What Should I Give?

[schmokinn]

my wifes grandmother has just died. i have met her once when she was in hospital spoke to her with respect with the little thai i know and gave her some money so she could enjoy a few luxuries while she was there.there was no mention of how ill she was but i could tell she would not be with us long,i believe she died quietly in her sleep.

my wife has not mentioned wanting to go back for the funeral,but the subject of what we should do has come up.as i understand it the whole family puts in money for her expenses.now i would quite happily pay for the whole thing but i believe it is the thai way for everyone to contribute.

my question is

1)am i right

2)what would be a good amount to give(as i have no wish to make other contributions look small or seem to be tight)?

i asked my wife but she says she has no idea(i do not think she has experienced this before)and not having any idea of costs i am stuck.

any information greatly appreciated.

thanks schmokinn

[BambinA]

my question is

1)am i right

2)what would be a good amount to give(as i have no wish to make other contributions look small or seem to be tight)?

thanks schmokinn

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

1) yes..you're right sweet and kind

2) it depends on place that has funeral ceremony, ..and you can paid from 1000-10000bht (i put 10k coz u said"i would quite happily pay for the whole thing " .. mean you're ready to paid big money

Bambi

PS..maybe ask for all they have to pay..and maybe u can support em ,10-15%

Edited June 30, 2005 by BambinA

[lopburi3]

Your wife really needs to talk this over with family as there are all kinds of ways to take care of it. Perhaps she is afraid to offer any suggestions but if you make it as clear to her as you have to us that you are eager to do what is proper she should be able to come up with some ideas. I suspect direct children rather than grandchildren will be expected to take care of the bulk of expense.

In my family one sister took care of everything when mother died with understanding she would keep gifts rather than dividing them. She was also the one to remain in family home so family can usually come to agreement quickly on these things.

[schmokinn]

my question is

1)am i right

2)what would be a good amount to give(as i have no wish to make other contributions look small or seem to be tight)?

thanks schmokinn

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

1) yes..you're right sweet and kind

2) it depends on place that has funeral ceremony, ..and you can paid from 1000-10000bht (i put 10k coz u said"i would quite happily pay for the whole thing " ..

Bambi

PS..maybe ask for all they have to pay..and maybe u can support em ,10-15%

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

thanks bambi...a great help cheers

[Thetyim]

6000 baht

[mnoorsapl]

Be generous, money is no concern here, if can contribute more that is even better. But be present during the funeral.

[lopburi3]

Was thinking you were both here in Thailand but now see you may be in the UK with your wife. As you are probably the wealthy member of the family it probably would not be out of line for you to send more than other grandchildren (and they may send little or nothing as it is usually the parents who divide the costs). But as suggested anything from 1,000 to 10,000 would probably be good; and I would probably go on the high side as it will help defray some of the combined expense for other family members who may not be a fortunate.

[schmokinn]

Waht should you give?

As it is the rainy season now how about a gallon of petrol and a box of matches?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

u ######ing prick...if i could reach u i would slapthe shit out of you

[Tywais]

6000 baht

I agree, 6000 baht is about the average cost of a funeral from what I've experienced. However depending on the family status, etc. Booze, food, etc. could add up but I think this amount would please them. Also a nice multiple of 3 though 9999 baht would be very auspicious of you

[phazey]

I'd offer around 10k depending on what needs to be done. As Thai family units are on a whole a lot tighter than the norm, I think any amount would be appreciated and utilised.

A very noble gesture.

PS. maerim - tasteless. Comments like that are really not needed when there is loss of family life involved.

[Nordlys]

Best you can do is to fly to Thailand and be present at the funeral.

You and your wife being part of the 'family', that is far more important than making any monetary contribution.

If this is not achievable, I would suggest having somoene arrange to send a wreath in you and your wife's name to the mortuary. If I were the family of the deceased, I would not expact a family member or a close kin to bring in a cash in envelope and if anything I believe this kind of money should be given hand to hand, certainly not to be wire transferred through a bank from overseas as if it's some kind of payment. However, since you are part of the family I think this is a matter you and your wife can openly discuss with the family in Thailand and ask what their needs are and how you can contribute.

