In trouble for trying to be charitable

[yanyk]

Ok , I work in a school in the north, so this week , i decided to buy some gifts and visit the local Hospital here. I was confused on what to buy but finally decided to but 3 cartons of tissue paper and a carton of milk. So yesterday Morning , before going to the hospital, i thought it wise to inform my school director (who happens to have friends in the hospital), After telling, he asked to see everything i bought which i showed him, he asked me WHY i decided to do that, i told him i was taught to do things like this from childhood. he said OK, its cool. Later same day, the "story" had gone around school and i had more than 10 other colleagues trying to ask me WHY WHY WHY did i decide to do that, one even telling me THAIS can buy what they need. i was baffled by this because they looked stunned by my gesture.

One tried to console me instead and said its not Thai culture to buy Things like Tissue paper in cartons to give as a gift, that i should have either paid for one patients hospital bill or better still take those items to the temple for the monks.

I am really confused now. what can i do ?

[Costas2008]

Do not be confused OP, and carry on being charitable as you are now.

It is for yourself really that makes you feel better and not for the others and what they will say or think.

I can see that your so called colleagues are full of jealousy for you and your actions.

And just an advice try to keep away from them, they are no good news.

Nothing to do with Thai Culture or loss of face.

This is clearly the reaction of ignorant people.

I have done that many times in the past, my wife being a nurse and my actions were always welcomed by the patients or the hospital staff.

[casualbiker]

Ignore them. Do what you like!

[sustento]

You might want to consider buying something other than milk if you ever buy any other gifts as many Thais are lactose intolerant.

[Mrjlh]

Could it be the "Hospital" might see this as an insult? Hospitals here pride themselves on supplying the patients with everything they might need (whether they do or not is not the point) Saving face attitude is. Best you give to the Temples.

[roly]

I know you were trying to be charitable, but what kind of a gift is tissue paper and milk?

What's wrong with flowers and grapes as is the norm in the west?

It reminds me of a time when I was going to a French friend's birthday party. I stopped at the 7-11 on the way to pick up some sangsom (you know, like the kind of thing that people give as gifts for birthdays!?), but my girlfriend suggested a wicker basket full of that weird "Brand" drink (looks something like Bovril, who knows what it is). I just thought that was a weird gift, just like the tissue paper and milk :-)

Edited September 11, 2014 by roly

[roly]

"One tried to console me instead and said its not Thai culture to buy Things like Tissue paper in cartons to give as a gift, that i should have either paid for one patients hospital bill or better still take those items to the temple for the monks".

It's not in anyone's culture to buy those as gifts :-)

I wouldn't feel bad about it though, just forget about it, and next time pay someone's bill...sorry for an additional post. I've probably made the OP feel really bad now and more confused....

[yanyk]

i am not from the west man, i am African and in my culture what you give does not really matter but your intention matters...nobody asked me to do it..there are people out there who needs these things

[yanyk]

"One tried to console me instead and said its not Thai culture to buy Things like Tissue paper in cartons to give as a gift, that i should have either paid for one patients hospital bill or better still take those items to the temple for the monks".

It's not in anyone's culture to buy those as gifts :-)

I wouldn't feel bad about it though, just forget about it, and next time pay someone's bill...sorry for an additional post. I've probably made the OP feel really bad now and more confused....

Do you have a culture? please tell me about it

[iSabai]

What's wrong with flowers and grapes as is the norm in the west?

Flowers and grapes?? Som tam and khao nieow would have been more appropriate.

[WitawatWatawit]

yanyk, the sad truth is that no gift is appreciated unless it is cold hard cash. Sorry, but that's the reality, and it's been slammed in my face many a time. The little gestures that you and I might regard as expressions of warmth and friendliness do not always mean anything here (I say "not always" because some Thais do appreciate your token gestures for what they are, bless them). You obviously have a good heart - please don't be disparaged.

[roly]

"One tried to console me instead and said its not Thai culture to buy Things like Tissue paper in cartons to give as a gift, that i should have either paid for one patients hospital bill or better still take those items to the temple for the monks".

It's not in anyone's culture to buy those as gifts :-)

I wouldn't feel bad about it though, just forget about it, and next time pay someone's bill...sorry for an additional post. I've probably made the OP feel really bad now and more confused....

Do you have a culture? please tell me about it

Don't be offended I was only trying to lighten things up and make it a little humours (hence the smiley faces) - don't take it so personally.

