Forever the bad guy

[Beetlejuice]

Remember this golden rule:

In Thailand, we never lend money, we only give money, although they may call it a loan to make it sound more justified, they really mean, will you give or buy this for me.

So in fact, if you lend money or give credit, do not expect to ever see any of that money again, either in part or whole. This is something I have learned from experience over the years.

[thequietman]

A few useful tips:

You give a hand - they want an arm.

Enough is never enough.

One step back - you start a journey in an opposite direction.

Re-educate your wife or she will re-educate you.

He is her son not yours - what about his father? - would your own son ask for you to buy his girlfriend a ... something?

Give me, now give to my son, now give to my mom... and you are 'Bob's your uncle'.

Thai culture... hmm... and what about yours?

If you still have to ask advice on the subject - you are a goner anyway... Why don't you trust your own feelings? Need approval? Whose?

BTW if once I was told that I'm a bad guy - wouldn't stay one day longer with the woman - 'go and find a better one' is my position.

You make some very good points but this type of behaviour has very little to do with Thai "culture".

They wouldn't dream of demanding this sort of thing from a THAI man.

Why?

For fear that his inevitable refusal might be a dam_n sight more offensive and painful than an expletive. And that's if they could land a solvent Thai man willing to even CONSIDER rasing someone else's offspring.

They will, however, try it on with a farang for the simple reason that they think they can get away with it.

Why?

Because, sadly, the hordes of desperate farang men that have come and gone before us here in Thailand have raised the expectations Thai women have of a union with a Westerner.

I am not one of those but I do feel your pain brother.

[thequietman]

For the OP, it appears you are on the family's <deleted> list at the moment and everyone is giving you the cold shoulder. Sounds like a perfect time to pack a bag and take an unannounced holiday for a few weeks to somewhere that the beer is cold, the beach is beautiful and people appreciate your custom. If when you return their attitude has not changed, then you know where you stand. Give an inch and they take a mile.

Thats a great idea ! Only thing is, I have to go to work Monday. But thanks for putting the thought in my head ya Basterd.

[YeahSiam]

A few useful tips:

You give a hand - they want an arm.

Enough is never enough.

One step back - you start a journey in an opposite direction.

Re-educate your wife or she will re-educate you.

He is her son not yours - what about his father? - would your own son ask for you to buy his girlfriend a ... something?

Give me, now give to my son, now give to my mom... and you are 'Bob's your uncle'.

Thai culture... hmm... and what about yours?

If you still have to ask advice on the subject - you are a goner anyway... Why don't you trust your own feelings? Need approval? Whose?

BTW if once I was told that I'm a bad guy - wouldn't stay one day longer with the woman - 'go and find a better one' is my position.

You make some very good points but this type of behaviour has very little to do with Thai "culture".

They wouldn't dream of demanding this sort of thing from a THAI man.

Why?

For fear that his inevitable refusal might be a dam_n sight more offensive and painful than an expletive. And that's if they could land a solvent Thai man willing to even CONSIDER rasing someone else's offspring.

They will, however, try it on with a farang for the simple reason that they think they can get away with it.

Why?

Because, sadly, the hordes of desperate farang men that have come and gone before us here in Thailand have raised the expectations Thai women have of a union with a Westerner.

I am not one of those but I do feel your pain brother.

No pain here, cuz.

No interest in marrying a Thai let alone one with children from a previous dalliance.

[Scottythai]

Remember this golden rule:

In Thailand, we never lend money, we only give money, although they may call it a loan to make it sound more justified, they really mean, will you give or buy this for me.

So in fact, if you lend money or give credit, do not expect to ever see any of that money again, either in part or whole. This is something I have learned from experience over the years.

Thats why I like the Labor thing. If someone wants to borrow my money (Give) Then lets make a deal. There are always trivial jobs that take time. If someone truly needs the cash they will work for it. No such thing as a free lunch so why make it for a free lend.

[krisb]

Well since shes not getting a new laptop, can you get me 1?

[ava15]

Is this son of hers spoilt rotten by any chance?

Been in this kind of situation before.

Some perfect advice already mentioned in the replies prior. You know what to do!

Edited June 29, 2013 by ava15

[NeverSure]

That is a good idea and I've done comparative things to exert my authority in similar situations. Maybe actually pissing on it isn't such a flash idea, but sell it and keep the money.

Translation of "exerting my authority" does not mean I want any control over the extended family, but it means they can expect ZERO control over me or my grabout dtang.

