Moving Out Of Thailand (A Confession)

[Chads]

So I've always wanted to live somewhere within Southeast Asia and my 2 favourite places have been Thailand and Indonesia. I wanted to move to Indonesia, but the nature of my work didn't allow me to.

I've been travelling in and out of Thailand every 3 months for years now. 8 months ago, I finally decided to move here and stay for an extended period, even considering staying here for good.

I got a nice apartment, and enjoyed my time here. But no matter what I did, I end up missing life in Yogyakarta, Indonesia. It's the cultural activity, from art to music, to the nature of the people (I generally find them to be nicer and warmer, and I just get along with them better, but that may be a personal thing). Thai people are nice, but not as nice as the Indonesians in my opinion. I also find it easier to build friendships and bond with Indonesians. With Thais I always feel like I'm pretty "outside".

Youth culture there also has more hints and understanding of western trends and styles than here in Thailand (I'm only nearing 30 years old now, so I guess that's why these things are more relevant/important to me).

But despite missing the place so much, I had a good Thai girlfriend here who made it all better. I'm not a bar-going person, so we only go dancing in a club once a month. Hanging out with her friends and her was enough to keep my social needs satiated, since I was busy with work (internet based) and music production (I'm a DJ on the side) anyway.

So it all went well enough, till I started feeling that my Thai girlfriend is taking me for granted. Because she has a job for herself, I don't give her any money monthly. All I do is take of the rent, our meals, and buy her some clothing once in a while.

I wanted to give her a better standard of living, because I saw her family home and thought it was sad. But I never gave her too much, just as I advise people here.

Even so, over the past 2 months I've felt like she doesn't talk to me as nicely or not even in a normal tone of voice sometimes, even though I maintain the same level of communication and warmth to her as I did from the start.

She used to say "thank you" for the simplest things that I helped her with, but now she doesn't anymore. Now she just asks me whatever she wants, sometimes even without any warmth. Perhaps she's forgotten how she used to live.

Did I end up spoiling her? Maybe I did. But I do know that I didn't lose or spend too much on her.

So I've almost 90% decided to move out of Thailand at the end of this year. I'm going to follow my heart and move to Indonesia. The only thing stopping me, that 10%, is the woman that I loved.

My best friend has told me to just leave, and never look back, he even thinks I should move out right away. But I can't do that because I'll feel bad that I gave her a better life for a while then left. And I don't want to tell her that I'm leaving because of her. Maybe she's not as perfect as she seemed when I met her so many months ago, but she never ripped me off, she never stole anything from me, she accepted it when I said no, she cared for me when I was down, she was faithful, and she was and still is a dedicated daughter who sacrifices a lot for her mother and family (like giving half her salary to them).

Even so, eventually I'm going to have to tell her. Because I'm not in love with this place. And worse, because I think I'm not in love with her.

[transam]

If she got a SNIFF of your thoughts of another venture then you are/were stuffed.

[Semper]

Why are you telling us this?

[BigJohnnyBKK]

I greatly admire you for putting yourself out on the line and opening up like this, good on ya.

Please don't take this the wrong way, I in no way mean to denigrate your GF, but it's quite possible she's been realizing that she can do better than you wrt the financial security side of things, or maybe even the short-term lifestyle issues.

She'll be fine, no way will she go back to the sad state you found her in, she's young and strong and most likely attractive and smart. Once she gets over the outrage and shock that you've left she may very well come quickly to the conclusion that she's better off and feel relief to be out of a relationship that she also realizes doesn't have a long-term future.

Your friend is right, a clean break the sooner the better, follow your heart and get out of dodge. Whatever you do don't stretch things out thinking you're letting her down easy - think like how you have to remove a bandage quick and sharp and only then can the healing start.

Do get any breakable valuables out of reach before you break the news just in case she goes all psycho bitch on you, you'd be surprised how quick the jekyll/hyde switch can kick in.

Best of luck!

[Bangkokhatter]

Tell her the truth, you want to leave Thailand because you prefer to live in Indonesia. Johnnies post makes a good few points also, she will be fine, but be aware some of these ladies don't take too kindly to being dumped. Try the it's not you, it's me routine..worked once for me.

