Farangs Whose Thai Wives Have Become Substitutes For Their Mothers–Pitiful Or Plain Pathetic

[Beetlejuice]

One of my male acquaintances now in his late 50s who has lived in Thailand with his Thai wife, in her mid 50s, for over 12 years, was recently preparing to extend his home by having another two rooms built onto the property by request of his wife, to accommodate his wife’s nephew who is down on his luck and has recently run away to Chiang Mai from Pai up in the North.

I asked my friend if he really wanted to extend his house and have his wife’s nephew living there as a permanent resident? He replied; I never could tolerate my wife’s nephew for long periods, but I have no say, 'It's not my decision. My wife is adamant that this is what is going to happen and there is nothing I can do, he said; although she knows I do not want to be associated with her nephew or waste my money on extending the house.

Some years ago, this guy used to be a very extrovert and adventurous person, then over a period of time, he has become totally reliant on his Thai wife, although he continually complains about how cruel she treats him, as if to say, please have pity for my situation. But if visiting Immigration for his visa, a hospital or doctor, the local supermarket, buying and choosing cloths, even having to make a decision as to what colors or types of clothes he should wear when going out and dealing with any general inquiries he requires the support of his wife and would now never make an attempt to deal with home matters or venture to certain places on his own. As for going out alone or with friends, this guy has begun to suffer from anxiety and will never stray too far from home or stop out late without his wife.

I used to like this friend dearly, but I find myself losing most of the respect I used to have for him. According to his wife there have not been any sexual relations between this guy and his wife for a long time, and it appears that his wife has become a substitute mother to him and he now relies on her almost completely.

When on rare occasions I am able to have a conversation with my friend just the two of us, he seems a normal kind of guy, but when I see him with his wife, he becomes a completely different person, like a little boy. He does what he is told and has to argue with his wife regarding his preferences as for anything he wants to do and will always eventually back down if anything goes against the grain with his wife.

What is interesting is that over my many years here in Thailand, I have met several ex-pat guys who have fallen into similar situations as my friend. Mostly middle aged or elderly transformed into pathetic wimps suffering from acute symptoms of anxiety where the wife becomes a substitute mother and the guy loses all ability to face the big wide world head on and totally dependant on the partner to be near and close at hand for most of the time.

Is this some kind of phenomenon that can affect Thailand ex-pats after being too long cocooned in their own little worlds and environments?

As to what I am describing, could this be you or someone you know?

It could be me, but it`s not me, before anyone asks.

Edited October 28, 2012 by Beetlejuice

[Alexpho]

I have a Lao girlfriend, same as Thai ( I am a Lao American ) who lives in Laos and I live here in the States. I am a 41 y.o retiree who is doing well. I take care of her every month through a very generous allowance and flies to Asia twice a year for 3 years now. Everything is fine with us. I love her dearly. Problem is, I can never trust her. Its not really her I feel uncomfortable, its her family that I can't trust. Its all about money.

After various arguments, she finally knows what is the real deal in our relationship. Asia woman always want to be in charge. Well, from the get go, I made some serious pointers.

A- Don't ask about my income

B- I am here to take care of you and your kids. Fine. But not your family

C- One lie, you are out

D- Steal one dollar from me, you are out

Sorry I have to be blunt about it. And no, I am no caveman romantic either. I figured life is too short to be bothered with penny annie stuff. I come to visit and have a good time.

Your friend needs to be firm. The one that controls the finances, controls the relationship. JMO

[endure]

One post has been removed for using vulgar language. Rule 3 is quite clear. Any further posts which break it will be removed.

[Chittychangchang]

Your friend has gradually slid into a situation where he is more and more reliant on is wife.

Does he speak Thai?

Is he isolated?

Does he have a farang social circle?

Maybe you should take him out of his negative enviroment for a holiday or go out a couple of times a week with him if he is indeed your friend.

[theblether]

He's been browbeaten by a control freak, it happens all over the world.

Looks like he's got it bad BJ, he's a lost cause. I know of dozens of examples in farang land. I sometimes wonder if the guys are masochists as they take so much sh*t thats the only explanation I can find.

Just be a pal for him when you can, you're maybe one of the few real pals he has left in the world.

Otherwise stay out of it, there's no victory for you here.

Just sayin'

[Beetlejuice]

He's been browbeaten by a control freak, it happens all over the world.

