We just can't get along

[flyingsaucersarereal]

I just can't get along with the Thai father inlaw.

When the weekend comes around I buy a large buffet and whisky for everyone and we all sit down to eat except for him he eats alone.

When I try to talk to him(I can speak Thai) he barely says anything back as if I am invisible.

I have my own apartment and he lives with my wife and her son in there rented house that I help pay for.

Everyday for him is a day of watching TV an drinking whisky.

I am annoyed with the entitlement attitude that he never has to lift a finger to help.

I wish my wife or someone would challenge this behavior but everyone seems to just cough it up as "that's just the way he is"

Can parents in Thailand do no wrong? Am I really so bad? I don't know what to make of this situation other than I think it is wrong.

[ATF]

Seems like he's got life figured out. You are the one with the problem.

[flyingsaucersarereal]

That's a real serious answer thanks

[NeverSure]

When someone treats me like that, after a while I blame it on him and then I don't give a shit what he thinks. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life kissing someone's ass when he wants to be an a hole.

What's up with your wife not living with you? Is he controlling that? What's her position on the living situation? Is she also dissing you or siding with her father? That sounds like the more odd part.

Can you get her, move away some distance, and just have her visit her parents sometimes without you?

Problems with in-laws are common the world over. He may feel like you outshine him with a better education, more money etc., or he may be afraid of losing position of the leader or whatever. All are issues of face.

If my wife wouldn't live with me due to her father, she'd soon be an ex, but I don't know the whole situation.

[flyingsaucersarereal]

When someone treats me like that, after a while I blame it on him and then I don't give a shit what he thinks. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life kissing someone's ass when he wants to be an a hole.

What's up with your wife not living with you? Is he controlling that? What's her position on the living situation? Is she also dissing you or siding with her father? That sounds like the more odd part.

Can you get her, move away some distance, and just have her visit her parents sometimes without you?

Problems with in-laws are common the world over. He may feel like you outshine him with a better education, more money etc., or he may be afraid of losing position of the leader or whatever. All are issues of face.

If my wife wouldn't live with me due to her father, she'd soon be an ex, but I don't know the whole situation.

My wife has a son and they all live near the son's school so she lives there to take care of him and take him to school.

I have tried to live there at the house with him but there is just not enough room and I need peace and quiet because I work a graveyard shift.

[ukrules]

How old is this cantankerous old git ?

[flyingsaucersarereal]

How old is this cantankerous old git ?

He is approx 60 years old.

I am 29 and my wife is 30

[Datebayo]

Dude, are u trolling? LOL

If my father IL would treat me like that, I would stop the money flow to his rent payments and whiskey. Let's see how he gonna treat me then! Sure he would be more friendly and respectfull to me.

[krisb]

Your fil is just taking the piss out of you mate.

He has little respect for you, and likely sees it as your wife who supplies his life, not you.

Not much you can do really except totally ignore him. Your wife will side with her lazy father till he dies, and because your child is there, you can't upset your wife too much.

Even if you moved to another city, he would probably follow. On the other side, be happy she doesn't have brothers moving in also.

[benalibina]

Your fil is just taking the piss out of you mate.

He has little respect for you, and likely sees it as your wife who supplies his life, not you.

Not much you can do really except totally ignore him. Your wife will side with her lazy father till he dies, and because your child is there, you can't upset your wife too much.

Even if you moved to another city, he would probably follow. On the other side, be happy she doesn't have brothers moving in also.

Well....because he hasnt mentioned that.....doesnt mean they are not around.....

[thai20144]

Is he from Issan by any chance?

Their as dumb as a broom handle and the conversation will end up in a big stupid laugh most of the time.

Man up and stop giving him any respect, as he does to you.

[David48]

If your Wife's Father was being treated like that (being taken care of by the Family) before you entered the relationship, did you think those dynamics would change because of your value set?

This is a Culture and a Country where sometimes, Wifes and Mia Nois get on fine, sometimes even socialising together if the situation and the Face requires it.

It's the old chestnut ... marry the Thai Girl, marry her Family.

Before I get married, I'm living with the gf's Family so I have a full understanding of the various relationships and dynamics. This way I discover if their various nuances are within my tolerance set. Thankfully, I have to say ... so far ... so good

But Man ... have I got some stories to tell ...

Difficult situation you have ... best of luck.

.

[chrisinth]

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When someone treats me like that, after a while I blame it on him and then I don't give a shit what he thinks. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life kissing someone's ass when he wants to be an a hole.

What's up with your wife not living with you? Is he controlling that? What's her position on the living situation? Is she also dissing you or siding with her father? That sounds like the more odd part.