Slightly off-topic ( sorry ) but i am complete opposite, whenever i go to Indonesia for work I can't wait to leave..different strokes i suppose.

[BigJohnnyBKK]

Try the it's not you, it's me routine..worked once for me.

Actually best strategy is to come up with a way for her to come to the decision herself, but that may take a bit of doing depending of course on a lot of factors only you can judge. Maybe make the move to Indonesia a done deal and you're assuming she'll want to come along - but only if you're 100% sure she wouldn't want to - actually even if she did, she wouldn't stay unless she reeeeeeally loves you, but that's of course a pretty unfair scenario.

Otherwise more than hearts will get broken along the way, I'd say 80+% of the time in my experience. Some consider it the coward's way out but the cleanest break IMO is to just disappear, leave some dosh behind with a note.

[arthurwait]

Book your ticket , end all utilities contracts and just leave. Don't leave money, you don't owe her anything. Her having a better life isn't your responsibility.

If she can't be bothered to treat you as an equal then why respect her. Just leave.

Yet another person in this country that can't grow up and cut the apron strings. You will always come second or third or fourth...... to however many thick as two short planks family members they will always respect more than you.

Leave now before it goes on any longer or you get tied down to her.

[Beetlejuice]

You have two options:

Either invest and put resources into being with your girlfriend permanently or drift off to wherever your desires take you.

As for expecting her to say; thank you" for the simplest things, is that for real? She is probably giving up hope on a relationship that she sees as going nowhere for her and is feeling downhearted.

What you really want is someone that will fit in with your schedules and lifestyle without any compromise on your part. Are you an only child and spoilt by your parents, someone who always got his own way? As it appears you haven`t developed mentally yet into a muture minded person.

It`s make your mind up time, <deleted> or bust as the wise man says. It`s a tough life.

Edited November 7, 2012 by Beetlejuice

[arch77778]

Why have you not ask her why her behaviour has changed towards you.Perhaps she is looking for a way out which will make things easier for you.

Edited November 13, 2012 by bonobo
un-bolded the font

[Chads]

Why are you telling us this?

I just felt I had to share this with some people other than my best friend. I know we may never each other in real life, but looking at some of the replies to this, I think it was well worth it opening up.

[Chads]

As for expecting her to say; thank you" for the simplest things, is that for real? She is probably giving up hope on a relationship that she sees as going nowhere for her and is feeling downhearted.

What you really want is someone that will fit in with your schedules and lifestyle without any compromise on your part. Are you an only child and spoilt by your parents, someone who always got his own way? As it appears you haven`t developed mentally yet into a muture minded person.

I didn't mean she has to say thank you for the simplest things now. What I meant is that she was really thankful for everything in the start, and now it seems like anything I do for her isn't even deserving of a genuine smile.

I don't know why she thinks the relationship is going nowhere for her though, cause I do take care of almost all her needs - except giving her a lump sum of money every month. She's also struggling to build a home for her mum back in her home province, which I sometimes help a little with financially. So if she really thinks going somewhere for her means showering her with money and paying for every expensive thing she brings up, then I guess that's not the kind of relationship I want, even if I could afford it.

Anyway, I'm not an only child, I'm the first of 3 children and I was never spoit. In fact, I grew up during the time my parents were at their poorest. I don't think I'm immature because I've been working and living independently for far longer than the friends I grew up with, but I would agree that I don't have as many years of experience as many of you here.

The only upside about this whole matter is that I guess I'm lucky that I'm still relatively young, giving me time to learn and start anew.

Edited November 7, 2012 by Chads

[farang000999]

she will have another farang by the time your plane lands. there is a very long line of them, dick in hand.

Edited November 7, 2012 by farang000999

[BigJohnnyBKK]

She will have another farang by the time your plane lands. there is a very long line of them, dick in hand.

Substitute "sponsor" or "sugar daddy" for "farang" above and quite possibly true but in this case most likely not, and a bit harsh and crude IMO.

Main point is I can't believe how so many of us fool ourselves into thinking we honkies are top of the food chain, stop kidding yourselves.

She'd do much better financially with an Asian foreigner, and often the wealthy Thais pay as much or more than most of us do.

The TGs may enjoy our company for reasons other than money, but they are usually making a financial sacrifice for the privilege.

