this week alone 3 of my good female friends (long term residents in thailand) were beaten by their thai boyfriends. in 2 of the cases the girls opted to stay with the guy anyway- one even though it had happened before(!). the third one left her man but it has been all we could do to keep her from running back to him, despite the fact that he basically tried to kill her.

to me it seems that domestic violence is all too common in thailand. thai male friends i have talked to about it seem to think it is their right to "keep their woman in line". they say things like "she didn't behave so he had to hit her", or "she talks too much, how else to shut her up". i find this a shocking and rather terrifying mindset to be around.

i also find it shocking that these women can even consider staying with these cowards. these are strong, intelligent women, and i think that if they were in their own countries they would never even think about remaining with an abuser. but something about thai men is so manipulative... they can be so sweet... that they justify their actions to no end.

does anyone else notice this to be true? any advice on how to help friends in this situation? or avoid getting into it oneself? would the police be any good in this situation (not that there really are any available where i live)?

I also dont know why women stay with men like that, same when they are cheated on all the time & seem to accept it I'm afraid I hold a very unpopular view towards women & domestic violence. I was taught that if a man hit you for the first tiime, it wasn't your fault but if you stayed with him after that, you were asking for all future abuse.

This came from mother & I agree with her. When women start taking more power over their lives then the men who like to abuse will no longer have victims to beat. Sadly too many women don't leave after the first time & allow themselves to live with the abuse.

I was lucky, if a guy ever did that to me I know my own parents would go to jail for killing him rather than me suffer, in fact I don't know who would be the scarier parent, my mum or dad.

I personally wouldn't get too involved in your friends abusive relationships, be a good pal & give them support & encourgae them to leave, offer a place to stay or help getting off the island but remember, if he has no problem with beating his girlfirend then he will have no problem attacking you too. if you do find ytourself caught in the cross fire & need help, the tourist police would be the way I would go for help.

I think that many farang women who are in relationships with Thai men and live in Thailand are in fear of what their life would be like without their bf. Therefor leaving an abusive relationship is that much harder. If a farang woman has moved here to be with their Thai bf then that would just change her life completely to be without her Thai connection in Thailand, not to mention distance them from friends etc. A farang woman is a lot more isolated here with a lot fewer resources then at home.

I have a friend who just left a three year relationship with a Thai man who abused her phyically and mentally. It was anguish to watch as we were friends from home and came here together, worked together etc. She is a beautiful young blond who men anywhere in the world trip over just to talk to. I couldnt understand why everytime she would go back to him. I still dont know if I understand. I was there for her everytime it happened. I listened, supported and offered any help I could give but after two years I had to walk away. It was so hard b/c in so many ways she was like my younger sister and to watch her go though this and not get out of it almost killed me. Finally I had to just slap myself out of it and realize that this was her life and nothing I said or did was going to make her change her mind. She would leave when she was ready. This changed a lot for us, she moved away to a different part of Thailand and we kept in touch but we were no where as close as before. So she has now just left this relationship and gone home. In the back of my mind I still worry that she may decide to go back, but again I realize that if she does, that is her choice and I can not change it. So I guess my advise is that you just do everything you can when a friend is going through this but there may be a time when you have done all you can do and you just have to leave it up to them to make the decision for themselves.

nevermind

Edited June 22, 200620 yr by pearl

Girlx is asking about thai man against farang woman Pearl.

to me it seems that domestic violence is all too common in thailand. thai male friends i have talked to about it seem to think it is their right to "keep their woman in line". they say things like "she didn't behave so he had to hit her", or "she talks too much, how else to shut her up". i find this a shocking and rather terrifying mindset to be around.

does anyone else notice this to be true?

I didn't come across it myself, but you can't be sure what goes on behind closed doors

Including myself I have 3 other friends married to Thai men. I know 4 people isn't a huge study but none of us have been the victims of violence from our partners.

I think Boo's advice is sound

I never experienced it either Jasmine & have no friends who I know of too but have heard of it from other people. My above posts explains why i haven't but I am also a 6ft amazon women so it would be a really really stupid and or brave man to attempt it.