Edited June 30, 2005 by Nordlys

[lopburi3]

Best you can do is to fly to Thailand and be present at the funeral.

You and your wife being part of the 'family', that is far more important than making any monetary contribution. 

If this is not achievable, I would suggest having somoene arrange to send a wreath in you and your wife's name to the mortuary.  If I were the family of the deceased, I would not expact a family member or a close kin to bring in a cash in envelope and if anything I believe this kind of money should be given hand to hand, certainly not to be wire transferred through a bank from overseas as if it's some kind of payment.  However, since you are part of the family I think this is the matter you and your wife can openly discuss with the family in Thailand and ask what their needs are and how you can contribute.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

As this will probably be over in 3 days I would not expect a grandchild to travel from Europe (if that is where they are) and do not believe having a family member put money in an envelope that you pay back to said member would be wrong or odd. We do it all the time in Central Thailand when unable to attend in person. Do not believe a grandchild would be expected to be directly active in planning but that would depend on the family.

[Bilko]

Tell the wife you are willing to pay it all, then let her make the arrangements.

[Nordlys]

As this will probably be over in 3 days I would not expect a grandchild to travel from Europe (if that is where they are) and do not believe having a family member put money in an envelope that you pay back to said member would be wrong or odd.  We do it all the time in Central Thailand when unable to attend in person.  Do not believe a grandchild would be expected to be directly active in planning but that would depend on the family.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well I don't know about farang culture/custom but don't you fly home to attend the funeral if your grandfather/mother dies? Where I came from, a funeral is usually over in 2 days (that is, if you die this morning you'll be cremated tomorrow) and I flew home to attend the funeral when my grandfather died. So did one of my Thai employee just two weeks ago whose Japanese husband's grandfather died. She heard of her in-law's death in Japan and by the next evening they were on the plane to Japan, they barely made it on time for cremation. From my experiences, most funerals in Thailand last average 4 days to a week which gives plenty of time for relatives/friends to make it in time for cremation.

Edited June 30, 2005 by Nordlys

[Khutan]

my question is

1)am i right

2)what would be a good amount to give(as i have no wish to make other contributions look small or seem to be tight)?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

1. Yes

2. 1500 Baht; its enough to buy a VCD player and a VCD of Issan music to wish her off to the next life. The Temple will have a TV to plug in to the player so everyone can think about the music.

Sorry if I sound cynical, I have been there and done that far too many times.

[The Nemi]

Waht should you give?

As it is the rainy season now how about a gallon of petrol and a box of matches?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dude something serious is going on in here...may be u can have fun in the jokes n puzzel section

have fun.

schmokinn sorry to hear the news.

[RamdomChances]

Best you can do is to fly to Thailand and be present at the funeral.

You and your wife being part of the 'family', that is far more important than making any monetary contribution. 

If this is not achievable, I would suggest having somoene arrange to send a wreath in you and your wife's name to the mortuary.  If I were the family of the deceased, I would not expact a family member or a close kin to bring in a cash in envelope and if anything I believe this kind of money should be given hand to hand, certainly not to be wire transferred through a bank from overseas as if it's some kind of payment.  However, since you are part of the family I think this is the matter you and your wife can openly discuss with the family in Thailand and ask what their needs are and how you can contribute.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

As this will probably be over in 3 days I would not expect a grandchild to travel from Europe (if that is where they are) and do not believe having a family member put money in an envelope that you pay back to said member would be wrong or odd. We do it all the time in Central Thailand when unable to attend in person. Do not believe a grandchild would be expected to be directly active in planning but that would depend on the family.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

