Dealing With The Stigma Of Having A Thai Gf In Homeland?

[madolf]

I feel sorry for u....

because it is your own thinking , that makes you feel uncomfortable. I am married to my wonderful Thai wife since four years and i know her for about

ten years. She is the most wonderful person I have ever met and I am proud of her.I never felt that way you do, because I treat her as a normal

human beeing. I never had troubles in my family back home in an uppcountry village in Austria nor did i have it here in London.

If you cant get along with your own thinking, you should search for professional help.

g

Edited March 4, 2012 by madolf

[Johnniey]

Any words of wisdom? Is this normal? Do I need professional help?

I think you need professional help. It sounds like you have a mental disorder. It's not right or normal to be so concerned at what other people think. Maybe codepedency, paranoia, social phobia etc.

I'd recommend CBT which will change your thinking.

Edited March 4, 2012 by Johnniey

[jayceenik]

Get over it. They are just curious and you two are interesting to them. Its their loss if someone of them can't admire and appreciate the diversity and richness of other cultures. Most do understand or are just trying to learn.

I'd say they're mostly curious.

[chivo]

If u worry so much what people think of you, you become their prisoner.

"it doesn't mean that much to me, to mean that much to you." -Neil young

Unless your GF is super loud speaking caveman English, or wearing high heels whilst also wearing mickey mouse socks, I'm sure they are only looking out of boredom and curiously. Miserable people with pedestrian lives need something to wake them out of their monotony.

I think you have an insecurity. You lack confidence. If you can't get over it, maybe you should move to a bigger city where more mixed couples exist.

You also seem embarrassed that she is thai. I am very proud my wife is Thai.

If my colleagues subscribed to some stereotype of Thais I'd turn it around on them and school them on the good side of Thailand. Then make fun of their fat ugly controlling white wives ;-)

Maybe the problem is not how other ppl see your wife, but how you see your wife?

[bbradsby]

YOur experiences sound like at least partially real, and not to be dismissed, even tho paranoia can take over and amplify your results. I experienced others' similar behavior in redneck parts of the US when visiting relatives - open staring with hostile expressions, active hostility when social interaction was begun, and even at home in a diversity-friendly San Francisco Bay Area aquaintences [not real friends] acting dismissive as soon as they hear her speak even tho she is a degreed medical professional... rednecks are everywhere and not all wear cowboy hats & boots.

Dealing with social alienation is hard, but other posters are right about one thing: you MUST restack your priorities. Why on earth would you give a rat's patoot about the thoughts of those thoughtless people who arent even an important part of your friends/family/professional life? Second, you may need to move to a more worldly, diversity-friendly place so you two can be happy.

[monty1412]

I think you are being cruel to your GF.

I also think you are being gently treated by my esteemed colleagues here.

I don't think you mean to be cruel to your GF. So here is what I would do. I would take pride in her, I would show I was proud of her. I would take her everywhere, and let her talk like a budgie on speed.

If you don't look after this lady you will regret this act of emotional cowardice for the rest of your life.

I don't think you are an emotional coward.

Good luck.

probably the most spot on post Ive ever read on TV. Lad get real. Make a decision toady to go out and relish in the attention and let her feel like a queen.. she will respect you more for it and you will look in the mirror and know you have done this right thing.

Just set aside any concerns, park them outside before you go into a restaurant and pick them back up when you exit, after a period of time you will forget to metaphorically pick them up and you will be 100% over it.

Let it be water on a ducks back.

Cmon your concerned about it enough to write here so just do it and get over it and leave the babbling tongues to pickle in their own sauce. You had enough guts to post here you have enough guts to make this right and do the right thing.

Half of them are jealous anyway ....

[TallGuyJohninBKK]

I think the OP really needs to get some help...and get over it...

People always look at or pay attention to people who are different than the norm, anywhere... everywhere... That's a normal way for people to respond... It's the OP who's not responding normally.

When my Thai wife and I go out in BKK, we get stared at too... Because I'm REALLY tall for Thai people, and she's quite attractive... So I'm never sure which reason people stare at us... but they always do... And I don't mind it...and I don't feel insecure about us being out together or looking different from everyone else.

And even if the OP's wife needs help with her English speaking skills sometimes... so what??? I need a LOT of help with my Thai speaking skills... My wife sometimes helps me with that... And if I go out and speak poorly in Thai, I hope Thai people don't look down on me too much...and infact, just the opposite, give me some credit for at least attempting to learn a foreign language.

If the OP's wife is a good woman who does her part in the marriage, who cares or should care what other people think? If she's a good wife for you, get on with business, and get over your own personal insecurities... And if need be, get some professional help in doing so.

[boggle]

Grow some balls princess. Really, serious advice. jing jing

[samjaidee]

So you go to all the length of a marriage and an immigration so that you can... nope, never mind.

]

Yet another poster who didn't read the first post. It's his girlfriend NOT wife.

[Thongkorn]

Quite frankly Ruperts, I dont give a rats arse, We are happy the family are happy , there problem not ours.

[a10ams]

I think those people looking at you are jealous.

