Getting engaged; what will happen next and how to prioritise costs?

[louse1953]

Dont buy anything except Thai gold,as these can be pawned easily,no wants that foreign muck.

[louse1953]

Yes. Once in April (we spent Songkran together in Thailand) and once in August (she came to visit for a month).

Lamb to slaughter!!!

[Wat dee]

If you are thinking getting a platinum ring maybe you should hold your horses.

[Wat dee]

fbf,future bitter TV-member.

[Nobleman1]

I live in Isan, its big business to marry foreignors for big money then clean them out and do it again to another fool. Do not spend money on them or you will be very sorry. There are some good girls. You sir, do not have one

[Lobber]

If you are serious about this GOD help ya... experienced TV experts will

If you are taking the P155 then its made my day

Edited October 1, 2014 by Lobber

[snowyy73]

and add the divorce costs to your list.

I took years before i jumped in....it was over after one year...she got £45000 from the courts!!!

[SilverBeast]

Met her twice...going to get married. Oh boy, this doesn't bode well.

I got my Thai wife a $3000 ring, got married over in the Isaan region and had about 900 people at the wedding...not entirely sure what all that costs. Gave all the gift money to the parents to cover the cost of the wedding. I figured that was pretty good because I basically didn't pay anything for the wedding. Gift money from all the guests was about 450,000 baht. I just had to pay for our flights over and back. Had 19 Canadian guests and we went on a big tour of Thailand before and after the wedding. Twas quite the adventure

Sinsod was 2,000,000...but I got it all back anyways so I'm not sure what that matters other then just looking good I guess. TIT right? But this wasn't after meeting a girl twice. This was after being together 4 years, living together in Canada for almost 3 and buying a house together(with a significant sum of cash that came this way from Thailand). She and I are both working 2 jobs each right now and are doing just fine...

[BadBouy]

Have you met her in person?

That question next that avatar, priceless!

[mikecat]

I hate being negative but really, you have met the girl once at Songkran. You have known her for five minutes and your talking about getting in to debt, throwing money here and there. If your going to spend money use it to come over here for a while and spend time with her, live with her. Find out what she is really like and let her find out what your really like. Find out how it goes with the family as they will always come first with her. Anyway, hope it all goes well for you, no need to rush, take your time and be sure,

[Jaggg88]

Do Thai's get engaged and expect rings? I never came across it before

Yes they get engaged but they expect gold as a gift not a ring.

[khunpa]

Since you are in such a rush, then why don't you just jump right to the end step? Call her up on Skype and say you want a divorce.

Sorry, but reading through your post (which made me smile/laugh quite a few times), I can see no other option than filing for divorce already now - before the engagement. Simply because, It will save you time, money and a broken heart.

For Gods sake man, you have only been really together with her for 5 weeks in total!!! I have been with my massage-lady more than that!

Save the money for any ring, wedding party etc..... fly to Thailand and get to know her and her family first, if you want to marry this girl.

Are you out of your mind???

Edited October 1, 2014 by khunpa

[fbf]

Wow, thanks for so many comments, stories and all the advice. It's good to get a broad spectrum of views, so thanks for taking the time. Because my original question was about the "how" of getting married, apologies to those who prefer to discuss the "if" for the lack of background information that might help such a discussion.

This morning I found out that she prefers platinum to gold, and later in in the day I talked to her at length on the subject of marriage and money. When I said that paying for a wedding would be a problem, she said she was not surprised. She said that if we get married legally, then she still wants a wedding party, but only two people need to be there.

So about the sin sod amount; to be fair, I was on a fishing expedition when she mentioned about this, and it's not that falang "should" pay more, just that she believes they do. She might not really know, and if anyone were to guess, they might assume falang pay more. It would be my guess too.

