Dealing With The Stigma Of Having A Thai Gf In Homeland?

[Ruperts]

I live with my Thai gf in my western homeland. There aren't many other interracial couples around. We get stared at a lot, to the point where I feel uncomfortable in being out and about with her in busy public places.

To her this translates as me being embarrassed to be seen with her and it hurts her a lot.

It's particularly bad if we go to a restaraunt and it's busy and everybody can hear each others conversations. As we will almost certainly be the only interracial couple in the restaurant I already feel insecure and feel as though everybody is staring. It has to be said that a lot of the time these feelings are justified because people are at least intrigued. My gf speaks good conversational English but it is strongly accented. I feel like people make judgements when they hear her talk. When we're alone I converse with her normally and occasionally have to exlain the meaning of a word or an odd turn of phrase. I can't stand the thought of having everybody in a restaurant listen to me having to teach my gf English words, so we almost always end up sitting in silence and then she complains of feeling alone because I am not really there.

I fear just about any social situation with her. My social life is now almost non-existant because I don't want to go out and meet people and then have to watch their faces react when they find out my gf is Thai. It's almost like they instantly lose respect for both me and her. It's a big blow because we are both decent, hard working professional people. She is a good, honest person, the type of which are hard to find in any country and if she was from anywhere else, I would feel proud to have her as my gf. I have lost friends, became distanced from family because of my inability to get over this fear.

As a front I have long maintained that I do not care for the judgement of people who base their opinions on cheap stereotypes, but that's just a front, and over time it has been eroded. It has now got to the point of no return and I must either get over this or lose her. I don't want to lose her, but my paranoia and insecurity about this is so strong that I really feel I may have to let her go.

Any words of wisdom? Is this normal? Do I need professional help?

Edited February 26, 2012 by Ruperts

[Thaddeus]

Any words of wisdom? Is this normal? Do I need professional help?

1. They will be forthcoming.

2. Yes.

3. No.

[ronz28]

Get over it. They are just curious and you two are interesting to them. Its their loss if someone of them can't admire and appreciate the diversity and richness of other cultures. Most do understand or are just trying to learn.

[endure]

I suggest you make every attempt to get over it. If you don't the opinions of strangers are going to run your life for you.

[oldgent]

forgive me for asking but... how old are u and how old is ur GF. and i take it that ur in the UK.

[samuiseagull]

Time to man up mate!!!!!

Stop feeling sorry for yourself...if you love the girl you should'nt care what other people think!!!!

If your problem is worrying about what other people think when your in a restaurant.........go to a Thai restaurant!!!!!!

[irlguy1]

Easier said than done but you have to get over it mate and screw what anyone else thinks.

your relationship takes priority and real friends will stay your friends the rest dont matter

[KeyserSoze01]

Time to man up mate!!!!!

Stop feeling sorry for yourself...if you love the girl you should'nt care what other people think!!!!

If your problem is worrying about what other people think when your in a restaurant.........go to a Thai restaurant!!!!!!

+1 Been there, got the t-shirt. You need to man up for the sake of your relationship. It's crap like this that begins to separate you as a couple if you let it get to you. As you said, she already interprets your demeanor as being ashamed of being seen with her in public.

[JBL]

Get over yourself - be proud

JBL

[DP25]

Sounds awful, you need to learn to not care or move someplace where people don't stare. It'd be really sad to break up over that.

I've never had that problem, the state I'm from the population is only 40% white and interracial couples are normal and everywhere, and we're both the same age, so no one even takes a second look.

[Tonto21]

Are you being sensitive? Maybe, maybe not.

I’m in the UK now for a month with my Thai GF. I’ve been here near 3 weeks now; have to say not so much as a sideways glance. This is the first time I’ve taken my GF here. I’m 54 and she is 40. Have to say I did expect to get some looks……But nothing.

