Duck Jokes ... Add Yours

[David48]

I've heard a few duck jokes in my time ... feel free to add yours

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in a microwave until its Bill Withers.

Daffy Duck calls the hotel desk & asks for a condom.

They ask “Shall we put it on your bill”

Daffy says “are u thucking thupid I’ll thuffocate!”

[Ron19]

A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender. The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. "What'll it be?" the bartender says.The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want." The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. "Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes." The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!" The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, "I'll have the grapes." The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!" The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you get?!" "Got any nails?" "OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?" "Good, got any grapes?"

[transam]

Why did the Duck cross the road ?

To get to work. Quack, Quack. .

[Ron19]

Name something a duck can do, that a doctor won't.Stick his bill up his ass.

[Ron19]

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went duck hunting?

A: He didn't get any because he couldn't throw the dog high enough.

[StreetCowboy]

I was out cruising in the countryside some years back; there was a little stream running across the road.

I asked a yokel standing nearby, with a straw in his mouth, how deep the water was?

"Can't rightly say, sir. Can't say as I've ever measured it...."

"Well, do you think I could drive through it?"

"Can't see as how you couldn't".

Obviously, the car sank without a trace, and I was lucky to swim to the bank.

"I thought you said I could drive through that"

"Well it only comes chest-high on the ducks"

[Ron19]

Q: What's another name for a clever duck?

A: A wise quacker!

[StreetCowboy]

Mummy, mummy, there's a man at the door with a bill.

Don't be daft, son, it must be a duck with a hat on.

[kevjohn]

Ducks in Heaven

Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: don't step on the ducks."

They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man."

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. He is tall, tanned, slim and muscular.

St Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman, thinking that this is great, remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity."

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

[transam]

Ducks in Heaven

Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: don't step on the ducks."

They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man."

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. He is tall, tanned, slim and muscular.

St Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman, thinking that this is great, remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity."

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

, l did toooooooooo.

[transam]

THE Duck waddles into a pet shop, ''got any duck food'' ?

No, only cat and dog.

Next day duck waddles in the pet shop, ''got any duck food'' ? NOOOOOOOO, only for cat and dog. .

Next day duck waddles into pet shop, got any duck food ? Noooooooooooooooooo, and if you come in here again l will nail your feet to the floor.

Next day duck waddles into the pet shop, got any nails ? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Good, you got any duck food.

[Jdietz]

Why do ducks have flat feet?

- To stamp out forest fires

Why do elephants have flat feet?

- To stamp out flaming ducks.

[LennyW]

A farmer has 3 sons, one day he decides to give them each a duck to go sell.

The first son goes into a local market, and after much barganing and hassling gets 5 dollars for the duck. He returns back and tells his Dad, who says "Great job son, lets have a beer"

The second son takes his duck and goes all the way to the city market and manages to get 15 dollars for his duck, he goes back and tells his Dad, and the Dad says "Great show son, lets have 2 beers"

The third son also goes all the way to the city to sell his duck. But instead of going to the market he goes to a whore house, where he finds an all-right girl and asks to have sex, but all he has is this duck.

The girl agress and they go at it. After they finish the girl says it was so good, she'll give him the duck back if they do it again, and the son agrees.

AFter this he leaves the whore house, but as he is doing so the duck gets away, runs into the street, and is run over by a truck. The driver runs out and sees the awestruck son, and says "I'm so sorry, I'll give you 40 dollars for your duck" and the son agrees.

The son returns back home and his father asks "What did you get for your duck son?"

"Well Dad, I got a <deleted>%k for a duck, a duck for a <deleted>%k, and for 40 bucks for a <deleted>%ked up duck."

[transam]

A farmer has 3 sons, one day he decides to give them each a duck to go sell.

The first son goes into a local market, and after much barganing and hassling gets 5 dollars for the duck. He returns back and tells his Dad, who says "Great job son, lets have a beer"

The second son takes his duck and goes all the way to the city market and manages to get 15 dollars for his duck, he goes back and tells his Dad, and the Dad says "Great show son, lets have 2 beers"

The third son also goes all the way to the city to sell his duck. But instead of going to the market he goes to a whore house, where he finds an all-right girl and asks to have sex, but all he has is this duck.

The girl agress and they go at it. After they finish the girl says it was so good, she'll give him the duck back if they do it again, and the son agrees.

