ballpoint

I see him like someone who steals a major art work and keeps it in his home so he can look at it, and gloat over it, whenever he wants. Though, in Trump's case, I suspect he wouldn't even need to look at it, just the thought of it being there would be enough.

A fat old man went to the gym and asked "which machine should I use to attract girls?" The trainer replied "The one outside, with ATM written on it".

"Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawnmower." "That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him in sooner?" "Because the neighbour just returned him this morning."

My dog ate all the tiles from my Scrabble game, so I took him to the vet. No word yet though.

I went out mackerel fishing yesterday but before I could get the boat back on the trailer I was spotted by the RNLI Am now typing from a top notch hotel in Milton Keynes waiting for my pizza.

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar." In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?" "No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."

When I was little, we were so poor, that on my 6th birthday, my mum put 3 candles on a cake and put it in front of a mirror.

Last weekend I was on the couch. My wife poked me to see if I was still alive. I opened my eyes and she sighed.

Barristers in the UK are set to go on strike. Screw them, I'll just make my own coffee at home and take a flask.

The family is gathered around the dinner table. First child says "mummy, how did I get my name?" Mummy says "well, when we were leaving the hospital after you were born, a flower petal floated down and landed on your head, so we named you "petal"". Next child asks "how did I get my name?" Mummy says "when we were leaving hospital after you were born, a cherry blossom floated down and landed on your head, so we named you "Blossom""". Third child says "ughughughugh" Mummy says "yes, Brick?"

My dad is a man of very few words. He once said to me, “Son;”

My dog can do magic tricks. It's a Labracadabrador.

Trump can't help spouting off and shooting himself in the foot. Now openly admitting that he had the top secret SCI documents in his house, where they were stored in cartons, while trying to make a point against the FBI: And one of his attorneys isn't doing much better. While claiming that the pictures released by the FBI don't show how his office normally looks, her denial included the words "anyone who has visited President Trump's office - he has guests frequently there" Trump admits that he had the documents, his attorney admits that the area was open to frequent visitors. The clown show continues. Maybe he's going to plead insanity?

I can't wait for the future