So how much sin sod does she want? Well, it's not that she wants a large amount, but she doesn't want a small amount. Isn't that the same thing? Not exactly. She doesn't want me to spend too much money and have a problem; but as other people have suggested on here, you don't have a small sin sod. It's actually better to have no wedding and no sin sod, than to have a wedding with a stingy sin sod (this is my interpretation, not her words).

@Apiwan2 that is a good point, I do need to meet her friends and family still, and maybe should change my plan in order to do that first, even if only by a few months.

@BKK And Maui - thank you for what you said, "If you make it about money .... they make it about money."

My friends have observed in the past that I'm far too generous with money, especially when it comes to the ladies. So even though my girlfriend has never asked me to spend money on her, I've been quick to do so anyway.

So I'm definitely taking this on board, not because I'm worried about losing some cash for a few years, but because I want to do what's best for a healthy relationship.

@Ian Curtis good point, but no she hasn't been married before.

@Greg Nixon thanks for a really helpful and detailed reply. I never thought of doing it in a temple, so it's almost like a private ceremony without many guests? Do most temples have this?

Sorry that you are unable to have a legal wedding for now, and I hope that will be possible in future for you. For us, we should be able to have this, and it will be necessary if she comes to live here.

I do think ongoing support for the parents might be a better avenue than a lump sum; I've already read much about the Thai culture of supporting the parents, so even though I had a very stern conversation with her at the start about not wanting to send much money back to Thailand, in reality I don't mind doing this.

We have discussed family life, children, work and the climate (she likes cold weather), and we want the same things. I completely agree with the need for communication; I did like the idea of a surprise, but we can talk easily about anything together and it's proving necessary in this case, even though every conversation needs to prefaced with a strong disclaimer that I'm only thinking about possibilities for now! I'm careful to not promise marriage.

@Grauwulf thanks for the good advice; as I say above, I have probably been too generous with money, and the cost of that is information: strip away the money and see if she still loves me. I've been to Thailand before and had the bar girl experience, so I know what that's like! I'm satisfied that my girlfriend is in a genuine office job and far away from that scene.

Yes, I am sending her money every month. A fixed amount equal to 3.6% of my monthly pay packet (after tax). This was entirely initiated by me; I didn't want to live in total comfort when she can't even afford AC (now she has AC, which will save me booking a hotel when I'm staying with her). I made it clear that she must be careful with the money because there's no asking for more. So far she's not asked for a single Baht.

@snowyy73 sorry to hear about your divorce. I wonder if you now know of any way to prevent this, i.e. a pre-nup, are those enforceable in Thailand?

@SilverBeast interesting story, so basically the money that wedding guests leave can effectively pay for a wedding? Or at least mitigate the cost drastically?

@mikecat thanks, I think the idea of coming over to Thailand for a while is very valid and something I hadn't thought of. I suspect the difference in earnings would be more costly than a wedding however.

@Patsycat and @stgrhe thanks for the points about ring size as I have only a rough measurement. I've had platinum resized before but I definitely need to ask that specific question of any jeweller if I go down this road. My issue with buying a ring will be, if I say "no flashy wedding", then it's pointless to splash out on a big diamond.

PS. sorry for the quoting style, but there were so many posts to quote. Thanks again!

[khunpa]

Thank you for your story OP. Now I know why many Farangs lose everything, when they find a Thai girlfriend.

I never understood before, but now I know.

PS: If your "soon to be wife" thing turns out bad, then please PM me. My girlfriend has a sister, who would love to know you.

Edited October 2, 2014 by khunpa

[steven100]

Wow, thanks for so many comments, stories and all the advice. It's good to get a broad spectrum of views, so thanks for taking the time. Because my original question was about the "how" of getting married, apologies to those who prefer to discuss the "if" for the lack of background information that might help such a discussion.

This morning I found out that she prefers platinum to gold, and later in in the day I talked to her at length on the subject of marriage and money. When I said that paying for a wedding would be a problem, she said she was not surprised. She said that if we get married legally, then she still wants a wedding party, but only two people need to be there.

