Uncomfortable Position

[nonthaburial]

...in China love and affection are calculated in money terms...as it seems the Chinese father has money I would certainly ask the daughter how much he will contribute to her further education

Thanks for your input, a very good question.

[smileydude]

I understand where your coming from and I think its natural to have this kind of resentment because you have devoted a lot of time, effort and resources towards your step-daughter's upbringing. Basically you have been a great step dad and from the sound of things I think your step-daughter appreciates this. I don't know the circumstances of your wife's divorce but if her ex is a decent man and not a criminal or druggie it would be emotionally beneficial for a child growing up to know and keep in touch with her biological father. I commend your wife on that as it considers the concerns of the child before the parents differences. As for her your wife's ex not supporting his daughter to a significant extent I think thats between your wife and him and you have done your part but that does not include making decisions on your daughter's behalf. Be the bigger man and be supportive for only you know in your heart that what you did was because of unconditional love for your wife and daughter and that your daughter's happiness is whats most important. Your daughter being a smart girl I'm sure she knows who has given her this unconditional love and when she gets into Cambridge will think of you first and foremost. You are far more luckier then him as you get to see your wife and daughter everyday. He doesn't.

[Gillyflower]

He IS a part of her life. You have said that over the years they have talked on the phone, she has been on vacations to China where she has been with him. He is not a stranger to her at all.

I understand your rancour. Is it that you are afraid that you will not be the most important man on the day. You are very fond of her but it is what she wants. Just have to grin and bear it and behave like a gentleman. Stiff upper lip and all that. I know I sound as though I am making fun of you - I'm not! Just feeling very sympathetic.

[Sharp]

Hi people, this is my first post and I am looking for suggestions.

Ten years ago, I met a wonderful Chinese lady whilst working in Bangkok, she was also working in Bangkok ,for her Chinese company.

I learnt that one of the reasons she was working abroad was because she had just been divorced, and had a nine year old daughter who was being looked after by her mother in China. And being a single mum, the financial rewards of being posted to Thailand would help towards her daughters future.

Eight years ago we married, and immediately bought the daughter down to Thailand and we treated her as "ours" I spent several hours every night for years getting her basic English, and dare I say it her standards up to scratch and we enrolled her into a very good international school.

During this period, her father never visited her here, but they often talked on the phone, and when she went back to China on vacations, her father did meet her occasionally. I am aware that he has made small financial payments every now and then, but nothing significant.

This girl, who will be 19 this year had turned out to be extremely bright and is sitting very comfortably as the top student in her year. Her final exams are slated for May this year and she has had interviews for a number of UK universities including Cambridge. The results are not yet known, but I do realise that the universities do not interview those who are not up to scratch.

I have always made it very clear that she has a blood father who biologically is more important than me, however it is acknowledged by my wife, that it has been me who has been the driving force in the daughters latter life, I meet her teachers regularly and I am often told what a wonderful person and student she is. The school also know her background and acknowledge that she is now where she is because of strong support, love and a decent upbringing since being with us.

Fact is we are both very proud of her.

Now the uncomfortable position............ Last night my wife and I were talking to her about her graduation, usual family chat, asking her what she wanted to do after she graduated whilst waiting for a university place to be confirmed etc. She then said that she wanted her father to travel and attend her graduation.

Again I accept he is the biological father but in my eyes he has done nothing to assist in her education or progress, I feel that he has sat back and let me do his job for him, let's not forget the finances I have poured Into her nor the warmth, love and support I have given her.

Am I wrong in feeling uncomfortable, or should I just back off and let him and her mother attend the graduation and feel the pride of her achievements. I really don't think I would be in my comfort zone attending alongside him.

Thoughts please.

You love to see her happy ....right ? Well it's what she wants .....Welldone by the way...

Sent from my iPad using ThaiVisa app

[HUAHIN62]

Congrats with your childs achievements. I think its not a question of you or him in her life and it would not be fair for her to have to choose between the two of you. The both of you played a role in her life and she wants to share this moment with both. I also dont know from your post if her biological dad has the means to have done more than he did. Relax and enjoy the fruits of your dedication to your daughter.

[wym]

Now, I think the time has come - tell us the story between your wife and her ex!

[brit1984]

I didn't attend my own graduation as my parents are divorced and re-married and I didn't want to create an awkward situation, especially as I would have had to choose only 3 guests to attend the actual ceremony (same rule applies at Cambridge).