Well, ive been away from here for quite a while now, due to the fact I am back in England counting my blessings that my now ex Thai boyf never actually killed me. I am sure some of you can remember what happened to me back in Sept, and the truth really was that after all that happened and all the advice from tv members, I still ended up back with my boyfriend due to the fact that he took away all of my self esteem and confidence - which I would say you need a lot of to live as a single farrang girl in Thailand. So as things went from bad to worse and my nerves were about to blow i made a huge decision that the only way I could ever get away from the nutter was to leave the country, as in the past he had always managed to track me down in Thailand wherever I was. So I booked the ticket, waited till he was really stoned then told him I was off home to get my degree so I could come back and teach and we would live happily ever after in a freakin hut somewhere with loads of children, probably a few mia nois dotted around and his still ever pscycotic temper. Aherm, well sometimes you have to add a few white lies - but basically that is what I had to say to save myself any further hassle. It was all fine, I kept up the - yes yes I am definately coming back in 3/6/9 months etc etc.

On the way to the airport he went mad with a knife and pushed me over, so i kept calm and acted in the way I knew that would stop him from going completly mad, then it was fine - once I stepped on that plane up to bkk, the feeling I had was one you would never even imagine - of total freedom, away from the complete bas*tard, hoo bloody rah!!!

Never looked back, although he randomly calls, he never really gave a shit anyway, so now I am free and I love it. I will come back to Thailand one day, but I should imagine by then he will be dead or locked up or something.

I now look back and laugh at what a complet <deleted> i looked all that time, oh well you live and learn, so my advise to anyone in that kind of relationship would be - get out while you can, otherwize it might end up with you having to leave the beautiful country as I think with these Thai blokes, that is the only way you can know you are safe. For me, I think I was ready to pack up my job and island life and come back home anyway, but if you still love it out there, it could make the life you love a complete misery and you could end up in your home country feeling pretty <deleted>.

Refreshing to see a serious topic such as this moving along on TV with yet a troll in site.

Soph: Good for you for finding the courage to remove yourself from a bad situation.

Refreshing to see a serious topic such as this moving along on TV with yet a troll in site.

Troll dont last long in the Ladies forum TokyoT, our lovely lady mods have very little patience for them and they get zapped very quickly.

I think that many farang women who are in relationships with Thai men and live in Thailand are in fear of what their life would be like without their bf.

ah this is a good point which i didn't really think about.... i know a lot of girls fall in love with Thailand, not necessarily their Thai man... but the Thai man is a way for them to stay connected to Thailand, and thus a relationship develops where they end up leaning on the guy for support. but Thai men are very jealous and tend to isolate their girlfriends from society, so they lose any sense of control over their situation whatsoever and are at the mercy of the guy. i have managed to stay living in Thailand without a Thai man, but admittedly it is not easy. however maybe just being an example and a support line to these girls will help them to see it can be done without a boyfriend. it's sad to see them running back- their boyfriends can be so 2-sided, even I get confused by them, knowing they are horrible sometimes but seeing how sweet they can be. ugh.

oh congrats soph on getting out! i PM'd you awhile ago to check on you and you didn't answer so i worried a bit. good for you!

I think Boo is giving excellent advice – Offer support, a place to stay and time away from the abuser. I also agree with her advice that at some point you need to be able and willing to walk away from the problem if the abused is not taking the chances being offered.

I think using the power of peer pressure should be considered, a group of friends acting together rather than a single person trying to take the whole load.

Also, have you considered contacting a help group back home, you may find they can provide you with some basic guidelines

I would add some cautions: Think very carefully before getting directly involved, ie calling the police. Firstly the police will almost undoubtedly treat this as a domestic and therefore private matter. More importantly (for you) how will the abuser react? – Having already demonstrated that he violent the last thing you want is for you to become the focus of the violence.

It is not uncommon for the abused to side with the abuser in attacks on those who are trying to help – The psychology is simple (by siding with the abuser they hope to gain appreciation and therefore less abuse) Don’t get caught up in that.

I’d also see if you can find contact details for members of the abused person’s family – You’d need to treat that with care, but maybe it’s possible to enlist family support for the abused without being seen to interfere.

The observation of being tied to the abuser because of wanting to remain in Thailand is very valid and plays out in a huge number of problems many foreigners face in Thailand and I would add, Thais face when they go overseas with foreigners.

Soph’s account of the knife on the way to the airport is horrifying and perhaps a good example of why saying goodbye to abusers is probably best done with a telephone call from the arrivals hall back home.

