2 Years With Thai Man Now And Still Confused By Relations! Help!

[amccbkk]

I live with a Thai man and have for 2 years. We have a young son (from his previous relationship). He's a really wonderful guy -- very honest and faithful and he has a good heart. He is a practicing Buddhist and goes on meditation retreats and we go to the temple regularly to "tam boon". He doesn't drink and he's not a womanizer -- he's a simple guy with a broad mind.

We live in the countryside so we don't have much of a social life -- although we live with a lot of friends and family nearby. It's mostly just the three of us living our lives together. We have a pretty good relationship but for a couple of things -- he doesn't speak English and my Thai, while pretty good, is not perfectly fluent. But we are so attuned to each other we know what each other is thinking and so the words sometimes aren't that important.

We fight like most couples I think but I find it challenging to get over an issue because he -- like most Thais -- doesn't like a confrontation. He thinks I'm scolding him if I want to discuss something that's bothering me and he gets very defensive. It doesn't matter if I speak in a loving voice and try to explain that I want to talk about it neutrally just so we can clear the air -- he always seems to get upset, withdrawn, "noi Jai" and then he tries to make up with me later and it's forgotten . . . till next time.

Recently however we've been arguing a lot and it's making me question our relationship. A new person has entered our little world and seems to be shaking things up. The new kid is a young teenager who my BF met at the gym we train at. He has been communicating with my BF on Facebook since they met --- about 2 weeks now. He is a very feminine guy, this teenager, and looks up to my boyfriend quite a bit (he's 15 and my bf is 27). Since they connected on FB, every time my boyfriend is online, this guy -- I'll call him Ae -- writes to him. Every single time he sits down to the computer (morning or evening) I hear the 'bloop' and a new message appears. So for the past week or so they've been online 2 hours a day and for some reason it really triggers me. I don't like that this kid is so attached to my boyfriend (does he have a crush on him?) and that he has no boundaries (another Thai thing). When I bring it up with my BF he gets angry and says he likes the kid and enjoys talking to him.

I feel so confused because I know I should back off and let him do what he wants, but I don't like the way this kid is relating to my boyfriend or vice versa, and how much time he's taking up of my BF. It's like he's crossing our family boundaries by always trying to chat with him, but my boyfriend, like most Thais, don't see boundaries they way we do. Now I feel almost like they're flirting with each other -- it's so weird. It could just be my confusion because of the way Thai guys relate to each other -- for instance Ae always calls my bf 'older brother'. They mainly talk about Buddhist amulets it seems but when I saw him wrapping up their conversation today I noticed he wrote Goodnight "nong rak" and I had a sick feeling in my gut. I asked him about it (calmly, asking what that meant) and he got really mad and said I was talking crazy and basically "gross" (lol can't think of another word) for even thinking that there was something else to their conversations. He said it's normal for one to say that to a younger brother, but to me it seems weird, especially since they've only known each other for 2 weeks.

I'd love to hear from anyone who has any experience of this kind. I'm utterly alone here and can't seem to get perspective on this. My boyfriend has always been honest with me and he's totally faithful and devoted to us as a family. This new dynamic just really gets to me and I can't figure out why. I'm between beating myself up about it for acting crazy one moment and the next I feel like it's natural to feel like this and the cultural/language issues exaggerate everything. I know I need to give him space and figure out why I'm getting so bothered by this but I'd love to hear if anyone else has any similar stories.

Anyway any help, advice, counsel, suggestions would be welcome. And I'd be happy to share any of my experience if it helps. I think we farang women in relationships with Thai man are few and far between so I'd love to compare notes. THANK YOU!

[bkkjames]

Maybe SBK can provide some thoughts later today when she gets out of bed in the isle of man. No seriously now...

[teacher17]

Hmmm that sounds kind of odd. There's nothing wrong with being "friends" with that guy...but you ARE his GF so you should be more of priority. Are you able to decipher any of those messages? Maybe that will shed light on what they talk about that is so important. Yes, Thai's don't like confrontation, but if there really is an issue, most people have to discuss it in order to move on. Good luck to you!

[submaniac]

I would not chalk this up to "oh it's a Thai cultural thing", cuz it isn't really normal by Thai standards to be that into a friendship like what is described. Everybody has friends. Most normal people, Thai or otherwise, have a limit to how much "friend time" they want to get into. Girlfriend should always have priority, and that is a Thai standard too.

You know him better than anyone else here. And sorry to ask if it is a difficult question, do you think he may have any "Bi" leaning characteristics? Its just hard for me to gauge as a casual observer.

