What the hell is the matter with people?

[loong]

I am not a strange farang, I have been her Father and main carer for the last 6.5 years. Biological or not, she considers me to be her Father.

What she and you consider is not relevant in any country.

I suspect the only legal connection you have, is you are the guy sleeping with her mother.

Being legally married to her mother counts for nothing.

Unless you went down some legal route to become adopted parent or guardian, your official status with her is zero.

Same as it would be in the UK, USA, Australia or anywhere else.

Always weirds me out a bit, guys who sleep with a woman (in any country) then begin to imagine they have some property rights over that woman's children.

We are not discussing legalities here, just what is right.

Please note that you have quoted my response to another post

Probably the little girl may be considering herself much much closer to her biological uncle than to a strange farang.

Oh, and I should also point out that he is not her biological uncle, but the guy who sleeps with her biological aunt.

It wierds me out that you think it acceptable not to inform a parent when taking out a child just because there is no biological or legal connection between the parent and child.

[bunnydrops]

I know times are changing but in small town America, often the kids go with neighbors if they are going swimming or into town without informing the parents--- There is still some trust left.

[benalibina]

I know times are changing but in small town America, often the kids go with neighbors if they are going swimming or into town without informing the parents--- There is still some trust left.

After it has been earned 1st. Most likely.

[bunnydrops]

I know times are changing but in small town America, often the kids go with neighbors if they are going swimming or into town without informing the parents--- There is still some trust left.

After it has been earned 1st. Most likely.

It used to be innocent until proven guilty

[Samaaw]

Stepdaughter,being the key.

No one cares what you think,its not your daughter.

Harsh maybe,reality certainly.

to a point I don't agree with this - people just don't think in Thailand most of the time anyway

[mad mary]

I find it hard ,no unbelievable that many of you just accept the Thai mentality ...<deleted> it's a Child .My guess is there is a sexcase or 2 on here!!

[Globeman]

To many Thais you wouldnt even be considered "family", whereas the Uncle is and why would anyone report to you ? I know this as I was in the same situation, 8 years ago none of my now family could speak Engkish and I spoke little Thai, no one in the family has ever telephoned me, only the wife, everything goes through her, its not a deliberate bypass its just easier for them to communicate that way.

Although I am far from fluent, I do speak Thai. Communication is not a problem.

But I do understand what you are saying. I am an outsider, and do not need to be considered

Maybe, maybe not. Try to see it this way:

You sent your stepdaughter to her uncle and cousin. When you checked up for her, she was still in the due care of her uncle and cousin. Maybe the just did not think about telling ANYbody that they go out, because they did not expect you to show up and check for her...

but it seems that your wife also was not informed that your uncled decided to take the two kids with him... would that not qualify your wife also as "not needing to be considered"?

next time, tell your stepdaughter that if their is a change of plan / location that she either calls you or she insists that your relatives call you... problem solved without a need to get a heart attack...

Yes, the usual immediate smattering of "farang outsider, no respect - what do you expect?" ... bloody nonsense. As you pointed out, the mother evidently was not informed either. Anyone who has been here for a few years and worked and/or lived with Thai people has probably noticed that they just don't tell you anything - or EACH OTHER - it has nothing to do with being a foreigner. So telling the stepdaughter to inform him probably won't sink in (unless she gets 50 baht every time she lets him know)... It doesn't appear to be in the Thai nature to say, "Just off to the shop for some smokes, dear - back in ten!" They reckon nobody will notice them gone, or it's not anyone's concern.. .lord knows I've tried to figure it out.

It took me years to get my wife to leave a note if she was out before I got back... or call... and to tell me if she is popping out for more than a few minutes - I do the same for her (though I hate telling her I am going to the shop, because she always has some mental shopping list for me, often involving feminine hygiene products).

It was the same with employees... "Why didn't you tell me that cheque for Bt500,000 came in? I've been waiting for that to pay off other people who want to lynch me." .... "I didn't want to disturb you..." "I'm the managing director!! it's my job to be constantly disturbed!" Eventually they started coming around... at first they told me everything - including the most trivial crap, but eventually worked out what was important for me to know - took a concerted campaign of six months.

[RogueLeader]

In before some self righteous farang says all thais don't care about you and ignore the fact that ppl from their countries do the same thing too.

I can't speak for the rest of Europe, but in Britain if you took a child without informing their guardian - whatever nationality - you'd be liable to arrest for kidnap.

Edit: sorry, didn't realise that someone else had already made the same point.

