Relationship in Crisis Zone

[FruitPudding]

Hello all,

I have been with my GF, technically fiancee, for over 7 years. We have a 4 year old child.

Our relationship was easy for the first 3 years. After our daughter was born, our lives became stressful, and mixed with cultural differences, we began to get into conflict. Though, not as bad as other relationships I have observed and been in. The occasional disagreement isn't the real problem. Though, she clearly thinks little of me.

Her libido is plummeting. Hers never really matched mines to be honest, probably partly due to her being older. I would say we are borderline in the "sexless marriage" zone. The definition of which is 10 times per year or less.

Nowadays, for the past year, she has slept mostly with our daughter. I asked her how she feels about sleeping in separate rooms and she says she doesn't feel anything. She claims it is just because she takes our daughter to bed and happens to fall asleep there, partly true, but not a great excuse.

She clearly feels very secure in our relationship as she knows I wouldn't leave her to be a single parent. Our daughter is the only thing stopping me leaving, to be honest.

We know where our problems lay. She claims that every woman wants a man stronger than herself and I am not strong enough for her. I know what she means - I don't have enough alpha qualities. I clarified for her that I need a GF, not a housemate. She said she would work on it, but nothing really changed. Yes, I know, if I want to her to have more carnal desire for me I have to develop some more alpha qualities as this is what women find sexually attractive. Though, frankly I am not sure I will get the return I am looking for, and to be honest she is probably the last woman on earth I would actually want to sleep with (due to how she has treated me).

So, I am now faced with another 10-15 years of loneliness and misery before I break up what will be about a 20 year relationship (that won't look good and I will be the bad guy).

I would really like for it to work, but I am not optimistic.

Can anyone see another way? What would you do?

[Katipo]

Have you tried, or could you even try, talking to her about a separation? Something amicable of course. You would continue to support her and visit the child on a regular basis, but you would both have the freedom to explore other possibilities.

I am assuming a lot of course, not least that she would be mature enough to even consider this even if it was in her best interests. You mention she is older, so perhaps a housemate is all she wants, that, and security.

One way or the other you need to make her understand your needs. Make it clear that what you really want is for them to be satisfied by her, with you doing the same for her. If she does not want, or is unable, to fulfill those needs, then she has to let you go.

Only you know how she may react to something like this, but however you approach it, word it in ways that make it seem like you are thinking about both of you (and of course your child), and not just about you or her. if you make it about you she will call you selfish, if you make it about her, she will feel you are blaming her.

[MaeJoMTB]

If she won't have sex with you whenever you want it ....... she's the bad person.

For a start, stop giving her money.

Not to mention, unless you have a court order, the kid isn't considered yours.

So stop giving money for the kid.

Take your stuff and your wallet and move out.

Nobody in Thailand will think you are a bad person for leaving a gf that refuses to have sex with you.

That's the only reason most of us have a gf.

What would I do?

I'd already be gone, I wouldn't even bother to see the kid, not that I would have any right to do so.

Edited January 12, 2016 by MaeJoMTB

[JHolmesJr]

She just called you a pussy, man.

You got dissed.

Leave,

You wont be missed.

Time to get pissed

Find a new girl

Who wants to be kissed.

[RBOP]

Welcome to the club. That is, good sex at the beginning, have a child or 2, wife slowly not interested in sex anymore but gets very jealous if you look at another lady. Good I can just go down the street for a quickie at the massage parlor. 10 times a year... your doing better than me but I do get out for those quickies at least every month for an oil change. The only reason I stay with the wife is because of our child. Its not unheard of to get divorced (50%).

[laislica]

wow a couple of harse posts there!

How old are you both?
Can you speak Thai?
How well does she speak your language?
Have you read Thailand Fever?

What are your jobs?

Does dhe have a large or small family?

Do you support her family?

What are your hobbies?
In what type of accommodation do you live?
Who owns it?

So, just a few questions then!

I doubt if anyone on this forum could give meaningful advice without more info.

Are there any councilling possibilities?

Best of luck.

[mmh8]

talk openly. suggest an open relationship. with rules such as not bringing the other into the relationship with child. That way the home stays sanctuary for child and opportunity to get together AGain with wife.

the whole alpha thing is overrated. simple iwth examples really, practise alpha posturing at random times, e.g. take wife and hcilds to local shopping mall and start poosturing in alpha ways.

start making advances on other women in front of wife so she can see your alpha ways.

good luck with your life. the child usually knows more about whats going on than they let on. id 1 unhappy, then probably 2.

[shina]

If she wants a stronger men tell her to find a drunk Thai that will beat her once in a while.

My EX used to say the same. She has been single for 2 yrs since we broke up.