[adweb00]

Umm time to get a little bit more spine and no disrespect intended but man up!!! Who cares what anyone else thinks as long as your happy my friend that's the main thing!!

[Ruperts]

forgive me for asking but... how old are u and how old is ur GF. and i take it that ur in the UK.

I'm 28 and she is 27. We're in a particularly white part of the UK.

We have been to other more multicultural cities and I felt noticably more comfortable, but maybe that's just because I care much less about what people think when I know i'm never going to see them again. We've been to Thailand together and that was great. Unfortunately due to career commitments we can't move elsewhere for a few years at least.

Thanks for all the replies so far. They're more or less what I expected and what I know to be correct - that I must just get over it, but it's difficult. Whenever I hear Thai or Thailand in a conversation the inevitable giggles and jokes that follows I die a little inside. I can't even let her nationality become common knowledge at work for fear of losing respect from colleagues. I feel dreadful for how it must feel for her to be isolated from the world of someone who is supposed to be looking out for her interests.

Edited February 26, 2012 by Ruperts

[NaMah]

Ruperts,

You must change your own outlook towards the situation.

First of all, you married the woman so I'll assume you love her. What could possibly overcome that?

A car analogy might be helpful. You live somewhere where everyone owns a Morris Minor. You have been so lucky in life as to acquire a quite exotic looking Ferrari. You can anticipate that people are going to go silent when you pull up to the petrol pumps and some may converse with one another in hushed tones. Bolder types will even approach with open admiration and ask ackward questions but make no mistake, they are admiring or even more than a bit jealous of the beautiful "possession" of yours. Such a thing of beauty is rare and unusual and may look a little out of place parked in front of your town pub or grocery store.

Jealousy is a very insidious thing but if you recognize it you can turn it into something positive. You need to explain that to your wife and treat her as the rare and exotic thing that she is. There is nothing to be embarassed about when needing to explain something to her in public. She is likely the most beautiful female creature in any landscape she is in and I guarantee that most men in those restaurants are having their blood pressure elevated when they see her and their wives and girlfriends are even more jealous than they are and are catching those guys stealing glances at your girl. Some of what your are hearing is those women expostulating with their husbands and some of those guys won't be getting any that night at home if you know what I mean.

You must become dismissive of others and focus on your wife. Her happiness is what matters. You've taken her to a foreign place and the onus is on you to work hard to keep her happy. Yes, that might mean finding a thai restaurant occasionally or helping her to make some compatible friends. It isn't out of the question for you to consider taking trips to Thailand with her or even living in Thailand if she is becoming unhappy. You married a woman, the most complex mechanism in the known universe with about a billiion moving parts and as your wife she is supposed to be the single most important "possession" in your life and you need to do everything in your power to make her happy. It is your reaction that she is picking up on and you need to get your head straight and your priorities sorted out or you had better consider moving back to the LOS with her.

I don't mean to be critical of you but you are being far too sensitive to the mutterings of strangers and you are taking a completely incorrect view of what is happening. You are a very very lucky man and you better start to understand that and behave accordingly.

Na Mah

Edited February 26, 2012 by NaMah

[sirineou]

What stigma? I am not aware that there is a stigma to having an Asian wife/gf. If you attract any attention, it is certainly not because there is any stigma to having a Thai partner.

I Have lived with my Thai wife in the US for several years, and have never noticed any undue attention.

I cant talk to the UK, but I assume, given the large number of immigrants in the UK that people would not be too surprised at a racial mixed couple. I think that you are either paranoid, or overly sensitive.

[madjbs]

I think it is actually all in your head. I am from a particularly white part of the UK and can't say I notice anyone staring or anything really when I am there. People have never paid any notice to us and when my girlfriend has had to interact with the locals they have always been friendly and polite.

[theblether]

I think you are being cruel to your GF.

I also think you are being gently treated by my esteemed colleagues here.

I don't think you mean to be cruel to your GF. So here is what I would do. I would take pride in her, I would show I was proud of her. I would take her everywhere, and let her talk like a budgie on speed.

