Soooooo Hard Being A Hertero Male In Bangkok

[TheLaughingMan]

All my life I have had a very limited accessibility to potential new friends due to the fact that I do not drink. That might not make sense to some of you but believe me when I tell you, half the men I meet immediately discount me as a possible friend when I meet them the first time and they find out I do not drink, ever. I clearly remember one dude being completely honest with me after we had spent some time hanging out and joking and he said "man... thought we could be friends but you don't drink". He literally never talked to me again.

Anyway, so as per the usual I do not get invited out much by my group of "friends" but it was one of their birthdays the other day and they must have felt obligated to invite me out since it would make the birthday party seem bigger. So we go out, of course to cowboy.... just about the single most boring place on the planet next to nana. I do my utmost best to not have a constant look of complete boredom and annoyance on my face so I don't drag down the other guys good time and subsequently encourage them to never invite me out again. Oh by the way along with the drinking I also don't Ho. I don't judge those that do but I find the whole idea.... lame and boring. I want passion and excitement and the possibility of love... none of that exists in the ho world and if you believe it does you have bought the lie and illusion wholeheartedly and there's no way you will ever understand what I mean. So lets not talk about that.

So there I am, trying to pretend to enjoy myself just so I can spend time with "the guys" and do "guy" things even though I totally don't relate. Doing my best but failing miserably. I think its obvious I aint into it..... but if I don't perform well enough I know I won't get invited out ever again and land up staying home every night for the next few years of my life until I finish the projects I have set out to complete in Thailand. And I'm too young to be staying in every night year after year! I'm in my 30's and feel that I should be out there doing SOMETHING or I'm a complete loser right? I don't have a wife or kids so no excuse to be a hermit.

Then there is my other group of friends. These guys aren't into the ho scene, they are into the hostess scene. Which to me is worse. But still I go out with them any opportunity they give me because I'm just plain desperate to get the hel_l outta my house. Hostess members clubs are clubs where you pay a lot of money to have beautiful girls sit with you while you drink way overpriced booze (or overpriced cola in my case). The girls ARE beautiful, but again its the same lie and illusion that I see in the Ho scene. Its worse than the ho scene because you spend way more money and don't actually get anything for it.... Acting like they like you and want to listen to you when all its about is paying money for pretend friends. I try to smile and act like I'm not bored senseless but... well I usually leave early when I simply cant keep up the act anymore.

Sometimes I get to go to "discos" if I can actually wrangle up a friend or 2 that doesn't absolutely NEED to go somewhere they can buy a lie. These are ok because they are full of regular people that don't sell lies for a living.... mostly. But here's the thing... I'm shy. So, actually meeting a regular Thai woman that A) isn't racist and avoids falangs at all costs B)isn't actually an off duty Ho or C) is assertive enough to let me know she is interested (smile, wave, cheers etc..) is very difficult for me. In fact I would say its more than "very difficult", more like impossible. And no I'm not fat and ugly, I'm not going to get into that but lets leave it at: I'm not ugly... in the slightest.

I know everything I said is completely alien to most of you reading this, probably makes a good number of you mad since truthfully a lot of you cant tolerate people that aren't the same as you. To most of you Thailand is the most exciting place on earth! And the happiest! To me it is the saddest loneliest place I can ever remember being. Im actually starting to forget that there are places out there where you can meet real people that aren't expecting something monetary from you in return for friendship or "love". I'm starting to feel like the whole world is like this. I need a vacation, that is for sure but work never stops, maybe if I get away from here for a couple of weeks I'll remember that THIS is the strange place and not ME that is strange. Maybe.

Sorry for not being another exciting "is 2 million baht enough sinsod for my previously married with 4 kids fiance?" or "I think my bargirl wife is cheating on me" thread. Is there room here for something different and completely out of the norm?

[tangcoral]

Is that the only thing to do in Thailand? Drink with honeys?

I'm sure I can find a 100 other different activities that does not include drinking.

Edited February 25, 2010 by tangcoral

[Neeranam]

Why don't you drink?

Where I come from we don't trust tea-totalers.

