Acceptance of each others cultures

[TheSpade]

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the one who is expected to fit in, is YOU. Not them. When I took out my Thai friends, I always sided with THEIR choice of bar or restaurant. It is called politeness. In Thailand, even if YOU are the one to pay the bill, you are always better to leave the choice of the place to the people you invite. Or you forcefully seat them in a place that offers food they abslutely don't like.

I have learned this in my first year being here. I have only one plea for you : "please adept"

That's not polite it just makes no sense

If people accept your invitation to go out and you're paying then YOU get to decide where to go not them. And if you're always the one paying and they always decide where to go you need to get new 'friends'.

[daveAustin]

Understand where you're coming from, and not to belittle them or you, but you're trying to get blood out of a stone. If, I suspect, the family are poor upcountry folk with little/no education, there would by practically zero concept of another culture for them (where would they have picked it up from?) and manners as you know it would be equally alien. You'd have been better off taking them down to the local BigC food court and shouted lunch. I have a healthy amount of respect from MIL and some outlaws but it took a while. Just know that whatever you do they'll never see you as one of their own or respect, even acknowledge, your culture.

[ClutchClark]

150 kilo is large by even Western standards...by Thai its humongous !

She was working her way up to American size guys!

Thank you for that ;-)

[keithkarmann]

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Good decision for many reasons ..... Village life is not so easy for some people, me being one of them. I tried it a few years and ended up looking in the mirror in the mornings asking myself why I was there... time to go when I started answering myself.
Unless you are a bit of a loner or a major drinker you will have difficulty fitting in with the locals including the farangs.
I found that everyone was fine but alcohol was the main thing all farangs had in common. Other then that it was bitching about the wives or gfs and Thais. I was starving for some intellectual conversation. The few guys I could relate to had other homes away from the village and only came on occasion and then left. I was friends with all the guys and they all seemed fine but I needed more.
I also don't believe many Thais hang out with farangs even in the villages. First off it can get dangerous as Thais can not handle their alcohol. It is best to avoid all of them when they get drunk so having one for a drinking buddy is not a good idea.
My two cents for what it's worth .

Thanks for that, I guess secretly I must have been doing my research regarding life In the village and I have found out before it is too late.

I guess we all still learning and we all still make mistakes. And yes I have had a friend chased out of a village.

[ClutchClark]

Understand where you're coming from, and not to belittle them or you, but you're trying to get blood out of a stone. If, I suspect, the family are poor upcountry folk with little/no education, there would by practically zero concept of another culture for them (where would they have picked it up from?) and manners as you know it would be equally alien. You'd have been better off taking them down to the local BigC food court and shouted lunch. I have a healthy amount of respect from MIL and some outlaws but it took a while. Just know that whatever you do they'll never see you as one of their own or respect, even acknowledge, your culture.

Having been raised amongst poor upcountry folk myself in rural Colorado, I can certainly understand the in-laws behavior. It isn't that they can't grasp your culture of 5-star hotels and such, its simply that they can't really be expected to take someone seriously who throws his money around in that fashion.

Had you wanted their respect then you should have shown them you know how to farm and that you are conservative in practice like they are.

Your life doesn't impress simple country folk--you will have a happier future if you find a nice suburban BKK girl with a degree and who likes to spend lots of money to impress her superficial friends.

Cheers

[scorecard]

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No never had this problem.

Me and the misses work hard, when we have free time, we like to get away,( Alone) I have enough headaches from the family,, with out taking them on an all inclusive 5 star hotel trip some where nice,,and have them spoil my holidays aswell .

Besides they wouldn't appreciate it,, and you will barley get a khap khun kap, for you troubles,, alt=thumbsup.gif>

PS,,, Most of the family don't know how to hold a knife and fork correctly,, So taking them any where fancy is out of the question alt=tongue.png>

Thanks for that, you are right in everyway but the cost of the holiday has been well worth it as it has saved me about 1 million baht by not building the house

What a strange analysis.

[dotpoom]

No never had this problem.

Me and the misses work hard, when we have free time, we like to get away,( Alone) I have enough headaches from the family,, with out taking them on an all inclusive 5 star hotel trip some where nice,,and have them spoil my holidays aswell .

Besides they wouldn't appreciate it,, and you will barley get a khap khun kap, for you troubles,,

PS,,, Most of the family don't know how to hold a knife and fork correctly,, So taking them any where fancy is out of the question

I have to agree with you Welsh but you reminded me of a friend of mine from back home (Western Europe)who came for a visit to Thailand. He couldn't get over the fact that there were toothpicks on almost every table. He asked me "Why Dotpoom do we not have these on our tables at home?"...."You must be joking" I said to him "We'er still only getting used to using the knife and fork"....we had a good laugh.

