Throat Cancer stage IV

[Patsycat]

My candle is still burning, even though it is daytime. Not only for him, but also for you.

All day my thoughts will be with you in my mind.

Stay safe.

xx

[alyx]

Thanks

Quite a change from the behavior of his family

Mind you, after they refused to be present when he was alive ( his mother being too busy taking of her four year old grandson a couple of hours a day ) they keep calling me to know when and where the burial ( plot ) is to take place ( quite a bother as I am not through with that )

One of sister even called to try to change the place of burial as it would be more convenient for the mother and siblings to visit him

Is it just me?

[Patsycat]

Go with what you and he wanted. The family takes second place. They can get a bus or a taxi or a car to the place that you have decided, don't let them get to you. It's gonna be hard, but stick by your guns and do what is right for you and him. your wishes, not theirs.

Candle still burning.

[robertthebruce]

Go with what you and he wanted. The family takes second place. They can get a bus or a taxi or a car to the place that you have decided, don't let them get to you. It's gonna be hard, but stick by your guns and do what is right for you and him. your wishes, not theirs.

Candle still burning.

With Patsycat 100 percent.... Well said, Patsaycst..... My exact sentiments...

[Patsycat]

It's true. Sometimes people come out of the woodwork and put their wishes and wants in front of what is important. It happened to me when my husband died. It got to the point that his girlfriend of 3 months sat in the "widows" seat in the church.

Edited June 24, 2014 by Patsycat

[alyx]

There is no way I am going to listen to people who didn't make themselves available when most needed

On the other hand, they do not have the financial means

[Patsycat]

That is their problem, not yours. They have known about this for months and weeks now, they should have organised between themselves how and why to have been there. At the moment you do what you have to do, for you and your husband.

You can deal with the others later. If they cared they would have been there, and as i said, they will be wailing and wanting. Don't give in. Go with your instincts and lay him to rest as you want. If they turn up, good for them. If not, basta.

That candle is still burning, shise i almost set my curtains on fire last night!!

Strength girly.

Edited June 24, 2014 by Patsycat

[alyx]

À last, it all seems to get together

I bought the plot for the burial this morning, actually bought two of them ( didn't get a discount though), meaning that, eventually, we will be reunited.

The company's representatives dealing with the funeral were present. I am quite pleased with them as they sound professional.

They are supposed to start the digging tomorrow and, hopefully, everything will be ready for Saturday, meaningful date as we got married on a June 28.

A Buddhist ceremony will be held on that day at the hospital before I take him to the site.

I cross fingers for everything to go according to plan

Edited June 25, 2014 by alyx

[Sheryl]

I'm glad to hear this, Alyx. Do you mind sharing the name of the funeral company, as it may be useful for others in the future?

[alyx]

Of course I intend to that

I want to wait until this is over, enabling a sound judgment

Edited June 25, 2014 by alyx

[Robby nz]

Hi Alyx

Only just got back to this subject although I have been following it right through.

Even though the end was inevitable it is still sad to hear it has finally arrived.

You have been a great mate for your husband and have I think done far more than some ever would.

Thank you for sharing your and his story.

The time has now come for you to pick up your life and I wish you the very best for the future.

Sorry I'm not very good at expressing my feelings and thoughts.

All the best.

Robby

[alyx]

Hey Ruby

The way you are expressing yourself gives me goose bumps, so I guess it is good enough...thank you

[alyx]

Wonderful job up till today.

Three or four hours of work tomorrow should to the trick

I'll let you know

A quick Buddhist ceremony at the hospital at 1 PM followed by the transfer to the site and....that's it

[robertthebruce]

All the best for today I know it's not going too be easy with so much emotions going on...

Take care

Robert

[Sheryl]

I will take a few minutes at 1 PM to send my best wishes to you and in remberance of your husband.

[Patsycat]

In my thoughts also. xx

[alyx]

This evening I went through his treatment and these are the one he hasn't used ( from a couple of to days to some weeks left )

Plavix

Crestor

Controloc

Efexor

Ultracet

Valacyclovir

Nystatin ( unopened bottle )

Xarelto

Lamictal

Keppra

Magesto

Topamax

I plan to give that to the Red Cross this week

Edited June 30, 2014 by alyx

[alyx]

At last, everything is done

I might say I am quite happy about the staff at Allison Monkhouse, Pim, the manager, Nat the guy who attended to every detail, even on Sunday afternoon and one other girl I met on site , a couple of times

They all speak English and always try and get what you want

It hadn't started too good though as I didn't know where to find a plot.:monkhouse came up within hours with a solution but too far for me.

I eventually found a conveniently located cemetery but that is when the real problem started as they only provide the plot and it is up to us to find someone to dig

I had been in touch with another funeral director, whose number had been given to me by several companies ( eg hospital ) but the way I was talked to, made me decide I wouldn't talk to him again ( rudeness in this business is quite uncommon)

I can't recall the name of the guy but I will post it eventually

Monkhouse found a team of workers who did the job. At least my spouse could be buried on time, two days after they had started.

