menorah Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 As for saying a dowry is valid, I can assure you most 'modern & emancipated' Thais, view the old dowry as distasteful, not least of all because it directly echoes the past when Thailand was barely more than a feudal Kingdom and the people truly submissive. Absolute <deleted>, still very much a part of local tradition & culture, you're just imposing you own cultural programming making it into a moral issue. I'm sure you DEFINE "modern & emancipated" this way, but in fact in my experience only poor rural Thais are willing to go along with such crazy foreign notions because they know they'll more than make up for the loss down the road. Having attended the morning wedding ceremonies of a number of Thai - Thai weddings from village weddings upwards in the past couple of years I've seen money on show at all the weddings. It's usually a bowl with gold and a fan of money. Whether it's returned or not I haven't asked. I'm informed it's impolite to ask. Last year at the wedding of a member of the legal profession to a dentist I couldn't help but notice the brides new SLK mercedes on display. I'm happy to accept there are still a large number of Thais,at all levels of Thai society, who continue to hold on to the old ways. ive not attended a wedding for several years and on the occasions when I did there was no display of a large dowry but there was a Greek style of money pinned to the brides gown. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zydeco Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 I have some sympathy for these type posts when they are by guys in their 20s or very early 30s. But someone in their 40s should be a little more worldly, I think. Sometimes, these things have the sound of a fourteen year old girl out on her first date. Sorry, like I say, I have sympathy for these type messages but not in this instance. Far too fishy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wym Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 As for saying a dowry is valid, I can assure you most 'modern & emancipated' Thais, view the old dowry as distasteful, not least of all because it directly echoes the past when Thailand was barely more than a feudal Kingdom and the people truly submissive. Absolute <deleted>, still very much a part of local tradition & culture, you're just imposing you own cultural programming making it into a moral issue. I'm sure you DEFINE "modern & emancipated" this way, but in fact in my experience only poor rural Thais are willing to go along with such crazy foreign notions because they know they'll more than make up for the loss down the road. Gonads aside, I was told this by Thai friends who thought the dowry idea was out of place in a modern Thailand and found it distasteful. I speculate that would be similar to some Thais tell you they don't believe in ghosts or fortune-telling - they're just telling you what you want to hear because they have become aware of foreigner's disdain for cultural practices different from their own. In reality they do so believe, and don't think there is anything wrong with sin sot. Or perhaps these are imaginary friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wym Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 While we're at it, Wym..... imposing cultural programming ! Hummm, yes I think I might accept I'm culturally programmed. In fact, my sense of identity may well derive there too. However, I'm not imposing it upon anyone....certainly not the poor Thai farmers, since they're too 'stoney broke' too afford a computer and read my scribbling....least not while they're pissed on Lau Kow. I simply meant within your own perceptions and passing judgement, as in "superimposing" or "projecting" the result of your cultural conditioning on the world rather than trying to perceive reality as it is. Maybe it;s just me but I get the feeling you're one of those expats who've become a local village Poo Yai, organised the plebs into a thriving cooperative and is now feted for his beneficent manner and embrace of all things Thai. Better answer your mobile...I can hear it playing the Thai national anthem ! I don't understand why you would think there is anything wrong with any of that, sounds fine to me. Except for the national anthem thing, I'm against any nationalism or patriotism, any "us vs them" in principle, caused more evil than organized religion in the world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wym Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 The 1m sinsot was only discussed briefly in passing when we were talking about Thai traditions vs western traditions. I should have been clearer about this when raising this topic because many posters have made some inaccurate assumptions. Rest assured its the starting point and it will be set in stone, that you can bank on. Not at all, everything is up for negotiation. This should actually be conducted by an "elder" representing the groom, could be an older friend if he doesn't have family available, if he prefers to negotiate himself then the friend can just sit off to the side, just for ceremonial purposes. The village elders and heads of the brides family sit on the other side, and usually the mother takes the lead in negotiating. Feel free to raise any points you think are relevant, as some have pointed out many of these girls have children, previous marriages, not much education, just be careful to be polite and respectful in bringing up these points. If they've told you that (x% of) the sin sot will be returned then of course no need to bargain down the "public amount" but that might mean that the public