What do I do now?

[joehugh]

Five years ago, I was divorced and feeling lonely so I met a 27 year old Thai girl on the Internet, started chatting with her for a couple months, then took a trip over there to meet her. We hit it off and I married her 2 years later, thinking I would get a visa and bring her over to the States. Turns out, she forgot to tell me she served a 3 year prison sentence for selling yabaa when she was 17years old. Obviously, she was denied the marriage visa and deemed inadmissible to the USA for life. The worst thing is, I have a one year old daughter with her and she told me If I divorce her, I will never get to see her again. She won't even let my daughter visit my family in the U.S. because she is afraid that I wouldn't bring her back.

She wants me to quit my job and move to Thailand and live with her forever. But the plan was for her to come to the U.S. and live with me. I'm only 49 years old, I have a 15 year old son and 17 year old daughter that I would miss terribly if I did that. The many trips to Thailand over the past 5 years, 15 in all, has been a financial drain to my savings. I am not rich by any means, I pay $2,000 a month child support to my ex-wife, I send $400 a month to my wife in Thailand and my credit cards are all maxed out.

I don't know what to do. I have invested a lot of money in her and her family, Built a home, opened a restaurant, bought land in her name, car, motorbike....I can't just walk away now, Can I?

Honestly, I think if I had taken a homeless woman off the streets of New York and gave her everything that I gave my wife, I would be a lot happier today.

[wooloomooloo]

Does the restaurant business make enough money to support you, your wife and child? And, do you love her?

[joehugh]

Its a small restaurant and does 40,000 baht every month. I do love her and I enjoy her company and my daughter, but she is extremely jealous. When I'm over there and I go for a ride, I get the 3rd degree when I come back. where did you go? You go with lady? You <deleted>> someone??? or when I'm talking on the phone she snatches my phone out of my hand to listen to who I'm talking to. I hate that, but I'm used to it now.

[telldem]

Sorry to hear about your situation. Only you can choose what to do about it. But if it was me, I would cut my losses, divorce her and be there for my daughter.

[wooloomooloo]

You have a home with your wife and a small business. I take it you mean 40,000 baht profit? If so, this is a good start.

Is there scope for another small business? That would make two small businesses.

Who knows if you were resident in LOS with her and your child that she might calm down on the jealousy. I can't answer that, but also worth your consideration.

[wooloomooloo]

But if it was me, I would cut my losses, divorce her and be there for my daughter.

The OP did state that his wife has threatened that he will never see the child again if he divorces her. If his wife carried through her threat, then Thailand being Thailand, there's every chance that he will never set eyes on either of them again.

[joehugh]

40,000baht is gross sales every month, profit is more like 30,000baht / month. I guess I could open another small shop and sell stuff like 7-11. If I moved to Thailand, she would definitely be happier and I think the jealousy and manipulation would stop... I hope. But that is out of the question for at least another 6 years. I'm obligated by the court in the U.S. to pay child support until my children are 21 years old.

[benalibina]

Quite a profitpercentage of 75%, selling what if i may ask ?

It seems that you are in a catch 22 situation. You have been lied to, you have been blackmailed, you have invested money and heart, with a marriage and most importantly a baby as result.

How do you feel about it yourself ?

Thinking you know your limitations based on your financial obligations in USA.

Just accept that you have been taken for a ride and work something out regarding your kid. The latter upon your own wishes. Be aware she probably knows that youre a decent man. This is not in your favour unfortunately. If you want to take the child with you, do some checkings on the net regarding the paperwork for the kid and trick your wife so you can take the kid with you.

Good luck !

[joehugh]

Thanks. We sell regular thai cuisine, pad thai, papaya salad, khao pad,...etc. Vegetables are grown on the land, only have to buy meat, beverages and sauces. Mother in-law and wife do the cooking and father in-law helps out too.

I was devastated when I found out she couldn't live with me or visit me in America. She said the king pardoned her upon her release from prison, so she didn't think it would be a problem to go to america or to mention it to me before we got married.

She's a hard worker in the restaurant and takes good care of our daughter. I can only visit one month out of the year and I miss them a lot. She is also faithful and loyal to me, so I'm willing to stick it out and see what happens. Its just the jealousy I can do without because I don't cheat on her and I have plenty of opportunity to. So she should quit worrying and trust me.

My daughter is already a u.s. citizen, I got that sorted out a month after she was born. She has a us passport and social security number.

