What would you do?

[marko kok prong]

I will keep it brief,my wife's sister has now died after a year or so of sickness,and the funeral is on saturday,i have been asked to pay,as the family have nothing,she was a great lady,and good fun,i agreed of course,30,000 baht,maybe i will get some back from the village/donations,whilst i do not mind paying for this it makes me a little nervous for the future,when more die,i could not really say no,i have a lot of money in the bank and to balk at so paltry a sum,would have seemed somewhat Dickensian,never the less,were does it stop,i would only do it for immediate family,wife,the fil,sisters,brothers,and hope i get it back. Thing that gets me is her german ex partner,will put in nothing and has said he is too sad,to come to the funeral. Well here i am ready for the bullets,let loose guy's.But i want to know what you would do in this situation,i have been married 3 years,just to clarify,and the family is a very good one,any money i have lent has always been repaid.

Edited May 27, 2015 by marko kok prong

[TP1]

You know the answer yourself.

And you've done the right thing to pay for the funeral.

Can't understand why are you asking us if you should pay.

Or you expect us to give you a pat on the shoulder and tell you what a good boy you are?

[marko kok prong]

Not at all,my thing was where do you draw the line,no pat on the shoulder wanted,thought it may be a subject that a lot of us may face,no need to get nasty.

[lovelomsak]

Tough one for sure. No one wants to be taken for a fool but neither does a caring person not want to help.

Most villages have a fund they raise for the family when someone dies. Every household contributes.In out village if the person who dies is from my moo then we give 100 baht if the person isnot from our moo but the village we give 20 baht. Depends how big the village is what the family will receive. Also if the family is poor friends and neighbours will give food or drinks,they get recognotion for this at the actual funeral.

I think you donot have a problem. Sounds like the 30,000 is so they can get things started I feel the costs will well exceed that. Looks to me like they just need the money to cover the first day.

Oh and good on you for doing it. I am sure they will respect you for it as do I.

Lets hope they stop at immediate family.

Edited May 27, 2015 by lovelomsak

[Gsxrnz]

If they've always repaid money before, don't "pay" for the funeral. Tell them you'll lend them 20K for the funeral and you'll pay 10k.

They have to make face by paying you back since you paid 10K. Let it be well known to all and sundry in the village that it's a loan, and you're only doing it because she is a VERY close relative.

This may ensure eventual repayment and deter the wife's third cousin's nephew (thrice removed) from hitting you up when his Gik passes on.

[sanuk711]

Yes ---is the right thing to do.....where does it stop----don't know, I guess the immediate family.

Oh don't count to much on contributions, I have had about 4 Tamboons.....and a wedding-----never seen such a big pile of 20 baht notes in my life....including the wedding which was 30% farangs

[Seligne2]

You are in a tough situation. Obviously, she needs to be cremated, etc., and someone has to pay. It seems to me that everyone in the family ought to shoulder part of the burden depending on their means. I think the key to this is your wife. Where does she stand on this? Does she want you to pay up or is she insisting that each family member donate according to their means? If the former, you will be the go-to guy every time there is some misfortune. One thing you should do I think is stay silent about how much money you have, how this is a trivial expense, etc. If they loved her, they should be happy to contribute something in my view.

[NickJ]

Mak......i did not even read the replys....

do what you think is right.......and thats it Bro...you know....

[sanuk711]

If they've always repaid money before, don't "pay" for the funeral. Tell them you'll lend them 20K for the funeral and you'll pay 10k.

They have to make face by paying you back since you paid 10K. Let it be well known to all and sundry in the village that it's a loan, and you're only doing it because she is a VERY close relative.

This may ensure eventual repayment and deter the wife's third cousin's nephew (thrice removed) from hitting you up when his Gik passes on.

Its his wife's sister we are talking about------ Yer do as Gsxrnz says......lend it to them, for a small interest of course, & make it a compounded loan in case the payments back aren't bang on time...maybe you should also secure your loan by holding on to any gold rings or whatever the family have.........