On the plus side it seems he is doing the 2 hours of facebook in you home, instead of being out with his new BFF. So you know he isn't doing anything with him other than talking. so that's a good thing.

Maybe and just maybe he has a younger brother toplay with, and he just enjoys being with him im a brotherly way.

[amccbkk]

Thanks so much for all the input so far. I appreciate all your insights. I'd have to say I don't worry that my BF is bi or anything. He's got a lovely feminine side -- a real softie and he is gentle and loving with everyone he meets in that sense but he's definitely fully comfortable with both his masculine and feminine and not inclined sexually to other men. I think it's more of an emotional thing -- and that's what's bothering me the more I think about it. I don't think he'd go off with this guy and have an affair or even think of it for that matter. It's more that he's connecting with this guy so strongly in a way I can't. He's developing a heart relationship and it's in territory that I don't and can't relate to. Maybe I feel threatened by that. I don't know.

I did check the emails that were sent back and forth -- even though I knew that would just plunge me deeper into the conflict -- but they were all related to exercise and the buddhist amulets. They were all very sweet and kind "krab" and so on. It's only that last one (my boyfriend calling him 'nong rak') that got me thinking something was not right and I still can't figure out why it's such a trigger point. I feel almost like this kid is trying to get my BF's attention and maybe he has a crush on him (I could definitely see 'Ae' being bi or gay) and I just don't feel comfortable with my BF engaging with him so much.

This feels like a couple of other big issues that have come up in our relationship and we've come through them and gotten stronger and it's allowed me to trust him more. I just don't know if I should completely step back or how I can voice my discomfort with him without him feeling like I'm trying to control his friendships or his life. I want him to have friends, just this one makes me feel emotionally cheated on or something.

I guess one thing is I didn't know how common it was to use the term "nong rak" among brotherly friends. I definitely feel like my bf feels like an older brother to him and likes that he is looked up to by this kid.

Thanks again for all your input. Part of me knows I'll find the answer in my heart, but sometimes I just wish I could understand relationships here a little more fully so I can navigate these emotional waters with a little more acceptance or clarity.

[amccbkk]

By the way while he's online chatting to this guy he's also surfing the web and doing other things so it's not like they're just talking continuously. I didn't want to misrepresent things. And while he's doing that I'm usually online doing my own stuff so I can't really say it's taking his time away from me, to be fair. It's just so excessive though!

[tinfoilhat]

so you are afraid your man has something going with a 15 year old boy. uncomfortable that.

In my experience thais do tend to pick up new all consuming friends, and the intensity fades after a while.

confronting him wont work, i reckon you have to wait and see where it goes.

[amccbkk]

Yeah that's it! -- it's the intensity lol. It just seems so full on. I think you're right tinfoil, I'm probably just going to have to step back and see what happens.

[MissSorapong]

Thanks so much for all the input so far. I appreciate all your insights. I'd have to say I don't worry that my BF is bi or anything. He's got a lovely feminine side -- a real softie and he is gentle and loving with everyone he meets in that sense but he's definitely fully comfortable with both his masculine and feminine and not inclined sexually to other men. I think it's more of an emotional thing -- and that's what's bothering me the more I think about it. I don't think he'd go off with this guy and have an affair or even think of it for that matter. It's more that he's connecting with this guy so strongly in a way I can't. He's developing a heart relationship and it's in territory that I don't and can't relate to. Maybe I feel threatened by that. I don't know.

I did check the emails that were sent back and forth -- even though I knew that would just plunge me deeper into the conflict -- but they were all related to exercise and the buddhist amulets. They were all very sweet and kind "krab" and so on. It's only that last one (my boyfriend calling him 'nong rak') that got me thinking something was not right and I still can't figure out why it's such a trigger point. I feel almost like this kid is trying to get my BF's attention and maybe he has a crush on him (I could definitely see 'Ae' being bi or gay) and I just don't feel comfortable with my BF engaging with him so much.

This feels like a couple of other big issues that have come up in our relationship and we've come through them and gotten stronger and it's allowed me to trust him more. I just don't know if I should completely step back or how I can voice my discomfort with him without him feeling like I'm trying to control his friendships or his life. I want him to have friends, just this one makes me feel emotionally cheated on or something.

I guess one thing is I didn't know how common it was to use the term "nong rak" among brotherly friends. I definitely feel like my bf feels like an older brother to him and likes that he is looked up to by this kid.

