Should I build a house next door to the inlaws?

[ChrisKC]

Go with your heart but take your brain with you!

For you, maybe yes: depends on many factors, mostly to do with family and extended family relationships now and future.

For me, the answer would be, NO!

[menzies233]

What you should do is move in with your in laws for 6 months, because when you build a home next door it will be practically the same.

Everything that you own will become shared, any food you buy and store will be tasted and probably eaten. All of their household needs will end up being "borrowed" from you on a permanent basis. You will have zero privacy, they will be knocking on your bedroom door at any time of day or night when they want their daughter.

If you have any form of transport it will be their primary mode of transport.

Don't do it, as another poster said, get as far away as possible!

Believe me, I spent about 1 year living with my in laws (and they are really nice people - honestly!) when I started building a home and in that space of time my mother in law was lucky i didn't hack her to death and douse her in petrol just to vent. Now we are in our own place a few miles away we get on better than ever.

[Old Man River]

To the OP, we built our retirement house in Bangkok next to my wife's mother and very close to other family members. During family functions (other than Cheng Meng) we never have far to go. Originally, we looked all over Thailand, but this worked out way better.

[crazykopite]

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND ? WOULD YOU DO IT BACK IN YOUR OWN COUNTRY ? I THINK THE ANSWER IS A NO NO NO !!!!!!!!!

[johnarno]

I knew a farang who built a house (bungalow) on his wifes family land, in Isaan, the house was soon full of her family members and friends in and out all day, that and the smell of their cooking drove him mad so he built another house on land next door, a two story house with a big wall around it. He gave the bungalow to her father but the father would not live in it, preferred to live in his own little wooden shack, the farang ended up letting the family dogs live in the bungalow, stunk it did.

[Siamthomas]

Ahhh this is vintage stuff

I will screen save this for the records and l may even frame it up !

Listern to you heart my families calling for you.... Baby we need you so much xx

[Siamthomas]

No No and NO.... BUILD anywhere but there. They will bleed you dry. I have land with my wife near parents and can build now. No you grow rice there. Its ok i will save a stack

[MJCM]

We built our house in the same village as the family but around 0.5km away on the outskirts of the village. We glad we did, the BIL and his wife and the rest of family are good as gold and never a problem to help or do shopping. And they never intrude, when the gate is closed they don't come knocking (only in emergencies but then they call us) and they never asked us for money.

We are happy with the situation and it's a double win for the wife as she is close to her 80+ year old dad.

However YMMV

Edited May 3, 2016 by MJCM

[Stevemercer]

Like many, I live about 20 km from my Thai wife's family. If you have a choice, you might want to look at living in/near a larger town about this distance. This means you'll have good internet access and a better variety of shops and restaurants. There will also be other farangs around if this makes a difference. You wife will already know many people if it is only 20 minutes away and will quickly make friends anyway.

If you are happy with a more communal style of living, then build a house next to the in-laws. My wife wanted to be a little away from the family because of all the day to day dramas. If you need time alone to recharge your batteries, than you are better off with a little distance.

It also depends on your age. If you are going to start a family, then the in-laws will be invaluable in looking after your kids.

My best advice is to simply ask your wife. You will have to do this in several different ways, and over a few weeks, to get an understanding of her true wishes. Otherwise she, in typical Thai form, will just tell you what she thinks you want to hear or say 'up to you'. Ask about her childhood and brothers and sisters. Many Thais from a big family have deep rooted anxieties because they believe their Mum never really loved them, their father died early (and they never had a strong male role model) or they think their family just needs money from them.

[jeab1980]

What you should do is move in with your in laws for 6 months, because when you build a home next door it will be practically the same.

Everything that you own will become shared, any food you buy and store will be tasted and probably eaten. All of their household needs will end up being "borrowed" from you on a permanent basis. You will have zero privacy, they will be knocking on your bedroom door at any time of day or night when they want their daughter.

If you have any form of transport it will be their primary mode of transport.

Don't do it, as another poster said, get as far away as possible!

Believe me, I spent about 1 year living with my in laws (and they are really nice people - honestly!) when I started building a home and in that space of time my mother in law was lucky i didn't hack her to death and douse her in petrol just to vent. Now we are in our own place a few miles away we get on better than ever.

Then you are one of the few unlucky ones mate none of the picture you paint has happened to us none. In fact I find a lot of your statement very hard to belive. Knocking on bedroom door at all hours do you not lock your front door??????.

[chilli42]

Without going into too much detail, being so close can be too convenient for family members to involve you in their lives/squabbles etc and their "requests".

I am not talking about money in any way shape or form. They have never asked for money.

The Thai "family" and its boundaries are not the same, and the what's yours is mine, and families share etc, can be taken too far at times and the establishment of boundaries is constantly required and enforcing them can become tiresome. The obvious "rank" and influence the wife's parents hold can also be a problem at times when being so close.

It has had its advantages too, in some (rare) situations, but overall, better to keep a comfortable distance, is my opinion.

Others may have a different experience.