negotiating ceremony is just for show and the real negotiations take place in private with the parents only. Also up for discussion is - since you'll be paying for the ceremony and days of celebration afterwards - how many pigs will be slaughtered, how many cases of whisky and soft drinks etc, how much for the music and possibly entertainment. I've seen these costs go into hundreds of thousands, sometimes more than the sin sot. Since the family will collect - and closely keep track of - donations at the door, that money should really be offset against the costs - in some cases a high-status family will actually be able to make a profit on the whole affair. Lots of subtleties and variables to track, but doing it right will make you more respectable in their eyes. If you're filthy rich then of course you can just be arrogant and piss on their traditions, but personally I don't like to operate that way. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atyclb Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 1 million baht alt=cheesy.gif pagespeed_url_hash=3951237149 width=32 height=20> Commom that is way too much Even weathly dont expect that. 400,000 or 500,00o tops And to tell you the truth You are falang and really should pay nothing for sin sod. But keep the faith. They see farang as rich in comparison to Thai and will take advantage of it regardless of the Education I am with a Thai lady now for 6 years and she has a university degree No sin sod and I was married to a Thai lady for 12 years now divorced and no sin sod You are giving her a great opportunity to marry you and her parents know this. They know you will make a good husband for their daughter. I know she wants a million but cut it in half Not realistic my friend and I have lived here for 14 years and speak Thai and know what they woman do here Be realistic and think with your head (between your shoulders) 1 million baht ! Should be no problem for an independently wealthy, retired ,40+ year old "consultant" ! Can anyone please clarify that being a "consultant" in UK / europe means being a medical doctor ??? I have met some so called consultants from europe that had told me thats what doctors are called there. thankx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atyclb Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Was the ex thai boyfriend a taxi motorbike rider Ouch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marko kok prong Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Something worries me here. I understand this mans nervousness, but I have a definite opinion that davidst01 should retain a high level of self assertion. Refusing to divulge income details signifies this, but to put this thing down in straight forward terms. The father of girl friend should be recognizing that davidst01 is the man. I mean that seriously. My wife for all her Thai ways and some manipulation, has decoded I am the leader. This is the way she likes it. I think my own father in law in Isaan may have been disappointed that there was no sin sod, but after three years they recognize that I have advanced their daughters life with good solid input. I make provision for them in other ways , but no Sin sod May I say do not pay Sin Sod at this point if ever. It is a thoroughly bad custom. I agree with other posters retain your high level of self, and just take them little presents. In my opinion is it them that should be recognizing you as much if notr more than you recognizing them,. Once Thai people get the grip on you, they will keep squeezing. Say no to Sin Sod, be yourself, and the very best to you. And I am sorry it is not ok to share emails with third parties. My wife had Thai friends here in New Zealand, who became negative because I am actually slightly alcoholic. I banned them from the house. And lastly, and I found this out to my expense, once you start compromising yourself, the road to misery is on. from Paul Scott you cannot be slightly alcoholic you either are or you are not,take it from one that knows,and if your rambling dissertion is anything to go by one would suggest that it may be better to post when one is not under the influence, although i admit i am guilty of this myself,however my posts do tend to make more sense than yours which is not difficult as frankly your post is gibberish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whidbeyboy Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 3. Months is a short time to really know anything. Take your time and get to know them more. Why the hurry? If it really is love, then it can wait. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meatboy Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 oh well guys the day has arrived,anyone nows where it is so we can go along and give him support,and if she's as beautyfull as he says we can give her something tooooooooooooooooo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