Thanks again for all your input. Part of me knows I'll find the answer in my heart, but sometimes I just wish I could understand relationships here a little more fully so I can navigate these emotional waters with a little more acceptance or clarity.

Hi amccbkk!

Where do you live? My bf comes from the South and I asked him if he would ever call a young boy "nong rak"?

Yes he said, lovely to call someone in the family. Then I asked him if he could call someone who was only a friend

that? And he said yes again;) So I guess its only something you say in a sweet brotherly way!? Cause when I

asked him if he would say that to a young boy who was gay he said NO;)

[OxfordWill]

You might be pushing him away with your attempts to "clear the air" which although you do not explicitly state it, I think you know is not something the Thais need or want to do. It's just not in them. Us whiteys have a definite need to "bring it all out", "talk it through", and "feel better" as a result. This is anathema to all but the most unusual Thais, be they male or female.

I don't think it's any coincidence you lead into the "Ae" situation from explanation about your cultural needs not being met. You seem in some conflict as you appear to realise that Thai men do sometimes have a certain kind of male-male relationship that is odd to most of us westerners, yet you won't allow yourself to accept his relationship with Ae. Could it be that you are projecting your frustrations over what may be the "main issue" in your relationship (the lack of "open western-style dialogue" about things that bother you or concern you) onto what may well be a very harmless and quite normal unrelated aspect of his life and behaviour?

I am very sympathetic to your situation and after 10 years here I wonder if it is surmountable with a Thai who has not spent significant time in the West. What i have learned is that however hard I try, I cannot shake away or change the fundamental cultural "principles" that I was brought up with, such as this need for "getting things off my chest" (if I can put it that more male way), nor the way in which the lack of them strongly affects my happiness.

[Lesley99]

My husband doesn't like to talk things through, I've noticed over the years he will wait and wait and then explode, whereas I would rather talk things through before he can make a mountain out of a molehill!!

You know what it's like when your on the Internet, time can slip away and you don't realise, it does for me anyway.

Obviously i cant say if he is or isnt but if he isnt and you keep pushing the issue, though you might push him away.

Hope you can both work it out

[submaniac]

Thanks so much for all the input so far. I appreciate all your insights. I'd have to say I don't worry that my BF is bi or anything. He's got a lovely feminine side -- a real softie and he is gentle and loving with everyone he meets in that sense but he's definitely fully comfortable with both his masculine and feminine and not inclined sexually to other men. I think it's more of an emotional thing -- and that's what's bothering me the more I think about it. I don't think he'd go off with this guy and have an affair or even think of it for that matter. It's more that he's connecting with this guy so strongly in a way I can't. He's developing a heart relationship and it's in territory that I don't and can't relate to. Maybe I feel threatened by that. I don't know.

I did check the emails that were sent back and forth -- even though I knew that would just plunge me deeper into the conflict -- but they were all related to exercise and the buddhist amulets. They were all very sweet and kind "krab" and so on. It's only that last one (my boyfriend calling him 'nong rak') that got me thinking something was not right and I still can't figure out why it's such a trigger point. I feel almost like this kid is trying to get my BF's attention and maybe he has a crush on him (I could definitely see 'Ae' being bi or gay) and I just don't feel comfortable with my BF engaging with him so much.

I think things are getting a bit clearer now. You live with him for 2 years now, so if you don't think that he has any inkling of bisexuality, then I don't think you need to worry about that. If he had any leanings for men, you would have probably picked up signals by now.

So if there is no sexual motives involved, then I would chalk it up to finding someone he has an interest with. You guys are out in the country in the middle of nowhere it sounds like. He has an interest in amulets and working out. It may just be a passion for him. Like some people are into collecting comic books, some people collect stamps, some people can talk for hours on old dinosaur 60's bands, etc. Maybe he is passionate about amulets and working out, and there isn't anyone else for him to talk to about things that he is really into. I mean with those amulets (which I am not into) it's such small things that set them a part from one another, and people can get into them just like people who can spot the difference in the fender grille of a 1964 chevy corvette from a 1965 chevy corvette. Most people aren't into talking about stuff like that...but if you find someone that share's your interest....I mean, do you like talking about Buddhist amulets or working out at the gym? I kind of think you're not that into it, and if it is something he's interested in but you're not, then he can't really talk to you about it if you dig what I'm saying. He probably doesn't want to bore you with stuff he knows you don't have an interest for. Kind of like you may not want to talk the latest ladies fashion trends from Paris with him.

