Cross-Cultural Relationships

[EyesWideOpen]

For me it's definitely been harder work and more complicated in a cross-cultural relationship with a Thai partner. That said, it's also been the most rewarding partnership I've ever had.

Having kids (for me at least) adds a whole new dimension to the complexities of cross-cultural relationships. It helps focus me and my wife's priorities, but working out the best options for kids in life, and trying to optimise their happiness now and prepare them for the future, is no easy task.

Cheers

Fletch

Well put. I also have a five year old daughter with my Thai wife.

And in the end, whatever cross-cultural relationship difficulties

( as you delicately put it ) we have, in the end those issues

always fade away in light of what is best for our child.... :-)

[bwpage3]

Mutual respect is the key and for a lot of western men, they simply cannot respect a Thai woman of any stature or any woman period.

This is more prevalent in Thailand where many men have a fear of losing it all, when they do not have much to lose and no way to rebuild if they lose their financial footing.

On the contrary some Thai women will never learn that money does not grow on trees, refusing to believe all foreigners are not rich and hiding money.

The real magic is to find one that understands the limits of what you are able to provide and are acceptable/happy to living in those limits.

I think the relationships are easier for the man when he knows he can accumulate a lot of money each month and has the constant opportunity to make more and more each month, versus losing everything and being on a small pension where it cannot be easily replaced.

But the real key is you have to find someone that mutually respects you for making their life better. Not better for today, but better for the long term. If you are renting a flat and your wife has dreams of a house and car, her needs are not going to be met.

A big key is before getting married understand exactly what those needs/dreams are and ask yourself if you can realistically meet them. She is not going to change her mind and settle for less if she can avoid it. Even if she gets married, she will still have those dreams and if they are not being met she will leave with the first person that can meet them. Cannot fault any person, woman or not, who wants to have their dream fulfilled.

If that sincere appreciation is not there, fighting and unhappiness will be everywhere.

Each case is different and how you mutually respect each other is ultimately the determining factor for a happy marriage.

There is no magic solution that works for everyone.

My only guess would be taking the time to understand your wife's needs over the long term and whether you can meet them to her happy satisfaction.

If your needs are being met and your wife makes you happy, making her happy should be part of the deal.

Some might be surprised how well a Thai woman can grow socially and emotionally if there is shared mutual respect.

We are back in the USA now. My wife has her own car. Takes the kid to school each morning and picks him up in the afternoon.

Does all the grocery shopping. Can run around and get her hair done or whatever else is needed.

She has 100% access to everything I own, bank accounts, credit cards etc.

I have a huge life insurance policy for my family through my work.

As years have clicked by I have always recognized the value she adds to me. I have a lot of respect for the things she does for the family every single day. Makes my life as easy as possible. I work and she handles the rest. Great partnership.

If she ran off someday, I still make plenty of money and do not look at losing any materials things as that great of a loss. But losing her would be might great loss. So to minimize the chance of that every happening, I share equal respect with her on every level.

All of the professionals I work with have nothing but respect as well. Hosting dinner parties or whatever. She has adapted to the USA and has fit right in. She recognizes she has more than she ever dreamed possible and respects me for providing that. Mutual respect.

It takes huge courage for the man to be able to prepare his wife for life as an equal and to make sure she has the best of everything he can provide.

However, if fetching a bottle of beer is more important, it is no wonder many couples never make it in life.

[bwpage3]

A study was done in America a number of years ago. They interviewed

and studied people who had been married for 50 years or more.

The general concept was that most marriages only last a few

years, so what was it about these couples that allowed them to be

together so long. The findings were interesting. The couples had

a lot in common. In fact the higher the commonality, the longer the

marriage. So similar socio-economic background, similar education,

similar religion etc. Which makes perfect sense. If you have a master's

degree, grew up in a rich white neighborhood, and make mountains

of money, your marriage to somebody from the hood will probably not

work out.

So all these farangs come to Thailand and marry local girls. They do

not have a SINGLE thing in common. Not religion, not education,

not language, NOTHING. Then later on they wonder why the marriage

did not work out, and the Thai girl just wanted money.....