[ebean001]

Wooow you have a problem. What is this about drinking. Are you crazy? Many Thais think many farangs are alcohlics. I know many Thais refuse to go to a bar. Your cultural belief - your my friend if we drink together - is way back in the 50 or 60s. Am I wrong on this? Your in Thailand.

Your GF will toto teach you thai culture. she does not want to know yours too much. repeat: your in thailand.

but let me tell you - the drinking thing is not a cultural thing. they are telliing their daughter this guy is wrong. she is fighting back. Oh, by the way, you paying for it all shows me you think your superior over them. your nothing but same-same. Nice to pay for it all - good. Are you now saying they owe you something for that. That is wrong. You are trying to buy them. you are trying to buy friendship. You freely paid. they freely received. no obligation on there part for anything.

[bristolgeoff]

sounds like you may have had a lucky escape.i don,t know maybe not.but I know the thai lady is all about her family and you will come second if marriage happens.so good luck in the future if it happens

[scorecard]

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What sort of bar, respectable Thai family won't go in certain sorts of bar.

Yes respectable, no girls as I was waiting for my girlfriend

Your missing the point / or deliberately don't want to see the point, that several posters are making.

[Thunderbirds20]

Tread softly mate! .. and do yourself a favor, ..... take care of yourself. DO NOT build a house in a small village! I did that and watched my money disappear. The house was supposed to cost 1.5 to 2 million and tale 6 months to build. I ran out of money before it was finished. It cost over 6 million and was not complete 2 years later. Also, the house will not be yours!!!!!!!

If you want to own your home in Thailand, ... buy an already existing condominium. Then you will have the asset in your name and you wil be able to see exactly what you will get for your money!

Thais are very resistant to anything not Thai, so do not be surprised if your culture is not adopted .... when in Rome, right?

Choose an area with lots of foreigners living there already. Then, you can still enjoy parts of your culture when you want. ... and do ot be in a hurry to get married either.

[arunsakda]

Good on you. Let the family know who wears the trousers. I had years of being told, "This is Thailand, you must respect my culture". Yet when I wanted to have some respect for my culture I was seen as insensitive. Well B***s to all that. There is a corner of a foreign land that is forever England. And that is my home. I will respect Thai culture but come into my home and you had better respect mine. This is about a cross cultural marriage not about forcing cultures on people. The OP just wants to show his potential family some of his culture. It is not like he is a missionary or forcing it down their throats.

They have made it clear that they will not make one step to understanding, respecting or even pretending to accept you. This is often the way here. So you become a pussy or you man up and set your conditions.

If she loves you then she will understand. Give her the freedom to visit her family whenever she wants but make it clear you will have nothing to do with them until they start behaving in a respectful way. Everyone can learn to accept differences so why should you put up with people who don't.

Oh yes. And don't give them a satang.

The OP has admitted his troll but there are some good comments here. I like this a lot . Imagining

the Union Jack flying resolutely. BBC Radio 3 streaming quietly in the background, light classical selection.

High Tea served at 6 PM with cutlery held tines down, a proper joynt on Sundays. All for it besides the shoes inside thing.

Learned along time ago that a "Bar" is a place for men to meet whores. "Mai Dii". Karaoke is worse.

"But you and your Uni girl friends go to bars all the time?"

"That not Bar, it's a Pub."

"That is NOT a Pub. The Malt Shovel is a Pub! I'd say it's a disco with food if it actually had a dance floor".

Edited October 1, 2014 by arunsakda

[piersbeckett]

Isnt the hole point f coming to Thailand is to avoid hassles with women?

Well, you'll certainly be able to get one but 'the whole point', I'd say, 'no'. I know that to live now in Australia and UK for example is expensive and stressful to many.

Hassles with women may not be the same hassles as back home but avoiding them, 'no'; learning how to deal with the new type of hassles and subsequently about yourself, 'yes'.

The holiday experience is so different from living here - two worlds within a totally different world!

Edited October 1, 2014 by piersbeckett

[robertthebruce]

I will be honest I would not want to go into an Irish Style Bar ??? If I want an Irish Bar ?? I will head for Dublin....

Been living in Thailand just over four years, and that's the last place I want to go ??? Not my thing, any local bar or Restaurant would be fine..

But that's me.....

[dluek]

For what it's worth, I wouldn't want to have a drink with you in an Irish bar either.

