3 Children , 20 Years In Thailand And 16 Years Together

[needforspeed]

I also understand his position. My job with the Forest Service in BC meant being away from home for a minimum of one month every other month. That meant a coastal log scaler was away from home for 6 months of the year. For married couples it was VERY stressful on both spouses and there were many that couldn't handle it. Periods of longer than a month often lead to marital problems. Many of the men had drinking problems brought on by being away from their families. Many women had extra-marital affairs. Only a few insular people could handle that type of marriage.

I also agree that he has received some good advice here, but he has to sift through the stuff that is of no value. I don't make excuses for anyone's behaviour because I don't have to deal with their life. I DO feel by going slow that it is the best way to solve his problem. Many people thought I was crazy to live in the same home as my ex-wife after we had agreed to split. I did it for over 2 years until my children had both graduated from highschool. But, I had the children's best interests at heart. As it turned out it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

IanF got a intresting story i would like to know if there are more people who did the same and there experience about this.

Splitting up your relationship with wife or GF but still live together under the same roof just for the children.

Even as all other ways i consider this as well.

[needforspeed]

I am almost going home, any people had experience with my previous post.

Thanks a lot.

[desi]

I am almost going home, any people had experience with my previous post.

Thanks a lot.

My parents did just that. They stayed together, just didn't talk.

Well, my father talked (yelled was more like it), but my mother was mostly silent. For ten years.

When the divorce finally came, it was explosive. Before, during, and after.

None of it was a good experience for us kids.

So I guess if you do decide to go that route, play it by ear and be ready to pull out if it is affecting your kids.

Because your kids are watching to see how you and your wife deal with relationships. Watching and learning.

They are little people in training. And you two get to do the training.

To deal with their lives once they leave home (to help make sure they don't make bad choices), what they really need to experience is two parents interacting in a healthy way.

Or the next best thing. Whatever that is.

Good luck on your trip home.

Hugs.

[needforspeed]

I am almost going home, any people had experience with my previous post.

Thanks a lot.

My parents did just that. They stayed together, just didn't talk.

Well, my father talked (yelled was more like it), but my mother was mostly silent. For ten years.

When the divorce finally came, it was explosive. Before, during, and after.

None of it was a good experience for us kids.

So I guess if you do decide to go that route, play it by ear and be ready to pull out if it is affecting your kids.

Because your kids are watching to see how you and your wife deal with relationships. Watching and learning.

They are little people in training. And you two get to do the training.

To deal with their lives once they leave home (to help make sure they don't make bad choices), what they really need to experience is two parents interacting in a healthy way.

Or the next best thing. Whatever that is.

Good luck on your trip home.

Hugs.

Dear Desi,

I am sorry to hear that, wasn,t my intention to open any wounds.

I am not a yeller even my Gf isn't and yes i understand that it is going to have a effect on the children whatever is going to happen.

I just try to get some information about this as IanF post was very possitive about this and i can live with a situation like that.

Of course it isn't about me alone so lets see what the neer future is going to bring me.

Thank you very much for your response on this matter,

NFS

Edited February 10, 2010 by needforspeed

[kiwiinasia]

DNA tests anyone?

Empty bank accounts disown credit/debit/store cards, sell major assets or torch them. Run up debts on her credit card if you can, preferably in a well know knock shop or even better GOLD SHOP!

Burning down the house with all her stuff in it is the only sane option. Get your kids stuff out 1st and tell them why you have to use so much kerosene to clean the house down.

Arrange suitable accommodation for them and tell them she can stay with them but you will not visit nor support them while the evil one stays there.

Inform ALL family and friends of events and leave town for work.

The only way to handle a material girl is to destroy all the material things around her and do so publicly so that everyone gets the right message especially her family and your children.

Being sober during such events while admirable it is not compulsory and may even detract from the enjoyment you get.

Good luck!

(ps rebuilding a shack on the land cannot be prevented, but burn all the grass to make it harder!)

