ballpoint

I took my gran to one of those spas with little fish that nibble dead skin. A bit expensive, but a damn sight cheaper than a funeral would have been.

Don't mean to brag, but I overheard the doctor mention a trophy whilst talking about my muscles.

I'm not saying people in my area have bad teeth, but one woman just smiled in Tesco and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.

"I'm going out to scrape the car," my wife said one icy morning. "Against what?" I replied.

I phoned up a hotel and the receptionist said "hello, best western?". I said "Unforgiven with Clint Eastwood".

A bad workman always blames his fools… Tools, I meant tools. Stupid keyboard…

Few people know that Albert Einstein had a brother who was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts. His name was Frank.

A Chinese kid asks his father: "Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?" He replies: "I am not your dad"

I'll have you know, I was known as the love machine in my teens. I'm useless at tennis.

A human fart can actually be louder than a trombone. I discovered that fact at my sons school concert.

Did I ever tell you that my great grandfather's first job was as a comedian on the Titanic? His one liner went down really well with his audience.

Went to a new restaurant in town. The waiter said "For starters there's badger soup, followed by roast badger and finishing with badger mousse." "Is there anything else apart from badger?" I asked. "No", he replied. "It's a sett menu."

It's National Women's Day today. It was going to be yesterday, but they weren't ready.

A man visits the doctor for help with an embarrassing problem. He explains that whenever he breaks wind, it sounds like a motorbike accelerating. The doctor asks to take a look at the source of the problem and immediately diagnoses the fact that the man has an abscess in just the spot to generate this sound. The man asks what this has to do with the sound of a motorbike accelerating to which the doctor replies 'Everyone knows that abscess makes the fart go Honda'.

I went for a job interview yesterday the bloke said "it's a £7.20 start but it goes up to £14 an hour in six months. Now, when can you start?" I said "in six months"...

I Googled 'Led Zeppelin reunion' and it came back with 'Page not found'...

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

I remember years ago telling my Mum I’d won the Leslie Nielsen Award at school. “What’s that?” she asked. “It’s a big building with lots of teachers and pupils, but that’s not important".

I asked the librarian if she had any books by Shakespeare. Which one she asked ? William I answered.

My mate once set me up on a blind date. He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby." I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!!..

My wife cannot stop talking. I thought she had a beauty spot on her jaw, but it was a grease nipple.

My wife asked me what would stop the stairs from creaking, Apparently slimming world was not the right answer.

I went on a date recently and she asked, "Any pets?"... I said, "Yes, a goldfish". "Any hobbies?"... I said - "Yes, he likes swimming".

I'm hosting a party for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can't come, let me know.

What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.