[MaeJoMTB]

the whole alpha thing is overrated. simple iwth examples really, practise alpha posturing at random times, e.g. take wife and hcilds to local shopping mall and start poosturing in alpha ways. start making advances on other women in front of wife so she can see your alpha ways.

Off topic,

Alpha males don't take their wife shopping.

Edited January 12, 2016 by MaeJoMTB

[JHolmesJr]

....start poosturing in alpha ways.start making advances on other women in front of wife so she can see your alpha ways.....

Alpha ways

Its a maze

Acting like a tool

Only makes a man

Look like a fool

Put down that alpha sprout

And tell da bitch to

Get da $&@$ out.

[kkup]

Sounds like you need to go on a few more "boys trips".

[humqdpf]

I take it that your GF is Thai.

First, you would not be the only man who finds himself in a marriage after a few years with very little sex available. The world is full of such people in all sorts of cultures. In such circumstances, you plainly have a choice - either go for a separation or stay with the marriage but find a way of getting intimacy/sex/love elsewhere.

If I could deal with the second option first (and you may want to stay together for all sorts of reasons, including your child), if your GF is Thai, she will understand that if she is not providing the sex/intimacy, then someone else will. Unlike a Western style marriage when it is expected for the man to put up without sex if the wife does not want it any more, in Thailand men are pretty much expected to have a bit on the side.

You can have your sexual outlet in a number of ways - some men prefer to go for a massage with extras or some arrangement like this, whether it is via a well-known outlet that provides such services or through someone they find who is not ordinarily in the sex business - but the point is that money changes hands. It has the benefit of being discrete which will be appreciated by your wife and others.

You can go for a "gig" (friend with benefits) but that is usually transient. You can get a mistress (lesser wife) - this will have greater impact on your finances but has the benefit of being in a relationship, which is what many Westerner men may want.

In other words, even if you stay in the marriage, you don't have to live a sexless life forever. In Thai culture, your GF will not have a leg to stand on if you take any of the options set out above.

Otherwise, you can separate. Personally I would not suggest throwing the GF out and refusing to pay for anything including your child, as some in this forum have suggested. Part of your DNA is in that child. Only if your GF is a real problem (disappears with the child or otherwise refuses access) would I completely cut them off. And I would get legal advice on this. Going the separation route will cost you money especially if you pay child support and you don't want to be a complete jerk.

In all of these options, you will spend money. Like everything else in life, it is down to the money.

Possibly the option of staying with your GF but going for massage with extras is going to be your least expensive option although I hear that some gigs are not expensive. A mia noi or mistress is going to cost you as much as a wife. Your decision really depends on how much cash/income you have.

Look on the bright side - if you were in a Western country, your GF could up and leave with your child and take half your assets and have a right to a large part of your income.

You made various references to an aspect of your character, that you are not an alpha male or words to that effect. Actually, no one really likes alpha males, especially the bullying types. But if you are to survive living in Thailand, you have to learn how to assert yourself so as to have respect at least of your family. Your wife may not respect you because you are either too passive or do not stand up for yourself. The trouble is that if this is the case it is likely that you will have the same problem with any Thai woman you meet. Even the massage lady may try to rip you off if she thinks you are a push over.

If you are in a situation where you have very little income or capital but you are still young enough, you may wish to consider returning to your home country or going to a country where your skills are in demand and building up some capital. Life without money in your home country may not be fun - life in Thailand with no money is much worse because you get no respect and you can see large numbers of Westerners living it up and having a great time. Besides, being a falang in a relationship with a Thai woman and having no money has to a be a special kind of hell.

[MaeJoMTB]

I take it that your GF is Thai.

First, you would not be the only man who finds himself in a marriage after a few years with very little sex available.

Small correction ........ OP says gf not wife.

And legally in Thailand, not his wife = not his child = no ongoing responsibility to either of them in any way.

Edited January 12, 2016 by MaeJoMTB

[albyom]

I cannot believe there are people so foolish to choose a thai woman and have a child with her.

You like signing up for a miserable life and screw up the rest of your life.

Reason is intelligence taking exercise. Imagination is intelligence with an erection

You still did not understand Thai women?

Maybe you do not like real women that why you choose a thai empty doll

Edited January 12, 2016 by albyom

[ozyjon]

[albyom]

Its strange how some people ignore the logic just because they believe what they like to believe and ignore the truth

[Ulic]

Ask her how she feels about you taking a Mia Noi. You don't really have to listen to her answer.

You are just informing her of your intentions.

[Jeffkp]

I'm baffled. It seems from the posts I've read here that a lot of western men have children with Thai women they're not married to. If they're good enough to have a child with, are they not good enough to marry? I'm 61 and not interested in either a wife or a child. Just curious.

[wanderluster]

next

[gemguy]

Sounds like you need to explain to the wife how it should be where she makes you happy while you reciprocate and make her happy in numerous ways ...or at least attempt to explain to her so you can at least say you tried.