[SoiGirlHunter]

Dont be shy, if you see a girl you like just go say "hello" and see where it goes. If you get shutdown keep trying, soon you will have a

cute lil tee rak you cant get rid of.

Also a good girl will be ecstatic that you dont drink/butterfly.

Dont get down, keep trying.

[daveh]

This is the same the world over. In the US it's hard to get a non-drinker excited about going out for drinks after work. I usually get a, "What for?" response when I ask. As a drinker, I admit inviting non-drinkers out (to a bar) usually doesn't work out for either party.

Other than complaining about not having friends that like to do things you like to do, what do you like to do? I think you should start there, then attempt to find people to become friends with while doing those activities. What hobbies do you enjoy? Are there clubs that meet in person and do/discuss these hobbies?

[NADTATIDA1]

You have got to stop feeling sorry for yourself mate and start looking at the positives in your life...there really is so much to do out there other than drinking! A change of routine in your daily life,maybe a short break to evaluate where you want to be in your personal life...nothing to do about your career,,,,whats more important to you?? money or happiness! i think a lot of your problems may be to do with this.You seem to me to be blaming other people for your unhappiness and this is a kind of depression....even some sort of anxiety comdition..seek help with this maybe to boost your confidence,i used to drink heavily now i do not and enjoy the company of drinkers the same as i did before.A bit of positivity in your life is needed.

seriously your post is a very honest one as is my reply,get the confidence back,good luck

[britmaveric]

Maybe you are gay?

[IanForbes]

Why do you even care, laughingman? There are hundreds of interests that don't involve drinking. I don't drink much either, and seldom more than one or two beer or glasses of hard stuff. But, I DO buy the ladies a drink if I go to the bar. I can honestly say that I have NEVER been drunk... EVER. But, I HAVE on occasion had more than what would be called over the legal limit by North American driving standards, but I'm always sober. With friends who DO like to drink I'm often the designated driver. I'm not setting myself up as some star example; I just don't like the woozy feeling of having too much to drink.

Now, about the woman thing; I don't see one problem with any woman who uses her body to gain something out of life. Everyone should use whatever assets they have. Whatever goes on between consenting adults should be nobody's business but the couple. I don't see one thing wrong with sex, and women have been using sex for many reasons: to further their careers, to pay for items they might otherwise not afford, to attract potential husbands, to help out the family, to pay for their childrens education, etc. There's not a lot of difference between a woman who uses her beauty to snag some unsuspecting rich dude into a marriage of convenience, to a woman who has sex for money to support her family. And, I can assure you that during a divorce the poor dude WILL get taken to the cleaners... and it will cost him far more in the end than ever paying some woman outright for sex.

As I've said before, I have a lot of friends for completely different reasons. Some I go fishing with, some I go hiking with, some I go on motorcycle rides with, some are into the arts and theatre, others are for conversation, and yes, some are strictly for sex. In some cases my friends and I share several of those interests, but not all. A person who doesn't have a lot of interests is usually a boring person. Who wants to be bored living with someone who doesn't share a lot of similar interests? I see that happening a LOT in Thailand. You can only be satisfied by a stunningly beautiful woman for a short time if you don't have any similar interests other than sex. And, who needs someone just to cook for you and do your laundry? You can hire someone for that much cheaper.

So, if I have any advice to give it is to develope some hobby or satisfying interest that takes your mind away from being lonely. I'm fortunate that I have interests in the arts, creative writing and photography. They combine nicely with my outdoor interests. I have to turn down opportunities because I just don't have enough time.

[Benjie]

I've got friends that I don't go out drinking with! However I choose them much more carefully than 'mates' I go out for a beer with.

I've also got friends that come out and don't drink but can have fun.

I don't know the reason you don't drink, and I mean no offense but you sound awfully judgemental and seem to analyse everything WAY too much. If 99% of the people in the world find fun in something and you don't, perhaps it's something you need to think about?

[elcent]

when you have a group of friends you don't feel comfortable, change something about it.

I understand the area you're living is very difficult to get what you're looking for.

A good Thai woman appreciate a partner that doesn't drink.

What age are you looking for?

[cobra]

... I'm a complete loser right? ...

