My Thai wife just had a meltdown

[Straight8]

This is the all time BEST thread I've ever seen on thai visa. It makes everything so clear about why so many here are thai bashers!! Perfect!! lol!!

And the other 'Thaier than Thais' who never have and never will remove their Thai Rose tainted glasses.

[xenophon]

Assuming your post is not a wind-up .....,

"I could be wrong here but after 8 years of marriage I think this sort of behavior makes for a difficult marriage ahead for me"

No s..t, Sherlock? Obviously you are not wrong. And another one bites the dust.

[David48]

I want to teach a sustainability subject in Thailand (processes in motion of introduction from Australian university to one in Surin) and help Thais become more self sufficient and water smart ...

Dear Daniel ... before you head off in your crusade to change Thailand, you may wish to investigate what is available already.

Best place to start that discovery process is with this ...His Majesty the King’s Philosophy of Sufficiency Economy

Click that link and see what has been taught already ... you maybe surprised to learn that Thailand doesn't probably need your help.

.

[Oryx816]

First off, I am appalled by many of the comments on this thread, but misogyny notwithstanding, I will just stick to addressing the OP's original issue.

Many people have referred to this as theft and that is for the OP to decide, depending on his perspective of "mine" vs "ours", and what financial arrangements they have in place. What troubles me is when she was confronted about all the withdrawals she claimed it was for face cream (she must think OP is a moron--astounding), then when he pressed her, she lied again, by only showing a portion of the squirreled away funds (one different from the one he found--how many are there?), and then carrying on with fear for her daughter's future, father's funeral...and later the coffee shop. It seems to me there is still no honesty forthcoming. She just has these irrational and dishonest eruptions. Even if you want to dismiss the initial action as cultural or security driven, how does one account for the subsequent lying, and continued concealment of cash? How much cultural adjustment is the OP supposed to make? How about her adjusting to the values of honesty with her spouse? Doesn't he deserve that too? I'm not saying she shouldn't have some of her own money, she absolutely should, but if he caves to these theatrics, then she knows it works, and is rewarded for negative behavior.

OP, if I were you I would have rummaged through the house high and low, and taken every last lint-ridden coin, and then hidden it elsewhere, no precious loss of face or confrontation. You would know, and she would know that you knew....her move....and you would have gotten a clearer picture of the type of person you were dealing with dependant upon the reaction. But, apparently, you are a far nicer person than I would be in the face of betrayal. To me, it is like you are in a game of poker and your wife is holding her hand close to the vest and you are playing with your hand facing her. My friend, no one has ever won a hand of poker this way. Of course, it is marriage and there is a child involved....but ask yourself, what will your daughter learn from this environment? Only you can answer that.

I have read here about many wives having a little cash stash, and it is not uncommon. I have one myself.....however, it isn't a secret! My husband and I have separate and joint accounts, and neither of us knows or cares what is in each others' accounts, (with the exception of larger ones like our investment, and retirement accounts etc) and I have some cash in the house that is left over money from each month's bills, spare change, etc, that I save by being economical and detailed in my record keeping. I keep it in a drawer of mine, and although it is common knowledge that I have it, no one touches it, and my husband refers to it as my stash. I also have a safe deposit box of my own, but it isn't a secret, and neither are its contents. The trouble with the posted situation is the deception, compounded by continued deception upon confrontation. For me, secrecy and deception are not part of a recipe for a well adjusted, loving and open family.

With all that said, OP, you have not provided ample information to receive a properly thought out analysis from any of us. The above analysis is based on the assumption that you are not some spendthrift, alcoholic, drug fueled, wife beater....it is based upon the premise that you are an upstanding, loving, honest, hard working fellow, doing right by his family. We also don't know if she is working, has her own accounts, vices etc....those factors weigh heavily as well.

I do have to wonder about your money management skills given that this has been going on for several months and you either didn't notice, or did notice and didn't take action. Sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to take action even when you know you should.

Take care and best of luck.

[Jungle Jim]

I think you would be better off starting a AA program for the millions of alcoholics and sex addicts who visit and live here. The Thais can take care of themselves just fine. It is the foreigners that are causing most of the problems.

I want to teach a sustainability subject in Thailand (processes in motion of introduction from Australian university to one in Surin) and help Thais become more self sufficient and water smart ...

Dear Daniel ... before you head off in your crusade to change Thailand, you may wish to investigate what is available already.

Best place to start that discovery process is with this ...His Majesty the King’s Philosophy of Sufficiency Economy

Click that link and see what has been taught already ... you maybe surprised to learn that Thailand doesn't probably need your help.

