ballpoint

I threw a surprise bukkake party for my wife. Everybody came.....you should have seen her face!

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the supermarket that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."

I went to an outdoor restaurant last night. It was a disaster. Pouring with rain. It took me nearly 3 hours to finish my soup.

"Come on. Will you just try it for size?" I asked my wife, "I spent loads on it and I only bought it because I thought you'd look great in it." She didn't reply. She just stood there slowly shaking her head and staring at the coffin.

A lamp post near me has gone missing. I’ve sellotaped posters to all the local cats.

On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?” He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

This headline must be the first time the words "succeed" and "Liz Truss" have appeared together.

Rubbish. Hoi are not crustacea, they're molluscs.

They'd better get a move on. Only 10 more Prime Ministers till Christmas.

But Putin doesn't control the places where the drones "landed", however hard he's tried. He's making a veiled threat to the UN Secretary-General against visiting another nation's sovereign territory.

He was made CMG by Queen Elizabeth in her New Year's honour's list, and only just presented it by Princes Anne. He obviously made an impression on the queen when he appeared with her at the London Olympics' opening ceremony. I can see her dry sense of humour in awarding it, rather than a CBE as most entertainers get.

It's a Merc. I got three years of first class insurance free when I bought the car. When I went to reinsure it with the same company after that they quoted 87,000. Trying another insurer's local office gave 67,000, so I went online to the kangaroo place and was very pleasantly surprised. The car's now five years old, and this is from the latest policy, my second year with them: "Normal" premium would be 66,440.15 Driver discount 11,724.73 No claim discount (they checked with my previous insurer and gave this right away, the first year I was with them) 31,722.07 "Other" discounts (Dash-cam) 7978.67 Total premium (excluding compulsory) 25,507.09

Along with the rise of mobile phone games and social media. Kids are stuffing themselves with high energy food and beverages while fixated on their phones. I imagine that the next evolutionary step for humans will be the loss of legs and the introduction of a large sucker on the posterior, allowing them to clamp themselves to the couch, limpet like.

While most car insurance here is for the car only, regardless of who's driving it (and in some cases who even owns it, as the insurance may be transferred to the new owner when the car's sold), some companies offer a discount if only driven by drivers named in the policy. For example, my car, insured with "R", has only my wife's and my names listed. They wouldn't pay out if anyone else was driving. While I doubt if your girlfriend has such a policy, it's worth checking, and you may be allowed to add your name to the list as well. ("R" allow up to four designated drivers, with the policy discount being based on the age of the youngest, so if you're older than your girlfriend there wouldn't be any additional payment). (It's well worth considering a named driver policy. I was quoted between 67,000 - 87,000 a year for my car with other companies, but, with named driver and dash-cam discounts, "R" insured it for 27,000). Edit: Wasn't sure about naming the company, so changed it to "R".