Looks like he's got it bad BJ, he's a lost cause. I know of dozens of examples in farang land. I sometimes wonder if the guys are masochists as they take so much sh*t thats the only explanation I can find.

Just be a pal for him when you can, you're maybe one of the few real pals he has left in the world.

Otherwise stay out of it, there's no victory for you here.

Just sayin'

You are right, he is a lost cause, most of them are, and I never become involved, wouldn`t be worth the time and effort, plus this guy is someone I would describe as an occasional friend, someone I know and his wife sometimes chats with my wife and that`s about as far as it goes.

These are only my observations of many such cases I have witnessed over years here and just wondering, are these sorts of behaviors the results of those who have somehow become or deliberately isolated themselves in Thailand to become 100% reliant on they`re partners?

I wonder what happens if their wife dies or leaves them? Do they just go into recession and fade away?

[MAJIC]

No Beetlejuice. I don't think this is common to Thailand or expats that live in Thailand.

It comes down to Mummys boys that can't leave the perfect environment that their Mother has created for them,and are reluctant to leave the nest,and stand on their own two feet.Be thankful your Mother taught you how to!

Read Freud and his theories on Mother Fixation.

Personally,although I hesitate to bear my soul on a public Forum,I sometimes envy Guys like this one, you are speaking of, as my Mother died when I was eight years old,and I never really knew her,..much as I would dearly have wanted to.................a lifetimes burdon I carry with me,and probably affected my relationships over the years,.if I am honest with myself.

[loong]

It makes me laugh that there are still people back in Farangland that believe Thai women are subservient and treated as downtrodden servants by their men.

I have seen what the OP refers to many times.

I believe that what happens is that the man often just gives in, in order to keep the peace and a quiet life. I know that I have done this myself.

The man gives in on so many points that it eventually becomes a habit. Also many have committed so much of their savings, that they are afraid to lose it, knowing that if they leave, they leave with nothing.

So they keep on giving in and will then not even bother to express their opinions.

Your friend is prepared to tell you that he is not at all happy at the idea of the nephew coming to live in the house, but is probably too scared to tell his wife or put his foot down.

If he allows the nephew to move in, he will soon feel even more isolated and more like an unwelcome guest in his own home.

With another mouth to feed and more than likely, the nephew expecting constant handouts, your friend will become increasingly miserable and bitter.

He is not being mothered, he is being treated like a pet dog that shits money.

BTW - it is definitely her nephew, is it?

[macksview]

this is one for the psychologists i think, way above a laymans analysis, as said before just be a friend to him, try and get him out of the house, just for a drive and a lunch somewhere, you may not achieve much but you can only try.

i have known men who after a lifetime of labour are happy to withdraw from the hassles of making day to day decisions, admittedly most of these people have worked in high stress environments where their decision making could have very serious or fatal outcomes.

my FIL is a prime example, he hates dealing with things he finds annoying, he just wants to tend his garden, talk to his old friends, he loves talking to the monks and enjoys his cigarettes and coffee, virtually all decisions on minor things are made by his wife.

the only time he seems to be the strong personality he once was, is when he attends the reunions of those of his graduating school, where they tell war stories and tales of lost comrades, from the border conflicts/communist insurgencey,or from life after their service.

[macksview]

personally, i have been on a changing of direction, i love letting the wife run the house, look after the money, remember important dates, deal with all the government departments, these things she does efficiently.

why, do i diffuse myself of responsiblity, i have had to be responsible for others all my life, now i work, still make some important decisions at work, but the little things are handled by the wife.

she, never questions her role, she has said that part of duty as a wife is to make things easy for me, is it her controlling me, not sure, but i am very happy with the situation and my marriage.

[rsokolowski]

Life is far to short to be stuck with someone who you do not like to be around.

[Om85]

Well, I think that this happens only with european, japanese, and white americans, cuz I have known many cases like this one but all of them are people from those nationalities, mustly are people that don't speak Thai, are old, fat, and their wifes usually are ugly as hell too, and come from Isaan or the North.

[giddyup]

Well, I think that this happens only with european, japanese, and white americans, cuz I have known many cases like this one but all of them are people from those nationalities, mustly are people that don't speak Thai, are old, fat, and their wifes usually are ugly as hell too, and come from Isaan or the North.

I'm glad you didn't generalise.

