How to handle several Thai girlfriends at the same time?

[JLCrab]

Sure Ms. TangMo -- I know you'd like to stop by again tonight. But I like to have sex with LOTS of different women!

[Salapoo]

Well given all those "working online" and Thai girls who just want to throw themselves at guys just off the airplane, these 1985 lyrics by Mark Knopfler of 'Dire Straits' still ring true:

Actually you just say that you're working online during Western hours, your nights are already taken up 5-6 nights p/w.

As presumably one will already be settled in your condo and speak and understand a decent bit of Thai, it's just the type of young Westerner many young urban Thai women want to fling with.

Just off the plane, those are for the Isaan farming ladies. And they're probably not free.

Edited July 12, 2013 by Salapoo

[JLCrab]

I presume nothing.

[jpinx]

You never need to tell a lie, but you equally do not need to rub people's noses in reality.

Some basic survival rules ...

Don't take them to your apartment, there are plenty of decent cheap rooms available (350Baht per night or there-abouts) Find the rooms in your area of interest.

Have 2 mobiles - one number to give out to everyone and then to throw away when it gets too hot; the other for family and "real" friends (usually non-thai)

Don't let them introduce you to their brother, cousin, father, uncle, sister, friends, boyfriends of friends, etc, etc. They all look the same to you, but they will spot you from 500metres in a crowd if they are after you because of some "mis-understanding"

Be prepared to be totally mis-understood. Learn the basic phrases in Thai saying that you are only wanting a date and you do not want to get married.

Don't carry anything that you are not prepared to lose. Money, creditcard, phone, etc. Get a cheap'n'nasty phone for when you go on "dates" and don't forget to keep a copy of the addressbook on your laptop.

Never let your drinks out of your sight, preferably not out of your hand!

Be prepared for the most recent find to be the friend of some previous flame -- see rule above about not telling lies -- because they WILL cross check on you.

When you find one that you want to settle down with - dump her immediately and go back to "Go".

Edted to add --

Can anyone recommend medication for cynicism ?

Edited July 12, 2013 by jpinx

[JLCrab]

All the above makes sense as long as they want you more than you want them.

[jpinx]

All the above makes sense as long as they want you more than you want them.

Yes ---- hence the last "rule"

[JLCrab]

Yes -- and that also assumes one has a rather deep supply of those who in fact DO want you more than you want them. From the screenplay for Casablanca (Rick - Humphrey Bogart):

Captain Renault: Hello Rick.

Rick: Hello Louis.

Captain Renault: How extravagant you are, throwing away women like that. Someday they may be scarce.

But of course what did Bogart have on you?

[jpinx]

Yes -- and that also assumes one has a rather deep supply of those who in fact DO want you more than you want them. From the screenplay for Casablanca (Rick - Humphrey Bogart):

Captain Renault: Hello Rick.

Rick: Hello Louis.

Captain Renault: How extravagant you are, throwing away women like that. Someday they may be scarce.

But of course what did Bogart have on you?

You presented your scenario, so that's what the advice is based on.

It's up to you if or when you think that scenario has changed, and then different advice will be forthcoming!

It's that old problem of... "If you don't like the answer - don't ask the question."

[JLCrab]

What scenario? To me it's simple: A guy handles multiple girlfriends at once because he has not found any that are 'keepers'. And I don't believe one would find a keeper maybe as below and then say:Sorry, babe, time for me to move on to Rule One.

[glegolo]

Yes what more could be said about this stupid behaviour.. Leave the girlfriend behind and think that.... eauhhhhhhhh

i do not even want to end this post... So stupid and ignorant. Another one of those naive virgins coming from the west....

Glegolo

[amykat]

Boo took the words out of my mouth.

But seriously...if you must do this then as some have advised, be honest about it from day one.

However I have the definite sense from your posts that you are really wanting a relationship and even if you try to have several at once you will end up falling for one.

I think what you really need to do is re-evaluate how you are selecting girlfriends..where you are meeting these women and what sort of things you are looking for/attracted to. To have ended up cheated on in what were supposed to be monogamous relationships several times suggests you aren't moving in the right circles/selecting the right women. Either that or there is something in the course of the relationships that's off. If you are n Thailand only temporarily with intention of leaving for an extended period/no intention to stay or to marry, that may be a factor that leads GFs to start looking for alternatives. Or maybe you are, unintentionally, just repeatedly falling for the wrong type.

