaya then yes, your a customer, and customers have to pay for a service 100%.but IMHO to carry on theses payments when you are married or in a realaship akin to marriage is just another form of prostitution, outrages. if a falang and his partner are in Europe for instance, and she has a job then yes if she wants to send some of her money back home to help OK, its her wages to do what she wants,as long as she helps out with some of the costs in the home.if your in Thailand and she lives with you and you pay for everything and she still wants an allowance tell her to go get a job, like 80% of Thais do.like i said Early if your a customer you pay, girlfriend or wife NO WAY.

So if a lady is from soi khoa noi or nermplab or soi khoa talo they will expect farang to pay for her mum and dad,unless the darker side means something else,pray tell.Or do you mean somewhere in Pattaya that gets electricity cut off periodicaly.

[patklang]

I think the eldest daughter, in rural culture, should pay some maintanece towards her family.

In modern Thai culture there normally isn't any money paid towards the family unless they are in financial difficulites.

I was always led to believe that the youngest daughter paid the most? And that comes from a selection of younger female siblings.

I am expecting to be corrected here.

Your're right, The youngest daughter is ultimately responsible for the parents until they die. In exchange, she will inherit the family house and/or land. The other brothers & sisters all get a slice of land although less than the youngest daughter......and after 20 years, I've never seen a Thai husband get the dowry back. I've only heard of it and I've been to many weddings within my wife's immediate family.....and every one did give a dowry, never less than 1/2 mb. (bargirls are the exception, no Thai would pay one, in fact, I don't know any Thai's married to bar/ex-bargirls.)

Now how would YOU know if a thai guy is married to bar/ex bar girl.Many many karaoki bars have hookers and only thais go there,so all them girls,all over Thailand,not just Pattaya,Phuket etc,will not marry a thai man at some time.What about many many thai lady singers in thai bars who sell their bodies too.I am afraid your comments are based on no reality about thai life whatsoever.I could take you to many places in Pattaya,restaraunts,furniture shops,carrefor etc etc who have ex bar girls working and you wouldnt know,so please talk with some knowledge and sense.

[Tomissan]

Now how would YOU know if a thai guy is married to bar/ex bar girl.Many many karaoki bars have hookers and only thais go there,so all them girls,all over Thailand,not just Pattaya,Phuket etc,will not marry a thai man at some time.What about many many thai lady singers in thai bars who sell their bodies too.I am afraid your comments are based on no reality about thai life whatsoever.I could take you to many places in Pattaya,restaraunts,furniture shops,carrefor etc etc who have ex bar girls working and you wouldnt know,so please talk with some knowledge and sense.

"Knowledge and sense" ? My post is based on my experience and observation of my wife's family (quite large) and the people living around me and over 20 years of living here. UP HERE or everywhere else I've lived in the country, I've never known of any Thai man marrying a bargirl, have you ?

........ Must be the good air there in Pattaya that keeps you sharp, eh?

Edited September 2, 2009 by Tomissan

[cdnvic]

Enough of the hooker/karaoke girl/bargirl nitpicking. Get back on topic before the thread degenerates into another fight please.

[Lopburi99]

Recently while discussing with my wife our plans for saving to build our new home in about two years, I said I am expecting her son (27) to take care of her basic needs after I die. Knowing her as I do, her expression was definitely "no way in hel_l would he do that". Upon my death (I am now 62), I am expecting to have provided my wife (49) with a paid for home, land, and car. Beyond that there will probably be little in the bank because I have only a modest monthly pension and there will be future medical and other expenses as we further age.

My wife also has a daughter (25). From what I've read on this thread, it appears tradition will be for her daughter, not the son to provide for her mother later on.

This doesn't sit well with me. My wife and her now deceased husband have given the son everything. I'd like to see him accept some responsibility for his mother's well-being when she becomes a widow again. Yes, I know, this is Thailand, not the U.S. Still doesn't sit well with me nonetheless.