[yermanee]

Relationships go sour. Happens everywhere and contrary to what most are saying here, it's not always about money but many times it's just realizing that it isn't working like you thought it would.

Talk to her, you might find that she's also looking for a way out without hurting you.

Yermanee

[johna]

You have to sit down and talk this out with your girl friend, it sounds like you have already made up your mind but need approval to go through with it.

Stuff happens in life, you need to do the right thing before moving on.

[BigJohnnyBKK]

You have to sit down and talk this out with your girl friend

Fine advice, but even if the cause of her distancing herself has been her realization of or even desire for the coming split, don't expect it to be a calm, rational or productive discussion, unless she's a very very unusual girl for here.

Some people don't mind big emotional drama scenes; personally I'd rather get a root canal without anaesthesia. But that's just me, if you don't mind them by all means feel free to do it gangnam style.

[mogandave]

See ya.

[mogandave]

Is it just me, or do all of these kind of posts always get around to talking about how bitchin’ the OP is?

[trainman34014]

Honest post OP and I wish you well whatever you decide to do. If 'love' is only 10% of the reason that you are staying then your 'love' life with this woman is on the way to oblivion anyway. As suggested by others, I would tell her just before I did the off. Some 'nice' Thai girls turn into your worst enemy once they think you are dumping them. Be careful and stay cool.

[BigJohnnyBKK]

Is it just me, or do all of these kind of posts always get around to talking about how bitchin’ the OP is?

Where I come from bitchin' usually means "excellent", often in the sense of being very attractive, similar to "hot, as in smokin' "

I assume that's not what you had in mind; could you clarify?

[Chads]

You have to sit down and talk this out with your girl friend

Fine advice, but even if the cause of her distancing herself has been her realization of or even desire for the coming split, don't expect it to be a calm, rational or productive discussion, unless she's a very very unusual girl for here.

Some people don't mind big emotional drama scenes; personally I'd rather get a root canal without anaesthesia. But that's just me, if you don't mind them by all means feel free to do it gangnam style.

Firstly I might have to comically clarify that I'm not a "farang", I'm an Asian foreigner. And yes, she's young and attractive, and if you'd allow me to mention, so am I. I have had many other options but I chose her, because I saw how poor her family is and how hard she works and sacrifices to support it (I saw that as a good quality and a reflection on her character).

Like I said before, she gives 50% of her salary to her widowed and sickly mother, who is paying the bills for an extended family of aunts and cousins who are mostly freeloaders and drunks. Her dream is to build a small home for her mother and her to stay in, and move away from that old family home her late father built (even the cops come over sometimes because of the stupid crimes those cousins of hers commit).

As for talking to her, I unexpectedly had a chance to do that last night. She was repeatedly replying in a bad way when I was trying to tell her about cleaning up after she's done, so I replied with "Alright, I don't want to talk about this anymore."

I wasn't really that angry, I just wanted to let her know she's really pushing it. I rarely let myself get angry or have fights with people, that's been my nature at home, with friends, and at the workplace.

So I went to bed, and she kept asking me if I'm angry. I told her no I'm not, I just wanted to tell her something and it's so hard to do that sometimes. A few more lines exchanged and she went to shower, slamming the door after her. I just said, "Well suit yourself" to myself, and tried to sleep.

She later got into bed and asked me if I want to talk about anything. So I told her I wasn't so angry, but I do think especially over the past 2 months, she's not been talking to me like she used to. I told her that my mannerism towards her hasn't changed, but hers has.

She said that was just her way of "joking". And yes, she does have a slightly abrasive way of joking with her friends, but the way she does it with me doesn't seem playful at all really. She said over time, she got closer to me and got to know me a lot more like her long time friends so she treats me the same way. She said if I don't like her talking loudly (that's the way she describes it), she'll stop.

I told her that I appreciate her treating me like one of her close friends. But I don't want her to stop the way she's talking completely, because that's what she's comfortable with. I told her that talking "loudly" to me is fine sometimes, but not all the time. I told her that I smile and talk to her nicely or in a normal tone of voice almost all the time, but she doesn't. Again she said she was only joking, and that she'll stop talking like that totally. I told her no, that's not what I want.