.

[neverdie]

Could someone please 'summarise' this thread on pg14. I'm dying to pass judgement but can't be bothered to scan thru the last 14 pages to do so. I must be getting lazy.

[NanLaew]

Why don't they discuss such circumstances, as medical fund etc.."don't need to "steal".

If you read an earlier post I am agreeing with in terms of women having an emergency fund.As I have said I have worked with many who do so in Asia. Unsurprisingly it is money they have worked for and value!

Anyway it was for a coffee shop..not even discussed..why because it was probably an excuse.

Plus the amounts are not insignificant in terms of this couples wealth.

And I can almost guarantee you if the wife is acting like this, come an emergency this bundle of stolen goodies isn't going just going miraculously appear....

She needs to contribute financially to obtain her own goals..

But that has already been discussed inasmuch as there was no dialog on the long-term financials. The day-to-day bills and expenses were sorted but the OP didn't appear to share much beyond that. It is all well and good saying that typically the male is the provider and any woman should be happy with that. However, by the same token, the wife is typically the primary carer for home and children and in any marriage, particularly one with child dependents, there needs to be a more complete disclosure of assets and income and an agreed family budget. If you can't trust your wife; if she isn't your best friend and confidante, then why the hell bother with the pretense of a happy marriage or even a close cohabitation.

Now the "what's mine is mine" brigade may kick-off here but for the most part they are probably terminally single, bitter and twisted formerly married or possibly without any real pot to piss in. Maybe in the past, you didn't do your homework and lost the farm. Possibly you did do your homework and still took a big dry one up the ort. Either way, now you are much happier in your solitude and having ALL your own money all to yourself. Thanks for NOT sharing any more of your personal relationship disasters or anecdotal tales of same.

You have absolutely NO idea what the OP's wife's actions would be in the hypothetical instance you are responding to. You are way too keen to tar her with a very broad and quite repugnant brush. Similar to that, when my wife sold some land that I had invested in earlier (she owned the land, I bought stuff that went into it), she didn't pay me back or give me a share but then again I didn't expect her to as we hadn't discussed if this was an option. A few months later, she made the down payment on the pickup I wanted... and it's in my name. She shared and at the same time said an unspoken, 'Thanks for the help'. This is after about 8 years together, over 6 years married, frequent rough bits... and a kid.

There's hope for the OP yet.

[rayongchelsea]

Why don't they discuss such circumstances, as medical fund etc.."don't need to "steal".

If you read an earlier post I am agreeing with in terms of women having an emergency fund.As I have said I have worked with many who do so in Asia. Unsurprisingly it is money they have worked for and value!

Anyway it was for a coffee shop..not even discussed..why because it was probably an excuse.

Plus the amounts are not insignificant in terms of this couples wealth.

And I can almost guarantee you if the wife is acting like this, come an emergency this bundle of stolen goodies isn't going just going miraculously appear....

She needs to contribute financially to obtain her own goals..

But that has already been discussed inasmuch as there was no dialog on the long-term financials. The day-to-day bills and expenses were sorted but the OP didn't appear to share much beyond that. It is all well and good saying that typically the male is the provider and any woman should be happy with that. However, by the same token, the wife is typically the primary carer for home and children and in any marriage, particularly one with child dependents, there needs to be a more complete disclosure of assets and income and an agreed family budget. If you can't trust your wife; if she isn't your best friend and confidante, then why the hell bother with the pretense of a happy marriage or even a close cohabitation.

Now the "what's mine is mine" brigade may kick-off here but for the most part they are probably terminally single, bitter and twisted formerly married or possibly without any real pot to piss in. Maybe in the past, you didn't do your homework and lost the farm. Possibly you did do your homework and still took a big dry one up the ort. Either way, now you are much happier in your solitude and having ALL your own money all to yourself. Thanks for NOT sharing any more of your personal relationship disasters or anecdotal tales of same.

You have absolutely NO idea what the OP's wife's actions would be in the hypothetical instance you are responding to. You are way too keen to tar her with a very broad and quite repugnant brush. Similar to that, when my wife sold some land that I had invested in earlier (she owned the land, I bought stuff that went into it), she didn't pay me back or give me a share but then again I didn't expect her to as we hadn't discussed if this was an option. A few months later, she made the down payment on the pickup I wanted... and it's in my name. She shared and at the same time said an unspoken, 'Thanks for the help'. This is after about 8 years together, over 6 years married, frequent rough bits... and a kid.