If you don't look after this lady you will regret this act of emotional cowardice for the rest of your life.

I don't think you are an emotional coward.

Good luck.

[elliss]

i was often asked in the UK ,by local folk

about a friend of mine who brought his thai wife over to the UK ,to live

where did he meet her ?

is she prostitute ?

why is she with old man ?

while many men looked on in envy , their wifes would ignore them

in summary , whatever answer i gave them ,

was allien to their preset beliefs /opinions.

[necronx99]

I can't imagine you living in a large enough place that you can hide her existance from your workmates and still experience widespread xenophobia like this. Not in the 21st century anyway. She is Thai, not a martian.

You may overhear the odd joke from yobs, but I think 90% of this is in your head.

[kimamey]

I feel really sorry for you. You do seem to need some help or at least support to get over this fear. I've never had this problem but then I live in a city with a wide range of nationalities. In a lot of cases like this there is a wide age difference and a young Thai woman with a grey haired pot bellied old man will obviously raise some suspicions but this is clearly not the case with you. In my case my gf is 41 and I'm 57 although I do look younger as I'm only starting to go grey and I have all my hair which makes a difference.

I think you need to be careful when deciding why people are paying attention to your gf and yourself. When I'm in Thailand in my gf's village near Mahasarakham I stand out because of my skin colour and people stare sometimes particularly children but I am always welcomed. I understand that they are looking at me in interest as although there are a few whites in the city not many are seen outside. I stand out. I look different maybe even dare I say exotic and your gf may seem the same to those who don't often see non whites. Your gf's accent may have the same affect. I'm used to Thai women but if I see one at home in the UK I want to look as well as I do with many non white women. I just find them attractive in many cases and where I work I see many of them walking by.

If you are self concious and sitting in silence in a restaurant then it's possible people are sensing something is wrong and assume it's an argument or something similar. To stop this happening relax. Remember even if they do stare at you and think you're weird you won't die or suffer injury from it and they would be pretty strange themselves.

If you really want your gf then you have to deal with this for her sake. You're two young people in love and one of you has got one hell of a sexy suntan. I think I would struggle not to stare and if it were not for having a Thai gf myself I would probably be jealous as they may be.

Fight the fear and good luck.

[britmaveric]

You either deal with it like a man or dont have an Asian gf. Grow some <deleted> for Ch*st sakes!!!!!!

[pauljones]

I think those people looking at you are jealous.

The guys want to be you and the women wish they were her.

[endure]

I can't even let her nationality become common knowledge at work for fear of losing respect from colleagues.

Do you seriously value respect from people who are willing to denigrate your girlfriend because of where she was born? You need to go to the butchers and buy a spine.

[FiscalFizz]

I read your post OP and you come off as very Beta-Male. This is ok to a point. I think you just acheived the point in your life where your social anxiety is causing you major trouble. We are all different and the human brain is very powerful. Someone like myself, for instance, would love to be in your position. I don't mind attention and if people want to stare and talk, I would probably walk up to them and introduce myself. Maybe they are starring because they are interested or curious. Its not like all of them are sitting there whispering " Who is that bloke with the brown girl... OMG LOOK AT THEM, SHES ASIAN AND HE IS WHITE". How is this causing you any discomfort? Have people actually said shit to you or been rude about it to you?

When you were in Thailand, did Thai people stare and comment at you because you were White? I am wondering if your GF had to go through the same thing in Thailand with you being White????

Ultimatly, you come off as very beta-male about this, which is sad because you obviously like this girl. I think you are correct when you say that she is looking at you and wondering if you are embarassed by her. Any female would wonder this, not just some darker skinned Thai woman.

Also, I thought the UK was supposed to be so progressive and diverse? Where are you from that in 2012, interracial dating is still something people gawk at?!