[StreetCowboy]

DNA tests anyone?

Empty bank accounts disown credit/debit/store cards, sell major assets or torch them. Run up debts on her credit card if you can, preferably in a well know knock shop or even better GOLD SHOP!

Burning down the house with all her stuff in it is the only sane option. Get your kids stuff out 1st and tell them why you have to use so much kerosene to clean the house down.

Arrange suitable accommodation for them and tell them she can stay with them but you will not visit nor support them while the evil one stays there.

Inform ALL family and friends of events and leave town for work.

The only way to handle a material girl is to destroy all the material things around her and do so publicly so that everyone gets the right message especially her family and your children.

Being sober during such events while admirable it is not compulsory and may even detract from the enjoyment you get.

Good luck!

(ps rebuilding a shack on the land cannot be prevented, but burn all the grass to make it harder!)

Dear NFS,

Some comments (like the above) you have to interpret in the light-hearted manner that they were intended, and realise that other people's sense of humour may be very different from your own.

__________________

On a serious note

My parents separated when I was eleven or twelve - my father for another woman - but get on fairly well to this day.

I can see that living together after a separation could be unbearably painful, but at the end of the day you both love your children and I believe. and I hope, bear no real animosity to one another. It will probably help to remind yourself of that, from time to time...

My very best wishes for an amicable resolution that allows your children to keep both their parents

SC

Edited to try and improve clarity of meaning...

Edited February 10, 2010 by StreetCowboy

[BigWheelMan]

I've read the first page and last page of this thread.

What were you expecting when you leave for weeks at a time?

You leave her here to raise your three kids by herself?

You have put your job and career over her and the kids

It does not matter how much money you make. This story

is proof that some things are more important than money.

she needs love and attention and you are not there to give it to her.

If you ask me, you made your bed, now sleep in it.

I don't think what you saying is very fair.

Maybe the OP is not the perfect husband, that's not for me to judge, but why all the deceit and lies?

I had a similar experience with my first wife. I know I had many faults, but after being together for so long as in the OPs case, the wife should have put her cards on the table, rather than treat her man as something that has passed it`s sell by date.

It makes a person feel of little worth. It`s probably because the wife want's to feather her own nest with another viable proposition before she smacks the OP in the face with the bad news.

Best advice for the OP is, expect the worst when you return home and get yourself prepared emotionally.

Edited February 11, 2010 by BigWheelMan

[NanLaew]

Come home on schedule and take care of your assets. Tell her early on that your next work tour is going to be a longer one (say 6 weeks) and you are sorry about that. If she is going to plan anything with any 'lover' she has enough time to do so. Watch for signs.

For your subsequent break, come home a few days later than your 'regular' 4 weeks but earlier than the 6 you told her and see what the state of play is. However, don't psych yourself up too much that you will be catching her in flagrente since you don't even know if she does have a latin lover anyway... it's still all conjecture at this point.

You have just one chance at this game and if you don't catch her being unfaithful this time then after making sure you have your assets and childrens interests protected, confront her with your 'evidence'. Otherwise this will start eating you up at the work site and you will have relationship issues with bosses, peers and subordinates. Believe me you will.

In my case, I was working 6 weeks on and 2 weeks off when we got married and the subsequent contracts were 8 on and 4 off. We had houses, cars and she had small businesses to keep her busy but eventually I felt the love draining out of the relationship and the increasing feeling of being taken for granted. My attitude at work began to stink, to the point that I was almost terminated as no matter how good I was at the job, nobody wanted to work with me. So then I started to cheat but apart from the physical bit, it didn't make me feel any better about the situation. So one time I came back unannounced with the intent of getting myself laid before going home and bless my soul, I caught her in bed with one of the lodgers. Game over! Subsequent discoveries leading up to the divorce uncovered her gambling habit and the deceit she used to feed it. She was bored, she had money, she didn't feel particularly loved but I think screwing the lodger was not a regular thing although I suspect she may have had some other 'release' from casual acquaintances, maybe mutual friends, who knows?