Exellent post Guesthouse esp. the part about the abused backing the abuser when confronted & the reason why. I never realised that was the reason why but how many times have you agreed with a friend about a guy they were breaking up with only to have them go back to them & cast you as the villian trying to seperate them. The relationship is never the same.

Soph, you have shown considerable courage under stress & even more courage for getting away. If you ever need to chat pls pm me & I will give you my number here in the UK.

Well I'm not a woman..(I'm a man..and alwasy have been) - felt I'd better add the last bit there just to clarify..since this is thailand

The first place to start to change behaviors is the media. You long-time expats with Thai boyfriends will no doubt be pretty fluent in Thai and probably watch the soap operas here too..so you'll be very aware of the shocking levels of violence aganst women on TV. The soaps here show hi-so guys slapping around their rich GFs and wives. Sometimes it's a slap with a finger wagging.."Khao jai mai! Khao Jai Mai!!" Then she beats the maid.."Ga..Ga.."

This would never be acceptable on European or American/Canadian TV.

Remove the violence against women and vulnerable groups from TV and you're heading in the right direction..

Further to my post above..Why don't you work with your like-minded Thai women friends to shame TV3 and TV7 into stopping the violence against women on TV.

Do a PETA-style name and shame campaign outside their TV studios..

Go to the National human Rights Commission or the Broadcasting authority..make some noise!

Sorry I'm on a roll..

Here you go - a free slogan:

"Only a whimp hits a woman,

Only a coward calls it mass entertainment:

Kantana - Stop Profiting From Violence Against Women!"

There you go..go get 'em..

Well I'm not a woman..(I'm a man..and alwasy have been) - felt I'd better add the last bit there just to clarify..since this is thailand

The first place to start to change behaviors is the media. You long-time expats with Thai boyfriends will no doubt be pretty fluent in Thai and probably watch the soap operas here too..so you'll be very aware of the shocking levels of violence aganst women on TV. The soaps here show hi-so guys slapping around their rich GFs and wives. Sometimes it's a slap with a finger wagging.."Khao jai mai! Khao Jai Mai!!" Then she beats the maid.."Ga..Ga.."

This would never be acceptable on European or American/Canadian TV.

Remove the violence against women and vulnerable groups from TV and you're heading in the right direction..

Good point thaigene, violence against women (including rape) is treated not only as mundane but as the norm for behavior on these tv shows. I agree that it teaches everyone that it is somehow an acceptable solution.

Having lived here for ages, I have seen violence against wives by husbands (Thai-Thai as well as Farang-Thai) but I have also seen violence against husbands by wives. So, I can't say that it is the norm for men to beat their wives, just some men. Same for some women.

I think it is a bit more common in Thailand due to being more socially acceptable (as the TV shows demonstrate) and also due to a hbigher than average amount of heavy drinking by men. Alcohol and/or drugs play a role in the majority of domestic violence.

But what you describe does happen in all countries and the passivity and staying with abuser has a name -- "battered wife syndrome", if you google it you'll find a lot of info. There are women's groups and shelters in Thailnd, I think the Friends of Women Foundation is the best known. But mostly in Bangkok. I'm sure there are also online support groups based in the west that she could tap into.

Help is there for her but she has to decide to take it. You could maybe download & give her some info on the psychological effects of being battered, let her know she has somewhere to go and then just hope that she avails of it. I've only personally known one friend in this situation -- it was in the US but she was foreign, and I think that did add to her vulnerability. But what I noticed the most as she bounced back & forth between my couch and home was that she had trouble accepting reality. She didn't like the relationship she had, but didn't want to let go of the relationship she dreamed of having with this guy & couldn't accept that the one wasn't ever going to turn into the other. Eventually, she did. Some people are better at facing harsh reality and tough choices than others, while some people seem to think that if they want things to be different badly enough, reality will change to suit them. At least that seemed to be the dynamic with the woman I knew.

in the past i was in a relationship with a thai man. he (i found out afterwards but suspected during our time 'together') was a dirty rotten cheat and even had sex with another woman in my bed.

anyway, the last time i laid eyes on this pig was when he belted me fair across the face and side of my head with a backward swing of his forearm.

i never want to lay eyes on the prick again. luckily i am friends with his family and they were equally as shocked as i was at the time.

another friend of mine has an abusive partner. this man is a complete pig and myself along with many others are trying to get her out of there. i received an sms just last night saying that 'he was at it again' and another one saying 'oh its ok - i am just acting in the way he wants me to act' by being scared.

this woman wont leave him and i am very pissed off with her. she has offers of help yet she wont get out.

now i know that this isnt the norm. manyfriends of mine are in relationships with thai men who treat them very well with no violence at all.

its a shame that these pigs give all thai men a bad name.