I'm totally for honesty, but not in this situation. I've discovered it is a big disadvantage to be the only honest person in a group of "whatevers." I think Thai people expect lies, so they expect it from us as well. We can be 100% honest, but will still get treated like 90% of what we say is a lie. (Except maybe in the case of longer term relationships, not necessarily love relationships, just people who have gotten to know you over YEARS and have had the chance to confirm you show up when you say, you pay when you say, your stories seem true, the "lies" they follow up on, turn out not to be lies ...etc.)

Personally, I have decided that I WILL lie if it suits me, but I just haven't really had the chance or need to lie about anything! dam_n it! I also am not a good natural liar. I really DO want to tell some lies just to get in the game and feel like I got some payback! But as of yet, nothing has occured to me ...my boring life!

I agree though, that if you really want a nice relationship and are a nice, good, moral person, you might keep finding yourself disadvantaged here with Thai ladies. So, WHY don't you date NON-THAI women?? I hear we Western ladies here are all desperate for men, and we tend to be honest, and faithful ... so since you are still young enough to get one ...why not try that route out before you get too old, and too discouraged and find yourself, possibly, only dating hookers, so you won't be let down. Save that for your 60's+.

Edited July 12, 2013 by amykat

[Salapoo]

A guy handles multiple girlfriends at once because he has not found any that are 'keepers'.

Or has come out of a long-term relationship and wants to add some notches.

That was the case with me, I told 'em all straight, unfortunately I can't commit to a relationship because of my (make believe) job that took up 5-6 nights p/w and would see my out of BKK more than in it.

If my current long-term relationship (she wasn't subjected to such behaviour) was to end I would do the same again for a year or two.

[Byebyethaifornow]

You never need to tell a lie, but you equally do not need to rub people's noses in reality.

Some basic survival rules ...

Don't take them to your apartment, there are plenty of decent cheap rooms available (350Baht per night or there-abouts) Find the rooms in your area of interest.

Have 2 mobiles - one number to give out to everyone and then to throw away when it gets too hot; the other for family and "real" friends (usually non-thai)

Don't let them introduce you to their brother, cousin, father, uncle, sister, friends, boyfriends of friends, etc, etc. They all look the same to you, but they will spot you from 500metres in a crowd if they are after you because of some "mis-understanding"

Be prepared to be totally mis-understood. Learn the basic phrases in Thai saying that you are only wanting a date and you do not want to get married.

Don't carry anything that you are not prepared to lose. Money, creditcard, phone, etc. Get a cheap'n'nasty phone for when you go on "dates" and don't forget to keep a copy of the addressbook on your laptop.

Never let your drinks out of your sight, preferably not out of your hand!

Be prepared for the most recent find to be the friend of some previous flame -- see rule above about not telling lies -- because they WILL cross check on you.

When you find one that you want to settle down with - dump her immediately and go back to "Go".

Edted to add --

Can anyone recommend medication for cynicism ?

Thanks for taking the time to put together this comprehensive post. It is a valuable "DATING GUIDE" and Im sure this is what it will take to be successful at having multiple girlfriends. I know many guys and girls who follow your advice to the letter. You wrote a very informative, well written and thought out post, and thanks again.

However, after reading your post, and seeing what living that life might entail, I think I would prefer not to be living that type of life. It almost seems like the way a guy needs to behave who is cheating on his wife. Secrecy, avoidance, elusiveness. evasion. Not for me, never has been. But I know so many people who it works for.

I have met my past gf's on Thai dating websites. Easier because most speak and write english, and most know what to expect from a westerner, and some know that it might not be a forever relationship. But so many girls dont want to be "holiday" girls, and it seems those are the girls I am reaching out for. But the 2 girls that cheated on me wanted serious relationships, and then cheated on me when I went back.

Im not sure what to do now. Thanks everyone for all the great advice.

Edited July 12, 2013 by Byebyethaifornow

[sustento]

Well report my post to the mods who will remove my post insulting ALL THAI women and sorry if you feel insulted but not all of us thai visa members are native english speakers .