There's hope for the OP yet.

But to me it's a significant amount of money, 150-200k. A graduate from uni salary for One year!!!

All in the timeframe of a few month. This isn't a rainy day fund type action. The land analogy is not the same. You bought her the land and it was hers to do with as she wanted, and it is more a gift ( and frankly the only way to do it) given how land ownership works here. This is entirely different he wasn't a party to any of this.

But ultimately your argument prevails because I don't know the motives...but all the indications are not good. If a foreigner with a foreign wife who stole money of a uni graduate ..say 20k sterling in a few months in the uk ...would the same argument prevail.No, it would be deemed to be dishonest.

What are her actions telling their kid....

[NancyL]

We don't know all the background, so her actions may be telling their kid of the need to save for a rainy day.

That's what I learned in watching my Mom slowly embezzle from my Dad as I grew up. She never left him and in the long-run he thanked her. She was the one who taught me how to open a savings account, how to buy a Cert of Deposit, and eventually bonds and stocks. All things she was doing with the money she was taking from my Dad. Lord knows he didn't have any form of savings for the family!

Edited November 16, 2014 by NancyL

[Daniel Boon]

I think you would be better off starting a AA program for the millions of alcoholics and sex addicts who visit and live here. The Thais can take care of themselves just fine. It is the foreigners that are causing most of the problems.

I want to teach a sustainability subject in Thailand (processes in motion of introduction from Australian university to one in Surin) and help Thais become more self sufficient and water smart ...

Dear Daniel ... before you head off in your crusade to change Thailand, you may wish to investigate what is available already.

Best place to start that discovery process is with this ...His Majesty the King’s Philosophy of Sufficiency Economy

Click that link and see what has been taught already ... you maybe surprised to learn that Thailand doesn't probably need your help.

.

l appreciate your recommendation; an Academic Thai lady (taught in Thailand ) now Iiving in Australia has read my proposal (in conjunction with the King's sufficiency philosophy) and agrees the course will definitely help Thai people.

I can't comment about other parts of Thailand, but Surin farmers need help, but it's also about energy efficient affordable housing

[AnotherOneAmerican]

Now the "what's mine is mine" brigade may kick-off here but for the most part they are probably terminally single, bitter and twisted formerly married or possibly without any real pot to piss in. Maybe in the past, you didn't do your homework and lost the farm. Possibly you did do your homework and still took a big dry one up the ort. Either way, now you are much happier in your solitude and having ALL your own money all to yourself. Thanks for NOT sharing any more of your personal relationship disasters or anecdotal tales of same.

As a paid up member of this 'what's mine is mine' club, let me respond.

In the past my US wife of 25+ years did 'take the farm'.

Luckily I owned several more farms.

Now I keep what is mine, and have enough farms left to make sure I am never single, and have plenty of places to piss.

If I were foolish enough not to learn from experience, as you suggest, I would indeed become farmless and womanless.

I am happy in the knowledge that some young woman will always want to live with me!

[rayongchelsea]

Daniel.

I can assure you alcohol addiction is as big if not a bigger problem here than in the west ( excluding the foreigners). There are no real support mechanisms here..

[mrtoad]

Daniel.

I can assure you alcohol addiction is as big if not a bigger problem here than in the west ( excluding the foreigners). There are no real support mechanisms here..

The alcohol problem in the provinces is massive within the loxal population. Of course Jungle Jim Bob will blame the foreigners. At present the government and MOPH really arent recognising the problem or how to deal with it.

[rayongchelsea]

If you're rich and stupid and dont mind your wife loves you just because of the money , go ahead , let it continue.

If you're not rich , run away .

Dear balo and others of his ilk ...

I am an honest man with myself and I will tell you all (and sundry) ... I had much conflict within myself before finally marrying a Thai woman half my age; I don't give a rat's arse for yours or anyone else's opinions and input ... but I tell you what it has done for me ...

I deduced I had outlived my usefulness and had largely given up on life (I've done a lot and lived several lifetimes in my life) but my Thai wife gave me a purpose, her purpose ... my 4 kids are big enough and smart enough to look after themselves ... so for me to help look after her daughter and parents, I now have a meaning and purpose; I don't send $20 off a month to feed some starving kid somewhere (who only gets - if they are lucky - $1 of that $20) and think I am doing good and I am too selfish to give my remaining life to a orphanage like some absolutely brave and far better people than I do ...

But strangely, it helped reintroduce me to my siblings (one I hadn't seen for 26 years) and my nieces (for company for my daughter when she comes to OZ).