As you have grown and learned since your were a child, as you have grown and learned to survive in Thailand, so can any Thai woman that you give the chance.

Like a flower than needs water and constant attention to thrive, Thai women of any background can become something if you give have the nuts to be patient, nurture them and give them opportunity.

You cannot have anything in common with a person that grew up with nothing in a foreign country.

Just like a flower cannot grow without water, soil and sunlight.

But you can provide the commonality required for growth.

If your only vision is a Thai woman fetching a bottle of beer for you, no wonder things don't work out.

The real gardeners in life can make anything grow in any kind of soil or conditions.

If you cannot be a gardener and things do not grow, you have no one to blame but yourself.

To understand life and how to grow together, you have to be a gardener.

[bwpage3]

Find a girl your age and one that has an open mind and some appreciation for the fact that you come from a different culture and that there is such a term called "meeting in the middle". There seems to be this perception that all Thais are dead set in their ways but that's not necessarily true.

Sent from my A0001 using Tapatalk

A woman my age is likely to be wrinkly with sagging breasts and maybe a few teeth missing. Why on earth would I want one of those? I might as well be back in my home country, or doing without.

A woman over 35 definitely - for me. Much better

And before you ask, No, I am not perfect, but I'm not considered too bad either

I am 77 and she 27 been together 4 years now get along great. No its not the money as I am not rich but after I snuff it she will get enough for a small house on the land she now owns. She will have enough to survive on till the next lucky gent comes along and thats OK to. Somebody will get a darn nice gal after I am blowing in the win. What worries my is that so many expats now want only the thinnest most beautiful girl around. They seem to be on a mission in this respect. I lucked out really because my g/f met my 3 criteria. No kids, speaks tolerable English and does not work. For the sake of disclosure she was my 3nd attempt at finding somebody compatible but the wait was worth it.

I can understand the no kids, the speaks tolerable English, but the 'does not work" exactly the opposite for me...I want a woman who can support herself...I don't need any extra baggage in my life.

A woman that does not work is extra baggage?

Maybe you need a woman that can help support you in Thailand is the real answer.

[JAFO]

On the issue of commonality, my wife and I shouldn't still be together after 18 years. For us it is more about deep love, strong commitment, and a keen interest in making each other happy.

We have a 20 year age difference but we like doing the same things and only discovered that over time.

I also come from a family where my father was the sole provider so I am not uncomfortable with the idea of taking care of my family.

I need a lover, companion and life partner, not a servant or source of additional income.

In the beginning our communication was all in Thai but now her English is as good as my Thai. My living in Thailand for 20 years before we met made things much easier I suppose.

Each relationship is different and the cross-cultural aspect can make things better or worse and there is no simple formula to follow.

Absolutely VF, every relationship is incredibly different. One thing that always struck me odd was this special "I am married to a Thai woman deal". Having worked in various places in the states and abroad I never felt that I had to meet a certain race of woman, she just had to be the right one. Now that we have been back temporarily living in the states I have frequently heard that I am so "Lucky" to have met a Thai woman. I do not look at it like that at all. I feel lucky I met a nice woman, being Thai has nothing to do with it. She is as you noted my companion and life partner. I have learned things from my wife as she has from me.

There is clearly a vast cross section of men on TVF that came to Thailand for their own reasons. The majority of the ones who got married probably never gave much consideration to the effort, patience and commitment it takes to make a cross cultural relationship work. Its not easy and you couple that with a huge age gap in some cases and you have double the effort. My wife and I are 10 years apart, both educated, no children but regardless of that my wife and I have had our moments in both locations. Its a relationship, It takes work and people are creature of habits and when pushed will always divert back to their personal comfort zone and their cultural beliefs and behaviors. However one thing I truly enjoy in our relationship, its an ever growing/evolving process and that makes it fun. One has to be very open to learning new things.

To your other point, I too never wanted a subservient wife. It would never ever work for me. I mean why marry, Just hire a maid with benefits. I need someone to challenge me and have expectations.

