Disciplining Thai Children - what's your take?

[Colabamumbai]

I have never seen a spanking in Thailand, only words.

[Mattbaldacchino]

So in conclusion, after filtering out all the useless bits and absorbing the very useful advice most of you have given (highly appreciated), what I gather is the general opinion is "Get out now whilst you still can, else you're stuck on a train ploughing straight into a wall" Thanks guys, gonna need a bit of thinking to figure how to play this out but I figured it would come to this. Can't hurt to enjoy her cooking for another 2 days though

Edited November 28, 2014 by Mattbaldacchino

[TechnikaIII]

Someone above mentioned something about it being a learnt behaviour, or words to the effect. True.

Don't give in to him, but show him and others that his antics are not going to work with you. He's testing you. If your relationship with his mother is worth it, persist.

You can not correct his mother or other members of the family, but you can explain that unless he treats you with respect, you will exclude him from your life, even if that means not going there. If they value your presence, perhaps the penny will drop, and they will take matters into hand. His correction needs to be their doing, until he learns a new way of being.

Don't ever get ruffled, raise your voice, or demonstrate anger, That will only give satisfaction to the boy, and demonstrate your weakness. Be calm and quiet, and walk out if necessary.

Demonstrate resolve. Be the Buddha.

....

I have stayed away from one lady who's 7 year old kid is heavier than she is, from being stuffed with food by her, her estranged husband when he has custody, and of course her parents. From all the photos I have seen, he seems to lord it over everyone in that family. I'm not interested in taking it on.

Others I have been close to have also children, (including the current lady) I adore and get on really well with all the children, boys and girls.

I cringe in the presence of adults or older siblings who play the disciplinarian. THEY are the ones I would rather take a stick to. But of course, there attitudes are also learnt.

I wish you well with your situation. Take it easy, and be kind to yourself and everyone.

[Mattbaldacchino]

Very good advice, will definitely take it into consideration but things have been slippy for a bit now, think its best to cut my losses whilst I'm ahead and commitment free. As such I wasn't looking to change him, rather teach him not to be a little brat around me and realise he won't have his way with me. So far ignoring him and walking away has work, he always came running back with a cross look on his face. Its his mum who refuses to do anything about it, so in a way him acting up around his mum affects me too since we spend a lot of time together.

Edited November 28, 2014 by Mattbaldacchino

[lovelomsak]

I have read every post here and it seems to me the op has a lot to deal with. This is reading between the lines but it appears he really doesnot want advice.on how to deal with it unless it is advice on how to keep the gf and fix the problem.He cannot accept sage advice. Reading his replies he appears to be in denial. Old hands who know the family culture here know and have told him, that it willnot get better but get worse its up to him now. Stay in the relationship and try to make it work (if he does best of luck to him)or leave before it gets unbearable..

[MediaWatcher]

Thai daughters are disciplined, in western society we may even say abused,...Thai sons are not, if you try you will be in deep....poo.

[Gandtee]

I would think that the kid sees you as an interloper taking his mothers attention and affection from him.Living with his grandparents and then his mum turning up with you he most probably wants her to himself? Knowing you supply her with the money he sees you as a cash cow. If as you say, you are only visiting, why not let her visit on her own?. It won't alter the fact that he will want money. He is after all your stepson and now partly your responsibility. Maybe,it will help to sit him down and through his mother you tell him that you are not a threat and that you will treat him like a son, but only if he behaves himself. To threaten to leave them maybe just the outcome he wants? Here endeth the first lesson

[transam]

I would think that the kid sees you as an interloper taking his mothers attention and affection from him.Living with his grandparents and then his mum turning up with you he most probably wants her to himself? Knowing you supply her with the money he sees you as a cash cow. If as you say, you are only visiting, why not let her visit on her own?. It won't alter the fact that he will want money. He is after all your stepson and now partly your responsibility. Maybe,it will help to sit him down and through his mother you tell him that you are not a threat and that you will treat him like a son, but only if he behaves himself. To threaten to leave them maybe just the outcome he wants? Here endeth the first lesson

Nope...................

[Surasak]

Without sounding tooooooooooooooo negative, I would never again team up with a bird with kids. Mrs.Trans kids are 19 and 25.........And still a complete pain in the ass......For sure you will end up with some other blokes kids living with you.....Seen it time and time again................

