Seperated from your kids, how did you experience it ?

[benalibina]

I am in a dire situation now with the possibility, against my will and strong desire, that i will not be able to raise and stay with my children. Anybody want to share experiences about how you went through ( the possibility of )it, how/when/if the children became interested again, or never, in you or maybe you just let it go and went on with your life. Maybe you have been only a holidayfather/mother, if so, how easy or difficult was/is that for you and your child(ren) ?

My kids are now 6 (twingirls)and 7 years(boy) old and through circumstances i have seen them once the last 2 years. I never in my life thought i would have to ask opinions about this subject but....... the reality is that it will be a likely outcome. I need to be realistic, although i will not give up yet.

People who never gave up to get full or shared custody and really fought for it, those experiences i am in interested as well ofcourse.

For whatever decision you ( had to ) make/made i am particularly interested what it did to you and if it changed your life, or outlook of it.

If people not want to elaborate on this forum about it, privacy reasons, please sent me a PM.

Thanks for for the willingness to share your experiences. ( any PM will be for my eyes only ! )

Please, as this is a delicate matter for me, only serious responses. Thanks again.

As this is Thaivisaforum, the children were born and live in thailand and stay at the moment, unforeseen period, with a familymember of the mother. No, i am not in the financial position to change that at the moment. Even if ever the mother would allow the kids to leave Thailand !

[Boo]

What a terrible situation for you all.

Your kids will cope, they might not hold you in the same affection as a father who sees them regularly but they will still love you.

I had a mostly absent father (his choice), he was incapable of being a father, he admitted it was something he should never had done but he got me & my sister out of a terrible marriage so he did the best he was capable of. We always knew he loved up, he never witheld that but he wasn't able to do the "normal" father duties that kids need & want. He died a few years ago & although we didn't have the kind of relationship with him that "normal" fathers had with their kids we still loved him & mourn his loss still.

In the situation of custody battles I would say write letters to your children & keep them for when you can have access. That way they will understand that the absence was not of your making.

I would never suggest "giving up". Within your capabilities fight for them & your rights to see them.

Good luck.

[Mario2008]

Were you marreid and is there a formal agreement or court order about the custody of the children? If so, it is difficult to change that.

Normally joint custody is the standerd in Thailand, but a parent can ask the court to not allow the children to leave Thailand. So you would need to live in Thailand. In Thailand you have a good chace of getting shared costudy, if there isn't an arrengement already.

Normal situation is that the children stay with one of the parents, so if the children stay with a reletive and not the mother you have a chance of becoming the prime care taker of the children.

But that all depend on your willingnes to live in Thailand.

Your best bet in your circumstances is to work things out with the mother, maybe through her family to have more access to the children. But as Boo pointed out, don't expect too much from it. You might not become a stranger to the children, but probably also not a lot more than not. But that they know you is important for your children.

[AnotherOneAmerican]

Walk away and never look back.

Hard to do, but best for you in the end.

[benalibina]

Walk away and never look back.Hard to do, but best for you in the end.

If i wanted to i could have done that years ago. But i cannot. Doing as you suggested, everybody his/her own, than, yeah than..........i just cannot. If i would not believe/know that i could a better job in most important aspects of their upbringing than the mother and her sister, i not need to pursue my quest. Its the only thing in my life i know i can do good and really want to do. But ignorance, evil and selfishness are in control now so............ i do not want that for my children that they unknowingly grow up in an environment like that. Your option is a sad 1 but maybe neccesarry. That is why i want to know about experiences from other TV members.

[benalibina]

Were you marreid and is there a formal agreement or court order about the custody of the children? If so, it is difficult to change that. Normally joint custody is the standerd in Thailand, but a parent can ask the court to not allow the children to leave Thailand. So you would need to live in Thailand. In Thailand you have a good chace of getting shared costudy, if there isn't an arrengement already. Normal situation is that the children stay with one of the parents, so if the children stay with a reletive and not the mother you have a chance of becoming the prime care taker of the children. But that all depend on your willingnes to live in Thailand. Your best bet in your circumstances is to work things out with the mother, maybe through her family to have more access to the children. But as Boo pointed out, don't expect too much from it. You might not become a stranger to the children, but probably also not a lot more than not. But that they know you is important for your children.

The family i do not have high hopes for that. Access no problem, i would guess but talking sense into my wife, ohhhh nooooo. Why is it important for the children to know me, according to you ? All well if i would not have been pushed in a ' fait accompli '. The situation is been forced upon me and the kids. Not married and have kids for that, to be played with. Not my standards. I have made many mistakes in my life, many, but disrespect and indescency and treated like p of s..t, i will never do that. True colours not always very beautiful !

[Mario2008]

1 post generalising woman removed.