Define complete,

Seriously, you may just be suffering from depression or some variant,

You can always just order a drink and just sip at it, at least you'll look the part.

But like others have noted, maybe find a different venue, Starbucks, gym, golf, artistics,

professional window shopper, mall walker, just get out of the house and let life happen.

[manarak]

I'm a complete loser right?

no... some parts are missing.

Tell me one thing: is a good, no strings attached shag with a gorgeous girl enjoyable for you?

If the answer is "no", then you're certainly different from 99.9% of men, foreigners and Thais altogether.

Then there is the question why you don't drink.

I once had the problem that I drank too much and spent approx. 7 hours sitting on the toilet in an ethylic coma.

During six month after that, just the smell of alcohol made me feel sick. After three months, I was able to drink half a glass of beer before turning green.

Is that the reason you don't drink, or why don't you like having a few beers? After 3 or 4 beers you would be less shy in your approach of the girls.

So, actually meeting a regular Thai woman that A) isn't racist and avoids falangs at all costs B)isn't actually an off duty Ho or C) is assertive enough to let me know she is interested (smile, wave, cheers etc..) is very difficult for me.

I don't know what the problem is here.

I am NOT HANDSOME and last time I was at Hollywood (ratchada), a cute glasses-wearing university student passed her nails on my back as I was passing near her. I turn my head - big, really cute smile, and two other girls giggling right and left from her. But I was already with someone.

Go to places where more girls are interested in foreigners - and this means go to dicos where foreigners go, the girls will be there.

Edited February 25, 2010 by manarak

[ourmanflint]

Sad story, I almost had tears.. but then I realised I don't see how not drinking or not wanting to dive into the bargirl scene would in any way affect someone who has other interests, and the confidence in himself not to give a rats ar%e about anyone else.

Thai girls can be seem extremely harsh to someone looking for love, because they often are not, they just want to have a good time and earn some dough anyway they can. Money is everything to the girls you will most likely meet in the places your friends go, nothing wrong with that, but it's not like going out and meeting girls in the US or Europe.

Most bargirls even thought they might seem like they are selling a lie and living a lie are more than likely very decent people if you give them half a chance, maybe you should force yourself to learn more about them without judgement.

I feel for you I do, but it seems you're the one creating these artificial barriers to having a good time yourself.

[Briggsy]

You have articulated in 7 paragraphs How Soon is Now by The Smiths.

Edited February 25, 2010 by Briggsy

[sharecropper]

You have articulated in 7 paragraphs How Soon is Now by The Smiths.

From a Smiths song title point of view, I thought more "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable now"!

[sokal]

You sound like the kind of guy that needs a wife. Get on a dating site and find one.

Your not going to get anywhere in discos if you are shy, going on Kamikaze missions all night doesn't sound like fun either. Will you admit that you need a female partner or are you not willing to give up your single lifestyle yet ?

[ProfessorFart]

Well drink then sir!

You'd never had sex before you were a virgin!

Good but rather lame troll! This'll be on LP tomorrow!

[BlackArtemis]

get involved in some of the local sport clubs. Pick up golfing, I know of farangs who get together to play games like scrabble etc. If you are interested in mountain biking, camping, motorcycles etc, there are plenty of groups who get together to do activities that don't involve drinking. Browse the "local" forums and see what is going on.

Also to everyone else, don't patronize people for not drinking, you never know if someone is an alcoholic and has been fighting to stay sober, yet wants to be private about it.

[ProfessorFart]

Scrabble....you must be from Cha Am...?

I drink and beat the Cha Am Scrabble Mafia hands down a few years ago thanks to QUATRO. BELLY (TLS) and BAR+KING (TLS)

What made it better was that I was 'on my way' when I won. I then shagged one of the player's daughter who was visiting, but she was a bit ropey and didn't like Megadeth but any port in a storm eh?

[canuckamuck]

I completely understand the OP, I don't drink either. I have nothing against it, and on rare occasions I will have one. But the event is so infrequent I just say I don't drink. I don't like the feeling.

For many years I tried to keep up, but I eventually decided if I don't like it why pretend I do.