[soloman]

A SIMPLE ANSWER that seemed to give me clarity when told to me by an intelligent Thai lady. "The child who can afford to give the most, is expected to give the most to support their parents and so on down the line of children according to their ability to pay!" I am guessing if a Thai lady has a (rich? tee hee) Anglo boy friend then she is expected to give the most!!

[scorecard]

Sorry people but I cringe when I see comments like "Why should I support my wife's family","It's a rip off" etc.

Just a little bit of checking will tell you that is part of very long history in this counry and It's not our place to have any opinion about whether it's right or wrong.

Let's also remember that it's only in the last few decades that the concept of 'pension' started in Thailand and for many many years it was only civil servants who got any form of pension, and for years it was tiny.

Only a few Thai companies pay pensions. Also the concept of payout at retirement is relatively new, it is now required by the Thai labor law, but many Thais still work outside of the official system therefore they get no payout, or work for employers who simply disobey the law and get away with it.

We have all heard Thais say that they must have children because that's their security when they are old and can't take care of themselves.

Comparitively, many (not all) westerners come from countries where superannuation / pension (or whatever label you want to use) is well structured and has been for a long time. Therefore many westerners are well able (to some extent automatically) take care of themselves in old age.

My Thai son follows the tradition of paying a small allowance to his wife's parents who are not poor but certainly not rich, but he knows (doesn't expect) that when his daughters birthday etc., come along there will be a nice monetary gift with a clear 'instruction' from his in-laws that the money is for his daughters school fees.

-----

Why suddenly has a topic which is worth sharing experiences about degenerated ino a discussion about Pattaya bar girls compared to Karaoke girls etc. Come on people these girls make up a tiny percentage of the Thai population, surely discussion of the mainstream would be more enlightening.

[Geekfreaklover]

Tomissan is correct. The youngest daughter is responsible. better check your source, geekfreaklover.

My source is information gathered from ten years living, working and having a family in rural Isaan - what's yours?

The eldest daughter is primarily responsible for helping with the welfare of her family.

The youngest daugher idea does not make sense (unless you married the youngest daughter) - The first born takes care of the younger siblings and then furthermore helps with the family.

Edited September 2, 2009 by Geekfreaklover

[Lancelot]

Locals are more likely to marry within their income bracket, so dramatic cash flow in any direction is less likely.

Can't speak for all Thai fellows, but I'd wager the 'he's my brother' thing probably isn't going to fly either.

If we get to vote, I'm casting mine on Hengs post

[JRinger]

My source is information gathered from more than 20 years living, working, observing, listening, communicating, and having a family in rural Isaan..

Maybe you should ask your wife the answer since you seem to be confused. , and another thing, you seem to be somewhat hostile also. and your statements about it not making sense? Hmmm...Can there be any other topics in Thailand that "don't make sense"? or am I alone on this one.

Try a stronger coffee....more sleep maybe ?

[way2muchcoffee]

Why suddenly has a topic which is worth sharing experiences about degenerated ino a discussion about Pattaya bar girls compared to Karaoke girls etc. Come on people these girls make up a tiny percentage of the Thai population, surely discussion of the mainstream would be more enlightening.

With estimates as high as 3 million Thai people working in the sex trade that amounts to nearly 20% of the population.

Some of my wife's friends send money home. In the poorer families it doesn't matter which family needs the money. The husband and wife, together, will help either family when necessary, to the extent they are able. The wives generally pay a greater portion of their earnings than the men. This is only in the limited cases I've seen in the seven years I've lived here. Clearly there are many scenarios based on class, wealth, job, number of kids, number of living parents/grandparents, etc. etc. etc.

Edited September 2, 2009 by way2muchcoffee

[MiG16]

Regarding support of the wife herself (as opposed to in-laws): I'm not sure about Thailand, but in Japan the working husband would give ALL his salary to the wife, and she would give him a monthly allowance (and manage the rest of the money).

I should move to Japan

[Heng]

Locals are more likely to marry within their income bracket, so dramatic cash flow in any direction is less likely.

Can't speak for all Thai fellows, but I'd wager the 'he's my brother' thing probably isn't going to fly either.