You should be happy that you brought up your daughter to be more strong minded than myself, and proud of yourself for the help you have given her (regardless of her appreciation) but you shouldn't ruin all that by letting her become a filthy tab!

[wym]

I didn't attend my own graduation as my parents are divorced and re-married and I didn't want to create an awkward situation, especially as I would have had to choose only 3 guests to attend the actual ceremony (same rule applies at Cambridge).

You should be happy that you brought up your daughter to be more strong minded than myself, and proud of yourself for the help you have given her (regardless of her appreciation) but you shouldn't ruin all that by letting her become a filthy tab!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Tab&defid=1230738

[Keoni]

Put on your game face. Enjoy her graduation and be civil. Maybe you can tell your wife you're not comfortable sitting with her ex. If there is a dinner party or something like that maybe your wife can be sure to seat the ex with other family members.

My parents were divorced when I was young. My mom provided everything for me, and I hardly saw my dad except for maybe once a year. I knew my dad was always absent and never provided financially for us. I knew who was always there for me (mom) and who was never there for me when I needed (dad). And still I really wanted him at my graduation. I knew it was an 8 hour plane ride for him to come (we lived in opposite sides of the country), but he worked for the airlines so I knew he would be able to fly if he wanted to.

I wasn't surprised, but I was still hurt when he didn't come for my graduation.

I learned and even accepted a long time ago, that my dad is an extremely selfish person. Everything he does is always centered on him. He is his first priority. Everyone else is secondary.

That said, I still try to see him. He is still my dad, and I still love him even though I know he will never change.

So while it may be uncomfortable for you to have your wife's ex there, try to relax and don't sweat it.

Having him there won't change how your daughter feels about you. She'll still know who was the person always there for her (you), and who wasn't there for her (him). But that doesn't change the fact that she still wants him there.

Certainly don't foot the bill for him. But you can suck it up for one day and be civil to him. You can do it.

Edited March 15, 2014 by Keoni

[MadDog2020]

^{I understand your feelings having been put in a similar position. But you fully have to understand that she has 3 parents, not 2. If you go the high road and support her in her wish to have her "other father" at the graduation it will make your life much easier. I would recommend you encourage her to have some relationship with her father.}

^{19 years ago he may have been the worst of all people. After 19 years he may have changed and is a great guy. If he is still a "bad" guy, your daughter will see that it he may not get invited to anything in the future.}

^{You have many events in the future to look forward to, like marriage and grandchildren. What you do now sets the precedence for the entire future.}

^{Best of luck mate.}

Edited March 15, 2014 by MadDog2020

[fvw53]

^{I understand your feelings having been put in a similar position. But you fully have to understand that she has 3 parents, not 2. If you go the high road and support her in her wish to have her "other father" at the graduation it will make your life much easier. I would recommend you encourage her to have some relationship with her father.}

^{19 years ago he may have been the worst of all people. After 19 years he may have changed and is a great guy. If he is still a "bad" guy, your daughter will see that it he may not get invited to anything in the future.}

^{You have many events in the future to look forward to, like marriage and grandchildren. What you do now sets the precedence for the entire future.}

^{Best of luck mate.}

I hope it is not true in this case ...but my experience from several other cases learns that at the age of 19 the daughter will go where the money is....

[connda]

I'm assuming you raised a daughter that can think for herself. It's her biological father, she would like him to attend the graduation -- be accommodating, learn something about the man. It's not about you -- it's about your daughter. Deal with the discomfort with equanimity and perhaps you might even have a good time. Your dread will destroy your peace of mind well before the actual encounter. Best of luck.

But I do disagree with other posters. You have absolutely no responsibility to provide him with travel and lodging. If he's a responsible individual, he can make it to the graduation on his own. If my stepson's father suddenly contacted us and said he wanted to come to my son's graduation if I would pay -- the deadbeat wouldn't be coming. If your daughter disagrees, inform her, lovingly, that you just provided her a important lesson in life -- personal responsibility. And again, best of luck.

Edited March 15, 2014 by connda

[benalibina]

Put on your game face. Enjoy her graduation and be civil. Maybe you can tell your wife you're not comfortable sitting with her ex. If there is a dinner party or something like that maybe your wife can be sure to seat the ex with other family members.