Well, ive been away from here for quite a while now, due to the fact I am back in England counting my blessings that my now ex Thai boyfriend...

Soph, an incredibly insightful and soul-revealing post. I was deeply moved by your words, and your firm determination to respect yourself and save your future.

For every reader here who may come up against this social blight, you have done them a favor by your sharing. Thank you, and the best of luck to you!

Edited June 25, 200620 yr by toptuan

in the past i was in a relationship with a thai man. he (i found out afterwards but suspected during our time 'together') was a dirty rotten cheat and even had sex with another woman in my bed.

anyway, the last time i laid eyes on this pig was when he belted me fair across the face and side of my head with a backward swing of his forearm.

i never want to lay eyes on the prick again. luckily i am friends with his family and they were equally as shocked as i was at the time.

another friend of mine has an abusive partner. this man is a complete pig and myself along with many others are trying to get her out of there. i received an sms just last night saying that 'he was at it again' and another one saying 'oh its ok - i am just acting in the way he wants me to act' by being scared.

this woman wont leave him and i am very pissed off with her. she has offers of help yet she wont get out.

now i know that this isnt the norm. manyfriends of mine are in relationships with thai men who treat them very well with no violence at all.

its a shame that these pigs give all thai men a bad name.

just want to add something to my post....my friend left the man. and im so proud of her. YOU GO GIRL! there is a whole new life awaiting you...

yeah i should mention that so far 2 out of 3 of my friends also have left their guys. they both strayed at first and went back to see them, but haven't gone so far as to move back in. so it's just the one girl left who is hopeless. it's nice to see that these girls managed to muster up the strength to detach themselves though.

Well, ive been away from here for quite a while now, due to the fact I am back in England counting my blessings that my now ex Thai boyf never actually killed me. I am sure some of you can remember what happened to me back in Sept, and the truth really was that after all that happened and all the advice from tv members, I still ended up back with my boyfriend due to the fact that he took away all of my self esteem and confidence - which I would say you need a lot of to live as a single farrang girl in Thailand. So as things went from bad to worse and my nerves were about to blow i made a huge decision that the only way I could ever get away from the nutter was to leave the country, as in the past he had always managed to track me down in Thailand wherever I was. So I booked the ticket, waited till he was really stoned then told him I was off home to get my degree so I could come back and teach and we would live happily ever after in a freakin hut somewhere with loads of children, probably a few mia nois dotted around and his still ever pscycotic temper. Aherm, well sometimes you have to add a few white lies - but basically that is what I had to say to save myself any further hassle. It was all fine, I kept up the - yes yes I am definately coming back in 3/6/9 months etc etc.

On the way to the airport he went mad with a knife and pushed me over, so i kept calm and acted in the way I knew that would stop him from going completly mad, then it was fine - once I stepped on that plane up to bkk, the feeling I had was one you would never even imagine - of total freedom, away from the complete bas*tard, hoo bloody rah!!!

Never looked back, although he randomly calls, he never really gave a shit anyway, so now I am free and I love it. I will come back to Thailand one day, but I should imagine by then he will be dead or locked up or something.

I now look back and laugh at what a complet <deleted> i looked all that time, oh well you live and learn, so my advise to anyone in that kind of relationship would be - get out while you can, otherwize it might end up with you having to leave the beautiful country as I think with these Thai blokes, that is the only way you can know you are safe. For me, I think I was ready to pack up my job and island life and come back home anyway, but if you still love it out there, it could make the life you love a complete misery and you could end up in your home country feeling pretty <deleted>.

Although I don't know you personally, I feel absolutely brilliant for you having read your post.

I can understand that in the real world, no matter how many freinds tell a woman she must get away from a thug that beats her, it will not always be easy. Human emotions are a complex thing and the right course of action or the seemingly most obvious course of action, i.e. leaving, is not always the easiest.

I congratualte you for the move you made and wish you all the luck in the world in your future relationships.