My apologies.

[Ricedout]

Boo took the words out of my mouth.

But seriously...if you must do this then as some have advised, be honest about it from day one.

However I have the definite sense from your posts that you are really wanting a relationship and even if you try to have several at once you will end up falling for one.

I think what you really need to do is re-evaluate how you are selecting girlfriends..where you are meeting these women and what sort of things you are looking for/attracted to. To have ended up cheated on in what were supposed to be monogamous relationships several times suggests you aren't moving in the right circles/selecting the right women. Either that or there is something in the course of the relationships that's off. If you are n Thailand only temporarily with intention of leaving for an extended period/no intention to stay or to marry, that may be a factor that leads GFs to start looking for alternatives. Or maybe you are, unintentionally, just repeatedly falling for the wrong type.

I'm totally for honesty, but not in this situation. I've discovered it is a big disadvantage to be the only honest person in a group of "whatevers." I think Thai people expect lies, so they expect it from us as well. We can be 100% honest, but will still get treated like 90% of what we say is a lie. (Except maybe in the case of longer term relationships, not necessarily love relationships, just people who have gotten to know you over YEARS and have had the chance to confirm you show up when you say, you pay when you say, your stories seem true, the "lies" they follow up on, turn out not to be lies ...etc.)

Personally, I have decided that I WILL lie if it suits me, but I just haven't really had the chance or need to lie about anything! dam_n it! I also am not a good natural liar. I really DO want to tell some lies just to get in the game and feel like I got some payback! But as of yet, nothing has occured to me ...my boring life!

I agree though, that if you really want a nice relationship and are a nice, good, moral person, you might keep finding yourself disadvantaged here with Thai ladies. So, WHY don't you date NON-THAI women?? I hear we Western ladies here are all desperate for men, and we tend to be honest, and faithful ... so since you are still young enough to get one ...why not try that route out before you get too old, and too discouraged and find yourself, possibly, only dating hookers, so you won't be let down. Save that for your 60's+.

so your a singleton then Amy?

Sent from my iPhone using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

[JLCrab]

Well I'm not going to go through the quote routine but I guess one way to make a girl feel real special is to take her to and expect her to dis-robe for you in a 350 baht per night hotel room. Also, telling a girl you've recently had your heart broken and that you're semi-damaged goods so only wanting her as short term is a line that could work long-term.

[Ajaan]

Stop meeting girls in bars. Problem solved.

[JLCrab]

Stop meeting girls in bars. Problem solved.

Right -- Stick to online dating service where they say: Attractive independent Thai female with good job and education seeks butterfly.

[jpinx]

You never need to tell a lie, but you equally do not need to rub people's noses in reality.

Some basic survival rules ...

Don't take them to your apartment, there are plenty of decent cheap rooms available (350Baht per night or there-abouts) Find the rooms in your area of interest.

Have 2 mobiles - one number to give out to everyone and then to throw away when it gets too hot; the other for family and "real" friends (usually non-thai)

Don't let them introduce you to their brother, cousin, father, uncle, sister, friends, boyfriends of friends, etc, etc. They all look the same to you, but they will spot you from 500metres in a crowd if they are after you because of some "mis-understanding"

Be prepared to be totally mis-understood. Learn the basic phrases in Thai saying that you are only wanting a date and you do not want to get married.

Don't carry anything that you are not prepared to lose. Money, creditcard, phone, etc. Get a cheap'n'nasty phone for when you go on "dates" and don't forget to keep a copy of the addressbook on your laptop.

Never let your drinks out of your sight, preferably not out of your hand!

Be prepared for the most recent find to be the friend of some previous flame -- see rule above about not telling lies -- because they WILL cross check on you.

When you find one that you want to settle down with - dump her immediately and go back to "Go".

Edted to add --

Can anyone recommend medication for cynicism ?

Thanks for taking the time to put together this comprehensive post. It is a valuable "DATING GUIDE" and Im sure this is what it will take to be successful at having multiple girlfriends. I know many guys and girls who follow your advice to the letter. You wrote a very informative, well written and thought out post, and thanks again.

