How would you feel if they fk around too? 

If she feels happy with that, I will feel happy for her. There is nothing in the world she could do that is if it makes her happy that is going to upset me. Even if it means her sticking a knife into my heart.

Does that mean I am wierd or crazy?

I am quite surprised that people here seem to be saying and agreeing that the west is more conservative in terms of sex.

Growing up here in HK, it is perceived by people here(me included) that the west is more open and casual with this matter.

I really don't know.

What I am wondering is do women  really have such a low opinion of men, that we have absolutely no control over our actions????

I think the opposite. Women in fact have too high an opinion of men. Reality often differs. But I am talking about the east. Doubt it is a lot different from the west though?

the fact is, to most women it is the lying more than the actual fact that the man had sex with someone else that hurts.  it destroys all the trust in the relationship.  i would much rather have someone tell me straight up that they met someone else, whether it was a brief encounter or not, and let me be angry for a day or so but then get over it with my trust still intact, rather than find out they had lied to me all along.  that sort of relationship has virtually no chance of lasting long term, at least for me. 

Are you being serious? Are you saying as long as he tells you everything he did, you will be fine? And he is not going to risk losing you (and hurting you)? If that is the case, I'm sure most men are going to tell the truth so as not to hurt anyone.

the fact is, to most women it is the lying more than the actual fact that the man had sex with someone else that hurts.  it destroys all the trust in the relationship.  i would much rather have someone tell me straight up that they met someone else, whether it was a brief encounter or not, and let me be angry for a day or so but then get over it with my trust still intact, rather than find out they had lied to me all along.  that sort of relationship has virtually no chance of lasting long term, at least for me. 

Are you being serious? Are you saying as long as he tells you everything he did, you will be fine? And he is not going to risk losing you (and hurting you)? If that is the case, I'm sure most men are going to tell the truth so as not to hurt anyone.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hello meemiathai!

Look for me is like this...

I have always said to my boyfriends that they can sleep with someone else as long as I never find out. If I find out the relation is finished. Why is finished? well is not because I am angry or I want revenge or anything like that... simply something just die within me...maybe trust...not sure...

I prefer not to know...

For me...well I can´t be with someone else when I am in a relationship...but I have accepted that some people can have sex with no feelings involved and that they still love their wife/gf a lot even though sleep around with other girls...that´s why I don´t want to know ever...if the feelings have not change...

However Ideally I would like to find someone who will be so honest as to know what is going on with his feelings...Sometimes you may find yourself in love with someone else...maybe your relationship have not been great in the last months...and you just fall in love...if you talk to your partner you can resolve the situation as a couple...maybe your partner needs to experience this new romance...if that´s the case I will be willing to accepted and understand him...

I´ll rather be the lover who sneak into your room at night than the lonely wife that waits at home...

Are you being serious? Are you saying as long as he tells you everything he did, you will be fine? And he is not going to risk losing you (and hurting you)? If that is the case, I'm sure most men are going to tell the truth so as not to hurt anyone.

totally serious... i wouldn't want to know all the details but as glauka sort of said, sometimes one person can not be everything you want, and if another person comes along and fills some of those holes for your man, it isn't necessarily something that has to kill the relationship you have with him (and vice versa).... whereas lying will kill it (in my experience 100% of the time). women are not stupid, we have strong instincts and usually find out the man is cheating anyway (whether or not we stay in denial after that is another story). if you lie, trust is broken, end of story. if you tell the truth, not saying we won't get angry or hurt, but in the long run the relationship is better off.

Hello Glauka,

I have always said to my boyfriends that they can sleep with someone else as long as I never find out. If I find out the relation is finished.

You don't have to tell them. Most men know it already.

well is not because I am angry or I want revenge or anything like that...

That shows your wisdom and maturity.

simply something just die within me...maybe trust...not sure...

For me...well I can´t be with someone else when I am in a relationship..

Absolutely reasonable and understandable.

However Ideally I would like to find someone who will be so honest as to know what is going on with his feelings...

Yes it is important to know what a person has in his/her mind to be with this person. Good-heartedness is what I look for in a person for a wife.

I agree with a lot of your posts and like the way you think. And think that you are a very cute person. I sincerely wish that you find(perhaps you have already) a man who is handsome, caring, romantic, unselfish, rich ......etc to love.

I´ll rather be the lover who sneak into your room at night than the lonely wife that waits at home...

