Cross-Cultural Relationships

[thaiduncankk]

In my opinion, the problem is the language. A relationship between two people needs communication and understanding each other. If you can't speak proper Thai and she can't speak proper English, do you think both parties are able to portray their exact thoughts and opinions in a serious discussion/argument? I doubt it.

If I wasn't fluent in Thai, my relationship with my girlfriend wouldn't have lasted very long. It's not because we love each other for the wrong reasons, but because in a fight, we're able to speak up and express ourselves exactly how we want to. If we were both speaking a language we weren't fluent in, we wouldn't be able to express ourselves, we wouldn't understand each other, and so we'll just say "If we can't understand each other, don't know what's wrong, then how can this relationship go on?".

It's not only with your partner, but the partner's family. My girlfriend's family speaks absolutely no English at all, if I was a farang who couldn't speak any Thai, I know my time with them wouldn't have lasted at all. The family was able to see and understand what kind of man the daughter is dating, and they quickly, welcomed me as one of their own, they started calling me their son within two months. And before you say it's because of my money, they're a hi-so affluent Thai-chinese family, I come from a family of poor farmers and soldiers, so no, it's not because of that.

Would my situation been different if I wasn't able to speak Thai. I strongly believe so. Perhaps the family wouldn't even have welcomed a farang in the first place, as these kinds of families are known for only wanting someone within their caste, maybe the Thai soap operas helped me because just like the actors, I'm a lukklueng .

But like you said, everyone's situation is different (right?).

I am in total agreement on the language issue and its effect on communication but I dont see anyone being able to change the minds of those dont or wont speak Thai.

Pretty hard to change my mind as we have been happily together for 9 years. Respect and willingness to accept the others ways make a world of difference. We don't have to have long meaningful emotion filled talks to honestly care for the other. I could have left years ago and she would not have been surprised. It took me about 3 years to convince her I was the real deal and wasn't going to leave her. I interact with her kids and grand kids fine. Her daughter is getting better and better at English and the granddaughters are learning English. Not that I have a lot to do with them. But if I need a ride any where they are right there to take me.

Part of it is a willingness to drop my way of thinking. She just excepts my ways as weird but she did like a trip Back to America with me.

'Her daughter is getting better and better at English and the granddaughters are learning English. Not that I have a lot to do with them.'

Strange comment. Were they not part of the package ?

I am sure you could spend a bit of time helping them learn, it gave me great satisfaction.

Ready to accept lifts everywhere, but can't give a little help with their education ?

[Gracas]

I always likened it to playing the rules of different games.

In the west we are taught to play chess, with all the rules and moves and expectancies etc. In Asia they play checkers, different game, different approach and different rules.

You can never play checkers whilst applying the rules of chess, it just gets "messy" and totally confusing. A huge learning curve whilst you learn each others "moves" in a given situation.

Not saying either one is right nor wrong, just different to what you know and come to expect.

I do something similar but use a sports analogy. The rules for soccer or American football are different and it doesnt do much good to argue that we play the game differently if you are playing the other guys game, not yours. You play by the rules of the game you are playing and by stepping onto the field you are committed and it is too late to argue about what the rules are or should be.

I think you will find, in these sporting circles, a very, very small minority actually change codes during their career.

Why ? Because they stick with what they know about, and what they were brought up on, because it will offer them a more normal life.

Should one change codes, you can guarantee 100% it will be motivated by just one thing...........Money.

I was never very good at sport so changing "codes" would not make much difference.

I am though happy with my Thai wife, maybe I found a code that suits me.

[elgordo38]

Find a girl your age and one that has an open mind and some appreciation for the fact that you come from a different culture and that there is such a term called "meeting in the middle". There seems to be this perception that all Thais are dead set in their ways but that's not necessarily true.

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A woman my age is likely to be wrinkly with sagging breasts and maybe a few teeth missing. Why on earth would I want one of those? I might as well be back in my home country, or doing without.

A woman over 35 definitely - for me. Much better

And before you ask, No, I am not perfect, but I'm not considered too bad either

I am 77 and she 27 been together 4 years now get along great. No its not the money as I am not rich but after I snuff it she will get enough for a small house on the land she now owns. She will have enough to survive on till the next lucky gent comes along and thats OK to. Somebody will get a darn nice gal after I am blowing in the win. What worries my is that so many expats now want only the thinnest most beautiful girl around. They seem to be on a mission in this respect. I lucked out really because my g/f met my 3 criteria. No kids, speaks tolerable English and does not work. For the sake of disclosure she was my 3nd attempt at finding somebody compatible but the wait was worth it.