[kikoman]

It is not an easy thing to do, I had a very bitter divorce and the mother was awarded custody of our (4) children and being without them was one of the hardest things I had to endure in my life, but go on with your life but keep in contact with your children never forget their birthdays and holidays.

Fast forward for 30 years, I have a great relationship with my grown children that are in their 40's. They can inter act with me more than their mother, as they know who was responsible for our separation, now I find myself protecting her to remain in my children's life. As she is the only mother they will have and it is best to keep in touch with her.

You never win by turning your children against the other parent!

By doing that you only hurt your children!

Good Luck in the long difficult road ahead of you! Keep the faith!

Cheers :

[tuky]

I received several sms's from my estranged wife's sister yesterday pretty much begging me to take the kids.

She says they do not have food, they are not going to school (they are 7 and 10) and their grandparents do not care for them.

Their Mother is in Singapore hunting for a sponsor, she has whittled away the 3 houses I bought spending the money on drugs.

I haven't seen the kids for 2 years as the death threats keep me away. I am certain the death threats are just a result of the wife smoking ice and lashing out but how to be certain?

Speaking the the grandmother last night she tells me hell will freeze over before they let me have my kids.

How can they hold the kids back like that? how can they knowingly condemn the kids to a substandard life?

Grandmother can offer Thai language only, state school if they are even going, a future limited to working in bars or if lucky at a 7-11.

I can give them English language skills, Chinese language skills, a good education, a future that they can determine for themselves.

Benabalina I can understand your feelings and the position you are in. Like you I am in a place that I do not know what to do.

The one thing I do know is that I think about them everyday, I worry about their future, I feel so bad for them that life has put them in such a horrible position, I feel helpless to help them.

Sorry I have no advice for you, but you are not the only one in this situation.

[Mario2008]

I received several sms's from my estranged wife's sister yesterday pretty much begging me to take the kids.

She says they do not have food, they are not going to school (they are 7 and 10) and their grandparents do not care for them.

Their Mother is in Singapore hunting for a sponsor, she has whittled away the 3 houses I bought spending the money on drugs.

I haven't seen the kids for 2 years as the death threats keep me away. I am certain the death threats are just a result of the wife smoking ice and lashing out but how to be certain?

Speaking the the grandmother last night she tells me hell will freeze over before they let me have my kids.

How can they hold the kids back like that? how can they knowingly condemn the kids to a substandard life?

Grandmother can offer Thai language only, state school if they are even going, a future limited to working in bars or if lucky at a 7-11.

I can give them English language skills, Chinese language skills, a good education, a future that they can determine for themselves.

Benabalina I can understand your feelings and the position you are in. Like you I am in a place that I do not know what to do.

The one thing I do know is that I think about them everyday, I worry about their future, I feel so bad for them that life has put them in such a horrible position, I feel helpless to help them.

Sorry I have no advice for you, but you are not the only one in this situation.

Based on your story you will have no problem getting costudy over the children, as the mother is not taking care of them.

The only thing that would stop a judge from placing the children in your care is if you are incappable or a danger to the children.

[benalibina]

I received several sms's from my estranged wife's sister yesterday pretty much begging me to take the kids.She says they do not have food, they are not going to school (they are 7 and 10) and their grandparents do not care for them. Their Mother is in Singapore hunting for a sponsor, she has whittled away the 3 houses I bought spending the money on drugs. I haven't seen the kids for 2 years as the death threats keep me away. I am certain the death threats are just a result of the wife smoking ice and lashing out but how to be certain? Speaking the the grandmother last night she tells me hell will freeze over before they let me have my kids.How can they hold the kids back like that? how can they knowingly condemn the kids to a substandard life? Grandmother can offer Thai language only, state school if they are even going, a future limited to working in bars or if lucky at a 7-11. I can give them English language skills, Chinese language skills, a good education, a future that they can determine for themselves. Benabalina I can understand your feelings and the position you are in. Like you I am in a place that I do not know what to do.The one thing I do know is that I think about them everyday, I worry about their future, I feel so bad for them that life has put them in such a horrible position, I feel helpless to help them. Sorry I have no advice for you, but you are not the only one in this situation.

How can they knowingly...... substandard life ? Fear of loosing face, ignorance, living an insular life, no empathy but most of all selfishness, i would say. In the developed world we regard raising kids properly is a responsability and a duty. Here, the bad families, see them as a means to an aim. They all say they love them, but b...shitt.

Is there nothing that you can do to just pick them up from grandma because for a familymember to call you it means that even to her standards it is really bad for your kids ? You live in Thailand now ?

If you want, you can PM me.

[theblether]

Don't walk away and never look back. That's a ridiculous thing to say.

You have to keep on an even keel. There's several things at play here, one of them being that your ex knows that she's hurting you by withholding the kids. I'm going to leave it to others with experience of the Thai court system to answer with their experience, I have no knowledge.