EDIT: And if you have similar occurrences, reconsider your future.

"EDIT: And if you have similar occurrences, reconsider your future."

I don't know if this applies here, but I see so many guys who are basically broke from getting married, building a house, paying for a wedding, etc., that they can't just reconsider their future. They already cast it in stone.

No thanks.

Thanks for your concern. Be sure that I am not a gobshite and I have made plans for an event that causes me to "just walk away," See................ I do listen to advice on ThaiVisa foum. Its starting to be the norm and that is what concerns me. totally irrational with no long term thinking at all. When her sons around my wife turns into a complete ass. When he's gone she's as reasonable as any person. He's the first born and he knows his effect on her.

Sure, that's how it works. She marries a farang for the prestige of having an ATM. Then she loses face with her son when the ATM doesn't work. After all, that's what the family expected.

I'm convinced that most Thai women would really rather marry a Thai, but the Thai doesn't have an ATM. So she settles for the ATM. Then when she can't use the ATM to keep face with the family, she loses it.

I'd already have my bags packed.

[Rust Never Sleeps]

thequietman.

When I am my wits end, I find the best advice comes from a good friend.You might like what they have to say to you but from my experience they are right 99% of the time.

There is enough shit in this world that we cannot control but in this instance you can take control.

What ever you do, best of luck.

[hookedondhamma]

When you give, they ask for more.

Best not to give in the first place, then you are the arsehol_e who kept ALL his money.

This. And just to satisfy the other crowd, this happens everywhere and not just Thailand.

I see nothing wrong in helping out, but if notice a pattern where others don't consider your needs before asking for monetary assistance, only to label you as something not good when refused - the flag can't get any more red.

[kevvy]

welcome to the wonderful world of step families. if the son went to,the mother and asked her to ask you to buy the laptop on your credit card , that just tells you that you are not part of this boy's life. And for your wife to get the sh*ts , well you have to ask the question where are you on the list

below the dog or the cat .i really feel sorry for you as i have been there also . good luck in the future i am sure you will need it . dont mean to upset you if i did.

[YeahSiam]

Well, if the OP hasn't been foolish enough to build/buy her a house and a car, he could - feasibly - be showing her a clean pair of heels by this time tomorrow night.

[soi41]

The OP said: "She gets her housekeeping. No more." And later: "Friends and such, I can be quite frugal"

Maybe that is the problem! If you not were such a Cheap Charlie with the family, your partner would have a little money of her own, so she didn't have to beg "the master", for a relatively small amount to buy a laptop

[falkan]

dont tell me issan again ? 555

[alexander69]

Western Union who ever thought up that name??????

Funny that but too many in Thailand

C O D

[Beetlejuice]

Remember this golden rule:

In Thailand, we never lend money, we only give money, although they may call it a loan to make it sound more justified, they really mean, will you give or buy this for me.

So in fact, if you lend money or give credit, do not expect to ever see any of that money again, either in part or whole. This is something I have learned from experience over the years.

Thats why I like the Labor thing. If someone wants to borrow my money (Give) Then lets make a deal. There are always trivial jobs that take time. If someone truly needs the cash they will work for it. No such thing as a free lunch so why make it for a free lend.

Maybe in the perfect world, or was sometime in a bygone age, but not here in Thailand.

You see, those who consider themselves closely connected, such as children, nephews, nieces, cousins and family of the wife, believe that it is the duty of the rich farang family member to assist financially, without any onus on their part to pay back either through kind or by money, whenever they may require a hand out.

In my case I usually refuse and couldn`t give a rat`s behind whether they like me or not. These people can all sod off for all I care, as none of them have ever been or are, in a position to help me out if I required anything, not in any shape or form. The worst that can happen is that they stay away from me and leave me alone, which as already happened, because the word went around long ago regarding my attitudes to all this and I have lost nothing.

I once told my wife, if I run out of money or become down on my luck, who is going to care about me? It would be a case of; ahhhh what a shame, good luck, hope you manage to get yourself out of this, bye, bye.

It is up to each and everyone of you, when you decide to call time on no more hand outs. Over the last few years, I have had the perfect excuse. I just say; love to help, but the $ and £ is very bad at the moment and i don`t have any money.

Two options: either give in to pressure and hand over the dosh or just say no go. It`s that simple.

[pomchop]

The word NO is a word that a lot of kids worldwide should be told more often.

[wprime]

You should've gotten angry at the wife saying that you wanted to save money for their future, e.g. so you can afford to send them to a good uni.