Edited October 15, 2013 by RogueLeader

[dao16]

In the countryside, the children are pretty much free-range after about 7 or 8. They disappear with their friends or other family members without a word for hours at a time. The whole massive village network knows the kids, who their parents and grandparents are, etc. They have so much local knowledge it is hard to fathom as a Westerner. I have seen family members essentially holler out across the way and various people respond from all directions and eventually they usually piece together where they have gone. That's just how it is. When I am there, I let the social network do its job. My stepson likes to go to the temple with his friends and talk to the monks or help them and the daughter likes to run down to the internet shop and chat/use facebook the super-slow internet connection as long as her 15 baht lasts.

As far as a foreigner not having respect as a stepfather, that is total bunk. I have authority over the children in my house (we live in town). What I say goes as I pay the way and everyone knows it. If they don't wish to live that way, they can easily go back to the village with grandma and grandpa, whom they love very much. They choose not to. I also have some limited authority over my nieces and nephews and I tell them to stop something if I don't like it and their parents let me (all reasonable things). They actually say "You are being rude to uncle."

You can also set limits with other people by explaining that you became very concerned when you couldn't find your daughter. This issue seems important to you, so maybe you should sit down and talk to the uncle and make it a thing about how it freaked you out, etc. and to give you a call next time. Most people are reasonable. My approach, though, is to let the Thai social network do what it does when we are out there. I am definitely important as the stepfather, but I don't have the eyes and ears of the 100 or so households in the village that seem to keep an eye out for each other (a lot of them are relatives, as well).

EDIT--of course, all of this would fly out the window if we were in a large city or town.

Edited October 15, 2013 by dao16

[Swiss1960]

In before some self righteous farang says all thais don't care about you and ignore the fact that ppl from their countries do the same thing too.

I can't speak for the rest of Europe, but in Britain if you took a child without informing their guardian - whatever nationality - you'd be liable to arrest for kidnap.

Edit: sorry, didn't realise that someone else had already made the same point.

Yes, it has been written before, however in the OP situation, it does not make it less BS than when it was written before:

1) The OP knew and agreed that his stepchild goes to the cousin and uncle, therefore he implicitly agreed and transferred the duty for supervision of the underage stepchild to the uncle

2) The uncle had to (or decided to) go to work or what ever other place (does not matter at all) and decided to take the kids with him. If he would have left them at home without suvervision, he would have acted negligent and would have been subject to severe punishment by law if something would have happend to those underage kids.

I agree with the OP that the uncle could / should have called him, however using the word "kidnapping" is just utter BS and nothing else, whether in Thailand or the UK.

[johnlandy]

To many Thais you wouldnt even be considered "family", whereas the Uncle is and why would anyone report to you ? I know this as I was in the same situation, 8 years ago none of my now family could speak Engkish and I spoke little Thai, no one in the family has ever telephoned me, only the wife, everything goes through her, its not a deliberate bypass its just easier for them to communicate that way.

Although I am far from fluent, I do speak Thai. Communication is not a problem.

But I do understand what you are saying. I am an outsider, and do not need to be considered

And, you are not welcome, you are disliked, even to the point of being hated.

Thailand is the most xenophobic country on the planet.

[Roadman]

I am not a strange farang, I have been her Father and main carer for the last 6.5 years. Biological or not, she considers me to be her Father.

What she and you consider is not relevant in any country.

I suspect the only legal connection you have, is you are the guy sleeping with her mother.

Being legally married to her mother counts for nothing.

Unless you went down some legal route to become adopted parent or guardian, your official status with her is zero.

Same as it would be in the UK, USA, Australia or anywhere else.

Always weirds me out a bit, guys who sleep with a woman (in any country) then begin to imagine they have some property rights over that woman's children.

We are not discussing legalities here, just what is right.

Please note that you have quoted my response to another post

Probably the little girl may be considering herself much much closer to her biological uncle than to a strange farang.

Oh, and I should also point out that he is not her biological uncle, but the guy who sleeps with her biological aunt.

It wierds me out that you think it acceptable not to inform a parent when taking out a child just because there is no biological or legal connection between the parent and child.

Property rights over a child? A poster further up was being polite with weird. Perhaps the rights of a Step Dad while not being legal are more real to the child involved than that of the long time absent father and now probable stranger sleeping with some other stranger to that child.

Agree Loong. I would be p!ssed and balling uncles and aunts out as well.

Edited October 15, 2013 by Roadman

[Andre0720]

They just do not care here.

It is in their genetic code....