[Thongkorn]

I am In the UK , I know of Three arse holes who have treat Thai women bad, so it works both ways, One even goes to Pattay leaving his Thai wife back in the UK , He will not even buy her Food , she has to walk to work, Through rain blow and snow. while he has a new BMW and a 4x4 sat on the drive. The other is a wife beater , She has now divorced him < the other forgot to tell his Thai wife that he has two other ex wives and five children back in the UK she was expected to look after the children, she has now blown him out for lieing , Not all Thai women are bad.

[JAFO]

I am In the UK , I know of Three arse holes who have treat Thai women bad, so it works both ways, One even goes to Pattay leaving his Thai wife back in the UK , He will not even buy her Food , she has to walk to work, Through rain blow and snow. while he has a new BMW and a 4x4 sat on the drive. The other is a wife beater , She has now divorced him < the other forgot to tell his Thai wife that he has two other ex wives and five children back in the UK she was expected to look after the children, she has now blown him out for lieing , Not all Thai women are bad.

a bit on a tangent from the OP's subject but sadly Thongkorn this happens more than any us of probably know. These women think they are leaving it all behind to a better life only to find out they went backwards and are treated poorly. There seems to be this stigma that Asian women will endure abuse, do whatever the mans says and some how like it. That is so far from the truth. They resent it but feel trapped. No body wants to treated poorly. its a conditioning thing. However some may be just trading locations of abuse for what they perceive to be a better life. The end results is usually not very good. I can only imagine how many foreigners moved to Thailand with that plan firmly entrenched in their agenda that believed in the stigma, thought they would find this subservient wife, do whatever they want, drink and come home and abuse their spouse. Sad state of affairs.

But it takes 2, we all have choices.

I too have known a few men that think and behave that way here in the states. They treat their Asian wives ( 1 Vietnamese and 1 Japanese) terribly and with little to no respect. They are not my friends but have heard their jokingly laughing discussions about it. In fact I have read numerous posts on this page about some who say never bring your wife to the states, she will learn quickly and steal your money, cheat on you, etc etc. If that is the case then those individuals are extremely insecure and probably the odd duck in society anyway. To bad the gals trust them so quickly.

[MaeJoMTB]

she has to walk to work, Through rain blow and snow. while he has a new BMW and a 4x4 sat on the drive.

In the UK you need a driving licence to use the car.

Doesn't matter how many cars are in the drive, no licence and you can't use them.

And a conviction for a Thai lady seeking citizenship would probably result in deportation.

[maxme]

 

&nbsp;

A study was done in America a number of years ago. They interviewed

and studied people who had been married for 50 years or more.

The general concept was that most marriages only last a few

years, so what was it about these couples that allowed them to be

together so long. The findings were interesting. The couples had

a lot in common. In fact the higher the commonality, the longer the

marriage. So similar socio-economic background, similar education,

similar religion etc. Which makes perfect sense. If you have a master's

degree, grew up in a rich white neighborhood, and make mountains

of money, your marriage to somebody from the hood will probably not

work out.

So all these farangs come to Thailand and marry local girls. They do

not have a SINGLE thing in common. Not religion, not education,

not language, NOTHING. Then later on they wonder why the marriage

did not work out, and the Thai girl just wanted money.....

&nbsp;

I agree to a certain extent but I can see from your poorly angled aspect that you hang in the same circles as the group of men you cast aspersions on. Either you have no clue to how find educated people in Thailand or just too damn lazy to try. Either way, there is a fallacy in your logic as you clearly base it on your own limited experience. I guess it is as they say, the truth is in the eye of the beholder.

I casted aspersions upon no one, I simply brought up a study in which couples

were married a long time ,and what were the factors that played a part. If you took

offense to that , it must have struck a bit close to home. Unless you are a part

of the seemingly overwhelming majority of men who post on TV that married

a hi-so Chinese Thai girl who parents are wealthy and powerful, who has

relatives who are high ranking policemen, and who said sin sod was not needed

upon your marriage. Then I guess you would have the financial part covered,

but no other cultural factors. Do you speak perfect Thai ? Are you a Buddhist ?