It was a nice gesture, sure, but as one of the other posters on here said, it seems to me that Thais would prefer cash to most gifts. My EX girlfriend from several years ago (and thankfully, she is an ex as she turned out to be a real b*tch) even looked disappointed when I bought her a gold (not Thai gold, the western style harder gold) necklace for 14,000 baht because she said she couldn't sell it if she had a problem!!

Maybe the best gift is just to do what it seems like you have already been doing - i.e. to donate a day of your time at the hospital - then nobody can say the gift is strange/weird, it doesn't cost you anything (except time) and the patients might enjoy it.

Edited September 11, 2014 by roly

[kmj]

yanyk, the sad truth is that no gift is appreciated unless it is cold hard cash. Sorry, but that's the reality, and it's been slammed in my face many a time. The little gestures that you and I might regard as expressions of warmth and friendliness do not always mean anything here (I say "not always" because some Thais do appreciate your token gestures for what they are, bless them). You obviously have a good heart - please don't be disparaged.

From my experience food is normally pretty much appreciated, when we have people visiting buying fresh seafood and bbq on the beach always goes down well

Edited September 12, 2014 by kmj

[KonKorat]

Ignore them,the patients know you are a nice person

[realenglish1]

Thais think money is everything Too bad they do not understand what makes a person classy or not Its certainly not their cloths or money

And they will never get it

[SOTIRIOS]

.......sick.......jealous......!@#$%^&*rds.....

[Tywais]

I don't think it was so much a matter of your giving but what you were giving. It implies the hospital can't take care of its daily needs.

Now what probably would go over with both staff and hospital is to give toys to kids in the children's ward. Believe that is well received anywhere in the world.

[Suradit69]

Being charitable can appear to be condescending at the personal level.

If someone decided to send some basic household items to you at home, it would imply that you appeared needy. Many people would consider that more insulting than generous and feel affronted at the assumption that they were in need of charity.

Even those who are genuinely in need would like to maintain their dignity. That's why anonymously donating to a charity, though somewhat impersonal, often works better than making a show out of handing something unsolicited to an individual or institution.

Not putting down your kind efforts, but the distinction between generosity and showy condescension can be blurred for some people especially when a foreigner wants to act like benevolent farang dispensing some little "treats" to the poor locals.

[abhaya]

Although you're intentions were good, it might be viewed as condescending towards their culture and possibly even a wee bit cheap, three cartons of tissue and a carton of milk will be difficult to share equitably with a whole hospital. After living in Asia 30 years randomly handing out "freebies" to strangers is considered a bit weird and goes unappreciated.

[iamariva1957]

My suggestion is to give what you purchased to the Monks as was suggested to you.

But if you still want to do something for patients in the hospital... then go to and buy some toys and coloring stuff, etc for the children in the Children's Ward. Doing this will bring great "Face" and the smiles you will get from the kids will be well worth your time and effort. Also the floor nurses will be over whelmed by your generosity. No one will ask " Why you do that?". No one will fault you at all. For you are doing it for the kids.

Giving milk and tissue paper given the fact that they are everyday items that all Thais can and do buy, sort of makes your gift look as if they are unable to do that themselves and in turn a loss of Face. Toys or coloring books or even small stuffed toys are not in that category and so are safe to give. Besides you are doing it for the kids who are sick and frightened (more than likely). A far better idea than 'supermarket stuff'!

[Estrada]

You might want to consider buying something other than milk if you ever buy any other gifts as many Thais are lactose intolerant.

Generally most Thais are not lactose intolerant. I used to work for Thai Dairy here and they started the school milk program 30 years ago so most Thais are not lactose intolerent. i also used to manufacture all the school milk for West and East Malaysia. For the tribes in the jungle of Borneo we used to supply chocolate milk as some of those children who are new first generation of milk drinkers could be lactose intolerent.

[fxe1200]

"One tried to console me instead and said its not Thai culture to buy Things like Tissue paper in cartons to give as a gift, that i should have either paid for one patients hospital bill or better still take those items to the temple for the monks".

It's not in anyone's culture to buy those as gifts :-)

I wouldn't feel bad about it though, just forget about it, and next time pay someone's bill...sorry for an additional post. I've probably made the OP feel really bad now and more confused....

Do you have a culture? please tell me about it

Don't be offended I was only trying to lighten things up and make it a little humours (hence the smiley faces) - don't take it so personally.

It was a nice gesture, sure, but as one of the other posters on here said, it seems to me that Thais would prefer cash to most gifts. My EX girlfriend from several years ago (and thankfully, she is an ex as she turned out to be a real b*tch) even looked disappointed when I bought her a gold (not Thai gold, the western style harder gold) necklace for 14,000 baht because she said she couldn't sell it if she had a problem!!