However I will tell you this Benalibina, you cannot control the uncontrollable, but you can control yourself. Get out of your bed every morning with an intention of improving your life, work hard, save, look after yourself and be the kind of man that any child would be proud of.

One of my best friends allowed this situation to control and destroy his life, no matter what I or my other friends said he disappeared into a life of alcoholism that made it even easier for his wife to paint him in a poor light, and more difficult for him to get any type of access. There started a vicious circle.

His son is now in his early twenties, and he wants nothing to do with his father as he's seen him at his worst through drink too many times.

When I went through my divorce, I promised myself that I would learn the lessons of my friend. I woke up every day, went to work and tried to improve my business, my life. It took a long time for me to realize that withholding my kids was a big game being played by my wife to hurt me, but once I did I accepted it and the hurt disappeared.

That drove my ex wild, she couldn't stand the idea of me getting on with my life. She was getting reports back about me not talking about her or the kids, planning new holidays, opening new shops, and going on fabulous holidays. That then caused an opposite reaction, she decided that the best way to put a spoke in my wheels was to suddenly insist I took the kids every weekend.

As the kids became teenagers they got their own lives, they didn't want to spend every weekend with their Dad and part of being mature about it was being there for them when they wanted me, and giving them the freedom to be with their friends as it suited them.

I can't promise you that you will get the same outcome that I did, but I can promise you that going down the road that my friend took, and too many guys take, will destroy any chance of a future relationship.

So I say, control the controllable, get out of your bed every morning with the intention of making your life better, and being the kind of man that would make your kids proud, You'll get them back one day, just make sure that they are proud of you that day.

[amykat]

That deserves x10 Likes, Blether!!

[benalibina]

Anymore experiences ?

[evadgib]

The OP/Brit dads in similar position may find this organisation useful:

www.fnf.org.uk

HTH

Edited July 31, 2013 by evadgib

[AnotherOneAmerican]

The OP/Brit dads in similar position may find this organisation useful:

www.fnf.org.uk

HTH

You have to pay to participate or view that forum.

That lot are all completely soft anyway, no help there even if you do pay.

[krisb]

Op, I really feel for you. Its something that can happen when your partner is from another country. I can't add much other than I would move to Thailand and find some work I think. Teaching comes to mind. I'd cross hell to be near my daughter. I'd probably speak to my embassy to see if they had any advice. I really hope you and your wife can sort something out and you certainly are not alone on this subject.

Try and stay positive, don't listen to any of those smarmy comments dropped, and all the best for you all.

[krisb]

Well said Blether! Nicely put.

[ExpatJ]

Don't live apart from your kids permanently ; don't put yourself in situation where you only see them once a year or less. If you dont spend time with your kids when they are aged 1-16, you will regret it for the rest of your life. Even if it involves putting up with a lot of other sh*t- it will be worth it just to be with or near them.

[jonjcuk]

Hi. I live in Thailand and have two kids with my now ex-wife (Thai). After a long and nsstcourt case, I have sole custody of both my children and am happily well shot of the mother, who, now that the court case and divorce case is finalised (unsurprisingly) has no interest in seeing or being involved with the kids.

That is fine with me as both kids are in a stable happy environment with their Dad, and in a good international school.

Don't believe what you may read about the mother (Thai) always walking away with custody. My experience would argue something very different, and that the court will look at what is in the best interest of the children.

[CWMcMurray]

When I was 4 my mother and father divorced and my sister and I lived with our father

My mom lived out of state and so we only able to visit an her about 1 month in the summer each year

What I can tell you is that growing up like this, I never hated my mom and still have a very good relationship with her as adults

So keep your head up OP... Just stay engaged as much as you can a ensure your kids know that you are trying and you love them

Even if you don't get to see them often, they will appreciate it.

After all childhood only lasts a very short time (all things considered) ... So as long as your kids know you are trying now, you have a whole life time together.

Once they get a bit older , they will be making their own decisions on where they want to live and who they want to see... So his stick it out a bit longer

Sent from my iPhone using ThaiVisa app

[benalibina]

When I was 4 my mother and father divorced and my sister and I lived with our father

My mom lived out of state and so we only able to visit an her about 1 month in the summer each year

What I can tell you is that growing up like this, I never hated my mom and still have a very good relationship with her as adults

So keep your head up OP... Just stay engaged as much as you can a ensure your kids know that you are trying and you love them

Even if you don't get to see them often, they will appreciate it.

After all childhood only lasts a very short time (all things considered) ... So as long as your kids know you are trying now, you have a whole life time together.

Once they get a bit older , they will be making their own decisions on where they want to live and who they want to see... So his stick it out a bit longer

Sent from my iPhone using ThaiVisa app

When the heart hurts everyday and contact is forbidden, this while knowing they are being raised by people who not have their best interest in mind, well...... not easy.