I look back at where the marriage went wrong and it would seem when I started doing my 'own thing' on my time off. Early in the relationship, we did most things together. Later on, I would spend more time doing more things with my friends and she with hers, ie. our circle of friends was pretty much mutually exclusive as she did her Thai stuff and I did the farang stuff. She did get pretty convinced that I MUST be cheating on her since our sex life was below par but to be honest, my infidelity came very late in the game, shortly before my finding her in the compromising situation.

Some have said there's two sides to each story and I have never heard my ex-wife's as she chose not to show up at the divorce court. However, I would consider that the lifestyle that we lived around my expatriate work schedule was a major factor. Too much time on her hands when I was working and less and less time together when I wasn't. Ours was a childless marriage so it was relatively easy to sort out and get my life back together; 'forty days and forty nights' of flat-out drinking and shagging restored my self esteem.

Good luck. I am sure you will do the right thing but take stock of what your contribution has been to the marriage and relationship other than breadwinner, loving husband, doting father, etc.. Something sent her off the rails... if she is off the rails that is.

[needforspeed]

I've read the first page and last page of this thread.

What were you expecting when you leave for weeks at a time?

You leave her here to raise your three kids by herself?

You have put your job and career over her and the kids

It does not matter how much money you make. This story

is proof that some things are more important than money.

she needs love and attention and you are not there to give it to her.

If you ask me, you made your bed, now sleep in it.

I don't think what you saying is very fair.

Maybe the OP is not the perfect husband, that's not for me to judge, but why all the deceit and lies?

I had a similar experience with my first wife. I know I had many faults, but after being together for so long as in the OPs case, the wife should have put her cards on the table, rather than treat her man as something that has passed it`s sell by date.

It makes a person feel of little worth. It`s probably because the wife want's to feather her own nest with another viable proposition before she smacks the OP in the face with the bad news.

Best advice for the OP is, expect the worst when you return home and get yourself prepared emotionally.

I dont expect anything when arrived home, i call her every day and all seems normal.

My mate when with his wife to my place yesterday and all normal, he don't know about this so if something strange he would tell me for sure.

I am still go ahead with my plan.

[needforspeed]

Rented a new place for myself small one 45 m2 , but just use it as storage, good security.

Bought a safe and send documents to that place even as some paintings.

Cant do the DNA test i just love them, and dont care what will be a result so no use to do this.

We go to the bank next week for a loan on her house.

[desi]

I'm glad to hear that there is no DNA test.

Take care (nice to know that you are home and finding your way)

[needforspeed]

I'm glad to hear that there is no DNA test.

Take care (nice to know that you are home and finding your way)

I dont believe i mean dont have any religion , but go to a temple by tomorrow in just feel that i need to go there.

Nothing happening at home just secure some things and talk with her next week as we go on a holiday for 4 days.

Thanks again Desi

[needforspeed]

Good luck and my very best wishes for your future. Take Care.

Thanks

[tooninthai]

16 years is a long time. Sorry to hear about this. Many of us have been through that mill, both male and female. It takes time to heal a damaged heart.

That trust has been destroyed and as you are working away from home it makes the mind work overtime wondering what is going on behind your back.

There are the children to think of, of course, but as others have said, get your own house in order and take time to plot your future.

Get a grip on the finances too. I doubt it will be long before she knows or suspects something is badly wrong because you will give the game away by your own reactions to her.

Take care and get there.

[needforspeed]

16 years is a long time. Sorry to hear about this. Many of us have been through that mill, both male and female. It takes time to heal a damaged heart.

That trust has been destroyed and as you are working away from home it makes the mind work overtime wondering what is going on behind your back.

There are the children to think of, of course, but as others have said, get your own house in order and take time to plot your future.

Get a grip on the finances too. I doubt it will be long before she knows or suspects something is badly wrong because you will give the game away by your own reactions to her.