Maybe the best gift is just to do what it seems like you have already been doing - i.e. to donate a day of your time at the hospital - then nobody can say the gift is strange/weird, it doesn't cost you anything (except time) and the patients might enjoy it.

The so called "harder gold" is normally "585" or 750 Gold, meaning that, it is 14 Karat or 18 Karat (only), thus an alloy with precious other metals. The Gold in Thailand is normally 24 Karat, in India 22Karat is mainly used for jewellery. Gold jewellery with less than 24 Karat is considered "cheap" in Thailand, though artful chasing cannot be done with 24 Karat Gold, it is way to soft.

Meaningful donations, without giving cash, can be made by organizing and conduct a visit of an aqua-park, or zoo, for children of an orphanage, or another charity, which takes care of social disadvantaged children. Believe me, they really appreciate it.

Edited September 12, 2014 by fxe1200

[fittobethaied]

I wouldn't give diddly-squat to a monk. The Thais will course all of their giving through the temple because that's their way of making merit (scoring big brownie points with Buddha). Making merit implies the the giver will benefit and that is totally contradictory to being truly charitable. Making merit is selfishness and charity is selflessness! Besides that, if you give something to the monk you can never be certain that it will ever get into the hands of a needy person since the monks themselves become needy persons if the gift is desirable for their personal use. According to biblical scripture your giving should be very personal and done in secret so that the right hand doesn't even know what the left hand is doing. If I were you I would look for a needy family and personally deliver items of necessity like food or clothing as you feel led. Forget about trying to please your boss and the institutions. In Thailand the saying is true..."no good deed goes unpunished"!

[fxe1200]

I wouldn't give diddly-squat to a monk. The Thais will course all of their giving through the temple because that's their way of making merit (scoring big brownie points with Buddha). Making merit implies the the giver will benefit and that is totally contradictory to being truly charitable. Making merit is selfishness and charity is selflessness! Besides that, if you give something to the monk you can never be certain that it will ever get into the hands of a needy person since the monks themselves become needy persons if the gift is desirable for their personal use. According to biblical scripture your giving should be very personal and done in secret so that the right hand doesn't even know what the left hand is doing. If I were you I would look for a needy family and personally deliver items of necessity like food or clothing as you feel led. Forget about trying to please your boss and the institutions. In Thailand the saying is true..."no good deed goes unpunished"!

Totally right. whenever we have a bunch of clothing and shoes, which became to small for our kids, we have it washed, neatly folded. Then we give it to families, who work as construction workers, and live in huts made from corrugated sheet. They love it.

[bluebellpepper]

Keep on going like this guy is doing (and forget that it is a commercial):

[kleelof]

i am not from the west man, i am African and in my culture what you give does not really matter but your intention matters...nobody asked me to do it..there are people out there who needs these things

Shortly after coming to Thailand, I was invited to be the best man in a Thai wedding. I was told I couldn't ask for advice (???)

ANyway, I showed up with a picture frame as a gift. The guy and his new bride gave it a strange look.

Leter, of course, I learned you are supposed to give money.

Lesson learned -

Next time I just asked Thais before I gave gifts or anything like that.

And, in fact, I'm a better gift giver now, Thai or Farang, than I ever was before.

[Pii Kate]

I know you were trying to be charitable, but what kind of a gift is tissue paper and milk?

What's wrong with flowers and grapes as is the norm in the west?

It reminds me of a time when I was going to a French friend's birthday party. I stopped at the 7-11 on the way to pick up some sangsom (you know, like the kind of thing that people give as gifts for birthdays!?), but my girlfriend suggested a wicker basket full of that weird "Brand" drink (looks something like Bovril, who knows what it is). I just thought that was a weird gift, just like the tissue paper and milk :-)

Actually giving flowers is not done here unless you are graduating from college or university. Thais appreciate practical gifts. Shampoo, body soap, handi-wipes, etc.

[jomcondo]

"finally decided to buy 3 cartons of tissue paper and a carton of milk"

lol.......what was the logic behind that purchase.......so someone could have a special milk bed bath?

[Gandtee]

Politely tell them to mind their own business!

[gerry123]

"One tried to console me instead and said its not Thai culture to buy Things like Tissue paper in cartons to give as a gift, that i should have either paid for one patients hospital bill or better still take those items to the temple for the monks".

It's not in anyone's culture to buy those as gifts :-)

I wouldn't feel bad about it though, just forget about it, and next time pay someone's bill...sorry for an additional post. I've probably made the OP feel really bad now and more confused....

Do you have a culture? please tell me about it

didn't think it would be very far down the post that you started to chuck the toys out