However, after reading your post, and seeing what living that life might entail, I think I would prefer not to be living that type of life. It almost seems like the way a guy needs to behave who is cheating on his wife. Secrecy, avoidance, elusiveness. evasion. Not for me, never has been. But I know so many people who it works for.

I have met my past gf's on Thai dating websites. Easier because most speak and write english, and most know what to expect from a westerner, and some know that it might not be a forever relationship. But so many girls dont want to be "holiday" girls, and it seems those are the girls I am reaching out for. But the 2 girls that cheated on me wanted serious relationships, and then cheated on me when I went back.

Im not sure what to do now. Thanks everyone for all the great advice.

I totally agree with your reluctance to live a life of secrecy and evasion, hence my recommendation that honesty should prevail. The trick is to answer any contentious question honestly but briefly and do not volunteer any possibly contentious information. This is what I meant by not rubbing people's noses in the truth, because a lot of people actually are very happy to have areas they are ignorant about, and they know they are doing this. It's an emotional survival technique.

I am genuinely sorry you had problems with Thai girls in the past, but I can only say that most Thai girls are gorgeous and hot, so they need daily attention. I do know of some who are waiting faithfully, but the vast majority are cheating while their main boyfriend is away. In short, if she is not actually with you, she will be getting the attention she needs from someone else. Probably the only fix is to go through the process of getting her a visa and taking her with you.

Just to be clear - I am advising based on my experiences from many years ago. It worked well for me and the outcome is that I don't need to use that technique anymore, but the transition is tricky

Good luck -- we all need it

[JLCrab]

Maybe we just run/ran in different circles but if you offered, upon first meeting, to take the girls that I know to a 350 baht per night (or per fling) hotel room, they might utter line Dustin Hoffman used (in drag) in the movie Tootsie:

Listen, you take your hands off me or I'll knee your balls right through the roof of your mouth!

[Sheryl]

I think your problem boils down to intrinsic contradiction in what you want.

You don't live in Thailand/have no clear plans to do so. You are looking for a Thai GF to be with you just when you are here on holiday...but you want it to be a mongamous and substantive relationship during that time.

Doesn't work. A girl who will be mongamous with you will want more than a holiday fling. And it sort of sounds like you want more too, just don't want to commit to it.

I suggest some introspection to sort out clearly what it is you want and can reasonably expect.

[jpinx]

I think your problem boils down to intrinsic contradiction in what you want.

You don't live in Thailand/have no clear plans to do so. You are looking for a Thai GF to be with you just when you are here on holiday...but you want it to be a mongamous and substantive relationship during that time.

Doesn't work. A girl who will be mongamous with you will want more than a holiday fling. And it sort of sounds like you want more too, just don't want to commit to it.

I suggest some introspection to sort out clearly what it is you want and can reasonably expect.

I agree - but therein lies the nub of the problem. Many people "think" they know what they want, but in reality they haven't a clue or it changes frequently. Every day opens their eyes to a "new" way of living their life and off they go to try it. Great fun, but no chance of any long lasting monogamous relationship. ...... or is that "monotonous" ???

[JLCrab]

Or, in other simpler words, they don't know that they don't know they don't know what they want.

[Byebyethaifornow]

You never need to tell a lie, but you equally do not need to rub people's noses in reality.

Some basic survival rules ...

Don't take them to your apartment, there are plenty of decent cheap rooms available (350Baht per night or there-abouts) Find the rooms in your area of interest.

Have 2 mobiles - one number to give out to everyone and then to throw away when it gets too hot; the other for family and "real" friends (usually non-thai)

Don't let them introduce you to their brother, cousin, father, uncle, sister, friends, boyfriends of friends, etc, etc. They all look the same to you, but they will spot you from 500metres in a crowd if they are after you because of some "mis-understanding"

Be prepared to be totally mis-understood. Learn the basic phrases in Thai saying that you are only wanting a date and you do not want to get married.

Don't carry anything that you are not prepared to lose. Money, creditcard, phone, etc. Get a cheap'n'nasty phone for when you go on "dates" and don't forget to keep a copy of the addressbook on your laptop.

Never let your drinks out of your sight, preferably not out of your hand!