As this will probably be over in 3 days I would not expect a grandchild to travel from Europe (if that is where they are) and do not believe having a family member put money in an envelope that you pay back to said member would be wrong or odd.  We do it all the time in Central Thailand when unable to attend in person.  Do not believe a grandchild would be expected to be directly active in planning but that would depend on the family.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well I don't know about farang culture/custom but don't you fly home to attend the funeral if your grandfather/mother dies? Where I came from, a funeral is usually over in 2 days (that is, if you die this morning you'll be cremated tomorrow) and I flew home to attend the funeral when my grandfather died. So did one of my Thai employee just two weeks ago whose Japanese husband's grandfather died. She heard of her in-law's death in Japan and by the next evening they were on the plane to Japan, they barely made it on time for cremation. From my experiences, most funerals in Thailand last average 4 days to a week which gives plenty of time for relatives/friends to make it in time for cremation.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Its usually 3 nights with the cremation on the 4th day (around here anyway). Usually it is the childern that arrange and pay for the funeral. My farther-in-law died about 2 years back in total it came to about 40,000 bhat I think, my mother-in-law paid for it with a bit of help from the children. The 3 nights where at the house with the cremation on the fourth. You(who ever is organising it) will have to provide food and refreshments for the guest over those 3 nights (not alchol), coffin, money for the monks ect we had around 60-100 people each night. (the whole service 3 nights and day can be held in a wat, I dont know how this would affect the cost)

While it would obviously be nice to attend I by no means think it is nessesery or that people would think bad of you for not attending. It is very common here for relitives who are unable to attend for any reason to send money (usually with someone who is attending). Traditions may vary in different parts of thailand but thats how things are usually done here (central thailand)

[Nordlys]

Its usually 3 nights with the cremation on the 4th day (around here anyway). Usually it is the childern that arrange and pay for the funeral. My farther-in-law died about 2 years back in total it came to about 40,000 bhat I think, my mother-in-law paid for it with a bit of help from the children. The 3 nights where at the house with the cremation on the fourth. You(who ever is organising it) will have to provide food and refreshments for the guest over those 3 nights (not alchol), coffin, money for the monks ect we had around 60-100 people each night. (the whole service 3 nights and day can be held in a wat, I dont know how this would affect the cost)

While it would obviously be nice to attend I by no means think it is nessesery or that people would think bad of you for not attending. It is very common here for relitives who are unable to attend for any reason to send money (usually with someone who is attending). Traditions may vary in different parts of thailand but thats how things are usually done here (central thailand)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yes, that quite fits the description of funerals I have seen in Thailand.

I didn't imply it is bad of anyone for not being able to attend but I can't imagine Thai grandchildren not attending the funeral of his/her own grandfather/mother as long as s/he is in the country, let alone asking someone to hand his/her own parents the money in envelope.

[Kringle]

Sorry to hear about your loss and contribute what you can. I think Bambi pretty much nailed it as far as what to do. I do think that you don't want to press an attitude of "I'm the rich farang and I'll pay everything" type thing but it depends on needs. If you have the dough and your misses is cool with it then go for it. I would like to think that I could and would take care of this situation if it was my Mother. This is the best I can offer to this.

All the best to you and your families,

Kringle

Edited June 30, 2005 by Kringle

[A. BOOZER]

Waht should you give?

As it is the rainy season now how about a gallon of petrol and a box of matches?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Maerim, I think that you are totally out of order!

[Nordlys]

Excuse me for a bit off topic question.

Where I come from (Japan), if a funeral comes up on the same day you have invitation for a wedding, you are expected to give funeral a priority over a wedding and I understand that is the acceptable norm in Thailand too (correct me if I'm wrong). Is this same in farangland?

[Khun Larry]

1000 baht

[Dara]

my wifes grandmother has just died.....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

For family, I should think that 5,000 - 10,000 baht is appropriate. Your wife should talk to her mother and find out what the expense will be, then go from there.

It's been customary for friends/acquaitances to contribute to a funeral when they attend (in Bkk anyway) For an older person, how much you get usually depends on how many friends of the children/grandchildren there are.

Today's guideline, from what I understand is:

500 - 1,000 if you don't know the family well

3,000 - 5,000 for closer friends

10,000 and up for family & closest friends

This guideline works for weddings as well...