F4UCorsair Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 A million sin sot!!! Run a mile.............make that a hundred miles. If that doesn't tell you something about how this union is going to work, you have your head in the sand. The only way I'd be parting with ANYTHING is to have it given to me by the family first. If it's symbolic, there shouldn't be a problem with that, should there? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oogster8 Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 (edited) Thailand is full of pretty girls who are looking to marry a foreigner , MONEY is always the chief objective , security and a walking ATM . 2 to 3 months is too soon to be thinking about marriage . I corresponded with my wife for a year before coming to meet her . After I had bought BT100,000 worth of gold she permitted me to make love and take her for a 2 week seaside holiday . The following year , after 2 more visits and rebuilding her kitchen and bathroom , she came to stay at my home in Italy . Later that year I rebuilt the rest of her house as a gentlemans residence , early the next year after 2yrs we married privately with no family fuss or bother . My wife is head teacher of a school . I feel you are rushing into something you know little about , you need to be around Thailand for longer , it isn't all it seems ," The Land of Smiles " ha ha ha , for unwary foreigners who meet pretty girls much younger than themselves and think they're in heaven . Play It Cool Man !!! you really want to tell everyone your girl made you pay $3000 in gold be4 SEX.......................................... it would do you a world of good to go buy some tennis shoes and start running fast.....away from your wife...............lol. you being played and you think its love......lol. Edited January 19, 2014 by oogster8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oogster8 Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 oh well guys the day has arrived,anyone nows where it is so we can go along and give him support,and if she's as beautyfull as he says we can give her something tooooooooooooooooo. ill bet all the sin sot in the world the gf looks a bit like somsrisom.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kriswillems Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 The advice I usually give to a farang in this situation is to tell the parents you don't like the sin sod system and you don't want to give any money. You would be surprised in how understanding Thai people are. I don't know anyone that couldn't get married because he was not willing to give the sin sod money. If confronted with this situation, in most cases Thai parents will use their own money to show at the ceremony. When you meet the parents it's important to be very polite, act humble, just try to make good impression. Talk from your heart and explain them why you think you'll be able to give their daughter a stable future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showbags Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Grow a set, enter with confidence, give him hell if he has attitude. As for presents, if he is a school principal, buy him a nice hand carved cane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spaniel Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 (edited) The advice I usually give to a farang in this situation is to tell the parents you don't like the sin sod system and you don't want to give any money. You would be surprised in how understanding Thai people are. I don't know anyone that couldn't get married because he was not willing to give the sin sod money. If confronted with this situation, in most cases Thai parents will use their own money to show at the ceremony. When you meet the parents it's important to be very polite, act humble, just try to make good impression. Talk from your heart and explain them why you think you'll be able to give their daughter a stable future. I think the OP has already mentioned that whatever sin sod paid would be returned to him. So why make an issue of it (paying sin sod) and perhaps causing ill feelings, when it will be returned anyway? Edited January 19, 2014 by Spaniel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Somtamnication Posted January 19, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted January 19, 2014 It ain't returned until it is returned. Just sayin'. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
transam Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Grow a set, enter with confidence, give him hell if he has attitude. As for presents, if he is a school principal, buy him a nice hand carved cane I don't agree with the ''give him hell''. In Thai culture it is bad practice to lose ones rag during a discussion between ''gentlemen''. If the OP goes down that route he will be deemed an <deleted>. If there is friction then perhaps the parents don't want her married to a farang but understand her reason for doing so , which to be honest most do team up with farangs for that reason.. Different in my case cos I was incredibly hansum......... ........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oogster8 Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 It ain't returned until it is returned. Just sayin'. i know a guy who had to provide 2 sets of sot sin as the first one was stolen on the way to the ceremony................the party goers all had a laugh. The guy did get the 2nd installment back though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
transam Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 It ain't returned until it is returned. Just sayin'. i know a guy who had to provide 2 sets of sot sin as the first one was stolen on the way to the ceremony................the party goers all had a laugh. The guy did get the 2nd installment back though. That sounds like a set up . Perhaps he was told he would get the original back BUT it was ''stolen''. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atyclb Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 I’m the OP who raised this thread and am genuinely impressed with the quality of the responses / opinions. I found 90% of the responses to be helpful and one must expect a proportion of troll replies on every topic raised on this forum. I am still a bit ‘green’ as I’ve only lived here a few years but read with interest many prudent comments which will inevitably help my cause. I could relate personally to many posts and have learnt some new things. The 1m sinsot was only discussed briefly in passing when we were talking about Thai traditions vs western traditions. I should have been clearer about this when raising this topic because many posters have made some inaccurate assumptions. At my ripe old age I know that love takes time. Although we are clearly in the honeymoon period at the moment, I want to see what happens as time goes on. I need more time before committing to this relationship. One thing I know for sure is that this girl is quality and has a good heart. Many thanks for your comments. Could you please clarify something. you said you are a consultant. in many places this is how a medical doctors refer to themselves. are you a consultant medical doctor? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atyclb Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 It ain't returned until it is returned. Just sayin'. i know a guy who had to provide 2 sets of sot sin as the first one was stolen on the way to the ceremony................the party goers all had a laugh. The guy did get the 2nd installment back though. and the guy just agreed to pay again??? truly astonishing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oogster8 Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 I also heard one case where f-i-l was entrusted with 1M in sot, on the way to the wedding he passed a car dealearship and bought himself a merced b. He was the life of the party. The son-in-law couldnt bring himself to have poppa lose face so he went along with the whole scam. Poppa even said s-in -l could use the car every now and then............lol. Marriage didnt last very long! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeavyDrinker Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 (edited) Well it's Sunday so hopefully we'll hear from the OP again and see how well it panned out for him (or not as the case may be). He's already displayed some classic troll behaviour in that he's been back once having a gripe at the fact that not everyone is congratulating him on finding a 'diamond'....as well as a disclaimer that he is 'green' (usually a given sign of his dismay that not everyone is buying it)... Look forward to his report on his OP... Edited January 19, 2014 by HeavyDrinker Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kinmaew Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Leave your wallet at home Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Somtamnication Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Well it's Sunday so hopefully we'll hear from the OP again and see how well it panned out for him (or not as the case may be). He's already displayed some classic troll behaviour in that he's been back once having a gripe at the fact that not everyone is congratulating him on finding a 'diamond'....as well as a disclaimer that he is 'green' (usually a given sign of his dismay that not everyone is buying it)... Look forward to his report on his OP... Agreed. I am dying to know, as well. Please everyone. Try to hold your laughter until he posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
transam Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Leave your wallet at home I must say that after being transfixed by your avatar, my wallet is of nooooooooo consequence...... . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harrry Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Leave your wallet at home I must say that after being transfixed by your avatar, my wallet is of nooooooooo consequence...... . Transam..........I think that neither your or my wallet is of any consequence. They have been emptied too often. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedghog Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 I also heard one case where f-i-l was entrusted with 1M in sot, on the way to the wedding he passed a car dealearship and bought himself a merced b. He was the life of the party. The son-in-law couldnt bring himself to have poppa lose face so he went along with the whole scam. Poppa even said s-in -l could use the car every now and then............lol. Marriage didnt last very long! Bought a Benz for Bht 1 million.The Benz must of been older than the daughter. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thehelmsman Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 imo that's way too fast. give it some time, whirlwind romance you might say but the fact she was sharing emails with her thai cousin would surely acivate my alram bells you have to agree some sort of coaching might be involved here i bet meeting the parents was never your idea. regardless, you don't need anyone's approval if the both of you are really in love back off a little & see what conspires, take a breather, no one can fault that good luck Some people take weeks deciding on a new car, others visit the showroom and buy within days. Buying a wife in Thailand is exactly the same. Take her for a test drive, and if you like the ride, buy. For me, marriage was agreed within 1 week of first meeting, and purchase completed in 3, 4th anniversary next month. Must have been love at first sight then. Meeting a woman and marrying after one week's just insane, my mother had told me, when I was young...listen closely my only son.... When will people understand that you can't buy love, or friends? But I'm sure your one loves you too much..... My mother lied to me too. Women lie, men need to understand that. Mommy issues perhaps??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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