Of course! But the problem is this lover sooner or later will become the lonely wife that waits at home...

women are not stupid, we have strong instincts and usually find out the man is cheating anyway

Oh yes? I know a lot of stupid men who disagrees.

and if another person comes along and fills some of those holes for your man, it isn't necessarily something that has to kill the relationship you have with him

So you are talking about the occasional mistake made by men. What if we are talking about men who can't help but has to have sex with different women every now and then? Can you accept it if he's being honest?

if you lie, trust is broken, end of story

Do you really not understand why they lie?(no offense, pure discussion)

Hello Glauka,

I have always said to my boyfriends that they can sleep with someone else as long as I never find out. If I find out the relation is finished.

You don't have to tell them. Most men know it already.

well is not because I am angry or I want revenge or anything like that...

That shows your wisdom and maturity.

simply something just die within me...maybe trust...not sure...

For me...well I can´t be with someone else when I am in a relationship..

Absolutely reasonable and understandable.

However Ideally I would like to find someone who will be so honest as to know what is going on with his feelings...

Yes it is important to know what a person has in his/her mind to be with this person. Good-heartedness is what I look for in a person for a wife.

I agree with a lot of your posts and like the way you think. And think that you are a very cute person. I sincerely wish that you find(perhaps you have already) a man who is handsome, caring, romantic, unselfish, rich ......etc to love.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thank you Meemiathai... I like you too I think you are a very respectful poster...

I hope I can find the men you describe above...

Why? Whyyyy is so difficult?!!!!

I´ll rather be the lover who sneak into your room at night than the lonely wife that waits at home...

Of course! But the problem is this lover sooner or later will become the lonely wife that waits at home...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

what I meant here is that if your partner tells you that he thinks he is in love with someone else I will not try to convince him to stay with me...i will let him go...

because...I´ll rather be the lover who sneak into your room at night than the lonely wife that waits at home...

Do you understand?

Edited December 20, 200520 yr by Glauka

  Do you understand[/b]?[/color]

he he. Maybe I do maybe I don't. Not sure.

Hello Glauka,

I have always said to my boyfriends that they can sleep with someone else as long as I never find out. If I find out the relation is finished.

You don't have to tell them. Most men know it already.

well is not because I am angry or I want revenge or anything like that...

That shows your wisdom and maturity.

simply something just die within me...maybe trust...not sure...

For me...well I can´t be with someone else when I am in a relationship..

Absolutely reasonable and understandable.

However Ideally I would like to find someone who will be so honest as to know what is going on with his feelings...

Yes it is important to know what a person has in his/her mind to be with this person. Good-heartedness is what I look for in a person for a wife.

I agree with a lot of your posts and like the way you think. And think that you are a very cute person. I sincerely wish that you find(perhaps you have already) a man who is handsome, caring, romantic, unselfish, rich ......etc to love.

I´ll rather be the lover who sneak into your room at night than the lonely wife that waits at home...

Of course! But the problem is this lover sooner or later will become the lonely wife that waits at home...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

meemaithai what do I have to do to have the quotes as tidy as yours? I don´t know how to do it...so my post are very messy and confusing

I agree with a lot of your posts and like the way you think. And think that you are a very cute person.  I sincerely wish that you find(perhaps you have already) a man who is handsome, caring, romantic, unselfish, rich ......etc to love.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I know I am always talking about my prince charming but I am not desesperate to find him or anything...I know what I want now...so I just hope we can meet someday...

  Do you understand[/b]?[/color]

he he. Maybe I do maybe I don't. Not sure.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I don´t know how to explain it...

do you speak spanish?

How would you feel if they fk around too? 

If she feels happy with that, I will feel happy for her. There is nothing in the world she could do that is if it makes her happy that is going to upset me. Even if it means her sticking a knife into my heart.

Does that mean I am wierd or crazy?

No, but it does make you VERY unusual. In my experience, for all their complaining about women's "oversensitivity"on matters of fidelity, men are even less able to tolerate their wife having an affair than wives are. Much less.

Ironically some of the most egregious philanderers are the most conservative when it comes to what they assume and expect from their spouse.

But maybe you don't want to move on, and do in fact have the utmost respect and depth of feeling for your partner. If you are honest about your desire to fk around it would appear, from some of the reponses on this thread, that maybe that is more acceptable. I guess that makes sense.

Yes, but don't expect that upon being honest you'll get a carte blanche to carry on. Most women will express their hurt and also want to probe why you are seriously cnsidering such a thing....and guess what? There may very well turn out to be reasons more profound than you realized.

this is assuming you're talking about a serious urge/intent. If it's just feeling attracted but not planning to act on it -- - that's universal and women feel it to.