AFter this he leaves the whore house, but as he is doing so the duck gets away, runs into the street, and is run over by a truck. The driver runs out and sees the awestruck son, and says "I'm so sorry, I'll give you 40 dollars for your duck" and the son agrees.

The son returns back home and his father asks "What did you get for your duck son?"

"Well Dad, I got a <deleted>%k for a duck, a duck for a <deleted>%k, and for 40 bucks for a <deleted>%ked up duck."

Oooooooooooooooooh, thats a lot of F.........., wait for the flack.

[cooked]

I urgently need a jelly fish joke, come on guys...

[transam]

I urgently need a jelly fish joke, come on guys...

Nooooooooooooooo, not finished with Ducks yet.

[smokie36]

Three little ducks go into a bar.

"What's your name?" the barman asks the first little duck.

"Huey" is the reply.

"How's your day been Huey?" asks the barman.

"Great! I've been in and out of puddles all day long.....what more could a duck want?"

"And what's your name?" he asks the second little duck.

"Dewey" replies the second little duck who adds, "and I've been in and out of puddles all day long too!"

The barman turns to the third little duck and says, "I suppose your name is Louie?"

"No" replies the third little duck, batting her eyelashes, "my name is Puddles".

[StreetCowboy]

Does anyone else recall the Greenalls' bitter advert set on board a sailing galley at war with the Spaniards featuring Captain Duck!

The name is Drake.

No, Captain Duck!

The NAME IS DRAKE!

No, DUCK!

Crash, bang, wallop

Obviously, the advert producer did a better job of it than I did...

SC

[smokie36]

[smokie36]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in Newfoundland . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his

tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, 'I

shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve

it.'

The old farmer Garge replied, 'That's me property, and you ain't coming over here.' The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial lawyers in Toronto and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you's don't know 'ow we settle disputes in Newfoundland . We's settle small disagreements like dis wit the 'Tree Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'

The Farmer replied, 'Well, because da dispute occurs on me land, I gets to go first. I kicks you tree times and then you kicks me tree times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pad.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I gives up. You can 'ave the f***in' duck.'

Edited August 19, 2012 by smokie36

[smokie36]

c

[StreetCowboy]

Tis duck came into the library; picked up a stack of books and checked them out.

He returned them fifteen minutes later, took out another stack.

Then back again, for another stack.

After a while, the librarian became a little curious (presumably the librarian was a cat) and he followed the duck down to the pond. There the duck met a frog on a lilly, shaking its head

"Reddit; Reddit... reddit; reddit"

SC

[smokie36]

One morning a husband awoke and decided he wanted to go duck hunting. He woke his wife and told her, "You have three choices, either go duck hunting with me, let me <deleted> you up the ass, or give me a blow job. I have to run out get the dog, and load up the truck. You had better decide by the time I get back."

He returned after a while, and said to his wife, "Well, what have you decided to do?"

To which she replied, "Well, I sure don't want to go duck hunting, and I'm sure the hell not going to let you <deleted> me up the ass, so I guess I'll give you a blow job."

She begins to suck on his dick, and all the sudden stops and begins spitting and choking.

He said to her, "What's the problem?"

She replies, "SHIT! My god, your dick tastes like shit!"

He replied, "Oh yeah, the dog didn't want to go duck hunting either."

Edited August 19, 2012 by smokie36

[smokie36]

A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver, informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he doesn't know what to do with them anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from here and that's where you should take them." The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks.

The next day the officer again sees the same pick-up truck barreling down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take those ducks to the zoo!" "I did," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"

[smokie36]

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there." Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"

Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!" Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!" The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg. The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more f***ing ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

Edited August 19, 2012 by smokie36

[transam]

I've got the best Duck joke but l am not telling.

[StreetCowboy]

I've got the best Duck joke but l am not telling.

Cows lips

[David48]

I've got the best Duck joke but l am not telling.

Arhhhh Laddie ... it's the way you tell them!

[David48]

Like sex ... most things are a variation on a popular theme ...

A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"

The duck says, "Got any sour grapes?"

The bartender spits and says "We don't have sour grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any sour grapes?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, sour or sweet, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any sour grapes?"

The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve <deleted>' sour grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, said no.

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any sour grapes?"

PS ... later, at that same Bar ...

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.

"Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.

c ... foreplay is sometimes much appreciated.

Edited August 19, 2012 by David48

[Ron19]