I too have trouble retaining friends, at least friends who drink. I am married, and my wife doesn't drink either so that is ok. But I feel that people who do drink seem to have little ability to socialize without a glass in their hand, and non drinkers make them nervous somehow.

Just try going to a party and not drink, you will be asked all night, 'wheres your drink?' like they're embarrassed or worried for you. You would be treated better if you showed up without pants on but had a drink in your hand.

To the OP, I can't offer a lot of advice other than just be yourself, If you don't want to consume alcohol, don't. The world isn't going to change to suit you, but you will save a lot of money and you will likely always find your way home in the evening without some embarrassing or life threatining incident. If you want to find non drinking friends, you'll find quite a few in churches.

[llso]

You are absolutely correct, Laughing Man. I thought the same thing ten years ago when I arrived on the Shores of Thailand. I had once said "back Then" if every disenfranchised Western Male had discovered Thailand they couldn't build enough Jumbo Jets to bring us all here. however;things have changed through the years. In my first six months I had aches in muscles I never knew existed. I unfortunately caught the "disease" and am now living with my lovely aging Thai wife < 22 when I met her and our wonderful daughter.

LL

[phetaroi]

I understand where LaughingMan is coming from. He sounds like me...except that he is in his 30's and I am in my 60's.

In regard this topic, there are 3 groups of people -- those who are "drinkers", those who have an occasional drink, and those who don't drink. I long ago came to the conclusion that the "drinkers" and the "non-drinkers" will never understand each others motivations. So for you drinkers, I'll tell you a quick story...mine...with the caveat that when I was in high school (and the drinking age in NYS was 18 then), I did occasionally drink when I would go out with the guys, or go bowling. I've vomited all over. I've had hangovers. Been there. Done that. Not often. Didn't see the attraction. I haven't had a single drink since I got out of college, and if I had one now with all the meds I take it would be very problematic. I'm not opposed to alcohol; don't think it should be restricted for adults. It's just not a preference that I have at all. Why?

My father was an alcoholic; lost his family over it; eventually remarried to an alcoholic and then lost the respect of all around him ("They're just a couple of drunks"); spent most of his life "alone" (even when he wasn't alone); extended family remained somewhat protective of him because at least he was a quiet and gentle drunk; at age 60 had a massive stroke (from which he surprisingly recovered) after which he totally quite drinking when the doctor said "I'll put it to you simply Vincent -- you drink, you die"; for the next 23 years he never drank again and even quit smoking (after being a 3-5 pack-a-day man); lived till he was 83...mostly alone...except for when he was in bars. But here's the funny thing -- did I ever see my father "happy"? Yes, on those occasions when he wouldn't drink...when he would behave -- Christmases, Thanksgivings, family reunions, birthday parties, and the like. Then you'd see the smiles and hear the laughs and hear him tell the stories; that's when he'd "shine". The rest of his drinking life -- mopey, depressed acting. But he never seemed to be able to make the connection that he was happier sober than when drinking.

Due to my dad's drinking, my parents divorced and I was raised by my grandparents. A truly idyllic childhood, but it all became a nightmare during the teen years when my grandfather lost his job, began drinking heavily, got a job as a bartender. Almost daily arguments in the family over his increasing alcoholism. Reckless driving while drinking that put all of us at risk. Another ruined family. And I could go on to tell you about my aunt who died at 40 due to increasing alcoholism and a number of other "drinkers" in my family. But you get the point...well you probably don't...but let's just say that for me (and many others like me), there's a real reason we don't like to drink or hang around those who do.

But again, I have no problem with those who are "drinkers". I just don't wanna hang around with them. We have little in common.

What I have found since moving here a year ago is that I do feel a bit isolated, other than my partner. The bars have never been "my thing", but before moving here I had plenty of close and long-term friendships that evolved from work (teacher/principal). But now being a retiree, and being here, those old friends are back home and there is no work environment through which to easily make new friends. So other than with my Thai partner (who works), I spend a lot of time alone "in the city" with photography and a few other interests. I'm not complaining, and I know that sooner or later some things will click and I'll develop a wider circle of friends, but as the OP pointed out, it's not easy.