Be prepared for the most recent find to be the friend of some previous flame -- see rule above about not telling lies -- because they WILL cross check on you.

When you find one that you want to settle down with - dump her immediately and go back to "Go".

Edted to add --

Can anyone recommend medication for cynicism ?

Thanks for taking the time to put together this comprehensive post. It is a valuable "DATING GUIDE" and Im sure this is what it will take to be successful at having multiple girlfriends. I know many guys and girls who follow your advice to the letter. You wrote a very informative, well written and thought out post, and thanks again.

However, after reading your post, and seeing what living that life might entail, I think I would prefer not to be living that type of life. It almost seems like the way a guy needs to behave who is cheating on his wife. Secrecy, avoidance, elusiveness. evasion. Not for me, never has been. But I know so many people who it works for.

I have met my past gf's on Thai dating websites. Easier because most speak and write english, and most know what to expect from a westerner, and some know that it might not be a forever relationship. But so many girls dont want to be "holiday" girls, and it seems those are the girls I am reaching out for. But the 2 girls that cheated on me wanted serious relationships, and then cheated on me when I went back.

Im not sure what to do now. Thanks everyone for all the great advice.

I totally agree with your reluctance to live a life of secrecy and evasion, hence my recommendation that honesty should prevail. The trick is to answer any contentious question honestly but briefly and do not volunteer any possibly contentious information. This is what I meant by not rubbing people's noses in the truth, because a lot of people actually are very happy to have areas they are ignorant about, and they know they are doing this. It's an emotional survival technique.

I am genuinely sorry you had problems with Thai girls in the past, but I can only say that most Thai girls are gorgeous and hot, so they need daily attention. I do know of some who are waiting faithfully, but the vast majority are cheating while their main boyfriend is away. In short, if she is not actually with you, she will be getting the attention she needs from someone else. Probably the only fix is to go through the process of getting her a visa and taking her with you.

Just to be clear - I am advising based on my experiences from many years ago. It worked well for me and the outcome is that I don't need to use that technique anymore, but the transition is tricky

Good luck -- we all need it

I think you hit the nail on the head in my particular situation. Saying that the girls I have met "need daily attention" is very accurate, I feel like as soon as I get on the plane they know I am not coming back, even though I come back every time. And I have always supported them in my absence, but they cheated anyway.

Further to your post, I have found my ex gf's to enjoy things they can touch, material things, for the moment when they are lonely, if they cant touch you, then you dont exist at the point in time and they will find someone who they can touch. This is what I call high maintenance. They deal with overseas relationships by finding someone local to touch until their overseas bf gets back. Its sneaky and despicable behavior from a western or biblical point of view, but it seems to work for my Thai ex gf's.

I would love to be touching local girls when Im away from Thailand but its just not in my DNA. Thats why I just dont understand why they do it to me, why they dont exercise self restraint like I do, but as you said they are young and hot and need attention, not to mention they think they can get away with it without me finding out. There is just such a moral abyss when it comes to my ex gf's perspective, she felt that if I didnt find out about it, then it never really happened (in her mind), but as soon as I found out about it, she concurred that it did happen. But she never never apologized. That is one more thing that I looking for my next gf, the ability to admit she did something wrong and then show remorse about it and even apologize.

[Byebyethaifornow]

I think your problem boils down to intrinsic contradiction in what you want.

What I want now is influenced largely from my negative attempts at monogamous long distance relationships in the past with 3 different women in 3 different relationships. What I had was a monogamous relationship on my end, but a polygamous relationship on her end. Does a monogamous relationship have to end just because Im not there? Well, it did for them as soon as I left. Literally 1 day after I got on the plane she was in the bed of another man. 1 single day. So the relationship continued but the monogamous part ended. Trust goes out the window, anger contempt and disrespect set in, then theres really nothing left until I go back and try to salvage what we had before. But I continue always to support them. That never stops.

You don't live in Thailand/have no clear plans to do so. You are looking for a Thai GF to be with you just when you are here on holiday...but you want it to be a mongamous and substantive relationship during that time.