[anon210]

I have a Lao girlfriend, same as Thai ( I am a Lao American ) who lives in Laos and I live here in the States. I am a 41 y.o retiree who is doing well. I take care of her every month through a very generous allowance and flies to Asia twice a year for 3 years now. Everything is fine with us. I love her dearly. Problem is, I can never trust her. Its not really her I feel uncomfortable, its her family that I can't trust. Its all about money.

After various arguments, she finally knows what is the real deal in our relationship. Asia woman always want to be in charge. Well, from the get go, I made some serious pointers.

A- Don't ask about my income

B- I am here to take care of you and your kids. Fine. But not your family

C- One lie, you are out

D- Steal one dollar from me, you are out

Sorry I have to be blunt about it. And no, I am no caveman romantic either. I figured life is too short to be bothered with penny annie stuff. I come to visit and have a good time.

Your friend needs to be firm. The one that controls the finances, controls the relationship. JMO

When you introduce money in the equation (the "allowance"), you get literally what you paid for... that is a very materialistic relationship based on money (I would shudder calling that "love").

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[Sharp]

I have a Lao girlfriend, same as Thai ( I am a Lao American ) who lives in Laos and I live here in the States. I am a 41 y.o retiree who is doing well. I take care of her every month through a very generous allowance and flies to Asia twice a year for 3 years now. Everything is fine with us. I love her dearly. Problem is, I can never trust her. Its not really her I feel uncomfortable, its her family that I can't trust. Its all about money.

After various arguments, she finally knows what is the real deal in our relationship. Asia woman always want to be in charge. Well, from the get go, I made some serious pointers.

A- Don't ask about my income

B- I am here to take care of you and your kids. Fine. But not your family

C- One lie, you are out

D- Steal one dollar from me, you are out

Sorry I have to be blunt about it. And no, I am no caveman romantic either. I figured life is too short to be bothered with penny annie stuff. I come to visit and have a good time.

Your friend needs to be firm. The one that controls the finances, controls the relationship. JMO

Spot on ...

Sent from my iPad using ThaiVisa app

[BigJohnnyBKK]

Yes, I consider many if not most of my married friends to be completely pussy-whipped.

I make it completely clear from the get-go that I call the shots about issues important to me and don't intend to let that change even if the relationship becomes long term.

Plus I am farang "kee nok" by experienced-girl standards, so those two things keep the worst at bay.

Of course with even with most girls who accept those factors, it takes constant vigilance to maintain the upper hand.

But I also realize that this incurs a moral obligation on my part to do everything I can to make her happy, and I actively work at that, and not only financially. Part of that is complete acceptance of who they are and where they come from, and not pushing to change the things that most people would let irritate them.

[chiangmaikelly]

Well, I think that this happens only with european, japanese, and white americans, cuz I have known many cases like this one but all of them are people from those nationalities, mustly are people that don't speak Thai, are old, fat, and their wifes usually are ugly as hell too, and come from Isaan or the North.

I'm glad you didn't generalise.

Especially the fat part. I have noticed fat guys are especially easy marks for mothers. They carry little dogs too. Girls from the North all have little dogs; have you noticed that? I have noticed two types to watch out for when dating and have enclosed a pic. These two women are from a Chinese Thai family in the North.

[Om85]

Well, I think that this happens only with european, japanese, and white americans, cuz I have known many cases like this one but all of them are people from those nationalities, mustly are people that don't speak Thai, are old, fat, and their wifes usually are ugly as hell too, and come from Isaan or the North.

I'm glad you didn't generalise.

Especially the fat part. I have noticed fat guys are especially easy marks for mothers. They carry little dogs too. Girls from the North all have little dogs; have you noticed that? I have noticed two types to watch out for when dating and have enclosed a pic. These two women are from a Chinese Thai family in the North.

I don't now about the litle dog part, and I am just talking out of my own experience, for example , here I knew a guy, he worked with me and he met a Thai chick, he fall in love with her and he wanted to settle here, he was fat, 60 years old and with no knowledge about Thai culture/language, after three month dating with the chick they got married, she bought a house with his money, she just kick him out of the house and divorsed him, then he came complaining to me, I just said him how the hell could he bought a house with absolutely no right over it???Maybe is because I come from Cuba, but man, here I've met lots of absolutely stupids guys, I have a wife and a doughter and we are happily married, but until I get Thai citizenship I will no buy a house or do something like that.

