During a trip to UK we met up with friends who had returned to live there 2 years earlier. As we wandered around an arboretum in full bloom (May) my friend explained that his wife had been decidedly unimpressed when he had taken her to a similar place several months earlier as there hadn't been a lot to see due to the season....

"Where did you go?" I asked her.

"Kew bushes" was her reply

I was watching the movie Elf with my gf last week and she asked me if Elves existed.

My wife is Lao not Thai. same same but different

I smell things. My shirt, socks for example. I don't sweat much and I don't smell. I can easily wear a shirt 2 days. My wife hates it! She changes clothes a couple of times a day. A while back I had just gotten over a cold and my wife caught me giving my shirt a quick sniff and gave me a biology lesson.

Her: Vilus and bactelia are velly velly small. You cannot see them. You must careful to bleathing. You bleathe anything. That's why you are sick. You no listen me. You bad husband!

She was stuck for what to call a feather duster - came out as "Chicken Hair Stick" - logical, I suppose.

Absolutely true: When we were in England my wife had some silk she wanted to make into a dress so took it to a nearby shop which had a big sign outside "Silk Cut". Very embarrassed, but saved face by buying cigarettes anyway !

My wife asked me if Santa Claus is real, about a week ago. She is 32.

I approached my wife as she was squat down on the floor cleaning. She looked up at me, held out her palms, which contained a couple of screws. She said, "want two screw"? She had no idea why I began to crack up in laughter.

I hope I don't offend our religious members, but..

Several years ago my wife asked me to explain Easter to her.

I tried to keep it simple by not reflecting on the religious significance, but more on the historical..

So my explaination was,.."a few thousand years ago a man overseas challenged the government and died. So we remember him at Easter"

Her reply was "That happens in Thailand all the time"

"Handsome Man" ....You talking to me?

Our 2nd trip to Australia in 2001 we were in a supermarket completing some grocery shopping. I asked TW what she would like for lunch, her immediate reply "Meat in a Cup" ??? I looked around and spotted a Bouquet Bakery she was pointing at displaying Meat Pies. She had taken a liking to them on our 1st trip.

It was funny.......but any self respecting gecko MUST be smarter than a lowlife cater. Surely!

I would just like to tell the funniest thing said to my wife by another Thai. First, my wife of 43 years is very small. She is fluent in speaking English. We were holding a conversation in English and this Thai says, "How can you be so small and know so much English?"

"My sandwich is very itchy"

"Do my booby look like fried egg?"

Hysterical: "No no no....the caterpillar will go in my ear and eat my inside...have big problem."

"Australia is in Europe"

"I bought Mexican jeans from Europe"

Its not your money -- I LOVE YOU !

Had a friend who wanted to know the Thai words for "rewind button". He was getting a car CD player repaired. I didn't know the actual word but guessed it would be based around the Thai word for button, being bpoom.

I found it, and pointed out to my friend that the very next word in the phone app was the Thai word for clitoris.

Missus overheard and says "Mmmm.....I like liquorice".

When I argue with the missus her English starts to waver and she comes out with some classics,She called me a "Very Idiot" the other day.This usually stops the argument as I crack up and she does as well

My wife is very funny.

She keeps asking me.

My love, give me some money.

I do admire her sense of humour..........

Your lucky ,mine asks for my visa card ,

My hip joints were a bit painful the other day. My wife said that she knew why that was so.

I asked her to tell me and she said, " Well you exercise with dumbbells. That makes your hips painful. I don't exercise with dumbbells and my hips don't hurt me."

My gf visiting Detroit, "Where are all the white people"

My gf in Cm, "We have two pet pets"

Years back the missus was picking vegetables with my mom all seemed to go well until my mom dragged me aside and remarked that the missus' language was a little salty.

what had happened was the missus spotted pumpkins still on the vine she shreiked 'fuk thong' to my mom.

as she discovered more pumpkins lurking under the leaves she just yelled fuk fuk fuk each time!

Mom was taken aback!

The missus later had to come to grips with the French word for seal at a zoo one day. You guessed it 'phoque' but spoken ........

"The President of United States works in the housewife."

me:

- silence - mental acrobatics - synonyms, associations, double entendres all checked - finally reverse engineered thought process:

Housewife to House White to White House

Again ...maybe you had to be there...but recently took the gf to AU..Melb.... Anyway big family dinner and yes , guilty to having taught my girl bit of bar lingo ..like shut the f up.....go f yourself etc..

Anyway the family is all ears (bit conservative)

Sister asks... So bell what you think of Australia.

Gf replies ....ITS SO F.....ING BIG

Just as well no one has false teeth. They would have been on floor.....

"you're a cheap charlie"

I daren't tell you how much monthly allowance she gets and the land, cars, family support etc. I'd be inundated with hate mail from ThaiV warriors

Told her I was going to Reading the next day. Half hour later she comes to me & asks "who's getting married ?"

'Don't worry darling, when we go live in Thailand, we'll be rich. things very cheap there'.

??????????????????????

Not the Mrs but a FWB when I was single once commented on the fact I had a lot of women around.

"Ah but you don't get to be an expert in food if you eat in the same restaurant every night" I Said.

She replied "Darling, if you eat that way you are bound to get food poisoning!"

That always made me chuckle.

I will do anything for you

Perhaps we could widen the scope to include actions too. We never argue, but if I try to get her to do something she doesn't want to do she goes completely silent & starts walking like Dick Emery!

For the longest time, my wife kept claiming that she couldn't figure out how to use an ATM machine, and every time she needed to withdraw some money, she needed to enlist the help of my step-daughter.

My step-daughter wasn't exactly thrilled with this chore, and kept lodging back channel complaints to me, asking if there wasn't something I could do to improve the situation.

Finally, I realized that my wife was in dire need of some long overdue lessons on how to use an ATM. To tell the truth, I probably gave her a look or two which said, "what kind of person doesn't know how to use a damn ATM machine, anyway?", but I really did try to be as patient and understanding as I could.

So one quiet Saturday afternoon we went into town, and practiced putting the card in the machine, entering the password and navigating the various menus, always cancelling the transaction right before the final step.

But, unexpectedly, when we cancelled the transaction at the end of the 7th or 8th run-through, the machine refused to return the card.

My wife turned to me, looking for an explanation about what had happened. When I stutteringly tried to explain what I thought had happened, she interrupted me with: "See, I tell you before, this machine nothing but big headache. Every time happen like this!"

"I cut your head, bo?!" (I was in need of a haircut)

"Better you not visit." (After I apologized for coming to Thailand for only a few days. Later found out it was "Better than...")