You just cant be to sure you know......maybe she's not even dead............

Edited May 27, 2015 by sanuk711

[coulson]

'were does it stop,i would only do it for immediate family,wife,the fil,sisters,brothers,and hope i get it back'

If that's where you're prepared to draw the line then that is where to draw it. Although, I'm pretty sure there may be additional expenses compounded in the years immediately preceding funerals, and they might equate to more than 30k

[marko kok prong]

Thanks for the input guys,yeah i am gonna have to make it clear,after this that it is immediate family only,no aunt's uncles,cousin's,cousins giks[ha,ha],dogs,chickens,mongouses or anything or buffalo[none here anymore anyway],but i really could not say no,it would have made me the worst curmudeggeon,and an absolute cove,and a dashed bounder to boot,my wife is very good though,she quickly put's a stop to any Falang atm rumours,with an iron fist,well she is a clever girl. Waiting for the 'big men' to air there views,on here [they know who they are],suppose the would not give a satang of there hard earned.

[Stan42]

Funerals are there for the ones left behind, not for the deceased. They exist to comfort the grieving. Pay whatever amount you think will ease you and your family's mind. Be it a cardboard shoebox or a solid gold coffin. Pay what you think it's worth for you.

[rgs2001uk]

Funerals at the local temple are free, LOL, its the dog and pony show that costs.

[pigeonjake]

in the OP you say,,,

Thing that gets me is her german ex partner,will put in nothing and has said he is too sad,to come to the funeral,

why should he pay anything?

and again why should he go to the funeral?

youve done your bit, just make sure you havnt left the door open for more funerals,

[xen]

Do not forget the tamboon on the first anniversary of the death and from experience that can be even more expensive . Like rgs2001uk said the funeral is free at most temples, it is paying, or giving a donation, to as many monks to chant and the whole show business event that costs the baht. And the party/wake afterwards . I will pay for food within reason but call me an a---rshole if you like but i detest having to buy whiskey for a whole pack of parasites who may or may not have had any feeling towards the deceased except they can get shitfaced for free for the night. . If she was well respected then a small contribution will suffice and the donations from the village will reflect how much they felt for her regardless of how poor they are. Perhaps after the donations you can then fill in any shortfall .

[Gecko123]

Marko:

My wife's family is poor as well. During the period I have lived here, my wife's father and two of her older brothers have died.

No one ever asked me to donate money related to funeral costs, not even the few hundred to a thousand baht in an envelope I usually give when attending a funeral.

The funeral gatherings and vigils were all held at the temple. Food for the family and guests were supplied pot luck style. Drinkers supplied their own booze. If someone forked out a large sum of money to finance the funeral, I'm not aware of it.

[Cypress Hill]

The OP's family would have no trouble at all finding the coin for that funeral but they know he needs to show his wife that he's still worth having around so they pass him the bill

OP just keeps on adding to the litany of stupid decisions that have characterised this daft union.

If he had any sense at all, he'd have walked a long time ago.

[rgs2001uk]

If he has any sense, drive the family to the local pawn shop.

Link provided, if he cant read Thai, the wording is rong rap jam nam.

https://smelink.net/company/phetchabun-pawnshop-co-ltd.html

[Crazy chef 1]

Marko save the bucks for the big day...you know when FIL...

[marko kok prong]

The OP's family would have no trouble at all finding the coin for that funeral but they know he needs to show his wife that he's still worth having around so they pass him the bill

OP just keeps on adding to the litany of stupid decisions that have characterised this daft union.

If he had any sense at all, he'd have walked a long time ago.

Thanks Ch,exactly what i expected you to say,you really are the most charming chap,good to see you at your viperish best.

[Cypress Hill]

The OP's family would have no trouble at all finding the coin for that funeral but they know he needs to show his wife that he's still worth having around so they pass him the bill

OP just keeps on adding to the litany of stupid decisions that have characterised this daft union.