So about the sin sod amount; to be fair, I was on a fishing expedition when she mentioned about this, and it's not that falang "should" pay more, just that she believes they do. She might not really know, and if anyone were to guess, they might assume falang pay more. It would be my guess too.

So how much sin sod does she want? Well, it's not that she wants a large amount, but she doesn't want a small amount. Isn't that the same thing? Not exactly. She doesn't want me to spend too much money and have a problem; but as other people have suggested on here, you don't have a small sin sod. It's actually better to have no wedding and no sin sod, than to have a wedding with a stingy sin sod (this is my interpretation, not her words).

@Apiwan2 that is a good point, I do need to meet her friends and family still, and maybe should change my plan in order to do that first, even if only by a few months.

@BKK And Maui - thank you for what you said, "If you make it about money .... they make it about money."

My friends have observed in the past that I'm far too generous with money, especially when it comes to the ladies. So even though my girlfriend has never asked me to spend money on her, I've been quick to do so anyway.

So I'm definitely taking this on board, not because I'm worried about losing some cash for a few years, but because I want to do what's best for a healthy relationship.

@Ian Curtis good point, but no she hasn't been married before.

@Greg Nixon thanks for a really helpful and detailed reply. I never thought of doing it in a temple, so it's almost like a private ceremony without many guests? Do most temples have this?

Sorry that you are unable to have a legal wedding for now, and I hope that will be possible in future for you. For us, we should be able to have this, and it will be necessary if she comes to live here.

I do think ongoing support for the parents might be a better avenue than a lump sum; I've already read much about the Thai culture of supporting the parents, so even though I had a very stern conversation with her at the start about not wanting to send much money back to Thailand, in reality I don't mind doing this.

We have discussed family life, children, work and the climate (she likes cold weather), and we want the same things. I completely agree with the need for communication; I did like the idea of a surprise, but we can talk easily about anything together and it's proving necessary in this case, even though every conversation needs to prefaced with a strong disclaimer that I'm only thinking about possibilities for now! I'm careful to not promise marriage.

@Grauwulf thanks for the good advice; as I say above, I have probably been too generous with money, and the cost of that is information: strip away the money and see if she still loves me. I've been to Thailand before and had the bar girl experience, so I know what that's like! I'm satisfied that my girlfriend is in a genuine office job and far away from that scene.

Yes, I am sending her money every month. A fixed amount equal to 3.6% of my monthly pay packet (after tax). This was entirely initiated by me; I didn't want to live in total comfort when she can't even afford AC (now she has AC, which will save me booking a hotel when I'm staying with her). I made it clear that she must be careful with the money because there's no asking for more. So far she's not asked for a single Baht.

@snowyy73 sorry to hear about your divorce. I wonder if you now know of any way to prevent this, i.e. a pre-nup, are those enforceable in Thailand?

@SilverBeast interesting story, so basically the money that wedding guests leave can effectively pay for a wedding? Or at least mitigate the cost drastically?

@mikecat thanks, I think the idea of coming over to Thailand for a while is very valid and something I hadn't thought of. I suspect the difference in earnings would be more costly than a wedding however.

@Patsycat and @stgrhe thanks for the points about ring size as I have only a rough measurement. I've had platinum resized before but I definitely need to ask that specific question of any jeweller if I go down this road. My issue with buying a ring will be, if I say "no flashy wedding", then it's pointless to splash out on a big diamond.

PS. sorry for the quoting style, but there were so many posts to quote. Thanks again!

' My friends have observed in the past that I'm far too generous with money, especially when it comes to the ladies. '

so let me get this right ... you give her 3.6% of your monthly salary , so if you are getting say conservatively $5k a month that works out to about 5,670 baht / mth ..... or 1,308 baht per week ...

not exactly the big spender are you.

What about the house ? she will want the house soon enough .... do you have the 2,000,000 for that ?

and what about the gold for mama & papa ? do you have the 200k for that ?