[tonray]

Find a girl your age and one that has an open mind and some appreciation for the fact that you come from a different culture and that there is such a term called "meeting in the middle". There seems to be this perception that all Thais are dead set in their ways but that's not necessarily true.

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A woman my age is likely to be wrinkly with sagging breasts and maybe a few teeth missing. Why on earth would I want one of those? I might as well be back in my home country, or doing without.

A woman over 35 definitely - for me. Much better

And before you ask, No, I am not perfect, but I'm not considered too bad either

I am 77 and she 27 been together 4 years now get along great. No its not the money as I am not rich but after I snuff it she will get enough for a small house on the land she now owns. She will have enough to survive on till the next lucky gent comes along and thats OK to. Somebody will get a darn nice gal after I am blowing in the win. What worries my is that so many expats now want only the thinnest most beautiful girl around. They seem to be on a mission in this respect. I lucked out really because my g/f met my 3 criteria. No kids, speaks tolerable English and does not work. For the sake of disclosure she was my 3nd attempt at finding somebody compatible but the wait was worth it.

I can understand the no kids, the speaks tolerable English, but the 'does not work" exactly the opposite for me...I want a woman who can support herself...I don't need any extra baggage in my life.

[NoshowJones]

Find a girl your age and one that has an open mind and some appreciation for the fact that you come from a different culture and that there is such a term called "meeting in the middle". There seems to be this perception that all Thais are dead set in their ways but that's not necessarily true.

Sent from my A0001 using Tapatalk

A woman my age is likely to be wrinkly with sagging breasts and maybe a few teeth missing. Why on earth would I want one of those? I might as well be back in my home country, or doing without.

A woman over 35 definitely - for me. Much better

And before you ask, No, I am not perfect, but I'm not considered too bad either

I am 77 and she 27 been together 4 years now get along great. No its not the money as I am not rich but after I snuff it she will get enough for a small house on the land she now owns. She will have enough to survive on till the next lucky gent comes along and thats OK to. Somebody will get a darn nice gal after I am blowing in the win. What worries my is that so many expats now want only the thinnest most beautiful girl around. They seem to be on a mission in this respect. I lucked out really because my g/f met my 3 criteria. No kids, speaks tolerable English and does not work. For the sake of disclosure she was my 3nd attempt at finding somebody compatible but the wait was worth it.

"No, it's not the money", if it is not the money, and she is not working, who is paying her living expenses?

She is only with you for the financial security, but I think you know that, but if it suits you both, then that's all that matters.

[Kaalle]

Find a girl your age and one that has an open mind and some appreciation for the fact that you come from a different culture and that there is such a term called "meeting in the middle". There seems to be this perception that all Thais are dead set in their ways but that's not necessarily true.

Sent from my A0001 using Tapatalk

A woman my age is likely to be wrinkly with sagging breasts and maybe a few teeth missing. Why on earth would I want one of those? I might as well be back in my home country, or doing without.

A woman over 35 definitely - for me. Much better

And before you ask, No, I am not perfect, but I'm not considered too bad either

I am 77 and she 27 been together 4 years now get along great. No its not the money as I am not rich but after I snuff it she will get enough for a small house on the land she now owns. She will have enough to survive on till the next lucky gent comes along and thats OK to. Somebody will get a darn nice gal after I am blowing in the win. What worries my is that so many expats now want only the thinnest most beautiful girl around. They seem to be on a mission in this respect. I lucked out really because my g/f met my 3 criteria. No kids, speaks tolerable English and does not work. For the sake of disclosure she was my 3nd attempt at finding somebody compatible but the wait was worth it.

"No, it's not the money", if it is not the money, and she is not working, who is paying her living expenses?

She is only with you for the financial security, but I think you know that, but if it suits you both, then that's all that matters.

Let him keep living in a dream in the twilight years

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[chilli42]

I wonder if we don't all overthink this topic? It's not like relationships and marriage are a slam dunk success in our countries. I have observed two things that are consistent: if one party in a relationship brings way more to the party than the other (money, looks, youth, humor, etc) the realationshi is doomed, no amount of money will keep a woman loyal to her husband if the first point is out of kilter.

[MaeJoMTB]

I wonder if we don't all overthink this topic? It's not like relationships and marriage are a slam dunk success in our countries. I have observed two things that are consistent: if one party in a relationship brings way more to the party than the other (money, looks, youth, humor, etc) the realationshi is doomed, no amount of money will keep a woman loyal to her husband if the first point is out of kilter.

Where does loyalty come into it?

You want loyal, buy a dog.

[SOTIRIOS]

......oh God....