If you try and chastise the kid(s) YOU will be in the wrong...Trust me on that...........

So very well put Transam, and so very true.

[Jasun]

It'll get harder the longer you leave it.

[ebean001]

One of the countries biggest problems - and maybe number 1 - is parenting skills. The schools may actually be good but the parenting of young thais is bad. One problem they do not see the consequences of their actions. Then a kid jumps over the seat trying to cause an accident. The root cause - oh boy. Discipline him. Forget it. The damage has been done. My wife and I are now divorced with a 5 year old daughter who hates me. Her parenting caused both to happen. I told her it would happen. It is quite sad. Never have a baby with a Thai woman if you are a farang. She will ignore you and raise the child the thai way. The child and you will suffer greatly.

[Evilbaz]

The kid is not a stepson until they marry - and can be excluded as goods acquired before marriage in a pre-nup 55!

Way back the "prince on the pedestal" syndrome was mentioned - yet it is the girls who are the workers and the ones who support the parents/grandparents.

Amazing Thailand.

Is this a sort of "cut down the tall poppy culture applied to TGs?"

[lucifer666]

Run Forrest. run

[Mattbaldacchino]

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I have read every post here and it seems to me the op has a lot to deal with. This is reading between the lines but it appears he really doesnot want advice.on how to deal with it unless it is advice on how to keep the gf and fix the problem.He cannot accept sage advice. Reading his replies he appears to be in denial. Old hands who know the family culture here know and have told him, that it willnot get better but get worse its up to him now. Stay in the relationship and try to make it work (if he does best of luck to him)or leave before it gets unbearable..

Yes and no. Whilst I didn't post specifically asking for advice, just people's opinions and experiences, a lot of advice was given. If I wanted advice on how to keep the gf and fix the problem why would I post several times that I agree its time to end it? I didn't deny any advice nor am I in denial. I just don't like how people automatically assume I've fallen for a gold digger and she's onlyy with me for the money I (don't) have, subtley calling me a naive idiot as I see it..

I would think that the kid sees you as an interloper taking his mothers attention and affection from him.Living with his grandparents and then his mum turning up with you he most probably wants her to himself? Knowing you supply her with the money he sees you as a cash cow. If as you say, you are only visiting, why not let her visit on her own?. It won't alter the fact that he will want money. He is after all your stepson and now partly your responsibility. Maybe,it will help to sit him down and through his mother you tell him that you are not a threat and that you will treat him like a son, but only if he behaves himself. To threaten to leave them maybe just the outcome he wants? alt=coffee1.gif width=32 height=24> Here endeth the first lesson

Again how can he know I supply her with money when I don't? Like I said before I made the dire mistake of spending a whole 150bht on him to keep him occupied whilst his mum bought groceries and he seems to assume I'm made of it. Re visiting alone; so was I meant to rip up the tickets she bought me when she gave them to me?

Edited November 28, 2014 by Mattbaldacchino

[dutchman]

I am living with a good lady and her son for 1,5 year now.

The son is 14 and already a pain in the ass from day one.

He promiss all he can en just dont do it.

He is lazy as hell and lies and cheat.

What he cannot get. he just will take.

His mom sees me as the bad guy forbid her son to much.

Giving a good lead for the future they really dont care.

Now i cant take it no more and told her to leave although i love her

and know her for 7 years.

The nice little kid i knew before has turned into a nightmare as his mom is giving

him always his way.

Run as heill because you never can win from the kid.

[Mattbaldacchino]

I am living with a good lady and her son for 1,5 year now.

The son is 14 and already a pain in the ass from day one.

He promiss all he can en just dont do it.

He is lazy as hell and lies and cheat.

What he cannot get. he just will take.

His mom sees me as the bad guy forbid her son to much.

Giving a good lead for the future they really dont care.

Now i cant take it no more and told her to leave although i love her

and know her for 7 years.

The nice little kid i knew before has turned into a nightmare as his mom is giving

him always his way.

Run as heill because you never can win from the kid.