I am from the Mid-West United States, very small town. I date a Mexican girl and people don't bother us. Although, my attention-whoring ass would love to be in your situation. I would show her off and make her feel like the center of attention, assuming that the attention cannot be avoided.

You ever think they are starring at you because they wish they could have an exotic, beautiful, dark skinned Asian woman?

Next time just whip your cock out, shake it around the restuarant at everyone and shout " I know its fuc_king huge people, but please, a little privacy"

or just continue to let other's opinions control your life.....because, that is not miserabe and every woman loves an over-anxious, unconfident man.....

[NanLaew]

What on earth is "a particularly white part of the UK"? Sounds like some BNP ghetto with shaved heads under the ubiquitous hoodie. Or is it one of those yawningly quaint little 'villages' on the outskirts of a more cosmopolitan urban conurbation? The sort of place that still has a library, garden fetes, a village doctor and local shops where everyone knows everyone?

The OP is honest enough to admit that that he suffering from a severe case of 'Little Britain' syndrome but surprised that as a young and I assume educated professional that he has allowed such thoughts to rent space in his head. But maybe he needs to address the roots of this phobia. Before he met his current wife, what was his opinion on mixed-race marriage and in particular the lovely Asian spouse? Is there some degree of bigotry and small mindedness in his own family that seemed acceptable before but with his own marriage is now a burgeoning point?

Think about what life would be like if you let your unwarranted and unnatural fears accede and she is no longer part of your life? What will you do then? Will you feel better and be able to easily integrate again? Or will you become spiteful towards workers, friends and family that you think have forced you to get rid of an unacceptable choice of spouse.

Maybe get a new mutual hobby that requires the two of you to do things together outside of the local restaurant or pub.

[FiscalFizz]

On a real, less brutal note- It sounds like your main problem isn't a Thai Girlfriend. It sounds as if you have social anxiety disorder. Smoke some cannabis or go to the legal drug dealer, a GP, and get some anxiety medication. It works wonders for some people ( both cannabis or the pills).

I seriously hope you get help- What next, you dump your Thai GF and find a nice, blonde hair, blue eyed White girl. But god forbid, she has this mole on her neck, and you think that everytime you introduce her, your friends are starring at her mole.

I don't see this being a Foreigner/Thai-White issue. Seems like you truly do have social anxiety.

You realize we only have a short 50-100 years alive on this planet of ours???!. You are going to sacrafice happiness because you can't deal.?

You need a friend like me. I wish I could come hang out with you and the Misses for a week or two. After seeing me act a fool and make a complete ass out of myself in public, I am sure your social anxiety would relax a bit ( business idea, start online "wingman" renting service, do it)

Best wingman ever. Seriously- The only thing better than a good wingman like myself, is a good wingwoman....... can't beat that.

If you can't just breathe and man up..... then at least be man enough to go to a doctor and get some pills or advice. Hell, at least you have that option in the UK with good healthcare.

Edited February 27, 2012 by FiscalFizz

[tonititan]

I think those people looking at you are jealous.

The guys want to be you and the women wish they were her.

Not necessarily. When people see a person with a disability or deformity, what do they do? They stare. When they see someone who is severely obese or anorexic in appearance, what do they do? They stare, and sometimes giggle. Or when they see someone giant-like? Or a midget. Or covered in tattoos/piercings. Or anything else that's different. They are not staring because they are jealous, but because they are intrigued/curious/disgusted. There's a chance that this is the case with the OP and his girlfriend as well. (And no, I am not saying that this guy's Thai gf is like a physical flaw, I'm saying that the "they're just doing that because they're jealous" line that our moms told us when we were kids often doesn't apply, even though we like to tell ourselves that.)

But to the OP, your girlfriend is right, it does sound like you're acting like you're embarrassed of her. That's not fair to her. If you want to date this girl, go for it, but part of accepting her is being proud to be seen with her. If you want someone who already fits into your social situations and who you don't have to teach English to, then there's plenty of other women. Every potential partner has pros & cons. It's up to you to decide what is most important in a relationship, but please don't make your girlfriend's life miserable along the way.