Do you send money to your aging parents ??

 

Well, as I said in the eye of the beholder. It´s about the circles you hang out in as well.

Not Sino-Thai, but from the south, dentist, well educated and well travelled and though she speaks English fluently and I speak good enough Thai to manage myself, of course there are cultural differences that we have to work through. And I didn´t need to pay sin sod either.

Does that shatter your belief or do you need verifiable proof to see that there are individuals in Thailand with their own mindset that set their own goals instead of following the main stream?

[jacky54]

call me cynical but I suggest, here in Thailand, its all about money(usually farang money coincidentally)

Not when there's a 50 year age gap apparently I'd be embarrassed to be seen in public with a partner young enough to be my granddaughter.

[arthurwait]

TLDR.

[villagefarang]

Sorry it was too long for you but everyone else seemed to be able to read it. I really appreciate all the comments, even those which I may not necessarily agree with completely. I was just trying to elevate the level of conversation beyond that of schoolyard bullying and I am happy with the results. Thanks to everyone for contributing.

[Stradavarius37]

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

[villagefarang]

I really enjoyed rereading this topic today. The comments of others are always so enlightening. I didn't fall asleep even once.

[tubby johnson]

Yawn

[villagefarang]

Thought provoking.

[JLCrab]

(Cannot quote to Post #1) In general men seem rather clueless about women ...

However you are maybe an exception to the general case?

I see about 30 persons Liked your post #1 -- maybe they are all exceptions to the general case as well.

Edited April 17, 2016 by JLCrab

[BritManToo]

A study was done in America a number of years ago. They interviewed

and studied people who had been married for 50 years or more.

The general concept was that most marriages only last a few

years, so what was it about these couples that allowed them to be

together so long. The findings were interesting. The couples had

a lot in common. In fact the higher the commonality, the longer the

marriage. So similar socio-economic background, similar education,

similar religion etc. Which makes perfect sense. If you have a master's

degree, grew up in a rich white neighborhood, and make mountains

of money, your marriage to somebody from the hood will probably not

work out.

So all these farangs come to Thailand and marry local girls. They do

not have a SINGLE thing in common. Not religion, not education,

not language, NOTHING. Then later on they wonder why the marriage

did not work out, and the Thai girl just wanted money.....

I don't agree.

Most of the foreign men I meet in Thailand have almost no education (left school as soon as they were allowed) and are the lowest class of men in the western world with almost no religious beliefs. Perfect partners for Issan farm girls.

Edited April 17, 2016 by BritManToo

[AZBill]

It's the messed up western marriages and relationships which usually cause the guy to get fed up and look elsewhere. One could just as easily write about the gold digging, angry, heartless and self centered shrews comprising western womanhood. Look anywhere in your own country and you will see some pretty dysfunctional stuff between the sexes. As you say there are many like my wife and I who are in the middle of the extremes, as most of us are (that's why they're called extremes) and we are quite happy and have been so for a decade. For those that aren't, well someone has to make up the extremes or sites like this would be pretty boring!

[BritManToo]

It's the messed up western marriages and relationships which usually cause the guy to get fed up and look elsewhere. One could just as easily write about the gold digging, angry, heartless and self centered shrews comprising western womanhood. Look anywhere in your own country and you will see some pretty dysfunctional stuff between the sexes. As you say there are many like my wife and I who are in the middle of the extremes, as most of us are (that's why they're called extremes) and we are quite happy and have been so for a decade. For those that aren't, well someone has to make up the extremes or sites like this would be pretty boring!

During a long marriage people tend to drift from the happy and content extreme, to the hate and loathing extreme.

If you're lucky, one of you dies before you hit the endstop.

[villagefarang]

My parents made it nearly 68 years, so my experience has been different from yours. Death was the only thing which could separate them. I expect the same will be true with my marriage.

[BritManToo]

My parents made it nearly 68 years, so my experience has been different from yours. Death was the only thing which could separate them. I expect the same will be true with my marriage.

Same for my parents but, that was then, and it's different now.