[Belfastboy]

mt wifes grandmother died last year...they were all very close to her, regarding her grandmother closer than her mother.

but one thing i found very strange at the funeral ceremony, after the cremation. we had to give all those who attended nail clippers..!!!!!! and when i say we..i mean my wifes family.

i mean is this usual behaviour, it sort of made me realise how different we are from the thai culture.

can u imagine giving nailclippers to the attendees in a western funeral!!!!

but i respect their culture, and everything about it

[bina]

from what i know of the thai guys in israel, they dont fly back (one, his father died last month, so all the guys here sent money to his home; the other, his brother died here, body shipped back, the body is still in the wat til the monks decide when to do the cremation and also they dont have money for that at momen; an other, father died, didnt go home either)...

what is really expensive is the hi/lo games that go on ; i went ot an old old man's funeral in ban chiang, ... hi/lo all night, police , 'boxing' , the works... i was given food in bags when i went home (extended merit making by the family?)

the funniest part was that i was invited to go by being asked in bad english: we go now to bbq for old man (cremation)... and the crematorium chimney at the wat had too many holacaust connotations for me...

nordlys: its very personal, i didnt go home for my grandma's funeral ( mom told me it is a waste fo money, dead is dead etc etc)....but in israel, people are like professional funeral attenders, depending on cause of death... a young soldier who was killed in action may have many many additional people attending because they themselves lost their own son, etc... and they identify with the family;

on kibbutz we all go to all funerals regardless of personal connection, it is the community connection (small town thing)...

culture, religioun, and personal preference play a large part in how things are dealt with

[johna]

My mother in law died 5 years ago and her funeral expenses came to over 100 000 Baht, of which I gave 20 000,Donations received from mourners came to about 160 000 Baht of which I received nothing.

[lopburi3]

mt wifes grandmother died last year...they were all very close to her, regarding her grandmother closer than her mother.

but one thing i found very strange at the funeral ceremony, after the cremation. we had to give all those who attended nail clippers..!!!!!! and when i say we..i mean my wifes family.

i mean is this usual behaviour, it sort of made me realise how different we are from the thai culture.

can u imagine giving nailclippers to the attendees in a western funeral!!!! 

but i respect their culture, and everything about it 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It is normal for the family to give an item to those attending, usually after they leave the paper flowers under the body, and that could be nail clippers, handkerchiefs or amulets and such. Also there is a custom, at least in the Central region, of family tossing coins to the village children at this time.

[Neeranam]

my wifes grandmother has just died. i have met her once when she was in hospital spoke to her with respect with the little thai i know and gave her some money so she could enjoy a few luxuries while she was there.there was no mention of how ill she was but i could tell she would not be with us long,i believe she died quietly in her sleep.

my wife has not mentioned wanting to go back for the funeral,but the subject of what we should do has come up.as i understand it the whole family puts in money for her expenses.now i would quite happily pay for the whole thing but i believe it is the thai way for everyone to contribute.

my question is

1)am i right

2)what would be a good amount to give(as i have no wish to make other contributions look small or seem to be tight)?

i asked my wife but she says she has no idea(i do not think she has experienced this before)and not having any idea of costs i am stuck.

any information greatly appreciated.

thanks schmokinn

Condolences to the OP.

I think it depnds a lot on the social class and wealth of the family.

If you are looked upon as the rich guy, then the family are probably waiting for you to offer to pay for the whole thing. For your wife not knowing, this is often like my wife - she actually does know the normal thing to do, but when the farang is involved the family change their normal practice.

I would give about 20,000 baht, which is a lot for me.

My mother in law died 5 years ago and her funeral expenses came to over 100 000 Baht, of which I gave 20 000,Donations received from mourners came to about 160 000 Baht of which I received nothing.

This is not right!

This says a lot about the funeral in Thailand(especially if there is a farang around), and why some people want to pay for the whole thing(so they get all the money returned).

You are either part of the family or not. Did your wife recieve any money?

Christ, man don't let them cheat you.

Edited July 1, 2005 by Neeranam

[Tornado]

I havent read the thread ao not sure if its been said.

I went to my wifes fathers funeral a few months ago and all of the kids had to come up with any shortfalls (money) that was not covered by the "party"/"donations". I think that is a fair way of sharing the burden and taking the stress away from the mother.

We ended up even in the end and my wife and I had to add nothing. If I had to pay something, I would of gladly! Family means responsibilty.

Edited July 1, 2005 by Tornado

[Braccobaldo]

..I don't think you should think about the right amount....family of your wife will let you know soon...