[joboss]

To many Thais you wouldnt even be considered "family", whereas the Uncle is and why would anyone report to you ? I know this as I was in the same situation, 8 years ago none of my now family could speak Engkish and I spoke little Thai, no one in the family has ever telephoned me, only the wife, everything goes through her, its not a deliberate bypass its just easier for them to communicate that way.

Although I am far from fluent, I do speak Thai. Communication is not a problem.

But I do understand what you are saying. I am an outsider, and do not need to be considered

Maybe, maybe not. Try to see it this way:

You sent your stepdaughter to her uncle and cousin. When you checked up for her, she was still in the due care of her uncle and cousin. Maybe the just did not think about telling ANYbody that they go out, because they did not expect you to show up and check for her...

but it seems that your wife also was not informed that your uncled decided to take the two kids with him... would that not qualify your wife also as "not needing to be considered"?

next time, tell your stepdaughter that if their is a change of plan / location that she either calls you or she insists that your relatives call you... problem solved without a need to get a heart attack...

My wife was not informed because they knew that she would be back home before my wife finished work.

I have now made it clear to my stepdaughter and other family members that if they take my daughter out anywhere, they will clear it with me first.

This should not be necessary!

Sorry you had a heart wrenching moment. It was necessary. Ground rules are. Please don't assume that others can guess yours.

[dao16]

To many Thais you wouldnt even be considered "family", whereas the Uncle is and why would anyone report to you ? I know this as I was in the same situation, 8 years ago none of my now family could speak Engkish and I spoke little Thai, no one in the family has ever telephoned me, only the wife, everything goes through her, its not a deliberate bypass its just easier for them to communicate that way.

Although I am far from fluent, I do speak Thai. Communication is not a problem.

But I do understand what you are saying. I am an outsider, and do not need to be considered

And, you are not welcome, you are disliked, even to the point of being hated.

Thailand is the most xenophobic country on the planet.

Umm....it can be pretty xenophobic, but I could point you to some others that top it if you would like to try them out.

[dunque]

To many Thais you wouldnt even be considered "family", whereas the Uncle is and why would anyone report to you ? I know this as I was in the same situation, 8 years ago none of my now family could speak Engkish and I spoke little Thai, no one in the family has ever telephoned me, only the wife, everything goes through her, its not a deliberate bypass its just easier for them to communicate that way.

Although I am far from fluent, I do speak Thai. Communication is not a problem.

But I do understand what you are saying. I am an outsider, and do not need to be considered

And, you are not welcome, you are disliked, even to the point of being hated.

Thailand is the most xenophobic country on the planet.

Umm....it can be pretty xenophobic, but I could point you to some others that top it if you would like to try them out.

I am sure there are plenty of xenophobes - most of them contribute here regularly.

[HUAHIN62]

Teach your daughter that if she change her wherabouts she must let you know. If she asked the uncle to phone you to let you know she was going with him, he would have done it and you wouldnt be stressed out. If you do that you will have less stress later in life.

[7by7]

As others have said; you placed the child in the care of a relative, that relative decided to take her, and his own child, out. They later all returned home perfectly safe.

You say that your wife wasn't informed because they knew the girl would be back home before your wife was. Did they know your location, what you were doing and when you'd be back?

You say a phone call later confirmed the girl's location. Phone call to whom? Her? The uncle? If you were so worried, why didn't you make that call before doing anything else?

Kidnapping? Don't be ridiculous.

If the same happened in the UK and you reported it to the police the only question is whether or not they'd do you for wasting police time; after they'd stopped laughing.

I hope that you have learned your lesson. If this sort of thing worries you so much then every time your step daughter goes out tell her to phone you, or get a responsible adult to phone you if she doesn't have a phone, if her plans change.

[umbanda]

I will be even more protective. If I care for the safety of a young girl, I will never will allow males alone to take her for any reason, even if they are family. Period!

[hellodolly]

My girls have always come to me and tell where they are going, or that they are at home, any family member that comes to the house will come to my refrigerated room to Sawadee me. I have never asked them to do that they have just always done it., From day one I have always respected them and they have always returned the respect, even the girls father when he is to take them somewhere he always has them come in to tell me where.

Many say you will never be respected by the Thai family, maybe in their case it is true, and many attempt to tell me the same that I will never be accepted, I know that is wrong, as I have always been treated with respect and accepted into the family.

You reap what you sow, if you sow respect that is what you reap, If you sow disrespect and mistrust that is what you will reap!