I am married to a Thai and we have a young baby. He has hit me in the past but since having a baby things have got much worse and it is now almost 'normal' for him to hit me once a week. We moved to the UK several years ago. I feel that being Thai he does see it as normal to hit women as that is what he has been brought up with in his family. He does know that it's not ok but can't seem to stop himself.

I'm in such a difficult situation as I still love him but know I cannot stay with a man who hits me, with the possiblity that in the future he may hit our child. I just keep hoping that it wont happen again but it always does. We have been through so much together as you can probably appreciate it's not easy to bring a Thai to the UK to live and as well as having baby together which just makes the whole situation worse.

The wife and I have just had a second bout of "putting up a battered and Verbally insulted (a big deal!) woman friend of ours"/her's.

She has now gone back - again.

She is Thai. He is English. The farang/Thai miv, is an Exotic one, either way.

Interesting to hear the Womans' side of things...Refreshing strains of logic abound.

The sister in law was confronted by a Swedish girl, saying "You Thai women all want money for sex."

The reply..."Whilst you farang girls lie on your back for flowers.'

Good luck, all of you. I hope you gained something from the new perspective.

I am married to a Thai and we have a young baby. He has hit me in the past but since having a baby things have got much worse and it is now almost 'normal' for him to hit me once a week. We moved to the UK several years ago. I feel that being Thai he does see it as normal to hit women as that is what he has been brought up with in his family. He does know that it's not ok but can't seem to stop himself.

I'm in such a difficult situation as I still love him but know I cannot stay with a man who hits me, with the possiblity that in the future he may hit our child. I just keep hoping that it wont happen again but it always does. We have been through so much together as you can probably appreciate it's not easy to bring a Thai to the UK to live and as well as having baby together which just makes the whole situation worse.

Am not from the UK, but am sure there are support services for abused women - like any other western country. You cop a beating once a week - at the moment- and since you seem to accept it, maybe the violence could grow in frequency.

DON'T put up with the abuse that probably will never stop. Are you afraid of being a single mother? Do you want your child to grow up watching you being beaten on a regular basis? Move on to a better space for the sake of your child's wellbeing and your future happiness.

It makes no difference where the man is from - it is WRONG for men to commit violence against women. You DO NOT deserve this misery. You were born for a better life. Act now!

well said khall, I can understand if a women is in thailand with an abusive thai husband & is unsure or unable to get help but in the UK, no way. Where are your family, freinds? Ask for help & you will get it. Is you husband on a residency visa in the UK, does he have ILR or a british passport? There are a lot of options for you;

http://www.lcdv.co.uk/

http://www.bbc.co.uk/crime/support/domesticviolence.shtml

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

http://www.refuge.org.uk/

http://www.homeoffice.gov.uk/crime-victims...estic-violence/

These results were from just googling "domestic violence UK" & there are many more. Call one of the links above to find out how you can get help. You do not have to put up with this. Get help now before he turns on your child.

Good luck

I do agree with the above postings about it being easier to get help in the UK, however it's not so much getting help as deciding to leave him in the first place. I am planning to return to Thailand next year, with or without my husband to work in teach. I guess I agree with many of the earlier posts as it would be so much easier for me to do this with my husband. However, I do worry about how I would cope in Thailand without him depsite having lived there for several years and having many friends. My main worry being how I would cope being a single mother in Thailand.

I do agree with the above postings about it being easier to get help in the UK, however it's not so much getting help as deciding to leave him in the first place. I am planning to return to Thailand next year, with or without my husband to work in teach. I guess I agree with many of the earlier posts as it would be so much easier for me to do this with my husband. However, I do worry about how I would cope in Thailand without him depsite having lived there for several years and having many friends. My main worry being how I would cope being a single mother in Thailand.

Deal with the first problem first? Stay within your safety net? Be responsible! Make sure you have have full direction for you & child before you run away back to Thailand? Think about it!!!!?

The wife and I have just had a second bout of "putting up a battered and Verbally insulted (a big deal!) woman friend of ours"/her's.

She has now gone back - again.

She is Thai. He is English. The farang/Thai miv, is an Exotic one, either way.

Interesting to hear the Womans' side of things...Refreshing strains of logic abound.

The sister in law was confronted by a Swedish girl, saying "You Thai women all want money for sex."

The reply..."Whilst you farang girls lie on your back for flowers.'

Good luck, all of you. I hope you gained something from the new perspective.

And your point is?????????