[1FinickyOne]

Expansive subject - basically, for me, a cross cultural relationship is much more interesting - so much more to learn.

I think Aristotle said something like: Love is the desire to see another flourish.

I don't think relationships start that way, but irregardless of culture, they can grow into that.

I did not speak much Thai when i met my wife to be, but I enjoyed the learning. I like her family and her values though i often see them mocked by some here. I like Thai culture and so I have no problem living amongst Thai people. I know some people on this forum rate things too much by money, dividing out the cost of a house by the number of soapies they could have gotten. Though they speak no Thai, hateful of family that don't talk to them.

I built a nice house for my wife 10 years ago with the full understanding that it was a gift to her. If she wants me to leave, i will and not feel the house was a loss but a gift to someone whose values I respect. For my wife it is very important as the oldest to take care of her parents and sisters. Some people here see this as a bad trait, I think it represents a person with good values. There are no lists of who is more important to her - if someone in the family has a problem, everyone helps out. Me too.

But mostly, I would say I really enjoy Thai culture and am thankful for the opportunity to live so closely and learn so much. Not enough time to go into all that I have learned but I feel much better for it.

[willyumiii]

Find a girl your age and one that has an open mind and some appreciation for the fact that you come from a different culture and that there is such a term called "meeting in the middle". There seems to be this perception that all Thais are dead set in their ways but that's not necessarily true.

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A girl my age...come on now...let's be serious !

Women my age are not girls.

They are old hags!

No thank you!

Any woman my age is way too old for me!

[Anon999]

In my opinion, the problem is the language. A relationship between two people needs communication and understanding each other. If you can't speak proper Thai and she can't speak proper English, do you think both parties are able to portray their exact thoughts and opinions in a serious discussion/argument? I doubt it.

If I wasn't fluent in Thai, my relationship with my girlfriend wouldn't have lasted very long. It's not because we love each other for the wrong reasons, but because in a fight, we're able to speak up and express ourselves exactly how we want to. If we were both speaking a language we weren't fluent in, we wouldn't be able to express ourselves, we wouldn't understand each other, and so we'll just say "If we can't understand each other, don't know what's wrong, then how can this relationship go on?".

It's not only with your partner, but the partner's family. My girlfriend's family speaks absolutely no English at all, if I was a farang who couldn't speak any Thai, I know my time with them wouldn't have lasted at all. The family was able to see and understand what kind of man the daughter is dating, and they quickly, welcomed me as one of their own, they started calling me their son within two months. And before you say it's because of my money, they're a hi-so affluent Thai-chinese family, I come from a family of poor farmers and soldiers, so no, it's not because of that.

Would my situation been different if I wasn't able to speak Thai. I strongly believe so. Perhaps the family wouldn't even have welcomed a farang in the first place, as these kinds of families are known for only wanting someone within their caste, maybe the Thai soap operas helped me because just like the actors, I'm a lukklueng .

But like you said, everyone's situation is different (right?).

I am in total agreement on the language issue and its effect on communication but I don’t see anyone being able to change the minds of those don’t or won’t speak Thai.

All very well but you completely forgot to mention that many expats/farangs are unable to hear the tones in the Thai language. Consequently even simple words that sound correct to us when pronounced are indecipherable to the Thai audience. Therefore any attempt to 'learn' the language is out of the question. However, being selective with your choice of girlfriends does help considerably as the well educated invariably have some grasp of English and understand that they will need to be the one who will be interpreting. Not had a problem with any of my Thai girlfriends or wife.

[villagefarang]

In my opinion, the problem is the language. A relationship between two people needs communication and understanding each other. If you can't speak proper Thai and she can't speak proper English, do you think both parties are able to portray their exact thoughts and opinions in a serious discussion/argument? I doubt it.

If I wasn't fluent in Thai, my relationship with my girlfriend wouldn't have lasted very long. It's not because we love each other for the wrong reasons, but because in a fight, we're able to speak up and express ourselves exactly how we want to. If we were both speaking a language we weren't fluent in, we wouldn't be able to express ourselves, we wouldn't understand each other, and so we'll just say "If we can't understand each other, don't know what's wrong, then how can this relationship go on?".

It's not only with your partner, but the partner's family. My girlfriend's family speaks absolutely no English at all, if I was a farang who couldn't speak any Thai, I know my time with them wouldn't have lasted at all. The family was able to see and understand what kind of man the daughter is dating, and they quickly, welcomed me as one of their own, they started calling me their son within two months. And before you say it's because of my money, they're a hi-so affluent Thai-chinese family, I come from a family of poor farmers and soldiers, so no, it's not because of that.