[joehugh]

Sorry to hear about your situation. Only you can choose what to do about it. But if it was me, I would cut my losses, divorce her and be there for my daughter.

Thanks, you have a beautiful daughter.

[benalibina]

You met a girl online, married her after many visits over a 2 year period. She FORGOT to tell you that she served a prisonsentence ??? Because she was pardonned by the king she thought no problem for a visa to US. She is loyal, faithfull, manipulative, a good mother, jealous, blackmails you. Also she has a nice house and business now, for which you paid !!

I leave it at that. You figure it out.

Sorry, and i really mean that but ...... i know myself how it feels.

[noikrit]

You may have custody rights to your daughter .. If you are on the birth certificate and where properly licenced marriage in thailand you have rights as the father ... Check out the details from a lawyer.. you may be pleasantly surprised .. CHOKDEE

[A1Str8]

With all due respect I must agree with your very last sentence. Other than that I have never understood things like..you will never get to see your daughter again etc. That is your daughter and who the ... she thinks she is to say something like that. Or that she doesn't let your daughter visit your family. The fact that you have been lied to clearly shows how much respect she has for you. Also, the emotional blackmail she constantly uses along with her extreme jealousy are obvious signs that she is an insecure person who desperately needs you for certain reasons. Do not mistake that for love. However, the choice is yours. Whatever your decision is going to be, I wish the best.

[Berkshire]

Hey Joe, just a little confused about something. You say that you've "invested a lot of money in her and her family, Built a home, opened a restaurant, bought land in her name, car, motorbike...." Yet, you're also saying that you were planning on taking her to the US all along. Why invest so much in Thailand if you had no intentions of sticking around?

[joehugh]

Sir, You are the troll. Aim that troll spray at yourself.

I did all those things for the future and so her parents could live comfortabley and have a steady income. They lived in an over seized chicken coup when I met them.

Read my post. I'm not ready to retire yet. I have obligations and I wanted her to live with me in the states first.

[joehugh]

With all due respect I must agree with your very last sentence. Other than that I have never understood things like..you will never get to see your daughter again etc. That is your daughter and who the ... she thinks she is to say something like that. Or that she doesn't let your daughter visit your family. The fact that you have been lied to clearly shows how much respect she has for you. Also, the emotional blackmail she constantly uses along with her extreme jealousy are obvious signs that she is an insecure person who desperately needs you for certain reasons. Do not mistake that for love. However, the choice is yours. Whatever your decision is going to be, I wish the best.

You are absolutely right. She also has temper tantrums like a spoiled child. I don't think she means half the things she days when she's angry like me never seeing my daughter If I leave.

She says the jealousy is a show of love and If she didn't love me, she wouldn't care who I talked to or where I was going.

[metisdead]

A troll post has been removed.

[telldem]

I'm sure, to an extent a lot of people have done the same for their girlfriend or wife's family. You see nice houses in the sticks next to old run down shacks. Young girls driving million baht cars. How do you think they obtained those things? I'm guilty of it too. Maybe its in our nature to want to "save" people less fortunate than ourselves.

Edited: For misspelled and missing word.

Edited October 30, 2013 by telldem

[mesquite]

I have never come across a topic on the internet that pulled at my emotions as much as this one does.

The OP’s wife made a mistake at age 17 and now, 15 years later, she is being forced by the US government to pay for that mistake. This is just bad luck. What 17 year old hasn’t made a mistake? She was reasonable in thinking her conviction wouldn’t make any difference, as she had been pardoned.

I would bet that, had she done identical drug-related activity in the US at age 17, her punishment would have been much less, perhaps probation, and quite possibly any conviction would have been expunged from her record by now. In the US we tend to forgive those who make mistakes when they are young. But apparently not in this case.

She seems to me to be a typical Thai woman. Heck, they’re all jealous and prone to temper tantrums. But I believe she would make good on her promise to never let the OP see his daughter again, should he divorce his wife.

I would vote against attempting to take the daughter to the US, even if he could get custody. There would be a lot of expense and dealings with Thai lawyers, hardly known for giving value for money.

OP, I can only think of two things that might help, and both are long shots:

- Get an immigration lawyer in the US to look into appealing the visa denial. This would probably cost some big bucks, though. A good lawyer can work miracles, and a miracle is what you need, IMHO. Perhaps there is a men's organization there in the US that could assist you if you decide to go this route.