[ProfessorFart]

Non drinkers are more sanctimonious then non smokers.

I take it then that none of you drink then you, just get your whores sober, and she has a shit night out before she has to be with you precious fools.

Yup. We all need a night off the ale but we get over it.

Try reading a book, try watching TV, try waiting for the wife to go out and have a crafty frap like you would when you were back in Twatsville Tennessseeeee with Glooooreaah.

That is to say, doing what you have done all your lives before Oh Glooreeeeah!! ran off with One armed Dave from the Knackersack Yard!

Goshdarn it! If it didn't do your 'staring at the picture of Jeeesus Nights to see who could see him move fuurrst' - right in, but you lived with it and moved to Thailand!

I cry that you find you have to come to a country of happy alkies!!!!

The problem really lies with the fact that you're stuck with a woman you can't communicate with!

My advice! Don't wank off here about how great you are. Go learn Thai!!

It gets better then! Really! You can BOTH go for a beer!

Edited February 26, 2010 by ProfessorFart

[jaideeguy]

Once the dr told me to stop drinking [compromised liver], I lost quite a few friends.....funny how much you are judged and not to be trusted if you don't drink, like you have the disease.

On the few occasions that I do socialize with drinking friends, i now see them in a different light and see loud, rude, know it all, argumentative people.

now I save a lot of money and agony from hangovers.

No Problem.....

[britmaveric]

Drink or not drink - doesnt really matter too much to me. If you are fun person it will not matter much and you will have no issue within a normal social circle. Get out and LIVE!

[PeaceBlondie]

Congratulations. For not drinking or whoring. In the Bible Belt, there are millions of hetero men like you. Here, you're a 'catch.' Anybody who insists you have to drink or whore is a loser. You're probably not gay, tho there's nothing wrong with that. You're shy. Over 30, single. Find sober mates.

[MiG16]

heres something to do with the guys that does not involve drinking:

http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/5-side-Footb...5&start=125

lots of other things that you can do.

join a gym. you may even meet some women there, if thats what you wish

take up golfing.

try salsa dancing?

join a drama/performance group?

you could even try starting a thread on thaivisa to find if there are other non drinkers who have similar interests and hobbies to you, and arrange a get together to do those things together....

all the best

[ProfessorFart]

Jaideeguy, (crappy handle)

Its not the not drinking but the 'my shit don't stink' attitude non drinkers seem to get especially here.

I find it funny when I see chaps belting off about 'Expats who spend all day in Bars' when thats probably what they did during their first five trips here and little else.

Drinking isn't an evil unless you're a Methodist dick like one finds in Lancashire. Yorkshire and many parts of the US.

It's just something people do.

For some, especially the English (and our offspring) the Germans and the Scandic nations it's a cultural activity.

By decrying our drinking, you are debasing our (and probably your own) culture.

Seriously, if you lack the imagination to live without alcohol then you guys have the problem, not we Band of Stumbly Brothers

[Donnyboy]

the amount of girls ive heard say they want a man that isnt butterfly, would be in the hundreds.

There are thousands of single girls out there not working in the "industry" they are everyday normal girls.

my tip would be look during the day, most in the "industry" are sleeping

[yenyen]

initially i didnt want to reply to this thread. it sounds like a self deprecating attempt at trying to get other people to feel sorry for ones self but i have to think about my first trip to thailand and what it consisted of

a)trip to the islands, snorkeling, scuba diving, train ride, boat ride, hiking, rice paddy walks,

b)trip to the mekong river delta (is there any other place like it?)

c)trip into burma/lao bordering countries in the golden triangle

d)visit to the hall of opium/northern thailand villages on a motorbike

come on man there are loads of things to do in thailand, step outside yourself and the norms of your routine and see the beauty of the jewel of southeast asia.

6 weeks later and a slew of photos makes for one hel_l of a scrap book. if i was as lucky as you to have business in thailand to keep me there for a set amount of time i would probally buy a sport bike and tour the surrounding countries on motorbike.

edit: all of these things are things you can do very much alone and have a hel_l of a time by yourself along with the acquantances you make along the way

Edited February 26, 2010 by yenyen