Take care and get there.

Got grip on finance already, and to be honest that isn't so important for me.

Going to talk with her next week, would like to stay together just for the children and have our own private life beside this.

[senshusband]

At this point, do you KNOW that something is going on or are you still THINKING that something is going on. It would be so terrible to have all these emotions and it turn out to be something that can be explained. Not to mention feeling like a moron. Been there. I felt like such a dumba$$ for accusing my wife because I felt insecure and didn't have the trust. So are you 100% sure that she is fooling around?

[hhgz]

"Sounds like a regular topic but it isnt..."

Sure is: "farang with an unfaithful girlfriend" is a popular topic of discussion.

The "hey, it's a special relationship, and she'll never cheat on me" is a popular and mistaken belief.

[stingray]

Move on. Good luck.

Find a new one (there are so many available overhere) or enjoy the freedom and stay alone. UR not married, so what's the problem?

[RAZZELL]

At this point, do you KNOW that something is going on or are you still THINKING that something is going on. It would be so terrible to have all these emotions and it turn out to be something that can be explained. Not to mention feeling like a moron. Been there. I felt like such a dumba$$ for accusing my wife because I felt insecure and didn't have the trust. So are you 100% sure that she is fooling around?

Exactly. Might just be an ego thing..."I'm still attractive" etc

RAZZ

[needforspeed]

At this point, do you KNOW that something is going on or are you still THINKING that something is going on. It would be so terrible to have all these emotions and it turn out to be something that can be explained. Not to mention feeling like a moron. Been there. I felt like such a dumba$$ for accusing my wife because I felt insecure and didn't have the trust. So are you 100% sure that she is fooling around?

I am not stupid and spend time, money and frustration if i wasn't sure.

[needforspeed]

Move on. Good luck.

Find a new one (there are so many available overhere) or enjoy the freedom and stay alone. UR not married, so what's the problem?

I am not sure but maybe my Children".

[needforspeed]

At this point, do you KNOW that something is going on or are you still THINKING that something is going on. It would be so terrible to have all these emotions and it turn out to be something that can be explained. Not to mention feeling like a moron. Been there. I felt like such a dumba$$ for accusing my wife because I felt insecure and didn't have the trust. So are you 100% sure that she is fooling around?

Exactly. Might just be an ego thing..."I'm still attractive" etc

RAZZ

Razzell, i was hoping that it was the thing, but i was wrong.

[needforspeed]

My relation is over after 16 years and 4 months.

[desi]

So sorry to hear that...

[needforspeed]

So sorry to hear that...

Thanks Desi,

I feel very very sad, bad and empty.

[neverdie]

So sorry to hear that...

Thanks Desi,

I feel very very sad, bad and empty.

Okay, so now you just need to make sure that YOU realise that these are perfectly natural feelings you have.....without the sad, bad and empty you wouldnt be the decent human being that you are.

Its a slow process but things eventually tend to point towards the sky again.....U need to stick around for that, its worth it.

[StreetCowboy]

My relation is over after 16 years and 4 months.

So the relationship with her as your spouse is over? How is the relationship as mother of your children? That relationship is still worth working at, although in the short term the former relationship may get in the way.

All the very best wishes for the future for you and your children, and their mother, I suppose

SC

[desi]

I can only imagine.

Most reading this will have had their 'been there, done that' type of experiences.

Looking back, action and time are what worked for me.

[needforspeed]

Okay, so now you just need to make sure that YOU realise that these are perfectly natural feelings you have.....without the sad, bad and empty you wouldnt be the decent human being that you are.

Its a slow process but things eventually tend to point towards the sky again.....U need to stick around for that, its worth it.

Thanks mate,

Doesn't feel like it is natural, i just dont know what to do.

[Maizefarmer]

Haven't read all the replies - does the OP say anywhere when all this was happening and how long it went on for, and is it still going on??