[BKK And Maui]

- Totally Embrace Thai Culture

- Let them come to you to know more about your culture, if they want. Don't try and 'force' your ideals and values on them.

- Don't try so hard. (My biggest mistake.). I try too hard to make sure they like me and want to be with me.

- Relax and enjoy Thai culture.

[chrisinth]

I know this might be a stupid question, but why did you not think of going to a Thai bar/restaurant instead of a tourist/western bar if you knew you were going to have problems in the first place?

First time (sic) out of the village and you expect them to jump into your 'culture' straight away? An Irish bar? And then see this as a sign that no friendship can develop because they felt more comfortable eating what they were used to eat?

I think you need to look more closely at Thai culture and women being seen in bars.

If I didn't know better, I would suggest building your new house under a bridge somewhere.....................

As an aside, if it was me I would likely have gone for phat kapow somewhere else as well. Don't do Guinness, one of the reasons I moved from Ireland...............

[KhnomKhnom]

You are wrong totally, man. You pushed these simple people into a place they could never feel comfortable in and then wanted them to go into a bar WITH ALL THOSE FOREIGNERS in there........ I would say ..."are you nutz?"

I strongly recommend that you NOT marry and that you find a different culture and country to mess around with. Your girl is a saint for putting up with your stupid behind.

Leave now before you get further into hurting your feelings and theirs. You MAN ARE WRONG. So wrong there is no hope for you.

[Greg Nixon]

Good Buddhists do not go to bars or drink alcohol. If they are good buddhists thank your lucky stars you have found good people. If you really are respecting their culture, you would have checked this out in advance and not surprised them. If you have character, give up your drinking pub going ways and settle down. A lot of bad things happen surrounding the pubs in Thailand. You do not need this.

[bbbbooboo]

with such "immense" cultural problems i would suggest to cancel the marriage as well and go home...

what's your point?

+1

[NoshowJones]

No never had this problem.

Me and the misses work hard, when we have free time, we like to get away,( Alone) I have enough headaches from the family,, with out taking them on an all inclusive 5 star hotel trip some where nice,,and have them spoil my holidays aswell .

Besides they wouldn't appreciate it,, and you will barley get a khap khun kap, for you troubles,,

PS,,, Most of the family don't know how to hold a knife and fork correctly,, So taking them any where fancy is out of the question

What does it matter how they hold the knife and fork? as long as the food goes from their plate into their mouths.

[Halion]

Your post has little to do with culture and a lot to do with values. Taking a rural Thai family from the sticks into a 5 star hotel resort is perhaps insensitive as they would feel very uncomfortable in a world they did not understand. They would have probably felt far more at ease in a Thai style resort rather than a falang interpretation of paradise. I would have thought that your girlfriend would have fully understood that as this is her family.

Rural and older Thai's are so consumed with their perception that they are unable and unwilling to make concessions. Simply accept that and walk away but leave the door open for change.

I have been married to Thai for over 25 years and my children are all educated and are comfortable in both the world of western resorts and their grandparents rural life. We simply compromise for the sake of allowing each other to maintain our own values and standards.

They do not try to change me and I do not expect to change them.

[NoshowJones]

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What sort of bar, respectable Thai family won't go in certain sorts of bar.

Many Buddhist women won't enter a bar under any circumstances.

Anyway, foreigner bar for Thai family = bad idea.

Next time KFC, McD, etc.

PS

House build for a foreigner in a village is rarely a good idea, not many foreigners can take the isolation, and the house has little or no resale value. For your own mental well being better to have a house near the big foreigner centers, CM, HH, Pats, etc.

Yes her mother was with us so I can understand that but my girlfriend is also buddist and she joins me the bars. But her brother who is about 30 years old would not join us and he was one of the ones I was counting on to be a friend in the village who I could go for a drink with so I would not feel so isolated. In reality I was looking for excuses not to build a house and I found my excuses because I do like to go in a few bars (maybe not so respectable) while my girlfriend is away at her village and if there are any bars in her village they probably would be respectable.

Why do so many mens social life have to revolve around alcohol?

[Gecko123]

I really empathize with your in-laws; I hate Irish bars too!

[monkey4u]

Don't worry about being friendly with the outlaws

Get a dog

It will go to the bar or any other place you want to go AND NOT complain

[NoshowJones]

Good on you. Let the family know who wears the trousers. I had years of being told, "This is Thailand, you must respect my culture"... There is a corner of a foreign land that is forever England. And that is my home. I will respect Thai culture but come into my home and you had better respect mine. This is about a cross cultural marriage not about forcing cultures on people. The OP just wants to show his potential family some of his culture. It is not like he is a missionary or forcing it down their throats.