[guzzi850m2]

I know a guy that had a nice big piece of land (2 rai) app 1- 2 km away from Jomtien Beach with a small house and swimming pool. His Thai wife convinced him to divide the land up and build a condominium for all his saved money (app 20 mill bath).

It all went tits up from the beginning, the building cost more then she expected and she had to borrow money in the bank (he didn't want to have anything to do with it).

The condominium was finished build but she had difficulties selling the units and rent out the 51% remaining units they intended to keep and not enough money was coming in to pay the mortgage.

To cut a long story short, the bank took over everything, the condos, his house, the cars and his wife ran away with app. 5 mill bath she had tucked away for a rainy day.

App. 5 people bought condos there but they never got the tittle deeds and the rich Thai/Chinese woman that bought the whole lot from the bank will most likely try to get them out (court case pending, I think).

This man is now back in EU and will most likely never come back to Thailand as he have to live on a small pension, his wife is wanted by the police for fraud. Their son was sent to EU by his mother to stay with his father.

What a mess, I fell very sorry for this man and his son. He also left all the decisions to his wife and didn't want any confrontations and what a big mistake it was.

I am not afraid to discuss any matters with my wife and in the end of the day it's my decision as I am the one earning the money but we can normally find a solution we both can accept.

Edited October 29, 2012 by guzzi850m2

[BigJohnnyBKK]

I don't now about the litle dog part, and I am just talking out of my own experience, for example , here I knew a guy, he worked with me and he met a Thai chick, he fall in love with her and he wanted to settle here, he was fat, 60 years old and with no knowledge about Thai culture/language, after three month dating with the chick they got married, she bought a house with his money, she just kick him out of the house and divorsed him, then he came complaining to me, I just said him how the hell could he bought a house with absolutely no right over it???Maybe is because I come from Cuba, but man, here I've met lots of absolutely stupids guys, I have a wife and a doughter and we are happily married, but until I get Thai citizenship I will no buy a house or do something like that.

Wow a Cuban - now there's an endorsement of the attractiveness of Thai women.

[giddyup]

Well, I think that this happens only with european, japanese, and white americans, cuz I have known many cases like this one but all of them are people from those nationalities, mustly are people that don't speak Thai, are old, fat, and their wifes usually are ugly as hell too, and come from Isaan or the North.

I'm glad you didn't generalise.

Especially the fat part. I have noticed fat guys are especially easy marks for mothers. They carry little dogs too. Girls from the North all have little dogs; have you noticed that? I have noticed two types to watch out for when dating and have enclosed a pic. These two women are from a Chinese Thai family in the North.

I don't now about the litle dog part, and I am just talking out of my own experience, for example , here I knew a guy, he worked with me and he met a Thai chick, he fall in love with her and he wanted to settle here, he was fat, 60 years old and with no knowledge about Thai culture/language, after three month dating with the chick they got married, she bought a house with his money, she just kick him out of the house and divorsed him, then he came complaining to me, I just said him how the hell could he bought a house with absolutely no right over it???Maybe is because I come from Cuba, but man, here I've met lots of absolutely stupids guys, I have a wife and a doughter and we are happily married, but until I get Thai citizenship I will no buy a house or do something like that.

Nothing wrong with buying the GF a house, just get a 30 year lease on it. I couldn't give a hoot that my lady gets the house when I die, no kids to leave it to anyway.

[TommoPhysicist]

@OP

'doesn't want to extend his house'

Seems like this is always the problem, buy someone else a house then live in fear of losing the house if you step out of line. But to talk about it as 'your house' must be a sign of madness ..... it's her house you fool!

No sex either.

Hardly a surprise, she already has her house, no need to work him any more.

Yes, I have seen this happen many times, men in fear of losing their homes become totally subdued by their wives and lead a life of perpetual fear and unhappiness. Happened to me in the west ...... but I managed to escape (lost the house).

Nothing to do with mothering, all to do with fear of losing your home.

Edited October 29, 2012 by TommoPhysicist

[chiangmaikelly]

Well, I think that this happens only with european, japanese, and white americans, cuz I have known many cases like this one but all of them are people from those nationalities, mustly are people that don't speak Thai, are old, fat, and their wifes usually are ugly as hell too, and come from Isaan or the North.

I'm glad you didn't generalise.