And you've cleared up the internet thing. If he's also surfing the web while chatting with his new BFF, that's normal. I can spend two hours at time just going through Thaivisa. If he was just spending 2 hours chatting on face book with Ae, well that would be weird.

So I just think that he has found someone who shares his same interests and passions that he can't share with you necessarily, and is just having a good friend to act as his younger brother. In that case I say you have nothing to worry about.

[amccbkk]

Hi everyone and thank you so much for all the thoughts and insights. It's all helping quite a bit. Just the support from people who understand the Thainess of all of this

The more things sit the more I think I should just sit back and let things settle. I think like tinfoil said, it'll just lose its intensity after a while. I did find out that the kid is actually straight and he's got a girlfriend so that shut me up a bit. He's just very effeminate I guess -- or maybe seems so cause of his age and the fact he's shy and so on.

I appreciate what you say oxfordwill. Yes i do think it's some projection on my part -- the culmination of frustrations over the communication. And I sometimes just just get scared and suspicious when I shouldn't be.

Thanks to Miss Sorapong too. My BF is from the Northeast -- Isaan -- but has grown up in the greater BKK area since he was a kid. I don't think my boyfriend thought he was gay so I think it might be just a sweet brotherly thing to say. When I looked through the other emails the communication is very "normal" just discussing amulets and so on, sending links, talking about prices and age and so on. It's prolly just a little bromance that will cool in intensity after a while.

Also thanks to Lesley99 -- I know he's definitely like that on the internet -- loses track of time when he's doing something and he can be on there for hours (me too lol).

I'll keep you all posted but thanks for all the support in the meantime.

[sbk]

Women tend to think too much, and yes its an annoying phrase but sometimes its right.

Cant say I have ever heard my husband use the term nong rak for a family member but then they aren't all that close. He does have a very close friend that he struck up a friendship with a few years ago and yes it seemed to me to be quite intense at first but now its much less so so that the two guys don't spend quite as much time talking fishing as they used to.

[TommoPhysicist]

I've noticed quite a lot of sexual activity between young heterosexual Thai males.

They just appear more relaxed about such things than western males.

Better to accept the possibility than bury your head in the sand.

Learn to live with it or leave are your two choices.

(You might want to get your bf to use a condom with you in future)

[Jawnie]

Why don't you invite the new friend over for dinner and/or go out on some social events together. Get to know him and their relationship in person. Reach out to both of them like this.

[pxlgirl]

(You might want to get your bf to use a condom with you in future)

Ouch... Don't you think that statement is a wee bit over the top? Despite of any "openness" in this case it would involve an adult with a 15 year old boy, which is not exactly morally right and legal...

[2unique]

Reading your partners personal emails and then interrogating him on them is quite a low act and one that I would have serious issues with in a relationship.

All you will do is fall prey to the What If syndrome due to the fact that all you ever see when you peep through a keyhole is a small part of the picture. Now your brain is free to spin like a hamster in a wheel going what if this and what if that.

The question seems to be more about you and a lack of trust (despite you repeatedly telling us convincingly he doesn't cheat) than him. You need to honestly ask yourself what is the real problem here, his friendship, you feeling neglected or other then take positive action about it instead of "nagging" him. Draw a Venn Diagram of your things and his things and either get more in the overlap or do more with the things that do overlap. Sounds silly putting a diagram on what should happen naturally - pffft a relationship is a task that requires hard work... a couple that does things together grows together and isn't on facebook while they're at the doing - good luck

Edited August 28, 2012 by Lite Beer
Inappropriate photo removed

[TommoPhysicist]

(You might want to get your bf to use a condom with you in future)

Ouch... Don't you think that statement is a wee bit over the top? Despite of any "openness" in this case it would involve an adult with a 15 year old boy, which is not exactly morally right and legal...

No moral or legal problems in Thailand age of consent is 15.

[amccbkk]

hello again and thanks once more to all the people who responded to my desperate plea for insights and experience about this issue. i'm definitely aware that this is my problem as 2unique says in his comments. I've definitely got a very deep fear of being betrayed and so this experience has made me look at that and reach out to others for help.

we actually had a breakthrough conversation today about being able to talk about problems in our relationship though. for the first time i think he really understood that talking about an issue doesn't mean that i'm criticizing him or saying he did something wrong. at the end of the day though we are from two different cultures and though our love is transcending the differences i still have difficulty knowing how to deal with something that doesn't feel right to me.

anyway thanks again for all your insights and help. oh and by the way, jawny i like your idea -- i totally agree that i should probably get to know the kid as well. he's probably just a nice guy who is fanatical about amulets like my bf.