Of course, in two days, it was a bit short but they did complete the whole sepulture fast enough ( 4 days versus two wheels for other companies)

Edited July 1, 2014 by alyx

[Sheryl]

Ah, so you did use Monkhouse. Glad you were happy with them. I dealt with them once in connection with the death of a foreigner whose family was unable to come to Thailand to see to things and they were excellent.

It makes such a difference to deal with people who speak excellent English and have a "can do" attitude at a time like that.

Nice to know they can handle Thai deaths as well and that they come through for you on all counts.

Take care.

[alyx]

Sure thing

Actually it was a first for them regarding the location

[alyx]

By the name the name of the "reputable" guy with whom I wouldn't deal is Hirun

[alyx]

Has any one experienced the loss of their loved one on this forum?

If so, how did you cope with it?

Right now, although I was expecting it and even calling for it, as it had become unbearable for him, I feel like it is slowly sinking in and can't realise/accept he is gone

[n210mp]

Having experience personal loss many times I feel that a loss is such a personal thing that it is difficult to say anything other than time makes a big difference.

I have posted just one link of many sites that can be very helpful at this sad time in your life.

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

I found that talking about it to my friends helped a great deal but eventually you and them can be "talked out" as it where, this usually happens just at the right time when you are beginning to understand that your loss is your loss and not anyone else's entitlement...............!

My thoughts at this time is to value my grief and sense of loss because it means that for a short moment in time I was so very lucky in being able to have a loss such as this.

I cannot begin to express the swinging thoughts and feelings that I have or just what my feelings are but maybe you can read through the lines and sense a much deeper awareness or understanding of what it is all about that is impossible to explain until you have experienced it

And yes Alyx you are still in shock so slowly slowly, one moment, one day at a time at a time

[alyx]

Thanks

The thing is that I really thought that I was ready but it was without factoring in the emptiness I am surrounded with after we had built a cocoon around us

[Sheryl]

In my experience it is always much harder than expected and no one is really prepared for it. You think you are, but it is only on the surface of the mind.

Furthermore all that is involved in caring for a terminally ill loved one means that if anything they occupy a larger than ever place in your life right up to an immediately after the death. It is only after all the arrangements have been made and completed that there is suddenly a huge gap and that the loss begins to really be felt.

Be kind to yourself and take it slow. This takes a lot of time and it will get more painful before it gets better. But it will eventually get better.

If there are people you were close to in the past and saw less of over the years, consider getting back in touch with them. You need to renew old relationships (and also make new ones, but the former is easier at this early stage).

[n210mp]

IN some respects from my experience its like coming off an addiction.

Before the situation is all time consuming and then, suddenly empty, life can be devoid of any meaning, there is an inability to focus on normal stuff, even an anger with our lost loved one for leaving us in this situation, a feeling of guilt for not being able to cry or feel the way that society expects or says we should feel.

Of course the full sense of loss doesn't hit us right away, there is too much to do , too much to arrange and this keeps our minds from dwelling.

Its when we have to stop because there is nothing more to do, to arrange.

Thats when we have to face ourselves and the reality.

Its at this time that one has to evaluate just who and what we are, the concept and acceptance of life and death is what I am talking about, it is very hard but there can be some satisfaction in the feeling that although we have lost someone we have not lost the sense of love that is still between us and that can never go away from our memories

There is a sense of bereavement and grief in many types of loss be they divorce, the death of a loved one or indeed a job or a lifestyle

Coming to terms with loss is what it is all about and one needs to be healthy in mind and body to get over such a loss as yours.

I would respectfully suggest that you do nothing other than wait out the situation for a little while, doing nothing that requires any great effort, accept that there will be a period where you and your mind need to adjust to your situation, to come to terms with the new priorities, allow your mind to rest a little, love yourself and make sure that you take great care of you.

This thread from time to time has taken me back into a memory that time has eroded from being sharp and painful to a memory of love, understanding, calm and acceptance.

Time is the answer, not just yet for a while but time will grind away all the sharp edges.

Wan and I are thinking about you,

[Patsycat]

I just want to give you a great big hug.

[Kitsune]

Be strong.

Edited July 15, 2014 by Kitsune

[alyx]

Thanks, not easy though, wherever I go and whatever I do, it reminds me of him but I guess that this is the "regular" process

Edited July 17, 2014 by alyx

[Sheryl]

Yes, it is, and it is a process that takes some time.

I have the impression you had one of those marriages wherein the two spouses are a world unto themselves, i.e. the relationship with the spouse was so satisfying that much room or need for other deep relationships. That can make it harder after one dies because the surviving spouse has not got other deep friendships to fall back on. Try reaching out to old friends (or making new ones, but that can be hard especially at a time like this).