I endorse this post. My in-laws moved into a guest house we have on our land. It was to be temporary arrangement. They are nice people with their own source of income. It is handy to have them avsilable to look out for the property when we are not there. But that is a small plus stacked up against the negatives: loss of privacy, too much "sharing" and my wife being dragged into family squabbles.

[ardokano]

What you should do is move in with your in laws for 6 months, because when you build a home next door it will be practically the same.

Everything that you own will become shared, any food you buy and store will be tasted and probably eaten. All of their household needs will end up being "borrowed" from you on a permanent basis. You will have zero privacy, they will be knocking on your bedroom door at any time of day or night when they want their daughter.

If you have any form of transport it will be their primary mode of transport.

Don't do it, as another poster said, get as far away as possible!

Believe me, I spent about 1 year living with my in laws (and they are really nice people - honestly!) when I started building a home and in that space of time my mother in law was lucky i didn't hack her to death and douse her in petrol just to vent. Now we are in our own place a few miles away we get on better than ever.

Then you are one of the few unlucky ones mate none of the picture you paint has happened to us none. In fact I find a lot of your statement very hard to belive. Knocking on bedroom door at all hours do you not lock your front door??????.

it is so terrible and criminal place that you need to lock the frontdoor in the house at night?

[aussiandrew]

If you can't speak Thai when they come over and they will come over all the time, specially when it's hot to be near the A/C. You will find you will have to go into another room or outside in the garden because it will drive you craze along with the loud nightly TV programmes which they all love.

You will not see must of you wife without the tribe being with her and it will get to her as well.

I tried it for 4 years in the end I said are you coming or staying up to you.

Best thing I ever did it was painful but worth it in the long run for both of us.

Good luck mate.

[worrab]

We have built next door to my g/f's parents in a village. They are in good health with their own money and cannot see this posing any problems. Mum cooks most of the time for all of us because she enjoys it and is a damn good cook. We have made decisions together about the build and wall/fencing around the properties with no problems. She has also spent a great deal of money on a filtration and reverse osmosis system for the well water. She says this is to ensure we all have good water for all of us and for when friends visit. I am quite happy to drive father about if need be after he had an accident on his motorbike which has put him off riding it now otherwise he would be stuck.

Maybe we are luckier than most posters on here, as family squabbles just do not happen. And there is freedom between the 2 homes without being intrusive. You can only do what you feel is right and nobody else can make the decision for you as all families are different.

This is the Thai way of keeping family bonds close and it works for us as it does for many other Thai families in the village who either all live together or next door.

Edited May 3, 2016 by worrab

[johndudorn]

This does not work out well the overwhelming majority of the time.

Thais do not have the same sense of privacy that Westerners do....both in terms of walking into the house whenever they please, helping themselves to anything of yours etc but also in terms of prying/interfering in personal matters.

And they will put considerable pressure on your wife to do things "their" way; this may also include pressure to give them financial assistance.

Should you have children, this will be a particular problem and you may find yourself voiceless in how they are raised.

Both you and your wife will be happier if you build further away, and relations with the inlaws will likely be much more harmonious that way.

Same experience (no privacy) when I visited her family over the years (43). So when we build our home my wife wanted her sister and niece to come live with us. I did not have any objections. Both were (sister in law passed) very caring people, but I explained how I enjoy my privacy. So we built a two bedroom house on our land for them and then our retirement home over ten years ago. They were not a burden and my wife was happy to take care of family members. In this case her sister who had raised her after her mother died and they were living in abject poverty. So my sister-in-law thought the world of me and on her death bed I was the last person she talked about... I guess my point is it depends on how you get along with the in-laws! Her family two brother, ex-husband, grand kids and great grand kids all live with in 20 KM.. Has not been an issue for us.

[Mr Moo]

Never, not here in Thailand or anywhere else.

[sead]

I hate topics where op knows the answer before writing it

[nongsangcity]

Dave.....you know the answer........keep well clear.........otherwise you will be paying for every thing.....take care of yourself first and foremost....you are just white trash in the grand scheme of things....

[pgrahmm]

https://youtu.be/GG5ghP8XLW8

A musical summary of the accumulated answers.....

There is some good info here (thread) though.......

[cheapcanuck]

Absolutely not!

[khundon]

Fill your car with fuel and drive until the fuel runs out. Add 100 miles to the distance you have just traveled and build your house there.

[flyingdoc]

I agree with most posts! 100 - 200 Km is ideal ! Certainly no nearer!

[Brer Fox]

NO...... Under whatever circumstances.

[BlindMagician]

Well there is 2 completely opposite answers.

Take the average then.

[MJCM]

I moved from 400+ kms away from the inlaws to 0.5kms away from them, and as I already said in a previous post no intrusions from them what so ever were we currently live and when they come it's usual that we want them to come over. For me personally I am glad to have the family of the wife living close.

Short (true) story.

Last years (short but sometimes heavy) rainy season.

Our newly build fishpond was starting to overflow because of the influx of rainwater (please note this was at 2am). Wifey called the BIL, because we didn't (then) had a pump to drain the excess water. The BIL came and drained the pound, and every single night (after that) when it was raining he would wake up in the middle of the night drive to the house and check sometimes 2-3 times at night.