If we get to vote, I'm casting mine on Hengs post

And if elected, all would be well rewarded!

[mahtin]

With estimates as high as 3 million Thai people working in the sex trade that amounts to nearly 20% of the population.

Thailand — Population: 65,068,149

Did you mean 2%?

[micky44]

Sorry people but I cringe when I see comments like "Why should I support my wife's family","It's a rip off" etc.

Just a little bit of checking will tell you that is part of very long history in this counry and It's not our place to have any opinion about whether it's right or wrong.

Let's also remember that it's only in the last few decades that the concept of 'pension' started in Thailand and for many many years it was only civil servants who got any form of pension, and for years it was tiny.

Only a few Thai companies pay pensions. Also the concept of payout at retirement is relatively new, it is now required by the Thai labor law, but many Thais still work outside of the official system therefore they get no payout, or work for employers who simply disobey the law and get away with it.

We have all heard Thais say that they must have children because that's their security when they are old and can't take care of themselves.

Comparitively, many (not all) westerners come from countries where superannuation / pension (or whatever label you want to use) is well structured and has been for a long time. Therefore many westerners are well able (to some extent automatically) take care of themselves in old age.

My Thai son follows the tradition of paying a small allowance to his wife's parents who are not poor but certainly not rich, but he knows (doesn't expect) that when his daughters birthday etc., come along there will be a nice monetary gift with a clear 'instruction' from his in-laws that the money is for his daughters school fees.

-----

Why suddenly has a topic which is worth sharing experiences about degenerated ino a discussion about Pattaya bar girls compared to Karaoke girls etc. Come on people these girls make up a tiny percentage of the Thai population, surely discussion of the mainstream would be more enlightening.

hi there, every relationship is different, if your happy to PAY your WIFE then carry on. i wonder what would she do if you stooped the payments?

[Heng]

The same thing that happens in the west when you decide to stop paying property taxes, your mortgage, car payments, stopped going to work and instead smoked weed all day, etc. Oh, well, maybe not exactly the same as she wouldn't just take half. She'd probably take it all.

[Schooner]

Each relationship is unique. Even in the west it is prudent to understand what ones marrage partner's expectations are. My wife and I had a conversation before we went to the "next" level. we both wanted to know what the other was expecting. Soon after I met her she told me about how her grandparents took her in when she was 6 when she had to leave her family in BKK for the village because her parents were breaking up and could not manage 4. She described sleeping with her grandmother for the first two years she was with them and holding her grandmother holding her hand every night. From that moment on I cared about her grandparents and everything that has happened since then has only confermed my decision to help them out. Her grand parents are hard working salt of the earth types who treat me like a king when I visit. Her grandmother and I can't talk but I sit with her and hold her hand and there is a connection that is very nice. My wife told me up front she wanted to go to University and be successful in life and in the 3 years we have been togather she has worked her butt off to be a A student and a good wife. Now she is working at a very popular Thai resturant in FL and making big money while learning the ropes. She has exceeded all my expectations and I am so incredably lucky to have her. Everywhere she goes this little farm girl endears herself to people and she is respected and loved by all in my family. Her whole family is hardworking and they all are making good choices and doing well. We started out sending $75 per month for the support of her grandparents and we built a new house for them which was about 320,000 baht. Now she is making more than me she gladly pays the household bills and adds to the buildup of our savings. She now sends more to her family and it is all from her salary. She wants to make life easier for her mom who stays at home in BKK and cares for her brothers son. We still have an unsold house in Pattaya and has gone over to take charge when our renters moved out. As I reflect on the past 3 years with her I would do everything the same way. I wanted a deeper relationship than I could have with the girls that I was seeing while living in Pattaya for 2 years and I got it. she wanted someone to open doors that she could then go through and become successful not just in a money sense but learning how to balance her life. We both have what we want. I think that you can find traditions and examples of people doing different things to justify what you want to do, but you have to do what is comfortable for you in each case.

[MrHammer]

In my country, parents are supposed to help their children's family out if they need something. But we generally prefer a quality over quantity breeding approach.