- Consider a career change where you can earn money with an internet-based business. You could live in Thailand and periodically travel to the US to see your other children. I would research this idea thoroughly, though, as I’m sure there are scammers in the internet business field.

As I said these are long shots. But a long shot is better than no shot. I hope others can come up with better ideas.

Best of luck.

Edited October 30, 2013 by mesquite

[mesquite]

Oh, one more idea. Consider writing your congressman. Not in an angry tone, of course. Get him/her on your side. Lay out your case, perhaps emphasizing that your wife's mistake was at such a young age and she was pardoned (make sure these facts are indeed correct, though). Tell the truth as you did in your original post. Believe me, writing one's congressman sometimes works. They always want to help a constituent.

This, too is a long shot. But one phone call from one powerful person (your congressman) to another powerful person (maybe a State department official) could make all the difference. If you get your congressman on your side, he can move mountains.

Edited October 30, 2013 by mesquite

[benalibina]

With all due respect I must agree with your very last sentence. Other than that I have never understood things like..you will never get to see your daughter again etc. That is your daughter and who the ... she thinks she is to say something like that. Or that she doesn't let your daughter visit your family. The fact that you have been lied to clearly shows how much respect she has for you. Also, the emotional blackmail she constantly uses along with her extreme jealousy are obvious signs that she is an insecure person who desperately needs you for certain reasons. Do not mistake that for love. However, the choice is yours. Whatever your decision is going to be, I wish the best.

You are absolutely right. She also has temper tantrums like a spoiled child. I don't think she means half the things she days when she's angry like me never seeing my daughter If I leave.

She says the jealousy is a show of love and If she didn't love me, she wouldn't care who I talked to or where I was going.

Jealousy is desire to control. Not love. Eye of beholder !!

[ChrisB87]

I suppose there is no way for you to stay in the US and keep working for 6 more years until your kids are both 21 then move to Thailand. I am not suggesting you divorce her in case she carries out her threat, but try to keep her 'on-ice' with the current arrangement for a while longer. She should happy enough with that. It seems like a win-win for her really. (You're not divorcing her, she has her daughter, house, and restaurant, you will come for trips, after 6 years you will move permanently) She should see that you are the one suffering from this deal and cut you some slack.

I can't see any other way really.

[joehugh]

I have never come across a topic on the internet that pulled at my emotions as much as this one does.

The OP’s wife made a mistake at age 17 and is now being forced by the US government to pay for that mistake. This is just bad luck.  What 17 year old hasn’t made a mistake?  She was reasonable in thinking her conviction wouldn’t make any difference, as she had been pardoned.

I would bet that, had she done identical drug-related activity in the US at age 17, her punishment would have been much less, perhaps probation, and quite possibly any conviction would have been expunged from her record by now.  In the US we tend to forgive those who make mistakes when they are young.  But apparently not in this case.

She seems to me to be a typical Thai woman.  Heck, they’re all jealous and prone to temper tantrums.  But I believe she would make good on her promise to never let the OP see his daughter again, should he divorce his wife.

I would vote against attempting to take the daughter to the US, even if he could get custody.  There would be a lot of expense and dealings with Thai lawyers, hardly known for giving value for money.   

OP, I can only think of two things that might help, and both are long shots:

- Get an immigration lawyer in the US to look into appealing the visa denial.  This would probably cost some big bucks, though.   A good lawyer can work miracles, and a miracle is what you need, IMHO.  Perhaps there is a men's organization there in the US that could assist you if you decide to go this route.

- Consider a career change where you can earn money with an internet-based business.  You could live in Thailand and periodically travel to the US to see your other children.  I would research this idea thoroughly, though, as I’m sure there are scammers in the internet business field.

As I said these are long shots.  But a long shot is better than no shot.  I hope others can come up with better ideas.

Best of luck.

Thanks for the advice, but I've tried everything legally possible already:

"For the protection of the United States, people with histories of criminal or terrorist activities, drug abuse, infectious medical problems, or certain other characteristics will never be allowed a visa, green card, or U.S. entry. In immigration law terms, these characteristics are known as the grounds of inadmissibility. Following is a short, summary list of the major categories of inadmissibility. It includes a description of whether there's a chance of applying for an official waiver, which forgives or overlooks the inadmissibility problem in your case:

Major Grounds of Inadmissibility

Classes of Inadmissibility Waivers Available?