When I was at school in the UK (1960s-1970s) I didn't know any kids with divorced parents.

When I was at school in the UK (2000-2010) single parent families were the norm.

The experiences of a 60+ British adult bear no resemblance to the experiences of a 20+ British adult.

As your sig says '40 years in Thailand', you are totally out of touch with the cultures and the reality of the modern western world and it's countries.

The Britain (and the world) you and I grew up in is gone.

The experiences You and I had in the UK are not the experiences families in the UK have now.

Edited April 17, 2016 by BritManToo

[villagefarang]

I seldom agree with anything you write but you are correct that I know nothing of the UK, having never visited. I don’t claim any insights into modern relationships in the US, either, but I do know about life in Thailand both single and married life.

In my youth I noticed that not being from a broken home was a bit unusual but it made me realize one doesn't need to be representative of the norm or follow the herd.

[55Jay]

I seldom agree with anything you write but you are correct that I know nothing of the UK, having never visited. I don’t claim any insights into modern relationships in the US, either, but I do know about life in Thailand both single and married life.

In my youth I noticed that not being from a broken home was a bit unusual but it made me realize one doesn't need to be representative of the norm or follow the herd.

Threads like these are repetitive and predictable.

I'm prone to withdrawing, selfishness in a similar pattern, so it's hard slog to read through all this shit......... because it touches a nerve. I see myself in some of the comments and sometimes do not like what I see.

The upshot, at least for me, is realizing I'm not too far down the miserable old cow lane because I'm still capable of reflection, critical self-analysis, realizing again how we affect each other. Exacerbated in part, by the additional dynamics in a cross-cultural marriage.

But realizing you've been a turd is only half of it. What you do with that stark realization is the harder bit.

Wife came up and plopped down on the sofa a little while ago and it just happened, because I let go and let it happen, slowly letting out some of the consternation and resentment brewing in me about our somewhat stagnating period of life here - of which is through my own design now turning to apathy. It was hard, but after a while, it flowed naturally into refreshed, hopeful ideas about the future, like we used to do. The feeling of relief between us afterward was palpable, and refreshing as a summer thundershower. We kissed and hugged each other, jesus, we were thinking the same things all along and once again, it was mostly me in the way.

It's easy to become stuck, cynical, hardened refusal of the things that make us human in a cruel world. They key is not letting it build up, and that takes a consistent effort, and that's where I often screw up along the way. Of course this is true in any relationship, but for my part, I need to be more mindful.

The flowers were still there, just had to pull a few weeds out to allow them to bloom again.

So thanks, Dr. Phil. LOL. Cheers.

[villagefarang]

I seldom agree with anything you write but you are correct that I know nothing of the UK, having never visited. I don’t claim any insights into modern relationships in the US, either, but I do know about life in Thailand both single and married life.

In my youth I noticed that not being from a broken home was a bit unusual but it made me realize one doesn't need to be representative of the norm or follow the herd.

Threads like these are repetitive and predictable.

I'm prone to withdrawing, selfishness in a similar pattern, so it's hard slog to read through all this shit......... because it touches a nerve. I see myself in some of the comments and sometimes do not like what I see.

The upshot, at least for me, is realizing I'm not too far down the miserable old cow lane because I'm still capable of reflection, critical self-analysis, realizing again how we affect each other. Exacerbated in part, by the additional dynamics in a cross-cultural marriage.

But realizing you've been a turd is only half of it. What you do with that stark realization is the harder bit.

Wife came up and plopped down on the sofa a little while ago and it just happened, because I let go and let it happen, slowly letting out some of the consternation and resentment brewing in me about our somewhat stagnating period of life here - of which is through my own design now turning to apathy. It was hard, but after a while, it flowed naturally into refreshed, hopeful ideas about the future, like we used to do. The feeling of relief between us afterward was palpable, and refreshing as a summer thundershower. We kissed and hugged each other, jesus, we were thinking the same things all along and once again, it was mostly me in the way.

It's easy to become stuck, cynical, hardened refusal of the things that make us human in a cruel world. They key is not letting it build up, and that takes a consistent effort, and that's where I often screw up along the way. Of course this is true in any relationship, but for my part, I need to be more mindful.