Yep, he's a nice little boy when his mum gives him whatever he wants but when the mean farang says "no you can't have a pancake, you haven't even finished the ice cream your mum bought you" he throws a temper tantrum, I walk away and get a "why don't you like my son you evil devil??" look from mum.. Running does seem like the best option and its gonna be what I'll do but it will have to wait till I'm back to my own home, not too comfortable risking upsetting her when I'm surrounded by all of her family on the other side of the country.

[BritManToo]

I am living with a good lady and her son for 1,5 year now.

The son is 14 and already a pain in the ass from day one.

He promiss all he can en just dont do it.

He is lazy as hell and lies and cheat.

What he cannot get. he just will take.

His mom sees me as the bad guy forbid her son to much.

Giving a good lead for the future they really dont care.

Now i cant take it no more and told her to leave although i love her

and know her for 7 years.

The nice little kid i knew before has turned into a nightmare as his mom is giving

him always his way.

Run as heill because you never can win from the kid.

Yep, he's a nice little boy when his mum gives him whatever he wants but when the mean farang says "no you can't have a pancake, you haven't even finished the ice cream your mum bought you" he throws a temper tantrum, I walk away and get a "why don't you like my son you evil devil??" look from mum.. Running does seem like the best option and its gonna be what I'll do but it will have to wait till I'm back to my own home, not too comfortable risking upsetting her when I'm surrounded by all of her family on the other side of the country.

You guys must be insane, why would you put up with stuff like that from someone else's child?

Let alone live with them.

[nithisa78]

First time you see the child. My first thought was what has this innocent child been through in their short life.

Why did I buy unhealthy treat to start? What is my problem. There doesn't seem to be too many mental giants posting here about parenting. Just finger pointers and fault with others finders. Pathological control freaks. Thai bashers.

Have faith. We're not in Kansas anymore (that's a amethaphor.) Go to the Temple with your friend and try not to be discouraged. There are many events we go through, they don't know what country we're in or what age anybody is. They are experiences that must be approached with calm and love. Patience. It doesn't always happen over night.

[1FinickyOne]

Definitely not your place to discipline the kid - but it is definitely your choice whether or not you ewant to put up with it. I would have been in a hotel the 2nd night… and you did not do wrong buying KFC and a couple of games. Kids need a treat now and then too.

[dao16]

Now, the kid may see you as a walking ATM, but there is another possible explanation....

When we moved the kids into the town (they had lived their whole lives--less than a decade--in the countryside), they thought that every day in town meant trips to stores, games, movies, snacks, etc. Once I thought about it, it made sense. For their whole lives, there was regular life in the village and then the town was the place you went once in a blue moon and spent a ton of money and got everything you wanted.

So, I had to sit them down and explain to them that when you live in the city, you don't go out and do everything the city has because you simply can't live like that every day, but that we would have special days when we could go out and do those things. It took a while to sink in, but they got it eventually.

And yes, I would stop the car and refuse to drive until the little bleeper sat down and put on a seat belt.

The clinging on mom and barging into the room at night? Get used to it (although those things can be tempered as well, with time).

The bigger issue in your case is if you really want to tackle this problem in the way it has to be done. It is a pain in the rear (you an search some posts by me and others on this thread about being a stepparent here). It is one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but now the kids are older and have changed and they are great.

It's not for everybody. You might want to seriously consider if it is right for you.

[transam]

First time you see the child. My first thought was what has this innocent child been through in their short life.

Why did I buy unhealthy treat to start? What is my problem. There doesn't seem to be too many mental giants posting here about parenting. Just finger pointers and fault with others finders. Pathological control freaks. Thai bashers.

Have faith. We're not in Kansas anymore (that's a amethaphor.) Go to the Temple with your friend and try not to be discouraged. There are many events we go through, they don't know what country we're in or what age anybody is. They are experiences that must be approached with calm and love. Patience. It doesn't always happen over night.

Crap..........Mrs.Trans as a kid had to walk with a bucket with her sister and pull drinking water from a well and carry it home for the family...........NOW, get hold of a farang and kid lay on the sofa with a coke............

[strapper1]

For the sake of all concerned, you, the boy and gf, you need to get out of this relationship!

[dutchman]

Definitely not your place to discipline the kid - but it is definitely your choice whether or not you ewant to put up with it. I would have been in a hotel the 2nd night… and you did not do wrong buying KFC and a couple of games. Kids need a treat now and then too.

