benalibina Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 For nearly 1 year i am in a spot of bother. All the inlaws i requested to help keep silent. If it was only for me i could not be that bothered about it. There are however 3 children involved. Who are now being raised by the sister of my wife, their mother. I have been there earlier in the month and witnessed the effect of the sister on my daughters. They have been made scared of me and alienated. The sister treats the kids as if they are hers. There was totally no communication possible with the daughters. They ignored me....there was no feeling from them 2 me. My son however reacted normal to me. A true blessing that he has withstood the manipulation, probably on a way lesser scale than done to my daughters. I have tried to make clear in phone and facebookconversations/posts to several of the inlaws that this is damaging the development of the children for now and/or later. However it seems that they not understand it or care jackshit about that. Why could that be ? Bearing in mind that the mother of the kids is working in Phuket. Many women of the extended family live abroad as well so should know that there is not only their thai way. NB: kidsages are 6 and 7. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandomSand Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) Don't give-up on them or even let them think you have in any way. Send them presets in the post so they know you care. Perhaps the sister does care for these girls and is pre-empting that you'll lose touch?.. It might be own way of being protective. Perhaps her thinking is based off her own life experiences with men. You should make it clear, to her, how you feel about your daughters. (not threatening her in the process). Do your daughters have a father figure there except yourself ? You know; you'd be better off asking in a women's forum even if that forum is not Thai related. (You could have titled the thread ........"my daughters" to draw women into the thread) Edited February 14, 2014 by RandomSand 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
krisb Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Mate I think you living in Europe would play a large part. I know an Indian lady who works here in Australia and skypes her young daughter back home. Last time she saw her, the daughter wouldn't leave grandma. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wym Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Are you still married to the mother? Yes, your children are being alienated from you and if your marriage is over Thais apparently think it's for the best if they never see you again. Or they will be used to extract over-the-top money from you and you will be expected to pay for the privilege of visiting them. The welfare of the children is often apparently not considered so important, and they do not think having a good relationship with the estranged parent to be important to the welfare of the children anyway. Would you consider taking them away and raising them with minimal contact with their mother's family? That's probably the only way you'll end up having a good relationship with them while they're still young. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post HardenedSoul Posted February 14, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) OP's been told in no uncertain terms exactly what to do. Turn off the money spigot; see how hard and how fast the wife will pull up a chair at the negotiating table. If he hasn't implemented that advice, how the hell does he expect to reassert himself here? In these situations, you use what you got to get what you want and here, you've got a big stick. Edited February 14, 2014 by HardenedSoul 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rhodie Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Do you live near them? Do you see them often? Do you support them financially? Are you able to look after them? What is your current relationship with your wife? Why are your children not living with you? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dancealot Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 The girls seem more valuable, then the boy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
benalibina Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) My question is related to the inlaws....all of them....cousins, nieces, nephews, brother, sisters etc... Why dont they care about the emotional wellbeing and future of the kids ? Edited February 14, 2014 by benalibina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandomSand Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) Maybe they believe we all have indestructible Buddha nature inside us anyway. Maybe they are an emotionally destructive family? Who knows? You can't change them in anyway can you? All you can really do is deal with the family situation the best you can and do what's you think is right for your kids. Edited February 14, 2014 by RandomSand 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farang000999 Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Maybe the inlaws think the girls have sin sot potential and are trying to steal them away from you? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thai at Heart Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 If you have left and allowed the extended family to take care it was to.a degree inevitable. It happens over the world like this. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
benalibina Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 If you have left and allowed the extended family to take care it was to.a degree inevitable. It happens over the world like this. I never allowed it, the kids mothers choice.....not mine....read topic properly...thank u. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
benalibina Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 Maybe the inlaws think the girls have sin sot potential and are trying to steal them away from you? they are 6 years old.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
benalibina Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 Maybe they believe we all have indestructible Buddha nature inside us anyway. Maybe they are an emotionally destructive family? Who knows? You can't change them in anyway can you? All you can really do is deal with the family situation the best you can and do what's you think is right for your kids. Destructive....yes...but hard to believe all of the inlaws are like that and dont see it is bringing the kids nothing. Tried for around 9 months but see no change....hence my topic. Right for kids is, get them away from the emotional destructive environment they are in....tried this month.....to no avail...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandomSand Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) Even if one or two felt you were right, they wouldn't just go against the grain of the family and side with a falang on the other side of the world. Does you Wife not agree that they should have a relationship with their Father ? Also; you haven't replied about the Sister's living situation... Is she married or with someone ? Edited February 14, 2014 by RandomSand 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandomSand Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) In a way, there's merit in being thankful that they do have a family to take care of them. Some kids have it worse than that. Did you thank the/your sister for taking care of your children, already ? Edited February 14, 2014 by RandomSand Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wym Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 My question is related to the inlaws....all of them....cousins, nieces, nephews, brother, sisters etc... Why dont they care about the emotional wellbeing and future of the kids ? I have direct relevant experience in exactly this situation. Below are the bits of my post that I think answer your question. If you would like further assistance in accomplishing your goals, do please clarify the details asked, both by myself and others. Feel free to PM me if you'd prefer. Are you still married to the mother? Yes, your children are being alienated from you and if your marriage is over Thais apparently think it's for the best if they never see you again. Or they will be used to extract over-the-top money from you and you will be expected to pay for the privilege of visiting them. The welfare of the children is often apparently not considered so important, and they do not think having a good relationship with the estranged parent to be important to the welfare of the children anyway. Would you consider taking them away and raising them with minimal contact with their mother's family? That's probably the only way you'll end up having a good relationship with them while they're still young. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wym Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Maybe the inlaws think the girls have sin sot potential and are trying to steal them away from you? they are 6 years old.... Yes and? In order to get my ex to agree to full custody, I had to promise her that any suitor of our daughter would have to ask her for permission to marry her, and that she would get the sin sot. Our daughter was two at the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thai at Heart Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 If you have left and allowed the extended family to take care it was to.a degree inevitable. It happens over the world like this. I never allowed it, the kids mothers choice.....not mine....read topic properly...thank u. If you weren't present, what influence or control did you exercise over the choice to send the kids home to mum and dad and sister? You are either in the decision or not. Apparently you weren't. Its sad. Ask them to take custody of them. It is the only way if you want to take control of the situation. Don't expect too many people to say too many good things about you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post farang000999 Posted February 14, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted February 14, 2014 Maybe the inlaws think the girls have sin sot potential and are trying to steal them away from you? they are 6 years old.... Many Thais from modest backgrounds look to children as a retirement plan. I know it sounds unpleasant, I was just offering a potential explanation to your question of why they are working more on the girls than the boy. Best of luck. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farang000999 Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 If you have left and allowed the extended family to take care it was to.a degree inevitable. It happens over the world like this. I never allowed it, the kids mothers choice.....not mine....read topic properly...thank u. If you weren't present, what influence or control did you exercise over the choice to send the kids home to mum and dad and sister? You are either in the decision or not. Apparently you weren't. Its sad. Ask them to take custody of them. It is the only way if you want to take control of the situation. Don't expect too many people to say too many good things about you. Buying your children back is the only reasonable solution. Or even just get legal custody and then trick the inlaws into sending them to you. Show up with a bunch of gifts for the children to win back their affection before you can take them away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisinth Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Maybe they believe we all have indestructible Buddha nature inside us anyway. Maybe they are an emotionally destructive family? Who knows? You can't change them in anyway can you? All you can really do is deal with the family situation the best you can and do what's you think is right for your kids. Destructive....yes...but hard to believe all of the inlaws are like that and dont see it is bringing the kids nothing. Tried for around 9 months but see no change....hence my topic. Right for kids is, get them away from the emotional destructive environment they are in....tried this month.....to no avail...... Hi benalibina, did you manage to get the kids away from the sister during your last visit for some proper one-on-one time? Whereas kids don't forget, sometimes it is good to get them out of their current environment for the relationship to return to what it was. I feel for you friend. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thaipod Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Could be the fact that a good percentage of Thai women bring children up without fathers and feel that the children don't need them. Don't know the background of why there was a separation in the first place and why the mother in in another city or their thoughts on the farang, but I feel for you I would not like to go through the same problem with my child. I think the main thing is keep in touch with them and don't let up,shower them with gifts and encourage them that they have a father and you love them also try talking to the mother more about the children and having access to them. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nonthaburial Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Maybe I am a little slow, forgive me if I am, but I, by reading through this thread, am having trouble with understanding if the op is the natural father of these children, or were they fathered from a previous relationship by his wife. If the father is in fact Thai, then this changes things considerably 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post bender92 Posted February 15, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted February 15, 2014 Why don't your kids live with you? If you can't be there for them, why have kids in the first place? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
risky11 Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Once they are alientated from you, it may be impossible to ever get their hearts back. You are just one person, whereas the wife's relatives are an entire clan. You may have to just let them go. My daughter turned her back on me at 21. Haven't heard from her in 2.5 years. I thought we had a loving relationship. Apparently, it was just an act on her part. Sad... I think "buying them back" is a bad idea. Trying to repair the relationships by yourself without the support of a clan will not work. Good luck brother... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thhMan Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 (edited) You need to get custody... Thats the short a sweet of it.... Soon will come the blackmail money for the privilege of contacting them. Women can be savage when it comes to being fair... its doubly as bad in Thailand... Why... because its just you against the clan.... at least back home you have family, mates, co-workers etc.... Edited February 15, 2014 by thhMan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Mudcrab Posted February 15, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted February 15, 2014 You have left your children. You are no longer with your wife. What do you really expect to happen? A fairy tale ending? Of course they will become part of the extended family without you there. You are willing and able to give these kids a better life?..........then you know what to do. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nip Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 You can't buy the love and respect of your children you must earn it and living in Europe and slipping in and out of their lives can and has clearly done them more harm than good. What else can you expect?. The positive to all this is they are young and a lot more durable than you can imagine and are clearly loved or cared for all be it by your wife's sister. I assume this from your post. I would suggest that instead of moaning and groaning on here you should get your priorities in order and go show your children and the in-laws how much you care for them and refuse to walk away. If your son was allowed to spend time with you the family must be open to you having relationships. Take time off work if needs be and use your gumption to earn their love bit by bit. Kids are forgiving. You can only blame yourself for what has happened and you must be big enough to go cap in hand firstly as you must do and secondly because it's your only option. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post HardenedSoul Posted February 15, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted February 15, 2014 You have left your children. You are no longer with your wife. What do you really expect to happen? A fairy tale ending? Of course they will become part of the extended family without you there. You are willing and able to give these kids a better life?..........then you know what to do. Yep, this is pretty much it. The guy marries a hooker and then proceeded to knock her up not once, not twice, but thrice and then heads back to Europe. I mean, what kinda plan was that? What did he think was going to happen if he couldn't or wouldn't stay in Thailand with his wife and children? Just out of interest, what does one say to one's child or children when asked how mummy & daddy met if mummy was a prostitute? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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