Personally I find that whenever I have a libidinous urge that is unwise for whatever r3eason, the best way to squelch it is to go ahead and fantasize the whole thing out...not stopping at or lingering on the sex but continuing to all the messy, unpleasant repurcussions, in full gory detail.

I agree with a lot of your posts and like the way you think. And think that you are a very cute person.  I sincerely wish that you find(perhaps you have already) a man who is handsome, caring, romantic, unselfish, rich ......etc to love.

I know I am always talking about my prince charming but I am not desesperate to find him or anything...I know what I want now...so I just hope we can meet someday...

Don't think wrong. I am not at all thinking that you are in a hurry or what.

Just hoping that when this person comes for you, he is the ideal one.

  Do you understand[/b]?[/color]

he he. Maybe I do maybe I don't. Not sure.

I don´t know how to explain it...

do you speak spanish?

Sorry I don't speak Spanish. But I can understand your English no problem.

I agree with a lot of your posts and like the way you think. And think that you are a very cute person.  I sincerely wish that you find(perhaps you have already) a man who is handsome, caring, romantic, unselfish, rich ......etc to love.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I know I am always talking about my prince charming but I am not desesperate to find him or anything...I know what I want now...so I just hope we can meet someday...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Don't think wrong. I am not at all thinking that you are in a hurry or what.

Just hoping that when this person comes for you, he is the ideal one.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I know what you meant I just post the above message so that... poor princes charming don´t waste their time trying to win my heart over...

I AM NOT DESESPERATE YET SO ONLY RICH PRINCES CHARMING!!!!

just kidding...middle class is also welcome!

meemaithai what do I have to do to have the quotes as tidy as yours? I don´t know how to do it...so my post are very messy and confusing

Whenever you want anything inside a box, you must make sure you put it that way:

press QUOTE button, insert contents, then press QUOTE button again.

If you want to understand better, you can just press the REPLY button to any of the post you think is neat and see how they do it.

If you want to fk around then be single, if you don't stay true/committed. Not a hard concept.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

My hats off to you BM for your capability to be loyal.

But please consider yourself lucky for having the ability to control yourself or perhaps you really are not as easily attracted to women.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The ability to control ourselves is what makes us human, well some of us that is!

But maybe you don't want to move on, and do in fact have the utmost respect and depth of feeling for your partner. If you are honest about your desire to fk around it would appear, from some of the reponses on this thread, that maybe that is more acceptable. I guess that makes sense.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yes, but don't expect that upon being honest you'll get a carte blanche to carry on. Most women will express their hurt and also want to probe why you are seriously cnsidering such a thing....and guess what? There may very well turn out to be reasons more profound than you realized.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

In that case maybe it is best to not exactly lie about it, but rather just not inform her of what you are doing, then you won't hurt the lady.

I would be interested to hear some of the 'profound' reasons though, if anyone can oblige?

Edited December 20, 200520 yr by Scaramanga

In my experience, for all their complaining about women's "oversensitivity"on matters of fidelity, men are even less able to tolerate their wife having an affair than wives are. Much less.

Ironically some of the most egregious philanderers are the most conservative when it comes to what they assume and expect from their spouse.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It's not as hypocritical, and more understandable than it first appears.

One of the main drives behind the desire to find a partner, in the majority of cases, is the urge to reproduce. Women are always guaranteed that the child they produce is their own, their biological function is fulfilled, their genetic material passed on.

However, a man always has to take the woman's word for it that the child is his (ignoring the modern day capablity for DNA testing, which if insisted upon would kill any trust present in the relationship).

If the lady is sleeping with all and sundry, then the man runs the very real risk of failing to pass his genetic information on, from a biological point of view this is a catastrophe for him. His need to be able to trust his partner is significantly greater or else he may unwittingly end up in a situation where he raises another mans child. This situation is not uncommon.

Growing up here in HK, it is perceived by people here(me included) that the west is more open and casual with this matter.

It depends on where you grow up in the West, Religion and a number of other factors. Also, when you are not married having many partners, one at a time for most, is acceptable. After you get married, it's different.

The West is certainly more critical of someone who spends time visiting prostitutes.

If the lady is sleeping with all and sundry, then the man runs the very real risk of failing to pass his genetic information on, from a biological point of view this is a catastrophe for him. His need to be able to trust his partner is significantly greater or else he may unwittingly end up in a situation where he raises another mans child. This situation is not uncommon.