All through that conversation in bed, she sounded like she was going to cry. I do believe she doesn't want to let go of this relationship. Does my financial support have most or everything to do with it? I hope not.

Edited November 8, 2012 by Chads

[BigJohnnyBKK]

You've already stated that you don't love her. She probably realized that long before you did, saw the handwriting on the wall and has been waiting for the other shoe to drop for a long time.

Believe me even the dumb ones have got incredibly sharp radar when it comes to emotional rice-bowl issues.

Now that your own thinking along these lines has been solidifying into concrete ideas about what you'd like to do, she's responding appropriately to the impending breakup. None of this has anything to do with how wonderful a person she might be, what her motives might be etc, all that's irrelevant isn't it?

All of this IMO simply reinforces what I wrote earlier so I'm not going to repeat myself.

[cheechoo]

sounds like another where the girl had one thing in mind and it wasnt love. When will these clowns ever learn.

Feeling sorry for a girls familys poorness is not a valid reason th move the girl in.................lol.

[Chads]

You've already stated that you don't love her. She probably realized that long before you did, saw the handwriting on the wall and has been waiting for the other shoe to drop for a long time.

Believe me even the dumb ones have got incredibly sharp radar when it comes to emotional rice-bowl issues.

Now that your own thinking along these lines has been solidifying into concrete ideas about what you'd like to do, she's responding appropriately to the impending breakup. None of this has anything to do with how wonderful a person she might be, what her motives might be etc, all that's irrelevant isn't it?

All of this IMO simply reinforces what I wrote earlier so I'm not going to repeat myself.

I did love her. I've only started thinking 3 days ago that maybe I don't anymore. I hope you'll believe me when I say that she wouldn't have realized that long before me, because even up to earlier this week, my positive feelings for her have been made clear.

She surely couldn't have thought that there's going to be an impending breakup 2 months ago when her change in behavior started. Trust me, I was totally fine with her.

As for how to leave, I think leaving suddenly without telling her in person, and just leaving a note on the table is going to be really sad. I know she's going to be terribly hurt by such a thing, and I don't know how I could sleep at night after doing such a thing. But as others have mentioned, the unpredictability of her reaction to it if I do it face-to-face does seem scary.

Edited November 8, 2012 by Chads

[arthurwait]

If she loses you she has less money to send home to the alcoholic leeches, she's building a house and paying for them as you are indirectly, by paying for her living expenses - rent and food. As that's all she would really spend her money on.

She's using you as are the leeches who have already most likely told her to guilt you into giving them money directly or get another farang that will.

If you really want to find out the truth tell her she needs to contribute a few thousand to rent and a few thousand towards food.

[Chads]

sounds like another where the girl had one thing in mind and it wasnt love. When will these clowns ever learn.

Feeling sorry for a girls familys poorness is not a valid reason th move the girl in.................lol.

Maybe you're right. And if you want to call me a clown, go ahead because I don't really know you and neither do you. But I know myself, I've mindfully not spent too much on her, I've enjoyed my stay here, and having her stay with me has given me great company.

Edited November 8, 2012 by Chads

[farang000999]

I hope she is on birth control.

[Chads]

If she loses you she has less money to send home to the alcoholic leeches, she's building a house and paying for them as you are indirectly, by paying for her living expenses - rent and food. As that's all she would really spend her money on.

She's using you as are the leeches who have already most likely told her to guilt you into giving them money directly or get another farang that will.

If you really want to find out the truth tell her she needs to contribute a few thousand to rent and a few thousand towards food.

Thing is, she hates those leeches. She often talks about the problems they cause her mother back home, even to her friends (I can understand Thai). And that's precisely why she wants to move her mum out of that house. So I highly doubt she's going to do anything for that bunch.

The reason why I don't have her contribute to rent and food is because I wanted her to have more money to save for building the home.

[farang000999]

She can talk about hating them all she wants but she will never escape them nor abandon them.

[yermanee]

OP (who knows the girl BTW) claims she's hardworking and supports her family in whatever way she can.

Still many posters here find it necessary to put her in a negative daylight without even knowing the girl.

I wonder why ?

I'll stick to my original advice i.e. be a man and talk to the girl, she deserves at least that.

Jeeezzzz.

Yermanee