You only mentioned the wedding and the wedding party ' She said that if we get married legally, then she still wants a wedding party, but only two people need to be there. ' ....

wow ... that's going to cost you around 800 baht .... that's for a coke and chicken & rice each.

I was going to come to the wedding party but you may not have enough in your budget !!!

Anyway , good luck but just don't spend to much on her .... but I can see you won't ..

This will be the khee niao

.wedding of the year !!

Edited October 2, 2014 by steven100

[fbf]

not exactly the big spender are you.

Not on this occasion. Sometimes I am sensible with money, sometimes not. For special occasions, I'm more inclined to think about splashing out, at least until I run the numbers and reality sinks in...

Anyway, I am curious about a few things:

1. Buying a house has been mentioned a couple of times. Is this part of the tradition, and does it mean buying a house in Thailand for the parents? Or a second house in Thailand for the couple? I already have a house in the UK, her parents already have a house in Thailand, nothing fancy but I've been assured they live a simple life and are content. Do you think they might ask for an upgrade, and if so at what point (after engagement, after marriage?)

2. Gold for the bride's parents. Is this in addition to the sin sod, and if so when it is normally given?

3. How effective are prenuptial agreements? Does anyone have any experience where the marriage failed and either the prenup did its job, or failed to help as expected?

Thanks.

[choochoo]

Have you met her in person?

this is hilarous...............................lol.

[choochoo]

has she got tattoos of stars down her arms or legs by any chance?

Does she have an essan zip code.....................................lol. at her place of employment is she identified by number?

Edited October 2, 2014 by choochoo

[choochoo]

I hate being negative but really, you have met the girl once at Songkran. You have known her for five minutes and your talking about getting in to debt, throwing money here and there. If your going to spend money use it to come over here for a while and spend time with her, live with her. Find out what she is really like and let her find out what your really like. Find out how it goes with the family as they will always come first with her. Anyway, hope it all goes well for you, no need to rush, take your time and be sure,

Stop with the HATE........................lol.

Realists are often mistaken as haters..........

im with you cat.

[Grauwulf]

Come on guys give the guy a break.

Yes he may be being naive

Yes he may not understand the pitfalls of this land and culture

Yes he may have never got crashed and burned by some girl he met in a bar whilst getting w**kered all day and got taken for a complete buffalo.

BUT this girl may be a normal genuine girl not some " I hate all liars" bar girl or ex bar girl of course they only tell you what you want or need to now and NEVER lie.

Yes he needs to slowly slowly catchy monkey. Solid advice.

If it works it works if it doesn't well we can all say I TOLD YOU SO.

We've all been burned and made mistakes both here and in our own countries.

We've all F**cked up our lives in some way.

Sometimes we have to learn the hard way.

If the lad wants advice give it, whether he takes it on board is up to him.

But please this forum is meant to help expats, so maybe some of us who consider ourselves experts by our own experiences should not be too harsh, give good advice even if it is warning but not take the p*ss.

Stones and glasshouses and all that can any of say we were never naive and actually believed in our dreams once upon a time???

Nuff said.

[AnotherOneAmerican]

Don't bother with engagement rings, not a Thai tradition.

Thai gold is the only acceptable gift, anything else they won't want.

Not to mention the gold is only seen as cash, no sentimental attachment or significance will be given to it.

It will be sold if/when they feel like it.

[Gecko123]

OP:

You brushed aside those warning that you scarcely know this girl.

Be careful; it can be a jungle out there.

I'm concerned too.

[steven100]

Thai gold is the only gift she will accept as mentioned it's a form of cash if ever needed.

The house would be for her mama & papa.

You may build your house anytime after that.

The gold is for her mama & papa, not included as sin sod. ( however, sin sod may not be needed if you build them a house ) ( advise them that if you build them a house you cannot provide sin sod. They will be happy with that.