She wants kids, I do not

[theguyfromanotherforum]

I got married 2 weeks ago and the subject of children is coming up.

The problem is I really don't want any. The reason for this is pure fear.

Besides the fact that I am scared of , chronic diseases (for example I am not sure how would I be able to cope with simple things such as Asthma), genetic mental disorders, depression, etc, etc.... I am also scared of the future in which this world is heading. Not to mention the whole issue of raising a kid in Thailand and a need for some serious cash for international schools. I also think we are both a bit old to have kids... me being 42 and she 35.

My wife on the other hand, just like your average Thai, is taking everything lightly with nothing worry attitude.

Of course her whole family is expecting us to have children.

I do feel sorry for her regarding these expectations.... and I must admit that when we go on a vacation I think it would be nice to have a little one around.

But I am really, really scared.... and I think I may be a bad parent.

[villagefarang]

Each situation is different. My wife and I married at 45/25 but we had thoroughly discussed the fact that I did not want children so there were no surprises or tears. Sure there will be pressure but mainly it is just talk in my experience.

No one should be forced to have kids but you may want to take a more positive approach and focus on all the amazing things you can do without the burden of children. We have been together for more than 18 years, married for a little over 16 and we are still very happy with no regrets.

Edited February 5, 2016 by villagefarang

[KMartinHandyman]

Bring in a surrogate father,win win. She has a baby and it's not your responsibility.

[theguyfromanotherforum]

Bring in a surrogate father,win win. She has a baby and it's not your responsibility.

Well, thanks for the advice, but under Canadian law I would be 100% responsible.

I know of examples where a guy gets a girlfriend who has underage child from a previous relationship and he is still responsible for that child even though it is not even his.

However, it is not even the issue of money.... just fear.

[steven100]

Are you being a bit paranoia ?..... I mean on the kids getting sick etc ... if they get a cold you take them to the doctor ... same as any parent would do.

You are correct ... there is a cost in having kids, but that's all just part & parcel as they say ....

But, I'm curious ... you married two weeks ago .... and now the kids has come up ....

didn't you know she would want a child before you married ?

wasn't it even mentioned prior to marriage ?

[steven100]

I just thought of something !!

ask her ..... what about one of those baby dolls that everyone is on about

[theguyfromanotherforum]

Are you being a bit paranoia ?..... I mean on the kids getting sick etc ... if they get a cold you take them to the doctor ... same as any parent would do.

You are correct ... there is a cost in having kids, but that's all just part & parcel as they say ....

But, I'm curious ... you married two weeks ago .... and now the kids has come up ....

didn't you know she would want a child before you married ?

wasn't it even mentioned prior to marriage ?

I have gotten something chronic 3 years ago and was surprised about total idiocy from both Canadian and Thai doctors.

Let's just say I do not trust them to treat (my child). Of course, I am not scared of common cold, but thousands of other chronic diseases. Being kind of older does not help my decision. Yes, the topic of kids came up before.

[brewsterbudgen]

Did you tell her your feelings about having kids before you got married? Seems a bit unfair, if you didn't.

[NeverSure]

"...and I must admit that when we go on a vacation I think it would be nice to have a little one around."

You ain't been there, I take it? A vacation for the woman includes getting away from the kids for a while. Unless they are ate least 8 years old and I'm taking them to Disneyland as a treat for the kids, give me a kid-free vacation every time.

Cheers.

[thehelmsman]

You've entertained us before about how little you contribute $$$. That's all about to change. As for being too old, that's nonsense. Send the kid to a local village school, free gov.hospital, no problem.

[mcfish]

You should have talked it out before marriage. Kids are the logical next step.. It's not fair to her what you are doing

Sent from my SC-01D using Tapatalk

[sipi]

Go for it, it will be the best thing you ever did. We would have a dozen if we could.

[theguyfromanotherforum]

You've entertained us before about how little you contribute $$$. That's all about to change. As for being too old, that's nonsense. Send the kid to a local village school, free gov.hospital, no problem.

