Best And Worst From The Edinburgh Fringe

[The Philosopher]

Top ten best jokes judged at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe

1) Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8) Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."

10) Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

And the worst…

Sara Pascoe - "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."

Sean Hughes - "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"

John Luke Roberts - "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."

Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

Bec Hill - "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."

Dan Antopolski - "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."

Doc Brown - "I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price."

[eefoo]

I quite liked the 'worst' ones. I don't understand 9 and 10 of the 'best' at all.

[John_Betong]

10) Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

Would someone please explain about writing numbers on a wooden spoon.

.

[John_Betong]

Last years awards:

Comedian Dan Antopolski has won a prize for the funniest joke of this year's Edinburgh Fringe.

The funnyman, who has previously been nominated for the Perrier award, picked up the trophy from TV channel Dave.

Nine comedy critics sat through thousands of jokes before choosing 27 for viewers to vote on.

The winning joke was a one-liner from 36-year-old Antopolski's show Silent But Deadly - "Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge"?

The Londoner proved popular with critics and viewers and another of his jokes made the top 10 list.

The Top 10 jokes were judged to be:

1) Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge"?

2) Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'".

3) Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong".

4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West".

5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending".

6) Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough".

7) Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it"!

8) Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble".

9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't".

10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder.

So I didn't finish a lot of them".

The judges sat through an average of 60 comedy performances each before creating a shortlist of 27 jokes.

More than 3,000 comedy fans voted, with almost 18% choosing Antopolski's one-liner.

• Antopolski said: "I'm delighted to get the prize. Although I have won things before at the Fringe, this definitely means the most to me and that it should unite my loves of hedgehogs, comedy and Dave makes this prize very special."

The judges also listed some of the worst jokes at this year's Fringe.

• Carey Marx - "I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad".

• Frank Woodley - "I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling".

• Alex Maple - "Michael Jackson only invented the moonwalk so he could sneak up on children".

• Phil Nichol - "She's got a face like a rare Chinese vase - minging".

• Alistair McGowan - "I've just split up from my girlfriend, which is a shame, because it was a long-standing arrangement. Perhaps if we'd sat down a bit more...

Nicked from: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/8216991.stm

[Peterbigeyes]

LOL nice! Had a lot of fun reading this

[Rumblecat]

I quite liked the 'worst' ones. I don't understand 9 and 10 of the 'best' at all.

Vanessa Feltz is a portly UK TV presenter, so the joke is that "life is like a box of chocolates : empty" - both because she's had well publicised personal problems and she has a weight issue. So her life is empty and so's the box now.

And number 10 is about a UK thing in some chain pubs where they give you a number on a wooden spoon to take to the bar so they know which table you're sitting at. It's not a rib-tickler to me...

[eefoo]

I quite liked the 'worst' ones. I don't understand 9 and 10 of the 'best' at all.

Vanessa Feltz is a portly UK TV presenter, so the joke is that "life is like a box of chocolates : empty" - both because she's had well publicised personal problems and she has a weight issue. So her life is empty and so's the box now.

And number 10 is about a UK thing in some chain pubs where they give you a number on a wooden spoon to take to the bar so they know which table you're sitting at. It's not a rib-tickler to me...

Thanks for that, Rumblecat. They do say that if a joke has to be explained, then it isn't a joke. I'd swap any of the 'worst' ones for those two!