People with communicable diseases like tuberculosis

Yes

People with physical or mental disorders that

may cause harm to themselves or others

Yes

Drug abusers or addicts No

Drug traffickers No

People without proper vaccinations Yes

People with convictions for crimes involving moral turpitude Yes

People who have violated immigration laws Yes

Prostitutes Yes

People with multiple criminal convictions Yes

Spies No

Terrorists No

Nazis No

People likely to become dependent on

need-based government assistance"

I only get 4 weeks off from my job every year. When I visit my wife in Thailand, I'm in heaven, even with her jealous ways and all. The other 11 months away is a deep dark depression. That's why I'm torn up about this. Either be depressed for the next 6 years until I can make a permanent move to thailand, or divorce her and find someone new, or quit my job and my obligations of child support and become a fugitive from the law, going to jail If I ever set foot back in the U.S for non payment of child-suppport. Hence the title of this thread, "What do I do now?"

[adweb00]

Thanks. We sell regular thai cuisine, pad thai, papaya salad, khao pad,...etc. Vegetables are grown on the land, only have to buy meat, beverages and sauces. Mother in-law and wife do the cooking and father in-law helps out too.

I was devastated when I found out she couldn't live with me or visit me in America. She said the king pardoned her upon her release from prison, so she didn't think it would be a problem to go to america or to mention it to me before we got married.

She's a hard worker in the restaurant and takes good care of our daughter. I can only visit one month out of the year and I miss them a lot. She is also faithful and loyal to me, so I'm willing to stick it out and see what happens. Its just the jealousy I can do without because I don't cheat on her and I have plenty of opportunity to. So she should quit worrying and trust me.

My daughter is already a u.s. citizen, I got that sorted out a month after she was born. She has a us passport and social security number.

Correct me if im wrong but as your daughter is a U.S citizen that gives you right to file some sort of custody case in the U.S right? Seeing as you are getting threats etc etc May not be what you would like to do but could change someone's way of thinking. I have no idea about the law hence why am just asking!

Sent from my iPhone using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

[FiftyTwo]

I only get 4 weeks off from my job every year. When I visit my wife in Thailand, I'm in heaven, even with her jealous ways and all. The other 11 months away is a deep dark depression. That's why I'm torn up about this. Either be depressed for the next 6 years until I can make a permanent move to thailand, or divorce her and find someone new, or quit my job and my obligations of child support and become a fugitive from the law, going to jail If I ever set foot back in the U.S for non payment of child-suppport. Hence the title of this thread, "What do I do now?"

They don't renew your passport if you are in arrears for child-support.

You would need to move to Equador to get a passport from there first (or similar).

How about moving your Thai wife closer, say Mexico and visiting her there every weekend.

[malcolminthemiddle]

Thais often re-register themselves with a new name particular if they think their current name is unlucky.

[mesquite]

No law is cut and dried. Laws are for crowd control. There are always exceptions. I'd write my congressman if I were you.

She was pardoned. Richard Nixon was pardoned and therefore never spent a day in jail.

"A pardon is the forgiveness of a crime and the cancellation of the relevant penalty."

OJ Simpson murdered two people and was found not guilty. He should have gone to jail for the rest of his life.

Whatever you do, don't quit your job if you have a good retirement package waiting for you at age 55. Stick it out.

Edited October 30, 2013 by mesquite

[joehugh]

Thais often re-register themselves with a new name particular if they think their current name is unlucky.

She changed her last name to mine and the police report stayed with her in the computer.

[benalibina]

You know what to do. You know. You dont want to see it only. Understandable because you are a human being with desires, emotions and, by the reads of it, a good and responsible man who longs for love. You need to experience it all yourself. Mesquito has given you some advice. Try to follow that. We can all give you advice, some can feel what you are going through in this catch 22 situation. Every choice you make has many negative consequences. You only live once and ........

Before making a decision i would read many threads on this forum and the Family&children forum to get your situation more clear.

I truly feel for you.

Good luck.

[joehugh]

No law is cut and dried.  Laws are for crowd control. There are always exceptions. I'd write my congressman if I were you.

After 9-11, This one is. I wrote my Congressman and got a polite, sorry there is nothing I can do.

And the messed up thing about it is, it wasn't even her drugs. She told me she was with a male friend. The cops stopped them and he slipped the drugs in her bag. She told them that she didn't know how the drugs(40 yabaa tablets) got in her bag but they scared her into confessing saying they would give her 8 years in prison If she didn't admit they were hers.