No, it is not about to change, ever.

[elgordo38]

Bring in a surrogate father,win win. She has a baby and it's not your responsibility.

Well, thanks for the advice, but under Canadian law I would be 100% responsible.

I know of examples where a guy gets a girlfriend who has underage child from a previous relationship and he is still responsible for that child even though it is not even his.

However, it is not even the issue of money.... just fear.

When it comes to children laws of other lands mean nothing only Thai law. Go and get a vasectomy then you can try twice as hard with no "mistakes" I really think your point of how the future plays out is important. At present the future does not look overly promising. Women want children because they think they will provide for them in their old age. This idea of sending money home is becoming less relevant and by the time your child starts working it could be almost non existent as we seem to be heading for a "its every person for themselves" world. If she has a boy it could be the reverse when he grows up he will come to your door looking for a sucker sorry succor.

[SoiBiker]

Is this not the kind of thing you're supposed to discuss before marriage?

[marioc]

"........... I also think we are both a bit old to have kids... me being 42 and she 35............"

Seriously?????????????

Too old to have kids?????????

Mah......

[SoiBiker]

"........... I also think we are both a bit old to have kids... me being 42 and she 35............"

Seriously?????????????

Too old to have kids?????????

Mah......

OP will likely be one of the younger farang dads at the international school.

[mihalis]

Funny you discussed having children after you got married.., as for your age, more of an excuse.. She wants you don't.. Divorce then.. She will always resent you if doesn't have kids..

[theguyfromanotherforum]

Bring in a surrogate father,win win. She has a baby and it's not your responsibility.

Well, thanks for the advice, but under Canadian law I would be 100% responsible.

I know of examples where a guy gets a girlfriend who has underage child from a previous relationship and he is still responsible for that child even though it is not even his.

However, it is not even the issue of money.... just fear.

When it comes to children laws of other lands mean nothing only Thai law. Go and get a vasectomy then you can try twice as hard with no "mistakes" I really think your point of how the future plays out is important. At present the future does not look overly promising. Women want children because they think they will provide for them in their old age. This idea of sending money home is becoming less relevant and by the time your child starts working it could be almost non existent as we seem to be heading for a "its every person for themselves" world. If she has a boy it could be the reverse when he grows up he will come to your door looking for a sucker sorry succor.

While I appreciate your point of view which is probably correct, it does not really apply here.

My wife works and her parents are completely independent (in a rubber tree province) and are also enjoying a decent pension and benefits.

If anything, our child would have a pretty good life in Thailand as my wife would be the only one who would inherit a large chunk of land due to her other family members not having any children.

I completely disagree about laws of other land meaning nothing. My wife could go to Canadian government (through a lawyer) and demand the same as any other Canadian wife. This, however, is not the issue. I simply fear having children.

[teacherpaul]

You've entertained us before about how little you contribute $$$. That's all about to change. As for being too old, that's nonsense. Send the kid to a local village school, free gov.hospital, no problem.

I agree that being too old is nonsense.

However,my biggest fear would be bringing up a child in Thailand. The education system here would be a complete no-no for me. There is no way i would want my child standing outside in hot weather singing the national anthem in front of the flag, not being taught how to think for him/herself and absorbing a retarded culture.

If you want kids and you care about their future, be prepared to move back home.

[JacChang]

You should have talked it out before marriage. Kids are the logical next step.. It's not fair to her what you are doing

Sent from my SC-01D using Tapatalk

Very very true. Remember, marriage is about two people, neither has the bigger share. Everyone has their own dream about their family, and it includes having a children. Imagine marrying someone, and then to find out that the future life means living separately, no holding hands, no intimacy, etc. So do talk to your wife about it and please have a negotiating heart. Not a firm one. Tell her your exact feelings as to why you are afraid of having kids, and let her have the opportunity to help you. If she really wants to have kids or even just one, and is willing to go through all the trouble and support, as well as guiding you how to be a great father, please let her. You will both overcome this stage in life together, and it will be beautiful hopefully.