My parents were divorced when I was young. My mom provided everything for me, and I hardly saw my dad except for maybe once a year. I knew my dad was always absent and never provided financially for us. I knew who was always there for me (mom) and who was never there for me when I needed (dad). And still I really wanted him at my graduation. I knew it was an 8 hour plane ride for him to come (we lived in opposite sides of the country), but he worked for the airlines so I knew he would be able to fly if he wanted to.

I wasn't surprised, but I was still hurt when he didn't come for my graduation.

I learned and even accepted a long time ago, that my dad is an extremely selfish person. Everything he does is always centered on him. He is his first priority. Everyone else is secondary.

That said, I still try to see him. He is still my dad, and I still love him even though I know he will never change.

So while it may be uncomfortable for you to have your wife's ex there, try to relax and don't sweat it.

Having him there won't change how your daughter feels about you. She'll still know who was the person always there for her (you), and who wasn't there for her (him). But that doesn't change the fact that she still wants him there.

Certainly don't foot the bill for him. But you can suck it up for one day and be civil to him. You can do it.

Honest post.

[taotoo]

So despite being a somewhat-successful businessman he didn't contribute toward school, probably won't be contributing towards university, the daughter is old enough to know the financial ins and outs, yet he/she wants him to be there? Remind me never to bring up other people's kids (though should I ever have one of my own, I might palm it off on you).

[ALFREDO]

I think it fair to say that my wife absolutely detests him, if you knew the reason for their divorce, you would understand why ! As many have said, and I and my wife agree with, he is her biological father.

However the foundations have been laid, her university days will be very expensive, does anybody think he will assist in paying the bills? I don't think so for one minute. Then there is the flip side of the coin, if I were him, I would be very embarrassed to witness his blood daughters huge step up in life knowing he had nothing at all to do with it.

You 2 Posts bring one word up in me, YOU ARE "SELFISH."

[NeverSure]

Did it ever occur to you that maybe she wants to show off in front of him? That maybe she wants to show him how well she has done in spite of him?

You get the credit for everything she's achieved. He gets the credit for dropping a little seed many years ago.

Also, every child wants to touch base with a biological parent when he grows up. Have you noticed the effort that an adopted orphan will go through trying to find biological parents? There's something innate in us that wants to know and make contact. She can't help following an instinct to make contact.

Nothing in all of this diminishes you. It all makes him look bad, so let him show up. If I was him I would be embarrassed to be there.

+1 for having a talk with him about helping with her college. Surely there's a subtle way to let her know if he says no. Or, if he says yes you win. Win, win, win.

Show who the biggest man is and let her have her day.

[Roadman]

When you make the choice to take on someone else's child as a Dad when the father is still in her life then there are going to be events in your lives where you are going to have to suck up the "uncomfortable zone" you are now in. And yes it is normal to have that feeling. Share those feelings with her mum only and get used to it, and you will gradually get through it, as there are going to be other equally important events for her in her adult life that you are going to be in that same spot - her university graduation and wedding day for example. Agree with the posters that its her day so bury the 'but it is me who has been footing the bills' and the 'but I have been her Dad' jealousy tinge, put a big smile on your face and show her as her 'Dad' how proud you are of what she has achieved, and with her mum enjoy for yourselves the pleasure she has brought you both as a family unit. Don't even try and compete with the other guys (Fathers, other Dads or in Thai culture 'uncles', boyfriends, future husbands) that are or will come into her life or you will be the long term loser. No doubt you have wonderful times together with the three of you as a family and those are not going to change unless you let that happen by letting that normal little insecurity or jealousy get in the way.

And as a Dad who also has and still is investing his love, money and time to my daughter (step) as she currently achieves her way through university the others, money and time have no value in comparison to the love and times we share when we as family are together. Don't lose sight of the biggest advantage you have which is her mum is one of the cornerstones of where she will find her warmest love and security - her family unit.

And well done and be very proud for taking on board the dad role and achieving an excellent outcome to date.

Edited March 15, 2014 by Roadman

[473geo]

The girl had a father in China for 11 years, she came to Thailand and still maintained contact regularly by phone, it just might be that she appreciates the move was for the best, but also appreciates it made it difficult for her father to see her regularly. Thus her reasons for inviting him could be the exact opposite of some of the suggestions here, she may well appreciate he allowed her to move, made no fuss, and now he can arrive to see how good his decision was for her, and appreciate the end result, perhaps she realises he too gave up something for her to succeed.