Can you get her, move away some distance, and just have her visit her parents sometimes without you?

Problems with in-laws are common the world over. He may feel like you outshine him with a better education, more money etc., or he may be afraid of losing position of the leader or whatever. All are issues of face.

If my wife wouldn't live with me due to her father, she'd soon be an ex, but I don't know the whole situation.

My wife has a son and they all live near the son's school so she lives there to take care of him and take him to school.

I have tried to live there at the house with him but there is just not enough room and I need peace and quiet because I work a graveyard shift.

Move the FIL into the apartment and you move into the house. Leave him by himself for a while......................

[AnotherOneAmerican]

What's up with your wife not living with you? Is he controlling that? What's her position on the living situation? Is she also dissing you or siding with her father? That sounds like the more odd part.

Sounds like a variation on the 'brother' game.

Is OP SURE it's her father, cos I'm not.

[laolover88]

Let it be

Just be polite and considerate. Your wife will like that. Everyone else can see what is going on. No-one will be blaming you

Expect nothing in return.

After all, what do you want him to do?

Thai boys are bad enough, old Thai boys are worse. My father in law tried to kill us and then he fell down stairs.

A Thai family is not like a farang family. They don't really do dinner parties where they sit down and talk about mortgages,Beyonce,Harry Potter . Well they do sometimes: usually land and money.

What does your wife think?

[benalibina]

What's up with your wife not living with you? Is he controlling that? What's her position on the living situation? Is she also dissing you or siding with her father? That sounds like the more odd part.

Sounds like a variation on the 'brother' game.

Is OP SURE it's her father, cos I'm not.

Suspicious forever u....

[benalibina]

Let it be

Just be polite and considerate. Your wife will like that. Everyone else can see what is going on. No-one will be blaming you

Thai boys are bad enough, old Thai boys are worse. My father in law tried to kill us and then he fell down stairs.

Hmmm....i must assume that you were not polite and considerate.

[NeverSure]

When someone treats me like that, after a while I blame it on him and then I don't give a shit what he thinks. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life kissing someone's ass when he wants to be an a hole.

What's up with your wife not living with you? Is he controlling that? What's her position on the living situation? Is she also dissing you or siding with her father? That sounds like the more odd part.

Can you get her, move away some distance, and just have her visit her parents sometimes without you?

Problems with in-laws are common the world over. He may feel like you outshine him with a better education, more money etc., or he may be afraid of losing position of the leader or whatever. All are issues of face.

If my wife wouldn't live with me due to her father, she'd soon be an ex, but I don't know the whole situation.

My wife has a son and they all live near the son's school so she lives there to take care of him and take him to school.

I have tried to live there at the house with him but there is just not enough room and I need peace and quiet because I work a graveyard shift.

There are no other schools in Thailand? Your wife doesn't care enough to change his school so you can all be together?

[WitawatWatawit]

You've moved in as the dominant alpha male, and he resents it. He may not have been the best provider in the world before you came along, but he claimed and was given his due as the superior figure in his tiny little world. He is used to female adoration and attention, even though he may not deserve it. You've changed that dynamic. He lives in a rented house that you pay for, and that's a serious chunk of emasculation. I'd be very wary of him if he's as morose and anti-social with you as you suggest - it could be (could be) a sign of intense dislike for you, maybe even pathological dislike. I'd stay away from him, quite frankly.

[aussieinthailand]

Is he from Issan by any chance?

Their as dumb as a broom handle and the conversation will end up in a big stupid laugh most of the time.

Man up and stop giving him any respect, as he does to you.

Don't kiss up to him, stop the whisky and cash flow. Maybe he just has no respect for falang, or maybe just dislike's you personally?

thai20144, As for is he from Issan by any chance? and their as dumb as a broom handle comment, I guess that can be true for some, but not all, I personal know a number of well educated people from Issan, and some with greater intellect than many falang here and OS,

[soihok]

I am happy that I have an excellent relationship with my in laws, including all my Thai brothers in law and their families. Very grateful indeed.

We all help each other out.

Sorry to hear of your dilemma

Edited September 22, 2014 by soihok

[steven100]

As mentioned earlier ...

He is acting the way he has for the past 40 years or whatever ....

Now you have come along and expect him to change immediately , because you buy whiskey & food & rent.

He didn't ask you to buy anything ... he didn't ask you to be his son in-law ...

It's the way he is and he won't change just because you came along ....

It's probably not that he resents you ... it's just the way he is & has been .. for a long time.