If he had any sense at all, he'd have walked a long time ago.

Thanks Ch,exactly what i expected you to say,you really are the most charming chap,good to see you at your viperish best.

Sorry but I didn't realise that only those who agreed with you could comment.

My bad

if speaking the truth makes me "viperish", then a viper be I

[angiolo]

Who would pay if you were not around....?

Absolutely so. Without you they would have coped , probably a cheaper arrangement. My suggestion would be to add some money to the village fund . NOT PAY THE LOT .. the village should be pleased with contribution. If not so be it .

[Kenny202]

Tough one for sure. No one wants to be taken for a fool but neither does a caring person not want to help.

Most villages have a fund they raise for the family when someone dies. Every household contributes.In out village if the person who dies is from my moo then we give 100 baht if the person isnot from our moo but the village we give 20 baht. Depends how big the village is what the family will receive. Also if the family is poor friends and neighbours will give food or drinks,they get recognotion for this at the actual funeral.

I think you donot have a problem. Sounds like the 30,000 is so they can get things started I feel the costs will well exceed that. Looks to me like they just need the money to cover the first day.

Oh and good on you for doing it. I am sure they will respect you for it as do I.

Lets hope they stop at immediate family.

I thought every moo ban had some insurance fund that everyone paid into so everyone was assured of at least a basic funeral?

[redandyellow]

It's not all about money at some point - I'm glad that you realize that - and the German fellow perhaps does not.

by dint of his actions, and genuine lame excuses..

But being perceived as a Cheap Charlie, Keenyow..or a sticky sh-t, with short arms and deeeeep pockets is about the worst label a farang can have in the LOS

You are not being taken to the cleaners here - as you are well aware, when you are JAI DEE to your EXTENDED Thai family - you are "repaid" in many good ways beyond what your financial investment-gift-loan amounts to in the end.

Sure farang have a fairly "bad" image among many Thais - but many of them also see through the stereotypes, the Bullsh-t and see the farang as a person by their actions - NO words - therefore you are never looked down upon by them, or perceived as a holding tank for an ATM machine

But every family has ONE - I have one brother in law that doesn't like me much - pretends he does though

[redandyellow]

Sorry to hear about your sister in law

They say Thais are more pragmatic about death - yes and no

The women cry at the end, at the Temple - just like the farang

We ain't so different after all..

[YeahSiam]

This is just the logical next step after

training the farang to get the check

for the extended family meal. Does

anyone here doubt that the OP would

be ostracised if he refused to pay??

[vento]

We spend money on so Many foolish things in our life. This is not one if Them

[marko kok prong]

This is just the logical next step after

training the farang to get the check

for the extended family meal. Does

anyone here doubt that the OP would

be ostracised if he refused to pay??

I doubt i would be ,but you are failing to grasp the point,i have money,they do not,i would do the same thing if i was in the same position back in the west,in all honesty what should i say,no you are not having a satang,you sort it out,how would i appear then,sometimes in life you have to pay for thing's possibly you would rather not,but in this instance,i think i am doing the right thing,also i am glad i do not share your rather cynical view of Thai people,or human beings in general.

[marko kok prong]

in the OP you say,,,

Thing that gets me is her german ex partner,will put in nothing and has said he is too sad,to come to the funeral,

why should he pay anything?

and again why should he go to the funeral?

youve done your bit, just make sure you havnt left the door open for more funerals,

Jake my gripe with him is not about putting in any money,but just to show up to the funeral,when we go to the temple,they were together 8 years,he finished it,but they still were on friendly terms,i just thought he should pay his respects,but he cried off with he would be too upset,he has stomach pain,this is typical of the guy,a more lilly livered mummys boy,i have yet to meet,last year my wife drove him to phitsanoluk hospital and back with her sister,because he was 'dying', the Docs verdict, irratable bowl,and he cannot even be bothered to show his face.

[marko kok prong]

Who would pay if you were not around....?

Good point,i suppose they would have to borrow from a loan shark or something.