I have tried to get Visas for 2 different girls, but the first girl found out that it could take a year, and started cheating. The second one had a criminal record in Thailand, my embassy frowned upon it and that was the end of her Visa, but I stayed with her 6 months after that. So I have tried to reduce the amount of time apart, but just chose the wrong women.

Doesn't work. A girl who will be mongamous with you will want more than a holiday fling. And it sort of sounds like you want more too, just don't want to commit to it.

I suggest some introspection to sort out clearly what it is you want and can reasonably expect.

I have committed to 3 prior relationships in LOS. Long term, monogamous. Introspection? Is that what I need? At this point I want to stop banging my head against the wall. It feels so much better when I stop.

I know what I want. Just trying to figure out how to get it, and Jpinx's posts are helping me get started. I might not be able to be as good at it as others are, but this time I am going to try to date a bunch of different girls without committing, try to find the one that I can trust and that wont make me want to jump off a bridge after she cheats, and one that actually feels bad and admits it after she makes a mistake. And doesnt repeat it.

[Byebyethaifornow]

Stop meeting girls in bars. Problem solved.

I have never dated a bar girl. And I dont frequent bars. Maybe I should start.

[Byebyethaifornow]

Stop meeting girls in bars. Problem solved.

Right -- Stick to online dating service where they say: Attractive independent Thai female with good job and education seeks butterfly.

I have found my last 3 gf's online, mainly because I dont speak Thai ( I need to learn). Most girls are honest about who they are, but I know that if in a womans profile she has a picture of her sitting drunk in front of a bottle of Johnny Walker, then its probably not going to work for me. I dont drink that much and dont go out to bars to drink.

[jpinx]

.............................................There is just such a moral abyss when it comes to my ex gf's perspective, she felt that if I didnt find out about it, then it never really happened (in her mind), but as soon as I found out about it, she concurred that it did happen. But she never never apologized. That is one more thing that I looking for my next gf, the ability to admit she did something wrong and then show remorse about it and even apologize.

The moral, cultural and linguistic abyss is vast, very real, and causes 99% of the problems in cross-cultural relationships. I can only suggest that you stop imposing *your* standards on your girls. Try to learn their standards and then work within them -- or walk away. They don't expect you to change, so you should not expect them to change either -- thus avoiding an endless succession of disappointments.

You will find that after you have the "explaining" conversation, and you have fathomed the dubiously evasive answers correctly - life will suddenly get a lot easier.

Edited to add ....

There is absolutely no need to go to bars unless you are 100% ready for that scene and *everything* it entails. There are umpteen lovely ladies in markets, malls and even in the street. If you are presentable and they are available - they will smile at you. Respond in kind and off you go.......

Edited July 13, 2013 by jpinx

[Byebyethaifornow]

.............................................There is just such a moral abyss when it comes to my ex gf's perspective, she felt that if I didnt find out about it, then it never really happened (in her mind), but as soon as I found out about it, she concurred that it did happen. But she never never apologized. That is one more thing that I looking for my next gf, the ability to admit she did something wrong and then show remorse about it and even apologize.

The moral, cultural and linguistic abyss is vast, very real, and causes 99% of the problems in cross-cultural relationships. I can only suggest that you stop imposing *your* standards on your girls. Try to learn their standards and then work within them -- or walk away. They don't expect you to change, so you should not expect them to change either -- thus avoiding an endless succession of disappointments.

You will find that after you have the "explaining" conversation, and you have fathomed the dubiously evasive answers correctly - life will suddenly get a lot easier.

Edited to add ....

There is absolutely no need to go to bars unless you are 100% ready for that scene and *everything* it entails. There are umpteen lovely ladies in markets, malls and even in the street. If you are presentable and they are available - they will smile at you. Respond in kind and off you go.......

Another great post. Thanks for your insights and advice. I might try it your way the next time I come and see how it goes. It will certainly be a different experience than what I have been doing the past few times.

I especially liked your quote " I can only suggest that you stop imposing *your* standards on your girls. Try to learn their standards and then work within them -- or walk away. They don't expect you to change, so you should not expect them to change either -- thus avoiding an endless succession of disappointments."

This time I will try to work within their standards and see how it goes.

[JLCrab]

I will just add here my oft used line: How do you find lovely ladies in Thailand? You don't. They find you.