[rubberduck]

The word NO is a word that a lot of kids worldwide should be told more often.

Even if this kid is your wife.

[Thaddeus]

You should've gotten angry at the wife saying that you wanted to save money for their future, e.g. so you can afford to send them to a good uni.

That is totally unrealistic, a good laptop could be had for less than the price of a flight to a country with a good university.

[TheSpade]

I'm convinced that most Thai women would really rather marry a Thai, but the Thai doesn't have an ATM. So she settles for the ATM. Then when she can't use the ATM to keep face with the family, she loses it.

I'm fairly confident that 99% of Thai women who shack up / hook up / get married to a farang do so because they cannot get a Thai man or at least can't get one that has what they want (usually money).

The reasons for them not being able to get a Thai man range from being unattractive, over weight, being a poor village girl, single mum.

There's some of who are none of the above but they tend to fall into the category of girls who cannot get a Thai man who has what they want...i.e. a similar level of education, prospects, money, good job and so on.

[chonabot]

It's all too technical for me, only been married for 16 years...

But I was a millionaire and now I sell timeshare plots in Isaan-on-sea......

Edited June 29, 2013 by chonabot

[MrRealDeal]

Your fault only is the sense of poor parenting , you can solve the problem with good parenting and letting kids know both parents need to agree to things not just one.

Edited June 29, 2013 by MrRealDeal

[chonabot]

Your fault only is the sense of poor parenting , you can solve the problem with good parenting and letting kids know both parents need to agree to things not just one.

But it is sadly to late when the step-children are in their teens. I had a similar issue when ....oh never mind

[hookedondhamma]

You should've gotten angry at the wife saying that you wanted to save money for their future, e.g. so you can afford to send them to a good uni.

You've never heard the phrase 'the future is uncertain' here in Thailand??

I agree about saving for the future.

But I don't agree about getting angry with Thai.

[guzzi850m2]

Find a lady with no kids and get your kids with her.

I did that after my first marriage here in LOS went belly up on partly the same reasons as OP's problems.

Just call me a selfish bastard but I am not really interested in kids other than my own.

In my current marriage things are very good, my wife think the family are the ones in our house and not so much her brothers & sister.

They are on their own as far as my wife is concerned. One time her sister asked to borrow 5000 baht and then asked for more,

but the sister found out the hard way that more money is not forthcoming before the first loan is paid back.

That is about 3 years ago and she haven't asked since and thankfully we live about 600 km's apart.

[johnnybgood]

Beetlejuice Quote

" In my case I usually refuse and couldn`t give a rat`s behind whether they like me or not. These people can all sod off for all I care, as none of them have ever been or are, in a position to help me out if I required anything, not in any shape or form. The worst that can happen is that they stay away from me and leave me alone, which as already happened, because the word went around long ago regarding my attitudes to all this and I have lost nothing ". EndQuote

That's about the best I"ve read.......... ever!

[kinda stuff that smart, experienced people put on the 'net a dozen years ago]

[cgphuket]

As long as the family think all foreigners are made of money they will always want. Whe I met my current wife I made it clear that my last divorce from my American wife took everything; I had no savings, no house back home, no 401k or trust fun. The only money I had was my paycheck and unlikely in this country that it would ever get very big. She agreed to be my wife and somewhere along the way told her family I was not an ATM. Now, if the family ever asks for anything she politely tells them to piss off. We cover the family expenses (food, rent, occasional trip to the movies or shopping) but have little buffer. I realize that my wife is rare in that she doesn't need to earn face by spoiling her family. Her priorities are us two, her son, our son together (both her parents are dead) and the family needs to sort themselves out. I think sitting with the wife and showing her the numbers made her realize that if we do for others we have to go without ourselves. If you have money and the family knows it, then maybe this strategy will not work for you.....

[pattayadingo]

And another possible reason for her anger / resentment could be the fact that after you got the first laptop on credit for her son, he started showing off. Great 'face' for him and the family. Peer pressure comes into play + he tells his g/f he will be able to get her a laptop too. Maybe he makes a promise to her in one of those 'loving' moments.

His mother says yes to the g/f having a laptop too when asked and off he goes to tell everyone. You are so generous in their eys now

Then big bad, mean, miserable sensible you put the stop on that.

You can imagine what was being said behind your back now

[Scottythai]

Well the title for this thread is better as it reads. Forever the Bad guy is much nicer than following everyones wish and becoming Forever the Broke Guy