[2unique]

I agree you should present as a couple as you would with any kid back in the West however I do feel that you're going to have to be a bit careful that this doesn't turn into an unhealthy attraction from the 15 year old. Visits shouldn't really be encouraged, I mean c'mon if you saw a couple court a friendship with a 15 year old back home you'd have one hand on speed dial to child services! If you are intent on having this social relationship then at least once invite the parents so they know it's on the up and up but I'd rather see you keep it online as much as possible until your boyfriend is weaned off his need to be the wise guru/sifu.

I'm quite broad minded and detest people who see paedophilia everywhere but until you know this kid is not going to go all fatal attraction you'll have to be in squeaky clean mode.

This is a situation where I encourage you to use that renowned female cunning and manipulation to distract boyfriend with something shiny.

Edit: how old is the young son?

Sent from Android, please excuse errors in type or judgement.

Edited August 29, 2012 by 2unique

[sbk]

(You might want to get your bf to use a condom with you in future)

Ouch... Don't you think that statement is a wee bit over the top? Despite of any "openness" in this case it would involve an adult with a 15 year old boy, which is not exactly morally right and legal...

No moral or legal problems in Thailand age of consent is 15.

Unless the parents object and file charges which they are entitled to do if the person is under the age of 18. Not a road we want to go down here, thanks.

I tend to agree with 2unique here, I suspect your husband is flattered at being the wise guru, teens develop crushes and it i is the responsibility of the adults involved to make sure it goes no further.

[silsburyhill]

I've noticed quite a lot of sexual activity between young heterosexual Thai males.

They just appear more relaxed about such things than western males.

Really? Rather like young African American males recently featured in a US doc. (They call it being on the down low)? And there was nothing 'effeminate' about them. I only mention this as there are an awful lot of farang men on this forum calling Thai men effeminate. I'm guessing you're one of them and find your recommendation to the OP intrusive, not to mention downright rude and repugnant. Edited August 29, 2012 by silsburyhill

[Boo]

Just deleted a stupid post. if you don't like your posts being referred to as stupid then don't post stupid stuff in the ladiess section. Simples.

[varun]

Does your boyfriend have any siblings? Brothers or sisters?

I honestly do believe this could be some kind of older-brother / younger-brother bonding / bromance that he might have subconsciously 'yearned' for in the past?

Does he call the kid 'nong chai' ?

Maybe you're overthinking this whole thing.

Unless you have confirmed proof of any physical contact between your boyfriend & the boy that may've been sexual in nature, you have nothing to worry about.

[Sheryl]

From my reading this current friendship isn't the only problem. You are in an isolated situation and there are language and other barriers between your world and that of your BF. It sounds like other than the immediate household you lack close relationships.

If you want to continue this arrangement, it would greatly help if you:

1. Invested some time in really improving your Thai -- even if it means going elsewhere for an intensive course. WIll among other things enable you to form friendships with local Thai women so that you too have other relationships in your life...which in turn may make you feel more relaxed about your BF's friendships.

2. If it is at all acceptable to you, consider taking a meditation course yourself (I can recommend ones in English). It will bring its own benefits to you plus help you understand a huge aspect of your BF's life which you are currently alien to. A lot of how he responds to things etc will become much clearer. And a lot of how you respond to things will also become clearer to you.

As to wherther there is anything "gay" going on/likely to go on in your BF's relationship, impossible for me to say, tiem will tell but regardless the above advice will help.

[AlexRRR]

Thai women are like that too, and your being insecure.

You will find that eventfully sweeping things under the carpet will push you out of that relationship as it did with me because nothing gets resolved.

As for the "feminine" little brother, what are you NOT getting in your relationship to make you feel jealous?

[cgphuket]

Trust your instincts. If you have been here a while you now how gay Thailand is; most Thai men lean more towards the middle than average. Straight men don't refer to young boys as cute. Either accept your BF is gone switch hit sometimes, or move on.

[kennypowers]

I have to agree with Tommophysicist, I would prepare for the possibility that he may be bisexual. There is a lot of homosexual activity between supposedly heterosexual males here. Because of its prevalence it is of real concern for many Thai women. Ask around and you'll find out. The cultural dynamics are different. Most thai men prefer to hang out with men all the time drinking and getting touchy feely rather than spend time with groups containing women. This is something us foreign men, who grow up in mixed social groups, don't understand. I actually left my last gym because of the strange goings on in the cubicles. It was constant and obvious, like a club. I am quite sure not all these guys were openly gay.

Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect Thailand