Would my situation been different if I wasn't able to speak Thai. I strongly believe so. Perhaps the family wouldn't even have welcomed a farang in the first place, as these kinds of families are known for only wanting someone within their caste, maybe the Thai soap operas helped me because just like the actors, I'm a lukklueng .

But like you said, everyone's situation is different (right?).

I am in total agreement on the language issue and its effect on communication but I don’t see anyone being able to change the minds of those don’t or won’t speak Thai.

All very well but you completely forgot to mention that many expats/farangs are unable to hear the tones in the Thai language. Consequently even simple words that sound correct to us when pronounced are indecipherable to the Thai audience. Therefore any attempt to 'learn' the language is out of the question. However, being selective with your choice of girlfriends does help considerably as the well educated invariably have some grasp of English and understand that they will need to be the one who will be interpreting. Not had a problem with any of my Thai girlfriends or wife.

I haven’t met many people who speak in a total monotone so most do hear and use tones but in a different context and don’t seem to be able to apply that ability to a new language.

As long as we are pointing out things I forgot to mention, it should be noted that many native speakers seem to have a limited ability to communicate in their own language. Many seem limited to mumbling, cursing, shouting or monosyllabic phrases and probably wouldn’t do much better in a foreign language. I am sure I have forgotten to mention other possibilities but that is what forget means I guess.

[Kaalle]

Find a girl your age and one that has an open mind and some appreciation for the fact that you come from a different culture and that there is such a term called "meeting in the middle". There seems to be this perception that all Thais are dead set in their ways but that's not necessarily true.

Sent from my A0001 using Tapatalk

A girl my age...come on now...let's be serious !

Women my age are not girls.

They are old hags!

No thank you!

Any woman my age is way too old for me!

So get ready to spend some money old man.[emoji4]

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[JAFO]

I think we tend to over analyze relationships. Not disagreeing with the in depth post by VF but you either met the right person or you didn't. In my life I have found the happiest couples are the ones that never dive into any of it too deep and surely do not care what others think. If you are in a relationship looking for acceptance from others than you missed the boat long ago.

[Gringogazzer]

Be a decent man & find a decent woman & you'll love each other for it.

If you want another arrangement...well that's up to you.

[eldragon]

My gik cleaned the house and took care of the laundry before she serviced me last night. Seems pretty domesticated to me.

[Gringogazzer]

My gik cleaned the house and took care of the laundry before she serviced me last night. Seems pretty domesticated to me.

You mean she was looking for loose change... Edited January 19, 2016 by Gringogazzer

[bbbbooboo]

call me cynical but I suggest, here in Thailand, its all about money(usually farang money coincidentally)

[geronimo]

In my opinion, the problem is the language. A relationship between two people needs communication and understanding each other. If you can't speak proper Thai and she can't speak proper English, do you think both parties are able to portray their exact thoughts and opinions in a serious discussion/argument? I doubt it.

And there was me thinking a relationship was one person having money, and the other person wanting some of it.

They are the ones that don't last.

[mydee]

call me cynical but I suggest, here in Thailand, its all about money(usually farang money coincidentally)

Good cynical like accounts, cynics know the price of everything and the value of nothing

[EyesWideOpen]

A study was done in America a number of years ago. They interviewed

and studied people who had been married for 50 years or more.

The general concept was that most marriages only last a few

years, so what was it about these couples that allowed them to be

together so long. The findings were interesting. The couples had

a lot in common. In fact the higher the commonality, the longer the

marriage. So similar socio-economic background, similar education,

similar religion etc. Which makes perfect sense. If you have a master's

degree, grew up in a rich white neighborhood, and make mountains

of money, your marriage to somebody from the hood will probably not

work out.

So all these farangs come to Thailand and marry local girls. They do

not have a SINGLE thing in common. Not religion, not education,

not language, NOTHING. Then later on they wonder why the marriage

did not work out, and the Thai girl just wanted money.....

[maxme]

 

A study was done in America a number of years ago. They interviewed

and studied people who had been married for 50 years or more.

The general concept was that most marriages only last a few

years, so what was it about these couples that allowed them to be

together so long. The findings were interesting. The couples had

a lot in common. In fact the higher the commonality, the longer the

marriage. So similar socio-economic background, similar education,

similar religion etc. Which makes perfect sense. If you have a master's

degree, grew up in a rich white neighborhood, and make mountains

of money, your marriage to somebody from the hood will probably not

work out.

So all these farangs come to Thailand and marry local girls. They do

not have a SINGLE thing in common. Not religion, not education,

not language, NOTHING. Then later on they wonder why the marriage

did not work out, and the Thai girl just wanted money.....