[SOTIRIOS]

...it seems like that is one of the most basic points that you would have had sorted out before getting married....

[wombat]

have a vasectomy

[richard_smith237]

Each individual for their own reasons or circumstances have very differing view points on life...

Based on your post my view point is that you are over reacting on all but the financial aspect.

At 42 years old you are not too old. I'm 40, my Son is 2 - I wish I'd had a child earlier, but my Wife and I are only just celebrating our 6th Wedding Anniversary. We have friends who at 46 (he, I'm not sure how old she is, 40 at a guess) are just about to have a child.

Medical - there are great government hospitals around - we have BUPA insurance my Son's Paediatrician works at Bumrungrad.

Schooling - Yes, it will be expensive if you want something half decent. A years old nursery costs 60,000 baht per term (for 3 half days per week) some will say thats too much and I agree... but, its the nearest decent school, walkable which cuts out a lot of BKK traffic.

There are other worries, such as illness etc and as a parent you will never stop worrying, it becomes part of life... BUT one this is for certain, being a parent is amazing, you will never look back in regret. I don't know any parent who has looked back in regret.

And finally - if you don't believe you will be a good parent its either because you are worried and you actually will be an excellent parent, or you just like too much pease and quiet and time on your own. Parenting takes effort...

With regards to your Wife wanting children - you are fighting natural instinct and biology - Good luck.

[Enoon]

When you were boasting about how little you contributed financially you came across as a youngish man who perceived, as many younger men do, that he was winning the "short game".

Men are good at the short game.

You are in the process of discovering how very, very, good women are at the "long game".

[theguyfromanotherforum]

When you were boasting about how little you contributed financially you came across as a youngish man who perceived, as many younger men do, that he was winning the "short game".

Men are good at the short game.

You are in the process of discovering how very, very, good women are at the "long game".

I wasn't "boasting" about my non existent financial contributions. I was also not playing any "games". I was merely respecting myself which my parents taught me to do from the very early age.

This is the problem with many "Expats". The inability to admit defeat and learn from a process because of your ego. So one girl rips you off and you move in with the exact same one. Or marrying a girl 20 years younger because you are a hot stuff. Do we really need to go through this again? Well, you started it.

There is no "process"... there is only life.

I will not be discovering anything about the long "game".... because there is no "game". Just 2 people trying to get through life.

[MyFriend You]

You've entertained us before about how little you contribute $$$. That's all about to change. As for being too old, that's nonsense. Send the kid to a local village school, free gov.hospital, no problem.

I'm 65, partner is 40, been together 20 years, not married, she knew from the start I couldn't have kids, she adopted a boy & girl 2 years ago, now 7 & 8 and we couldn't be happier - they are brother & sister abandoned by mother. Takes care of the 'motherly instinct issues' and I couldn't be happier, two beautiful kids.

What the hell are you afraid of?? Kids & grownups get sick, you just try to mitigate the misery by living healthy. Not having kids for that reason is like never driving a car because you might have an accident.

[lostmebike]

It seems like you and your wife don't really know each other too well. Can I ask, (just as others already have) why didn't you sort this out PRIOR to marriage?

You mention being scared the kid may be born with an ailment, maybe asthma. You could be hit buy a bus crossing the road tomorrow, you know? Does that give you enough reason not to leave the house?

And what's with the gotta send my kids to an international school? My boy attends an EP and is doing just fine.

It does sound like you have rushed into your marriage without really getting to know each other IMO.

[mesterm]

You haven't responded to any of the questions asking you why you didn't discuss this before marriage (or maybe I missed it). I mean, honestly, what were you thinking?

Edited February 5, 2016 by mesterm

[petertucker48]

If you are totally off having children Ever you could consider a vasectomy I had one at 29 and have never regretted it.

Modern medicine/surgery May be able to reverse the operation later but I would not rely on that too much.

Just think long and hard and decide what You want it is Your live.