Second point ..... I certainly would'nt stop buying the whiskey & food ect ...... how do you think it would look if all of a sudden you stop buying or paying ...

What do you think the rest of the gang will think of you then ?

You will create a bigger mess than you have already !! believe me.

Just because he doesn't talk or bow to you should'nt be a concern at all. Just forget about it and get on with life !

I think you made the mistake of paying for the whiskey & food & rent from the start .... maybe cut back on the food & whiskey .. but don't stop it.

[Tonto21]

OK, I can see how easy it is to get into a situation like this…… But, not how you can’t get out of it.

To start with there will be no winners, your wife will side with the FI no matter what and you will not in control of what’s going on any more than you are now. Any action you now try to bring the FI into line will be seen as showing great disrespect to him, (by him)……Your wife will side with him, (no option) and you will move your status from; “nan farang’ too “nan farang keenok”………

I could say more, but I think it will come across as being rude or spiteful and I’m not trying to do that.

I will say just one thing more, I find it odd that your wife lives apart from you and the excuse regarding the child’s school, I find this a little odd considering Thai culture.

Good luck in sorting it out!

[ukrules]

Perhaps more stronger whisky is the solution to your problem, it could well hasten his eventual demise, turn him into an &lt;deleted&gt; that even his daughter throws out.

[Toknarok]

Are you the same bloke that was moaning on Yahoo news this morning? Seriously if I were in your position I'd be long gone. Your wife makes no effort at all to back you up, you have been driven out of your own home. What's the matter with you? If you had a child of your own it might be different, but you are supporting a woman and her family who appear to have little or no consideration for you or your welfare. Walk away.

[choochoo]

Seems like he's got life figured out. You are the one with the problem.

He is who he is..................lol.

You are who you are..............lol.

I think fater in law is going to win-even though he isnt trying to.

Edited September 22, 2014 by choochoo

[choochoo]

Dude, are u trolling? LOL

If my father IL would treat me like that, I would stop the money flow to his rent payments and whiskey. Let's see how he gonna treat me then! Sure he would be more friendly and respectfull to me.

You can give all the money you want if a person isnt into you they just arent.

[JDGRUEN]

OP - it obviously bothers you deeply but somehow it does not seem you are willing to do anything about it... or you would have done it all ready... If you are going to shell out money -- if it were me... I would figure out how to get him a suitable apartment - with a maid to come by and take care of him... cook, clean ... get his cable TV..

Tell your wife of this plan -- figure out where you both can live with her child -- unless he wants to live with the FIL...

And then tell her the full plan - you - she and the child are moving -- to where ever - maybe not far... FIL will just have to deal with it ... If the wife refuses this plan - then you know where you stand -- which is the very bottom rung of the ladder...

Most MEN would not stand for such a stupid deal ... If you wife wants to have her father taken care of - then you have provided for that.... You would still only have two abodes to pay for - or pay part or most... This plan is reasonable ... for any culture... If she refuses - then you either EAT the situation and stop complaining or Do something about it -- likely go find a totally new situation ... There are millions of women in Thailand your age - with no children - no father in law that you will have to take care of ... Find a woman with no parents - or had two parents and the mother in law will take care of the FIL ...

I say quit being a submissive meal ticket...

Respecting Thai culture is fine - but you are 1/2 of the marriage - where is the respect for your culture - done in return -- life in Thailand does not have to be a one way street... of give give give - bend bend bend ... You would not do it in your home country would you ? Or perhaps you would... which puts another slant of the story...

[seajae]

mate, a bit over the top, if your wife loved you she would be with you. This situation is bullsh*t, why even be married if she is not prepared to live with you. I realize thais take care of their parents but there is a limit to this, if she prefers to be with her father then accept the truth of it and leave, it isnt worth the insult being placed on you, looks like you are just the money supply to them. I would be giving her an alternative, either you are a couple or you are not, sorry but I refuse to be used by anyone seems you dont mind it at all if you live in this situation.

Are there any other family or is it just her and dad, if she is the only one then put him up in an apartment and pay someone to look after him, if she cannot accept that then move on and find someone that wants to be with you without all the bullsh*t.

[flyingsaucersarereal]

Here's some more back story.

My life was a happy one before the father in law came into it. See he got out of jail after being locked up for over 1 year "long story"

Our house doesn't have a lot of room and I offered to move him out somewhere else so he could live alone but the wife was against it.

I just couldn't stand to live with that arrangement anymore and I found myself a apartment and moved out.

I come by and visit often and the wife stays with me half the time but goes back home to take care of her son and send him to school.

I am a day sleeper because of work and I need my rest and there is too much noise and not enough space at the house.