The flowers were still there, just had to pull a few weeds out to allow them to bloom again.

So thanks, Dr. Phil. LOL. Cheers.

I found your reply very interesting. Thanks for sharing.

[55Jay]

I seldom agree with anything you write but you are correct that I know nothing of the UK, having never visited. I don’t claim any insights into modern relationships in the US, either, but I do know about life in Thailand both single and married life.

In my youth I noticed that not being from a broken home was a bit unusual but it made me realize one doesn't need to be representative of the norm or follow the herd.

Threads like these are repetitive and predictable.

I'm prone to withdrawing, selfishness in a similar pattern, so it's hard slog to read through all this shit......... because it touches a nerve. I see myself in some of the comments and sometimes do not like what I see.

The upshot, at least for me, is realizing I'm not too far down the miserable old cow lane because I'm still capable of reflection, critical self-analysis, realizing again how we affect each other. Exacerbated in part, by the additional dynamics in a cross-cultural marriage.

But realizing you've been a turd is only half of it. What you do with that stark realization is the harder bit.

Wife came up and plopped down on the sofa a little while ago and it just happened, because I let go and let it happen, slowly letting out some of the consternation and resentment brewing in me about our somewhat stagnating period of life here - of which is through my own design now turning to apathy. It was hard, but after a while, it flowed naturally into refreshed, hopeful ideas about the future, like we used to do. The feeling of relief between us afterward was palpable, and refreshing as a summer thundershower. We kissed and hugged each other, jesus, we were thinking the same things all along and once again, it was mostly me in the way.

It's easy to become stuck, cynical, hardened refusal of the things that make us human in a cruel world. They key is not letting it build up, and that takes a consistent effort, and that's where I often screw up along the way. Of course this is true in any relationship, but for my part, I need to be more mindful.

The flowers were still there, just had to pull a few weeds out to allow them to bloom again.

So thanks, Dr. Phil. LOL. Cheers.

I found your reply very interesting. Thanks for sharing.

Contrary to on-line persona, I stump up a decent one now and again. Usually on Monday.

[BookMan]

A study was done in America a number of years ago. They interviewed

and studied people who had been married for 50 years or more.

The general concept was that most marriages only last a few

years, so what was it about these couples that allowed them to be

together so long. The findings were interesting. The couples had

a lot in common. In fact the higher the commonality, the longer the

marriage. So similar socio-economic background, similar education,

similar religion etc. Which makes perfect sense. If you have a master's

degree, grew up in a rich white neighborhood, and make mountains

of money, your marriage to somebody from the hood will probably not

work out.

So all these farangs come to Thailand and marry local girls. They do

not have a SINGLE thing in common. Not religion, not education,

not language, NOTHING. Then later on they wonder why the marriage

did not work out, and the Thai girl just wanted money.....

I don't agree.

Most of the foreign men I meet in Thailand have almost no education (left school as soon as they were allowed) and are the lowest class of men in the western world with almost no religious beliefs. Perfect partners for Issan farm girls.

Where are you meeting these people?

I don't really go for any type of mass generalization but the point about education is a good one. It is often spouted here that when West meets Issan there is nothing common.

If you look at the Education, work history, alcohol/substance intake...the things in common get a lot closer

[piersbeckett]

Find a girl your age and one that has an open mind and some appreciation for the fact that you come from a different culture and that there is such a term called "meeting in the middle". There seems to be this perception that all Thais are dead set in their ways but that's not necessarily true.

Sent from my A0001 using Tapatalk

I think that is dependent largely on the age one is and 'meeting in the middle' is a lovely concept but in Thailand I think that a sixty year old European man looking for a Thai woman partner of the same age with an open mind who's willing to meet him in the middle can be likened only to his looking for a needle in a haystack.

Edited April 20, 2016 by piersbeckett

[kannot]

beats me why my Wife stays with me sometimes

[JLCrab]

beats me why my Wife stays with me sometimes

She needs someone to guard the pineapples while she is away.