Especially the fat part. I have noticed fat guys are especially easy marks for mothers. They carry little dogs too. Girls from the North all have little dogs; have you noticed that? I have noticed two types to watch out for when dating and have enclosed a pic. These two women are from a Chinese Thai family in the North.

I don't now about the litle dog part, and I am just talking out of my own experience, for example , here I knew a guy, he worked with me and he met a Thai chick, he fall in love with her and he wanted to settle here, he was fat, 60 years old and with no knowledge about Thai culture/language, after three month dating with the chick they got married, she bought a house with his money, she just kick him out of the house and divorsed him, then he came complaining to me, I just said him how the hell could he bought a house with absolutely no right over it???Maybe is because I come from Cuba, but man, here I've met lots of absolutely stupids guys, I have a wife and a doughter and we are happily married, but until I get Thai citizenship I will no buy a house or do something like that.

20 million women from Issan and thousands upon thousands of expats. Do you seriously believe your experience with a few gives you the right to say " I think that this happens only with european, japanese, and white americans," and " and their wifes usually are ugly as hell too, and come from Isaan or the North."

[jacktrip]

its because living in a new country is demanding. after awhile many guys just give up, find a thai lady and basically pay her to take care of them so they dont have to meet the challenges. some even end up trailing behind her and letting her do everything such as ordering simple food dishes. the guys end up getting weaker rather then stronger and they dont learn anything. their character vanishes.

[Om85]

@Chiangmaikelly:Maybe you didn't undertand my meaning, i said: IN MY EXPERIENCE, i didn't said all the farangs are like that, or this only happens to europeans, but back in my country happens more or less the same like here in Thailand, you have europeans, japanese and americans desperate for love that go and get married with prostitues, or with women that already have childrens etc, then they get ripped off and they don't know why??? sorry for them, but even a child wouldnt commit that kind of mistake.

[thenervoussurgeon]

Our home is run on the (i will be PC here) native american system ,there is only one chief and my wife and son let me be it.

[Pormax]

Yet another generalisation thread and again about having a go at Thai ladies.

Knock it off, there is too much of it. (mostly i would presume by those who have come unstuck in a relationship

or have been done over by their previous partner, so they have a go at the Thai lady again.

There are many men who dictate everything to their wives as do women who do the same to men.

This is not just in Thailand but all over the world.

Some people believe it or not, are very happy every decision is made for them.

Not for me, as I believe a partnership should work together and make joint decisions

But it is their choice and not my business to tell them this is wrong or stupid or naive.

I get on with my life, pehaps a good idea others did the same.

[uptheos]

I knew a guy, a friend of mine.....................nah I can't, that's been done to death already.

[Jonathan Fairfield]

It makes me laugh that there are still people back in Farangland that believe Thai women are subservient and treated as downtrodden servants by their men.

I have seen what the OP refers to many times.

I believe that what happens is that the man often just gives in, in order to keep the peace and a quiet life. I know that I have done this myself.

The man gives in on so many points that it eventually becomes a habit. Also many have committed so much of their savings, that they are afraid to lose it, knowing that if they leave, they leave with nothing.

So they keep on giving in and will then not even bother to express their opinions.

Your friend is prepared to tell you that he is not at all happy at the idea of the nephew coming to live in the house, but is probably too scared to tell his wife or put his foot down.

If he allows the nephew to move in, he will soon feel even more isolated and more like an unwelcome guest in his own home.

With another mouth to feed and more than likely, the nephew expecting constant handouts, your friend will become increasingly miserable and bitter.

He is not being mothered, he is being treated like a pet dog that shits money.

BTW - it is definitely her nephew, is it?

Good post.

I reckon the OP's story is extremely common in Thailand. I see it all the time where I live, guys almost unable to do anything for themselves, totally reliant on their Thai wives/GF's. Very sad

[chiangmaikelly]

@Chiangmaikelly:Maybe you didn't undertand my meaning, i said: IN MY EXPERIENCE, i didn't said all the farangs are like that, or this only happens to europeans, but back in my country happens more or less the same like here in Thailand, you have europeans, japanese and americans desperate for love that go and get married with prostitues, or with women that already have childrens etc, then they get ripped off and they don't know why??? sorry for them, but even a child wouldnt commit that kind of mistake.

So you know Japanese men who have married prostitutes in Thailand? It goes without saying I guess that the only men you have not seen marry Thai prostitutes are Cubans?

Edited October 29, 2012 by chiangmaikelly