Good Luck,

Cheers:

Excellent post

I myself am some what of a loner yet as far as my wife's family goes I am a part of it. If there is a family outing I have no vehicle but am given the front seat even the mother in law rides in the back. When ever the doughtier and son in law come around with the grand children I am given a Thai hello and when they leave a Thai goodby. The 10 year old is learning hello and goodby. I have been here so long that they sound strange to me.

It is like several posters have pointed out they do not make much difference between parent and Aunt or Uncle. doing it in GB would have people thinking you were a child molester. I know a women here who thinks Thai kids are raised like they are in California. I just shake my head.

People just have a hard time accepting the fact that Thailand is different and stress them selves out trying to use the values of their home land instead of Thai values.

[lucjoker]

If you want to know how much people care for you and how much ?

Count your money,the more money ,the more respect ,but only if you share it

with them .

For the rest dont believe in fairytales.

[lucjoker]

If you want to know how much people care for you and how much ?

Count your money,the more money ,the more respect ,but only if you share it

with them .

For the rest dont believe in fairytales.

[jacko45k]

In before some self righteous farang says all thais don't care about you and ignore the fact that ppl from their countries do the same thing too.

I can only speak for the UK and i can tell you that nobody would take a child out somewhere without informing and getting permission from the parent or guardian. To do so would be considered as kidnapping!

Please give examples of the countries that people take children out without informing the parents or guardian where it would be considered normal or acceptable.

Thailand....

[mjj]

I will be even more protective. If I care for the safety of a young girl, I will never will allow males alone to take her for any reason, even if they are family. Period!

Trust me, that statement doesn't make you sound too bright.

[hellodolly]

There was another thread running about the difference in Thai cultures. A man abandoned his family when they were young 30 years ago never turned a hand to help them. Now he is dying and they are all coming in to support him in his end days.

I try to live by the idea that Thai's are neither right nor wrong just different. It saves me a lot of aggravation.

Except they do drive on the wrong side of the road most of the time.

[Swiss1960]

Except they do drive on the wrong side of the road most of the time.

Yes, 99% of them... I think they are all suicidal

[Malthus101]

NEVER.

MARRY.

A.

THAI.

[Swiss1960]

If you want to know how much people care for you and how much ?

Count your money,the more money ,the more respect ,but only if you share it

with them .

For the rest dont believe in fairytales.

Looks like money is the only thing that makes you "handsum"... speakes volumes about you... other people - like me - have personality and have gained respect of Thai people without having to spread money...

[Suradit69]

In before some self righteous farang says all thais don't care about you and ignore the fact that ppl from their countries do the same thing too.

I can only speak for the UK and i can tell you that nobody would take a child out somewhere without informing and getting permission from the parent or guardian. To do so would be considered as kidnapping!

Please give examples of the countries that people take children out without informing the parents or guardian where it would be considered normal or acceptable.

"I can only speak for the UK and i can tell you that nobody would take a child out somewhere without informing and getting permission from the parent or guardian. To do so would be considered as kidnapping!"

And in the UK if a family member did something you considered thoughtless but not with bad intentions, would you or your wife speak to him calmly, explaining why you felt upset, or would you go on some local message board announcing to a host of strangers that this relative was a kidnapper?

It's impossible to say, since we don't know about your family situation or the relationship you have with the person who went off with your step-daughter, but unless you have a history of being ignored and disrespected, it was probably just a misunderstanding. Misunderstandings tend to occur in the absence of communication. Communication takes at least two people. If your step-daughter doesn't know enough to keep you informed of her whereabouts or others in your family don't realize how hyper you can get, maybe you need to inform them. The fact that you feel the need to vent on a public forum suggests there's room for improvement or that you're grasping for sympathy that's missing closer to home.

[shrimpythailand]

Loong - yes you have the right to know where your stepdaughter is.... first time ok... have your wife set the rules down...taking the neice to the corner store is one thing - taking her out for the day and not telling family what is going on is something else... first time ok... set the rules down via your wife and you should be ok... even your wife should wan to know where the girl got to...mai pen rai only goes so far here anyway... many thai's would not put up with their daughter or son going off for a few hours with the uncle without knowing what the heck is going on...let you wife sort it out and add any other rules you need laid down as well with the in laws and rellies over who takes who where and for what and how long.... not acceptable even for most thais to not know where the young one is.... i have been here 12 years - no kinds but have grandson etc... even if he is off with his dad's family everyone knows... but then maybe I am the last one to find out if I want to do something with him...5 5 5