The guys want to be you and the women wish they were her.

Nail

Hammer

Head

When I first took my wife back to the UK for a holiday, my mates down the pub (as a group) gave me a bit of a ribbing.

Talking to them all individually was a different story. To a man, each of them said they'd love to be in my shoes.

[foxboy]

Mate the 'problem' of which you talk about lies with you my friend. It is YOUR reaction to the sideways glances and comments that is giving you anxiety. Buddhists preach - if you spit saliva into the sky it will land in your own face - because the sky doesn't accept it. If you ignore the comments and funny looks from people, they can't affect you. It is those people with their own prejudices and misconceptions that have the 'problem', not you.. unless of course YOU allow it to be your problem.

[maxme]

What stigma? I am not aware that there is a stigma to having an Asian wife/gf. If you attract any attention, it is certainly not because there is any stigma to having a Thai partner.

I Have lived with my Thai wife in the US for several years, and have never noticed any undue attention.

I cant talk to the UK, but I assume, given the large number of immigrants in the UK that people would not be too surprised at a racial mixed couple. I think that you are either paranoid, or overly sensitive.

I´m pretty sure that you are not aware of this but Europe ain´t like the US. Other western people tend to mock the US but one thing is for sure, even though the States have its racial issues among the citizens it´s ALOT more openminded than most European countries... for a fact. I would imagine that it´s mostly European women and not men that are doing this. Since most of the ethnic groups that come to the European countries are from developing countries, the uneducated European women´s imagination spur. Most of the time is uneducated guesses and the fact is that they have no idea what they are talking about says alot about us westerners as well.

There isn´t an easy answer to this question but there are ways to deal with it. It´s just up to the type of man you are.

On few occations when I´ve seen this being done to my Thai friends , I just go to their table and ask them if there is something I can help them with. Most of the time they pretend they didnt see me and look down in their menus and then I´ve proven not only are they racists but cowards. Pretty much come hand in hand most of the time. There are a few countries in Europe that are exceptional in this but I wont mention them since last time the moderator was pretty much offended. Perhaps he came from one of those countries, who knows but the whole point is... there are ways to deal with it and its better you do something about it or you just choose western gals next time if can´t cope with the price for marrying a Thai girl.

I´m not trying to say that you are weak or pathetic but this is the way it is now, so either you deal with it or let it go.

Edited March 4, 2012 by maxme

[belg]

nothing special... in thailand... all thais think they are so much smarter and wiser than any falang anyway... 2nd class citizen is what we are here day in day out, but who really gives a crap

[rotary]

They are staring because they are jealous, live your life and forget about the folks staring or better yet stare back. Myself I stare lots when I see these blokes in the west with the blue haired old ladies that are 15 stone and talking too much

[JimmyTheMook]

Edited March 4, 2012 by JimmyTheMook

[eek]

From a female perspective, woman want a man to be proud of her walking by his side. From this treatment of her she could become very depressed, or, could end up resenting you and losing all respect for you because of your insecurities. What man would accept a woman treating him the same way? If you dont sort this out, she may even end up in the arms of someone that does make her feel like she is worth being around in public with. If you do decide to leave her over something so utterly superficial and imbecilic, i hope she does find a man who isnt so consumed by other peoples impressions. Sorry to be so harsh, but really, you need to sort this out.. maybe you have underlying issues..therapy is not something to be sneered at if it helps you to improve yourself.

I think those people looking at you are jealous.

The guys want to be you and the women wish they were her.

I doubt that the people who are looking are thinking that. You might be a really bright person paul, but I really do think that was quite a ridiculous thing to say.

[TallGuyJohninBKK]

Eek, I think he meant, other guys often will be envious when they see another guy with an attractive woman on his arm.... Not so much a comment about the guy himself. But more about other guys considering him a lucky/fortunate fellow.

[eek]

Ah, another whitey-misogynist . . .

I wonder why so many here are having a go at the OP's fellow village-people ( ) and calling them jealous, racists, throwing in the odd bizarre snipe at western women etc...

All the OP said was that, being the one of the only mixed race couples in town, people stare at them at times.

There was no mention of leering guys wanting to jump the wife, deflated women bringing out their claws because there is this exotic beauty (well, aren't we led to believe all Thais must be more beautiful than any western woman) now going for their husbands, people ready to don their white hats and kiss the KKK badge before burning this foreigner in their midst.

Chill, people . . . the OP feels uncomfortable being with someone from another ethnicity. No more, no less. The problem is his, not his fellow who are - quite understandably curious about this different-looking newcomer . . . who isn't a blood relative of her husband.

Perfectly put!

When my ex and I (Thai) were out and about, we had stares, different kinds of stares, but mostly surprised stares. My ex never batted an eyelid, and we were so engrossed in our own lives to be concerned about what people thought of us. The only time i felt it was when camping and people were talking openly about us in Thai. I wanted a holiday with my bf, not feel like i was a monkey at the zoo. When i said to him that i was upset about it, he told me that its my choice if i let it bother me..so we went about the camping grounds as normal and people just naturally stopped being so curious.