I know it makes my Wife uncomfortable sometimes when I thank her for being in my life ...

So when I learn my MIL has just started cutting rice (she is in her late 50's) for $10 a day, it makes me think of how my contributions help overall ... and I don't mind sharing my Wife's purpose in life ... I am less bitter and less likely to beat the shit out of someone who desperately needs it (in my dissatisfied world).

So live Your Life as you choose .... some of you posting opened my eyes to looking at it from my Wife's perspective ... Thank You.

There are men who act like they think men should, and there are those who have empathy, real men ... I seek to me in your group

I want to teach a sustainability subject in Thailand (processes in motion of introduction from Australian university to one in Surin) and help Thais become more self sufficient and water smart ...

Good for you and actions speak louder then words.

But I find it strange you use the word empathy in a country so devoid of it.

Not a criticism just an observation.

[Liquorice]

mrtoad, on 16 Nov 2014 - 15:04, said:

rayongchelsea, on 16 Nov 2014 - 14:22, said:

Daniel.

I can assure you alcohol addiction is as big if not a bigger problem here than in the west ( excluding the foreigners). There are no real support mechanisms here..

The alcohol problem in the provinces is massive within the loxal population. Of course Jungle Jim Bob will blame the foreigners. At present the government and MOPH really arent recognising the problem or how to deal with it.

And the Thai women have to contend with that problem.

Now let's see, I've got a bit of housekeeping money left over, should I;

a) Let hubby know so he can buy more beer

Keep quite and save it until the kids need shoes.

[rayongchelsea]

mrtoad, on 16 Nov 2014 - 15:04, said:

rayongchelsea, on 16 Nov 2014 - 14:22, said:

Daniel.

I can assure you alcohol addiction is as big if not a bigger problem here than in the west ( excluding the foreigners). There are no real support mechanisms here..

The alcohol problem in the provinces is massive within the loxal population. Of course Jungle Jim Bob will blame the foreigners. At present the government and MOPH really arent recognising the problem or how to deal with it.

And the Thai women have to contend with that problem.

Now let's see, I've got a bit of housekeeping money left over, should I;

a) Let hubby know so he can buy more beer

Keep quite and save it until the kids need shoes.

Fair enough, but that would be a lot of beer and shoes for 150,000.

But thats clever and I appreciate it.

Actually on a serious note , alcoholism is a big problem here among women also.

[mrtoad]

Correct. The government though waste more money on the drug problem though

[AnotherOneAmerican]

I put 10k in my gfs account every month.

She pays internet, electricity, and all food for her and my two kids. I buy my food separately.

Don't care if she keeps some back, up to her to eat it or save it.

As there are always mushrooms and fish being eaten, she clearly has enough money to spend.

To save 130k would be no food for anyone for 18 months.

I also pay 3k into my aunts account every month, she lives alone on my farm, and has never asked for more, or complained it isn't enough.

(she gets a pension from the government too, about 500bht/month)

Some foreigners are stupid with money, and hand it out too freely to those around them.

Edited November 16, 2014 by AnotherOneAmerican

[Naam]

I put 10k in my gfs account every month.

She pays internet, electricity, and all food for her and my two kids. I buy my food separately.

Don't care if she keeps some back, up to her to eat it or save it.

As there are always mushrooms and fish being eaten, she clearly has enough money to spend.

To save 130k would be no food for anyone for 18 months.

I also pay 3k into my aunts account every month, she lives alone on my farm, and has never asked for more, or complained it isn't enough.

(she gets a pension from the government too, about 500bht/month)

Some foreigners are stupid with money, and hand it out too freely to those around them.

if they can afford to hand out money freely i wouldn't call them stupid but successful

[AnotherOneAmerican]

if they can afford to hand out money freely i wouldn't call them stupid but successful

Sometimes you make silly posts.

Edited November 16, 2014 by AnotherOneAmerican

[Naam]

If you're rich and stupid and dont mind your wife loves you just because of the money , go ahead , let it continue.

If you're not rich , run away .

i am always quite amused when i read (very often) comments that rich people are stupid when they spend amounts beyond the comprehension of the average Bill. Buck, Hank or Joe.

[DekDaeng]

I do have to wonder what changed, as the OP hasn't said, for her to start socking away money. And, how was she before. It always takes two. I've seen here many that think money should be 'controlled.'

People hide stuff because they're going to get an averse reaction. So, she probably doesn't trust you. Why doesn't she trust you, I think should be the question.

What a load of bs, Daniel.