If she can not make you happy and has no valid reason for not doing so, then go make yourself happy...and do not feel guilty about it.

** That is if you just have to have sex and your wife is not providing**

This is Thailand where you can do what you want anyhow while she will wake up to who is really in control...whether you up and walk away suddenly or fade away over time.

Either way it always amazes me how so many Thai women have a good thing on the go with a good man and they go and screw it up in any number of ways by being themselves with all their Thai female idiosyncrasies ( they have a lot of idiosyncrasies....as in a lot ) while being self centered and self absorbed in their own agenda without seriously contemplating the ramifications of their female thinking and female conduct....resulting in many men just leaving abruptly or just fading away with intent after growing fed up with the women and realizing the whole relationship is all about the woman and her needs and her agenda.

And then, they have no idea at all, supposedly, as to why the man up and left her and will always blame the man while they believe themselves to be the ultimate little angel that can do no wrong and did no wrong

No matter what you do anyhow...you are still the bad man as all men are considered bad in some ways in their minds so you are already guilty before proven innocent and nothing while change her mind.....so please yourself whether you decide to stay in an uncomfortable environment or decide to go.

Cheers

[chilli42]

I am not trying to be critical but, based on the content of your post, she is correct in what she is saying about you. You need to work on your self esteem. That said, you deserve to be happy. You don't deserve to be an ATM machine for your family. Based on what you have said in the post, that would seem to best be achieved by going your separate ways. You might also want to get yourself tested for low testosterone.

[laislica]

[Mitkof Island]

My question is which never gets answered i wonder why. Where did you meet her ? and Did you ever bother to learn to speak Thai? If you answered the bar for the first question and no to the second. You deserve what you got. The majority not the minority of foreigners do this as their bank accounts sink to zero. Can you honestly answer these two questions? I doubt it.

Edited January 12, 2016 by Mitkof Island

[Stevemercer]

In my books, the key aspect in any relationship is mutual respect. Things like trust and honesty flow out of this. If there is no respect then the relationship is finished. If your gf has no respect for you there is no point in staying with her. For your future sanity and happiness you have no choice, but to face the inevitable and start your life with someone else. Make the change in thinking now.

[ggt]

Sex for enjoyment is cheap in Thailand...you would be surprised how many couples seek relief outside of marriage as their sexual needs are not being met...

Resigning yourself to many more years of a loveless marriage is not the way to go...life is so short...you will be wasting some of the best years of your life with this woman...

The daughter is another story...children always complicate the option of divorce...tugs at the heart strings...

Examine your life objectively...make a plan to improve your present situation...or consider making the difficult move...

Personally, I doubt your wife is now faithful to you...

Just saying...

Good Luck.

[bluebluewater]

She is pretty much telling you that you are free to go Fcck About. She is probably glad for it as she "clearly thinks little of me" and she will not care either.

If you don't wanna leave your child then there is your license to do pretty much as you please. However, you will be living with a stranger and a good chance that over time, as she and her family poison that youngsters mind, your child will not wanna have much to do with you either.

Edited January 12, 2016 by bluebluewater

[1FinickyOne]

If your profile is correct, you are young and likely have not been in other long term relationships… it is not uncommon anywhere in the world for relationships to suffer a "7 year itch" where sex can become boring…

there are a lot of overly negative comments above - but also some good advice too… sift through it and keep this in mind - what is this going to be like in 10 years? And also - you made a kid - it is your kid whether you live together or not. I hope you keep in contact and take good care of your child…

Best of luck to you…

ps - don't worry this alpha male issue - she was probably originally attracted to you because you were not. Many Thai ladies prefer a gentleman to an alpha male anyway…

Edited January 12, 2016 by kenk24

[timendres]

I'm baffled. It seems from the posts I've read here that a lot of western men have children with Thai women they're not married to. If they're good enough to have a child with, are they not good enough to marry? I'm 61 and not interested in either a wife or a child. Just curious.

Few of these gentlemen had any plans for a child. They were just busy enjoying the BB until... suddenly... oops.

And generally speaking, the girls that are the most fun for this activity are rarely the best choice for a wife or mother.

[tonray]

Basically..she has the half farang kid she wanted and now she wants you gone...I am sure you love the kid so complicates matters..but ask her straight up if she wants out ..if so try and strike a deal for dual parenting..in exchangw for cash stipend..your choice if you love the kid

[louse1953]

I take it that your GF is Thai.

First, you would not be the only man who finds himself in a marriage after a few years with very little sex available.

Small correction ........ OP says gf not wife.

And legally in Thailand, not his wife = not his child = no ongoing responsibility to either of them in any way.

But there is the moral factor,something you clearly know nothing about.