I think this holds a lot of weight. My guess is that if you ask a man, " why is it you feel it's okay for you to fool around, but the idea of your wife fooling around incites you?" Often the reply would be, "I don't'know, it just does."

There are also plenty of men who see their wives as the mother figure. She is to be pure to some degree. The idea of acting out a sexual fantasy with her would somehow degrade her and the like.

I myself have never been married and have told many of my boyfriends that I, like many women have already stated only feel right being with one man at a time.

I have cheated on two boyfriends. Both times it was with ex-boyfriends that I got back together with right after.

With some men, I have been perfectly fine with them seeing and sleeping with other women. However, if I ever find a man that I decide to marry and he has an affair I'm sure I will be crushed. If married and he approaches me before he goes through with an affair, at least we would have time to talk about what it is that he sees in this person and if this is something that is going to threaten our realationship. I would have a chance to prepare myself for my for the next move.

Precisely, Sheryl. I think most women prefer the honesty of "There is something wrong with this relationship therefor I feel the need to &lt;deleted&gt; around" than the risk of STD's and the heartbreak of deceit.

Most women feel that a serious relationship is a monogamous one. If a man can't get his head round that and why the woman would perceive that the relationship is seriously flawed when a man needs multiple partners than it is probably best if that man does not commit to a serious relationship because, clearly, he isn't ready for one.

And just as an FYI, there are species of monkeys where the male is just as nurturing of all children, even when he can't be sure they are his own. So, perhaps your idea that men need women to be monogamous to ensure the genes are carried on is a flawed one, if you are basing it on any kind of precedent in the wild, that is.

In my experience, for all their complaining about women's "oversensitivity"on matters of fidelity, men are even less able to tolerate their wife having an affair than wives are. Much less.

Ironically some of the most egregious philanderers are the most conservative when it comes to what they assume and expect from their spouse.

It's not as hypocritical, and more understandable than it first appears.

One of the main drives behind the desire to find a partner, in the majority of cases, is the urge to reproduce. Women are always guaranteed that the child they produce is their own, their biological function is fulfilled, their genetic material passed on.

However, a man always has to take the woman's word for it that the child is his (ignoring the modern day capablity for DNA testing, which if insisted upon would kill any trust present in the relationship).

If the lady is sleeping with all and sundry, then the man runs the very real risk of failing to pass his genetic information on, from a biological point of view this is a catastrophe for him. His need to be able to trust his partner is significantly greater or else he may unwittingly end up in a situation where he raises another mans child. This situation is not uncommon.

Sorry, not convinced this is a major factor. I think bottom line is, it hurts to be cheated on, and there is still among many men (not all, of course) a sense of double standard which really just boils down to selfishness and immaturity... caring more about one's one feelings than that of the spouse/partner.

Sorry, not convinced this is a major factor. I think bottom line is, it hurts to be cheated on, and there is still among many men (not all, of course) a sense of double standard which really just boils down to selfishness and immaturity... caring more about one's one feelings than that of the spouse/partner.

Expect to be flamed for that insightful comment!

But maybe you don't want to move on, and do in fact have the utmost respect and depth of feeling for your partner. If you are honest about your desire to fk around it would appear, from some of the reponses on this thread, that maybe that is more acceptable. I guess that makes sense.

Yes, but don't expect that upon being honest you'll get a carte blanche to carry on. Most women will express their hurt and also want to probe why you are seriously cnsidering such a thing....and guess what? There may very well turn out to be reasons more profound than you realized.

In that case maybe it is best to not exactly lie about it, but rather just not inform her of what you are doing, then you won't hurt the lady.

I would be interested to hear some of the 'profound' reasons though, if anyone can oblige?

If you have an officially exclusive relationship and are sleeping with others and "just don't inform her exactly"= lying about it.

As to the reasons, there are many since there are many individual differences among people. Some of the common ones:

1. Desire (often subconscious or unconscious) to get out of the marriage/relationships, for any of a number of reasons.

2. Sexual hang-ups on part of the cheater which prevent maximal sexual satisfaction with the spouse/partner: "madonna/whore complex", mother fixation, ashamed to tell him/her some of your desires/fantasies....

3. Sexual hang-ups/inhibitions/decreased interest in sex on part of the partner (in case of women, if this was not so from the beginning, it is highly likel that it is symptomatic of an underlying unhappiness with the relationship. A lot of men fail to pick up on this clue.)

4. Insecurity about one's sexual prowess/attractiveness. May be a reaction to ageing, erection problems, recent illness etc.