Too many here are treating the situation as if this young lady was akin to an abandoned orphan, I am not seeing this as being the case.

[Beetlejuice]

Honky

I am sure that your stepdaughter at age 19 is fully aware of all you have done for her and will always accept you as being her guardian. But being your stepdaughter for only the last 9 years, you not being on the scene for the first 10 years of her life, she is obviously going to be curious about her real father and perhaps wishes to form some sort of relationship with him during her adult life. No matter how much you have done and helped her during your marriage to her mother, there is nothing you can do to avoid this, blood is blood and that is the reality of the situation.

If you show disapproval of your step daughter getting to know her real father, than this will have a negative affect of making her believe you are selfish, jealous and trying to be possessive, even if it`s not the case, this is how she will feel.

My advice is, give her some slack, don`t show any objections to her father being there, let her make her own judgements, attend her graduation, be on good terms with her father, don`t make her feel awkward or embarrassed, and let your step daughter see that you only have her happiness at heart. Believe me she will love you even more and after that nothing will change between your relationship with your stepdaughter.

Trust me on this one.

See how Alex handles a similar situation in the classic American comedy sitcom, Taxi, from the late 1970s:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6F3d0Bd5nU0

[searcherkind666]

Iv had the identical experience so here go's , the graduation is your step daughter's day so if she feel's she has a need for her biological father's presence then swallow your hurt ego and try to be friendly and courteous , this may take some real soul searching , its obvious in your post you are a loving caring person so try to be happy for your step daughter , as she matures she will realize that being a sperm donor doesn't make you a Good father , you were there for her when he was not , just take pride in yourself for being a caring loving non selfish human . your one of the Good guy's , your a real Hero .

[Wat dee]

Should ask the girl. If She want's him to come, you have no right to try to block her relationship with the biological father.

[HerbalEd]

While your uncomfortable feelings about this situation are understandable, I suggest you be the superior gentleman and honor your daughters wishes to have her father attend her graduation. In the long run you'll be happy that you did.

[tingtong]

I think it fair to say that my wife absolutely detests him, if you knew the reason for their divorce, you would understand why ! As many have said, and I and my wife agree with, he is her biological father.

However the foundations have been laid, her university days will be very expensive, does anybody think he will assist in paying the bills? I don't think so for one minute. Then there is the flip side of the coin, if I were him, I would be very embarrassed to witness his blood daughters huge step up in life knowing he had nothing at all to do with it.

oh, but he has to do with it, obviously!....according to daughter.

can like this fact, or not, it doesnt change this.

will your "daughter" in the end appretiate you the way you would deserve it? only time will tell.

understand why your feelings are hurt, but it was a voluntary thing to take on raising her, so, all you can do is smile, whatever happens.

as someone said, she havent divorced her real father, your wife did.

[Maestro]

Removed an off-topic post.

[thailandist]

If it wasn't for him she wouldn't be alive and you wouldn't have the pleasure of knowing her...or even the wife depending on paths she might have chosen that might not have led to you. Take it easy.

[Somtamnication]

He is Chinese. Face is 100 times everything. Give him a seat next to his ex, you wife next to you. Smile. 1000 photos.

After the ceremony, tell him to fleck off!

[lucifer666]

I have to say that i absolutely agree with you. If my missus ever tried to bring her ex back into our life. She would get a one word answer ( Clue- it starts with the letter F and ends in the same letter)

Edited March 16, 2014 by lucifer666

[Berkshire]

I have to say that i absolutely agree with you. If my missus ever tried to bring her ex back into our life. She would get a one word answer ( Clue- it starts with the letter F and ends in the same letter)

Did you even bother to read the OP? This is not about the wife wanting to bring her ex back, it's about the daughter wanting to invite her biological father to her graduation.

[JDGRUEN]

OP ... stay the gentleman... act like it hasn't even occurred to you to feel worried about it... After Bio Dad has gone back to China... daughter will give you a big hug and say lots of thank you in the way she always has... She knows the difference. And who knows deep down she may just want her bio dad to see what she has accomplished with support from a REAL DAD --- you...

[Berkshire]

I would imagine there are many divorced fathers on this forum, perhaps even the OP. How would you feel if your ex-wife's new husband tried to get between you and your biological children? Any chance your ex wife may have told her new husband what a terrible guy/father you are/were?

Just curious.