If she loves you then she will understand. Give her the freedom to visit her family whenever she wants but make it clear you will have nothing to do with them until they start behaving in a respectful way.

Geez, if thats not "forcing it down their throats" then I don't know what is.

And we have Hispanics to move to the US and try to turn it into Little Mexico. They fly their Mexican flag instead of the US flag. They refuse to speak English. They refuse every bit of US culture.

Its very insulting. Why move to a country if you are going to snub your nose into aspect of the hosts culture?

Just like a certain faith we all know about.

[NoshowJones]

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What sort of bar, respectable Thai family won't go in certain sorts of bar.

Many Buddhist women won't enter a bar under any circumstances.

Anyway, foreigner bar for Thai family = bad idea.

Next time KFC, McD, etc.

PS

House build for a foreigner in a village is rarely a good idea, not many foreigners can take the isolation, and the house has little or no resale value. For your own mental well being better to have a house near the big foreigner centers, CM, HH, Pats, etc.

Yes her mother was with us so I can understand that but my girlfriend is also buddist and she joins me the bars. But her brother who is about 30 years old would not join us and he was one of the ones I was counting on to be a friend in the village who I could go for a drink with so I would not feel so isolated. In reality I was looking for excuses not to build a house and I found my excuses because I do like to go in a few bars (maybe not so respectable) while my girlfriend is away at her village and if there are any bars in her village they probably would be respectable.

Sounds like you found a good family that isn't looking for a drinking companion.

Maybe, instead, you could buy a bicycle and make your brother-in-law your "riding buddy" to avoid isolation.

Personally, I think your expectations were 100% likely to fail and you knew it at some level before you even attempted such a show of extravagance.

The show of extravagance was not for them the holiday was for me and my girlfriend and she asked if they could come along. And yes he does like to have a bike ride but what is the point of that if you can't go for a drink in a seedy bar afterwards.

See what I mean?

[Leung Falang]

I am married to a Thai, for 23 years. We met in Hong Kong and I knew her family a little before marriage and my wife and I agreed that there would be no dowry and no marriage in Thailand, so got married in the USA. We lived in several international locations before buying a second home in Thailand 18 years into marriage. For several years prior, we spent significant time in Thailand and it didn't take much to realize the village was not for either of us so ended up in a good sized town, Mukdahan. I would suggest we are still too close to the village, only 45km away.

I have seen many American men marry Thais, and most struggle in relationships as wife and family demand they live totally within Thai culture. The only way out seems to be living in western culture long enough to see the difference. My wife adapted easily in Hong Kong and had more American friends than Thai.

We have helped her family greatly in many ways and at great cost out of love, not culture, not via demand, yet 23 years later her mother still complains every year or two or three that she never got a dowry. (We built them a new home, spent more than that on her single sister's accident, loaned them a car to use 11 months a year for ten years, and gave small amounts of $ annually.) They want you to dot every "i" and cross every "t". I mostly ignore them now and my wife knows her mom is selfish as are most Isaan moms. The mom wants face no matter the cost to the daughter. Get used to it.

My best Thai friend outside our church is our builder who lives in our addition and does not drink.

I agree with most posters that living in the village is a bad idea, better in a larger town where you can have farang friends too. I do have some other neighbors that I really like and we can socialize as much as we want with them.

[winstonc]

Good on you. Let the family know who wears the trousers. I had years of being told, "This is Thailand, you must respect my culture"... There is a corner of a foreign land that is forever England. And that is my home. I will respect Thai culture but come into my home and you had better respect mine. This is about a cross cultural marriage not about forcing cultures on people. The OP just wants to show his potential family some of his culture. It is not like he is a missionary or forcing it down their throats.

If she loves you then she will understand. Give her the freedom to visit her family whenever she wants but make it clear you will have nothing to do with them until they start behaving in a respectful way.

Geez, if thats not "forcing it down their throats" then I don't know what is.

And we have Hispanics to move to the US and try to turn it into Little Mexico. They fly their Mexican flag instead of the US flag. They refuse to speak English. They refuse every bit of US culture.

Its very insulting. Why move to a country if you are going to snub your nose into aspect of the hosts culture?

you mug...it was there land before you stole it learn spanish ...what you think your the master race ..

[thailiketoo]

Why do so many mens social life have to revolve around alcohol?

The World Health Organization (WHO) says there are at least 140 million alcoholics in the world; unfortunately, the majority of them are not treated.