5. Insecurity about anything else...some people derive an ego boost from getting someone to sleep with them. Obviously spouse doesn't count since they are supposed to sleep with you...so they don't provide that ego boost. I find that in Thailand, some men (the more delusional types..but there's lots of them) even derive this ego boost from sleeping with prostitutes or other women who are clearly only doing it for material gain...mainly because the Thai prostitutes tend top flatter either ,more, or more convincingly, than those in the west.

6. Unexpressed (perhaps not even conscious) anger at the spouse/partner so that there is an unconscious wish to "get back"at them or hurt them Almost infinite number of reasons this might be true.

7. Sheer selfishness and immaturity (not thinking about the effect your actions will have on your spouse/partner, not applying the "golden rule")

Etc etc etc ... in all of this and any other case, cheating may provide a temporary release but does not address the root problem (and of course will cause a whole lot more). So the unpleasant frank talking it out is not only more honest it may well save the relationship and/or help the prospective cheater understand some of his/her own issues better.

In my experience, for all their complaining about women's "oversensitivity"on matters of fidelity, men are even less able to tolerate their wife having an affair than wives are. Much less.

Ironically some of the most egregious philanderers are the most conservative when it comes to what they assume and expect from their spouse.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It's not as hypocritical, and more understandable than it first appears.

One of the main drives behind the desire to find a partner, in the majority of cases, is the urge to reproduce. Women are always guaranteed that the child they produce is their own, their biological function is fulfilled, their genetic material passed on.

However, a man always has to take the woman's word for it that the child is his (ignoring the modern day capablity for DNA testing, which if insisted upon would kill any trust present in the relationship).

If the lady is sleeping with all and sundry, then the man runs the very real risk of failing to pass his genetic information on, from a biological point of view this is a catastrophe for him. His need to be able to trust his partner is significantly greater or else he may unwittingly end up in a situation where he raises another mans child. This situation is not uncommon.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

In the ecological/bililogical level you are right. However there are some species, including humans, were polyandry can be found ( polyandry: 1 female-several males). So what you state above is not always the case.

Also refering to your post...Is true that in some species males need to make sure that their genetic material is passed on, therefore they try to fertilize as many females as possible. As you say females ( particularly in mammals) are 100% sure that their offspring will carry 50% of their genetic material....

However you have forgotten the second step after reproduction...that´s it "Make sure that the offspring will survive", thus female want to find a male who will protect and take care of her offspring... Therefore as female we don´t want a male who sleeps around because there is a high chance that such male will not take part in our offspring caring... and we know that a second male is less willingly to take care of someonelse´s offspring...

Anyway this is not true for all the species and all cases...

So again I don´t want to know if my partner is a cheater...(for my full point of view please go to previous page)

Edited December 21, 200520 yr by Glauka

What if we are talking about men who can't help but has to have sex with different women every now and then? Can you accept it if he's being honest?

nope- have an ex boyfriend with a clinical sex addiction. even though we had regular and decent sex, he would sneak out when i was sleeping to go f*** prostitutes and other random girls. he also lied about it for 8 years, though i caught on after about 3. i tried to stay with him because i loved him (still do), but his actions were endangering my health and making me an emotional basket case. so now he is off with a new girlfriend, lying to her, and cheating on her constantly. he probably will never change.

if you can not make a commitment, don't get yourself in a relationship! if my man had been honest with me from the start, i would not have wasted 8 years being faithful to him! we still might have been together, might have even had a (safer) sexual relationship. but i would not have had many of the illusions about our future together which were later, and sadly, shattered.

What if we are talking about men who can't help but has to have sex with different women every now and then? Can you accept it if he's being honest?

nope- have an ex boyfriend with a clinical sex addiction. even though we had regular and decent sex, he would sneak out when i was sleeping to go f*** prostitutes and other random girls. he also lied about it for 8 years, though i caught on after about 3. i tried to stay with him because i loved him (still do), but his actions were endangering my health and making me an emotional basket case. so now he is off with a new girlfriend, lying to her, and cheating on her constantly. he probably will never change.

if you can not make a commitment, don't get yourself in a relationship! if my man had been honest with me from the start, i would not have wasted 8 years being faithful to him! we still might have been together, might have even had a (safer) sexual relationship. but i would not have had many of the illusions about our future together which were later, and sadly, shattered.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

When I am faithful is not a MUST "I must be faithful because I committed myself"...I am faithful because I don´t feel like being with someone else...only with my partner...