As far as I can tell, my wife only married me to get away from her father. Then, of course, I became the problem. She did everything she could to try to destroy the marriage, right from the start, as she, being a 'born again', could not ask for a divorce. I endured four years of insanity - including, at one point in time, her talking incessantly - 24 hours a day, for one to two weeks - to stop me from sleeping, to make me ask for a divorce.

I tried to have a rationale for deciding the things we should do - places to go, etc - if I wanted to do some thing more than she didn't want to, then we would do what I wanted, & if she wanted to do something more than I didn't want to do it, we would do what she wanted. Trouble was, as soon as she knew what I wanted to do, she then always 'didn't want to do that' more than I wanted to do it.

Reckon she couldn't stand the insanity too, because she ultimately asked me for a divorce, to which I immediately agreed.

Don't tell me ' It always takes two'. From the OP you can see that the guy is puzzled by what his wife is up to.

You are a know nothing, 'know it all', Daniel.

Search shoecomics.com for 'since I was a little ..........'

P.S. Wife was caucasian.

Edited November 16, 2014 by DekDaeng

[NanLaew]

My, my, my. This one is bringing out all the uptight and jaded isn't it? And some are even happy regaling us with the details of the lengths that their personal little bunny boilers went to in order to be shot of them. So much damaged goods here. Is it any wonder that the lovely Thai ladies are hedging their bets?

[Liquorice]

neverdie, on 16 Nov 2014 - 11:24, said:

Could someone please 'summarise' this thread on pg14. I'm dying to pass judgement but can't be bothered to scan thru the last 14 pages to do so. I must be getting lazy.

Prince Charming and Cinderella have resolved their differences.

Meanwhile the Lords, ladies, dwarves, elves, fairies, giants, gnomes, goblins, mermaids, trolls, witches, oafs, gremlins and a hobbit are still discussing the rights and wrongs................................nothing new, same as usual

[KonaRain]

WELL SPOKEN..WELL PUT..WELL SAID!

[Greg Nixon]

Big mistake : Giving her access to YOUR account. You should have given her a generous allowance and made her responsible for buying the food.

[neverdie]

neverdie, on 16 Nov 2014 - 11:24, said:

Could someone please 'summarise' this thread on pg14. I'm dying to pass judgement but can't be bothered to scan thru the last 14 pages to do so. I must be getting lazy.

Prince Charming and Cinderella have resolved their differences.

Meanwhile the Lords, ladies, dwarves, elves, fairies, giants, gnomes, goblins, mermaids, trolls, witches, oafs, gremlins and a hobbit are still discussing the rights and wrongs................................nothing new, same as usual

Excellent Smithers, thanks for the update 555555

[zzdocxx]

Read the first few pages some days ago but you know, it gets repetitious.

Any updates from the OP ?

[Naam]

if they can afford to hand out money freely i wouldn't call them stupid but successful

Sometimes you make silly posts.

sometimes you believe in fiction and forget the facts.

[harryfrompattaya]

Sounds like you are after a pet (albeit partly educated), and not a partner in life. That's fine, but there is little real trust in such arrangements, as opposed to marriage, which is normally viewed as an equal partnership.

Marriage is only seen as a equal partnership in a few Christian communities, which are not the majority of the world.

Jewish, Eastern Orthodox, Catholic, Mormon, Amish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist all view the man as the important one (to varying degrees) and the woman as inferior (if not property). That includes China who mostly have no religion.

Always surprised that so many of white anglo saxon protestant descent still think their way is the right and only way.

You are in the minority.

That`s strange, because my father was Catholic and my mother Jewish. All through their married lives they had a relationship based on equal terms. If my Dad would have considered Mum as inferior, his personal property and tried the old, I am the man about the house, you do what I say and know your place routine, then my mother would have beaten him to a pulp. When it came down to the nitty gritty, Mum mostly always had the last say in matters and my Dad loved her even more for it, although if we ever did get on the wrong side of Dad, we were warned to watch out.

It's not strange at all, Jewish woman almost-always run the show in the household, the men (Jew or otherwise) have to tow the line or there's a firestorm every night.

Smashing a wife about isn't right either, but the woman has to know that the man is the man and can't be brow-beaten or hen-pecked like he's under her etc. The household must always have the man in charge of the masculine, the lady takes care of the feminine.

Before Christianity made women all over-subserviant that's how it rolled in Europe folks.

Are you married to Jewish wife and if so it might only be yours. Did Rothchilds wife tell him what to do? How about the Jewish Banks are they controlled by their wives too?

Thanks in Advance for your great knowledge