 

I agree to a certain extent but I can see from your poorly angled aspect that you hang in the same circles as the group of men you cast aspersions on. Either you have no clue to how find educated people in Thailand or just too damn lazy to try. Either way, there is a fallacy in your logic as you clearly base it on your own limited experience. I guess it is as they say, the truth is in the eye of the beholder.

[Blackheart]

Well my wife speaks English, I have been Buddhist since I was very young, we have a three year age gap.

Makes no difference, if she wants money she came to the wrong man, I have stuff all right now.

[Dancealot]

here endeth chapter one

This is more like chapter 2 for 2016.

Pretty good, villagefarang. I'm awaiting chapter 3.

[MaeJoMTB]

So all these farangs come to Thailand and marry local girls. They do

not have a SINGLE thing in common. Not religion, not education,

not language, NOTHING. Then later on they wonder why the marriage

did not work out, and the Thai girl just wanted money.....

I would suggest most foreigners in Thailand have mainly little or no education, no skills, and are generally the dregs of western society.

In which case they have a lot in common with the 'Issan farm girls' they marry.

As for my marriage,

My parents bricklayer and hairdresser, her parents farmers.

My education to post grad, her education ..... junior school when we met, she was very young .... but now finished high school, started university.

Once she's finished our educational levels will be the same.

Edited January 21, 2016 by MaeJoMTB

[thaiduncankk]

So all these farangs come to Thailand and marry local girls. They do

not have a SINGLE thing in common. Not religion, not education,

not language, NOTHING. Then later on they wonder why the marriage

did not work out, and the Thai girl just wanted money.....

I would suggest most foreigners in Thailand have no education, no skills, and are generally the dregs of western society.

In which case they have a lot in common with the 'Issan farm girls' they marry.

I have an education, skills and from the West, but I learnt years ago. I am happily single.

The best education in life is..............life.

[fletchsmile]

For me it's definitely been harder work and more complicated in a cross-cultural relationship with a Thai partner. That said, it's also been the most rewarding partnership I've ever had.

Having kids (for me at least) adds a whole new dimension to the complexities of cross-cultural relationships. It helps focus me and my wife's priorities, but working out the best options for kids in life, and trying to optimise their happiness now and prepare them for the future, is no easy task.

Cheers

Fletch

[villagefarang]

On the issue of commonality, my wife and I shouldn't still be together after 18 years. For us it is more about deep love, strong commitment, and a keen interest in making each other happy.

We have a 20 year age difference but we like doing the same things and only discovered that over time.

I also come from a family where my father was the sole provider so I am not uncomfortable with the idea of taking care of my family.

I need a lover, companion and life partner, not a servant or source of additional income.

In the beginning our communication was all in Thai but now her English is as good as my Thai. My living in Thailand for 20 years before we met made things much easier I suppose.

Each relationship is different and the cross-cultural aspect can make things better or worse and there is no simple formula to follow.

[EyesWideOpen]

 

A study was done in America a number of years ago. They interviewed

and studied people who had been married for 50 years or more.

The general concept was that most marriages only last a few

years, so what was it about these couples that allowed them to be

together so long. The findings were interesting. The couples had

a lot in common. In fact the higher the commonality, the longer the

marriage. So similar socio-economic background, similar education,

similar religion etc. Which makes perfect sense. If you have a master's

degree, grew up in a rich white neighborhood, and make mountains

of money, your marriage to somebody from the hood will probably not

work out.

So all these farangs come to Thailand and marry local girls. They do

not have a SINGLE thing in common. Not religion, not education,

not language, NOTHING. Then later on they wonder why the marriage

did not work out, and the Thai girl just wanted money.....

 

I agree to a certain extent but I can see from your poorly angled aspect that you hang in the same circles as the group of men you cast aspersions on. Either you have no clue to how find educated people in Thailand or just too damn lazy to try. Either way, there is a fallacy in your logic as you clearly base it on your own limited experience. I guess it is as they say, the truth is in the eye of the beholder.

I casted aspersions upon no one, I simply brought up a study in which couples

were married a long time ,and what were the factors that played a part. If you took

offense to that , it must have struck a bit close to home. Unless you are a part

of the seemingly overwhelming majority of men who post on TV that married

a hi-so Chinese Thai girl who parents are wealthy and powerful, who has

relatives who are high ranking policemen, and who said sin sod was not needed

upon your marriage. Then I guess you would have the financial part covered,

but no other cultural factors. Do you speak perfect Thai ? Are you a Buddhist ?

Do you send money to your aging parents ??