As an aside, my partner now is farang and quite often we are asked to be in photos because we are considered a cute/attractive couple.

Anything anywhere that may be different from the norm is going to be of interest. Sometimes negative. Up to us if we let it disrupt our lives or not.

[eek]

Eek, I think he meant, other guys often will be envious when they see another guy with an attractive woman on his arm.... Not so much a comment about the guy himself. But more about other guys considering him a lucky/fortunate fellow.

Yes, but this is all over the world..and same goes for women, we arent blind to a good looking man. I think its quite a presumption to assume that all the guys looking are attracted to his gf, and that those guys gfs/wives are not more attractive. There are a lot of attractive women in this world, and not limited to one nationality

[StreetCowboy]

Eek, I think he meant, other guys often will be envious when they see another guy with an attractive woman on his arm.... Not so much a comment about the guy himself. But more about other guys considering him a lucky/fortunate fellow.

Yes, but this is all over the world..and same goes for women, we arent blind to a good looking man. I think its quite a presumption to assume that all the guys looking are attracted to his gf, and that those guys gfs/wives are not more attractive. There are a lot of attractive women in this world, and not limited to one nationality

Any words of wisdom? Is this normal? Do I need professional help?

I think you need professional help. It sounds like you have a mental disorder. It's not right or normal to be so concerned at what other people think. Maybe codepedency, paranoia, social phobia etc.

I'd recommend CBT which will change your thinking.

Or ECT.

We're all arcmchair psychiatrists here.

SC

[StreetCowboy]

Learn to speak Thai... if people overhear you speaking to her in Thai, they will know your commitment to her, and won't know what you are talking about... two birds, one stone...

I probably know about 10 short sayings in Thai. I repeat them over and over in front of others and they think I'm a bloody marvel and it is obvious we can have nice conversations so all is good.

The gf thinks I'm a <deleted> though.

But yes it seems to work.

I'd hesitate to use my limited Thai at the dinner table

SC

It would depend on the location of the dinner table.......

"at" rather than "on"

[eek]

My elective was in Psychology, does that count Nah....nvm..happy to be an armchair Psychobabbler. However, in this case would be armchair psychologist, rather than psychiatrist, no? But ..im off topic...and i also have a touch of insomnia..maybe its a deeper issue.

[StreetCowboy]

My elective was in Psychology, does that count Nah....nvm..happy to be an armchair Psychobabbler. However, in this case would be armchair psychologist, rather than psychiatrist, no? But ..im off topic...and i also have a touch of insomnia..maybe its a deeper issue.

Nothing ECT won't solve; or at least mask.

SC

[TallGuyJohninBKK]

Yes, but this is all over the world..and same goes for women, we arent blind to a good looking man. I think its quite a presumption to assume that all the guys looking are attracted to his gf, and that those guys gfs/wives are not more attractive. There are a lot of attractive women in this world, and not limited to one nationality

I didn't really say all the other guys would be "attracted" to the OPs girlfriend. I just said they might notice her.

And certainly, attractiveness isn't limited to only certain nationalities... But in a farang country, there's often the "exoticness" perception of Thai women, or Asians in general. Especially in areas that don't already have a lot of Asians, they do tend to attract notice for looking "different."

Or to use a simple analogy, in a fruit basket with 20 red apples and one yellow banana, what's going to stand out and catch your eye?

As you noted above:

Anything anywhere that may be different from the norm is going to be of interest.

Edited March 5, 2012 by TallGuyJohninBKK

[eek]

Yes, true, but the person looking at the banana might not think it is attractive, merely different.

lol ok, will return to being a reader, which i find is a more sensible option on Thaivisa's forum 90% of the time anyway.

Well, good luck OP. Hope you work out what you will do fairly soon.

(Edit: TallguyJohninBkk, sorry, i realise thats what you meant also, just reiterating. People are placing their own thoughts on others when they look at them. )

Edited March 5, 2012 by eek

[w11guy]

From what you say you, it's you that seems ashamed of her and it's you making the negative judgments, not others. If there are any other people passing judgment then just ignore them, as such small-minded people are not worth bothering with. It's impossible to please everyone, so just live your own life. Sounds like you may need some professional help to get over this, as it seems you have some real issues you need to get over. Either get over it or let you gf find someone who will treat her properly. If your gf is as wonderful as you say she is, then why are you letting other people, who you don't even know, split you up.

As other have said, <deleted> man up.

[mikecwm]

"What other people think about me is none of my business".

Why would you care what others think?

Are they your friends?

If your friends are judging you or your girlfriend then you need new friends.

Stand up and be proud of the woman you have chosen.

Don't let others run your life.

[ravip]

If the same happened in Thailand - I guess there would have been on hell of a lot of 'bashings', isn't it?

What you sow, so you reap!

I am LMFAO!!!

[maiphedmaiaroi]

Its because people in the west think you have married a hooker, bought her or she is only with you for money.

This is how most western people think about thai women.

Im not saying its right but its the way it is.

You should be ok though as your both the same age and still fairly young.

Edited March 5, 2012 by maiphedmaiaroi