I can tell you i have treaten him very well and he get treads other Thai kids dont have.

Spend a lot for forfill his wishes but whatever you do it is always never enough.

The demands keeps rising, they just do what they want and obedience is a strange word as well as be greatfull

for what they get.

They spoiled as soon they are born.

The parents follow their kids as we have learned to follow our parents.

Get educated about life and learn to do something for get something.

Thai kids (Sons) learn to be lazy as the mom do all and give all.

Edited November 28, 2014 by dutchman

[dutchman]

I am living with a good lady and her son for 1,5 year now.

The son is 14 and already a pain in the ass from day one.

He promiss all he can en just dont do it.

He is lazy as hell and lies and cheat.

What he cannot get. he just will take.

His mom sees me as the bad guy forbid her son to much.

Giving a good lead for the future they really dont care.

Now i cant take it no more and told her to leave although i love her

and know her for 7 years.

The nice little kid i knew before has turned into a nightmare as his mom is giving

him always his way.

Run as heill because you never can win from the kid.

Yep, he's a nice little boy when his mum gives him whatever he wants but when the mean farang says "no you can't have a pancake, you haven't even finished the ice cream your mum bought you" he throws a temper tantrum, I walk away and get a "why don't you like my son you evil devil??" look from mum.. Running does seem like the best option and its gonna be what I'll do but it will have to wait till I'm back to my own home, not too comfortable risking upsetting her when I'm surrounded by all of her family on the other side of the country.

You guys must be insane, why would you put up with stuff like that from someone else's child?

Let alone live with them.

I always thought it would not be that bad as it really is

Now i understand and never make the mistake twice

When you love the mother you will give it a try as you think it

will be alright but it aint.

[A1Str8]

No facebook for five minutes.

[Mattbaldacchino]

Yeah from day 3 I could see it wasn't gonna work out. I always said I dont wanna raise someone else's kid. I thought "hey maybe its not so bad if we visit every so often" but to him a visit from mum always meant being showered with gifts and treats. I'm just not like that. Always taught to appreciate what I had and no use asking for other things (unless it was Christmas or my birthday). This kid seems to think of his mum as the mum as the walking ATM and the fact that I can drive her uncles car, he expects trips into town daily. She's not a tap on my wallet and he sure as hell wont be. Ah well time to pull the plug I guess. Was fun while it lasted.

[elgordo38]

I have had 2 wives in Canada both came with kids. I also had a couple g/f's with kids. It was the same every time. If had a problem with the kid I had to go through her. When I kids became intolerable I dealt with them directly. Mother bear did not like this and the suitcases came out and pooof they were gone. I am 76 now in Thailand for 4 years. I have a great relationship with a 25 year old Thai lady. I stressed right from the start I wanted a non working lady, spoke some English WITH NO KIDS!!!! I offered a package to her and she accepted and has been gold for me since. She never asks for extra's and because of that I do give them from time to time. I am in the promised land.

[KamalaRider]

His attitude towards you are the same as his mothers, he's just copying how she feel about you, although she's doing it in different way than him.

Normally, a kid is absolutely not allowed to act that way towards an adult.

Forget about disciplining him, YOU ARE NOT allowed.

[David48]

Yeah from day 3 I could see it wasn't gonna work out. I always said I dont wanna raise someone else's kid. I thought "hey maybe its not so bad if we visit every so often" but to him a visit from mum always meant being showered with gifts and treats. I'm just not like that. Always taught to appreciate what I had and no use asking for other things (unless it was Christmas or my birthday). This kid seems to think of his mum as the mum as the walking ATM and the fact that I can drive her uncles car, he expects trips into town daily. She's not a tap on my wallet and he sure as hell wont be. Ah well time to pull the plug I guess. Was fun while it lasted.

she must be a great cook!

[Mattbaldacchino]

She really is a great cook, I now understand why shes always criticizing the food when we eat out and I sure will miss her cooking. But as they say all good things come to an end. That end is when we're far enough from her family being able to do anything I doubt she's after money as she never asks for anything, but its because of this I buy her the odd pair of 150baht shoes/ handbag she's eyeing at the market and this is only every few weeks. If I think its too expensive or I dont feel like buying it she accepts and either does without or buys it herself. Maybe shes only me because of the air conditioner in my tiny room...