[FiscalFizz]

Ruperts,

You must change your own outlook towards the situation.

First of all, you married the woman so I'll assume you love her. What could possibly overcome that?

A car analogy might be helpful. You live somewhere where everyone owns a Morris Minor. You have been so lucky in life as to acquire a quite exotic looking Ferrari. You can anticipate that people are going to go silent when you pull up to the petrol pumps and some may converse with one another in hushed tones. Bolder types will even approach with open admiration and ask ackward questions but make no mistake, they are admiring or even more than a bit jealous of the beautiful "possession" of yours. Such a thing of beauty is rare and unusual and may look a little out of place parked in front of your town pub or grocery store.

Jealousy is a very insidious thing but if you recognize it you can turn it into something positive. You need to explain that to your wife and treat her as the rare and exotic thing that she is. There is nothing to be embarassed about when needing to explain something to her in public. She is likely the most beautiful female creature in any landscape she is in and I guarantee that most men in those restaurants are having their blood pressure elevated when they see her and their wives and girlfriends are even more jealous than they are and are catching those guys stealing glances at your girl. Some of what your are hearing is those women expostulating with their husbands and some of those guys won't be getting any that night at home if you know what I mean.

You must become dismissive of others and focus on your wife. Her happiness is what matters. You've taken her to a foreign place and the onus is on you to work hard to keep her happy. Yes, that might mean finding a thai restaurant occasionally or helping her to make some compatible friends. It isn't out of the question for you to consider taking trips to Thailand with her or even living in Thailand if she is becoming unhappy. You married a woman, the most complex mechanism in the known universe with about a billiion moving parts and as your wife she is supposed to be the single most important "possession" in your life and you need to do everything in your power to make her happy. It is your reaction that she is picking up on and you need to get your head straight and your priorities sorted out or you had better consider moving back to the LOS with her.

I don't mean to be critical of you but you are being far too sensitive to the mutterings of strangers and you are taking a completely incorrect view of what is happening. You are a very very lucky man and you better start to understand that and behave accordingly.

Na Mah

You sir, deserve a nice cold beer. You are not only an officer, but a Gentleman as well. I bid you good day, Sir. Spot on.

[Petesear]

It has got nothing to do with your girl being Asian and everything to do with her being Thai.

You are embarrassed that the(present) love of your life comes from a country which many people perceive to be the World's brothel. Right?

I suggest you put these people right. Tell them where you met her, unless it was in a brothel, explain to these people who have never travelled to such a wild country what Thailand is really like, but above all be proud of your girl before you lose her to someone who would be.

[MrMuddle]

The only people who would think that someone having a Thai girlfriend is a stigma, are racist boneheads who don't deserve a moment of any decent individuals time.

When you go out with her, do your absolute best to treat her as well as possible, and ensure that whatever YOU THINK others may be thinking, that it doesn't matter, you are proud of her, and don't care what they may be thinking. If you don't then you are going to lose her for sure.

Have you ever thought of making small talk with others in restaurants, or when you're out shopping, it's usually helpful to break the ice yourself, then maybe your girlfriend won't feel so alienated, and you'll get to know others. I'm sure once you do this, the perceived problems will disappear.

I'm sure a lot of this is in your head, we lived in a seaside town in Lincolnshire for 5 years, which according to a map I saw recently, has the least number of immigrants in England, and we never experienced any problems, the reverse in fact, our neighbours were extremely friendly to my wife, and made us both very welcome. We still get letters and birthday / christmas cards (to both of us), from them.

I think the problem is you, and your perception that everyone thinks that ALL Thai women are prostitutes - you know it's not true, I know it's not true, and indeed anyone with a brain knows it's nonsense. You need to put this out of your mind, once and for all.