Good neighbours are great but having good family is IMO better

But again YMMV

Edited May 3, 2016 by MJCM

[williamgeorgeallen]

i am staying in easn for 5 months for one school term/semister. good for my kids to spend time with their grand parents. i cant see why anyone would want to retire up country. samui, hua hin or pattaya (for us naughty pandas) are all far better options. try living up country before you blow any cash building a house. every ferang i know who built a house up country regretted it. i am now staying in a house built buy some italian guy for the mum of my 2 kids. i know he regretted it.

[rgs2001uk]

What you should do is move in with your in laws for 6 months, because when you build a home next door it will be practically the same.

Everything that you own will become shared, any food you buy and store will be tasted and probably eaten. All of their household needs will end up being "borrowed" from you on a permanent basis. You will have zero privacy, they will be knocking on your bedroom door at any time of day or night when they want their daughter.

If you have any form of transport it will be their primary mode of transport.

Don't do it, as another poster said, get as far away as possible!

Believe me, I spent about 1 year living with my in laws (and they are really nice people - honestly!) when I started building a home and in that space of time my mother in law was lucky i didn't hack her to death and douse her in petrol just to vent. Now we are in our own place a few miles away we get on better than ever.

Then you are one of the few unlucky ones mate none of the picture you paint has happened to us none. In fact I find a lot of your statement very hard to belive. Knocking on bedroom door at all hours do you not lock your front door??????.

do you not lock your front door??????.

Yes I did, woke up the next morning to find the Hillbillies had chopped it up for firewood to eat moo ping.

That door was Mai Sak, bloody expensive.

[rgs2001uk]

The bottom line here is, whose dream are you financing, yours or your girls?

If she wants to live upcountry, let her finance it.

The honest truth is, I dont know of many farangs who woke up one morning and thought, I want to live in the ass end of nowhere.

Not mentioned, bloody roasting in the summer, freezing in the winter.

Water shortages, brown outs.

The bloody dust.

Charcoal farms next door.

No internet, no farang television.

Boredom, boredom, boredom.

Nothing to do, it will do your head in.

I remember going upcountry to visit a friend, the highlight of his week, drinking lao kao with the locals (that he paid for) to watch Thai boxing on a Sunday afternoon on a black and white telly outside some mom n pop shop.

[MJCM]

The bottom line here is, whose dream are you financing, yours or your girls?

If she wants to live upcountry, let her finance it.

The honest truth is, I dont know of many farangs who woke up one morning and thought, I want to live in the ass end of nowhere.

Not mentioned, bloody roasting in the summer, freezing in the winter.

Water shortages, brown outs.

The bloody dust.

Charcoal farms next door.

No internet, no farang television.

Boredom, boredom, boredom.

Nothing to do, it will do your head in.

I remember going upcountry to visit a friend, the highlight of his week, drinking lao kao with the locals (that he paid for) to watch Thai boxing on a Sunday afternoon on a black and white telly outside some mom n pop shop.

Ooh very short sighted comments.

Brownouts Yes, but can be easily solved with a genset / ups.

Water shortages, in the area were we live fortunately none, but we also have a 40m well which provides (if needed) good water (and yes I had it tested at a BKK lab).

Internet available (lookup TotWiNet)

Farang Tv, when you have internet you can watch all the Farang Tv you want.

I have enough things to do to keep me busy, and no need to go out (lived 5+ years in Pattaya and don't wanna go back)

Drinking Lao Khao not my thing, but the neighbours come by once a while and bring their own beers and also Lao Khao (for those who like it) and we have a great time. The whole evening only costs us doing some washing up (the glasses they drink out) and maybe some snacks.

The only thing I have to agree with is the dust.

But it's not for everyone, just try it and if you don't like it MOVE.

[ardokano]

We live same village as family no problem. I want to be close to my mum husband happy with that. We look up to family when they get ill/old. It's our way. As for houses trashed maybe in city not here and never seen in any village.

Husband do not want be close to him mum/father/sister/ brother?

obvious answer is staring you in the face my friend (Mr here) if I wanted to be close to my syblings I wouldn't be in Thailand would I !!!!!. (Mum and dad long gone) I came to Thailand to get away from home country's rat race,met and married the Mrs and happy with life and where we live. Reading posts on this subject it seems you all belive living close to wifes family leaves you open to all sorts. Not so I see my in laws probably once a week sometimes once every couple of weeks. Family do not come to house everyday, they do not expect anything diffrent because I'm a farang. I am treated the same by all. If there's an emergency of course I'm there to help. Most of the posts I belive are myths and worse case senario. Not saying some are hard work but that's probably just a few.

we are all diffrent what's good for one might not be good for all. But one bad experience doesn't make things the norm does it.

I confused.

You SHE or He?

"obvious answer"

Not Really.

I Know many guys who want but cant or have another WANTS what cant be near they family.

"Mum and dad long gone"

Sorry . I do not want hurt any.

PS

I am first ansver to girl .

But if guy do not care about stay near they family( brother sister have? cousin?) Or not have family.

And more care stay near Wife family. Its his way..

Ps

You sure your wife can stay for you near your family?