ballpoint

I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. But it could just be a Chinese Wispa.

My uncle died the other day. He was a deck chair attendant. It took them five attempts before they got him in the coffin.

Before the game of golf was invented, how did we measure hailstones?

A kid on the children's ward asked, "Doctor, will you come visit me when I leave hospital?" "Probably not," he replied, "graveyards give me the creeps."

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you" "Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once!" "Alright, here's some good news" said the secretary "You're not sterile..."

They really need to figure out a way to loudly play "March of the Valkyries" from the HIMARS rockets as they take out Wagner.

Six years ago, August 16th 2016, Trump said: "In my administration, I'm going to enforce all laws concerning the protection of classified information... ...No one will be above the law". Happy anniversary.

The DOJ have effectively put paid to speculation that this search was only aimed at retrieving the documents and no more. It has stated that it will not be releasing the affidavit used to get the search warrant, unless a court order specifically requests they do so, as it was still under seal due to ongoing criminal and national security investigations. ie, at least two serious investigations relating to these documents are still ongoing.

He'd have to take his girlfriend with him. Only if she'd be willing to leave her husband, Jared, behind though.

My favourite name for a planet is Saturn. It has a nice ring to it.

I bet anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir recently is s****ing themselves at the moment!

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognising a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?” The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?” He quickly adds” . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer.” The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses.” The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?” “That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

I read today that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s certainly true in my case. I've never eaten a monkey

I once had an an interview at a Blacksmith. He asked me, 'Are you any good at shoeing horses?' I replied, 'No, but I once told a donkey to **** off.'

I was rear-ended in my car by an ice-cream van.. I'm now suffering from Mr Whippylash!

Blind prostitutes. You have to hand it to them.

From what we know of Trump's insecurity and childish delight at thinking he's getting one over his opponents, whether they know, or care, about it or not, he probably sat up at night thumbing through and gloating over them while pretending he was still president. However, what if the reason for the delay in grabbing these documents, despite them knowing where they were for a few months now, was that the FBI was running a sting operation, with an undercover agent posing as a buyer for some of them, and the fish just took the bait? Admittedly, it's a rather big 'what if', but the possibility is there.