ballpoint

They didn't pay a thing, just snickered. Bunch of flakes.

I think you've milked that joke as far as it will go.

I refer you to my previous Morse code and semaphore post. (And no, a semaphore post isn't what holds up a semaphore flag).

To be fair, ever since the nasty accident, she was only his half girlfriend.

Will you swear on that?

What is it with these people that refuse to embrace modern technology? Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

A magician broke up with his girlfriend because he found someone else's coin behind her ear.

I got beaten up this morning in a lift. A woman got in wearing a low cut top with a magnificent set of breasts spilling out. I couldn’t help staring. It all kicked off when she said “Will you press one please?” So I did. Can’t remember much after that.

I got ripped off yesterday, I bought an old Elvis record from the market “Wooden Leg” I said to the stall owner, “ I thought he sang Wooden Heart?” He said... “This is a pirate version”

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people pass by, but they put money only into the hat of the guy behind the cross. A priest who’d been watching the pair walked up to the beggar with the Star of David and said, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a catholic country. People won’t give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside another beggar who has a cross. In fact, they’d probably give him more money just out of spite.” The beggar thanked the priest and then turned to beggar with the cross and said, “Moshe—look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing"

My 3 favourite things are eating my girlfriend and not using commas.

While I was working in a chocolate factory one of the team fell into a vat of chocolate. Someone started to climb into the vat to save their colleague. I told him "Billy don't be an Aero"

The year is 2021. There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit. However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my **** and wriggles it about a bit.

Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide. Proves his point really.

Is it bad luck to be superstitious?

A barrister arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling depressed. when he walked through the door at home, his wife started on at him: “What time of night to be getting home is this? He headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. “They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said. To which he whirled around and screamed: “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?"

Just seen the BBC news headlines. Apparently the police are holding three men over a fire in West London. Bit harsh, I wonder what they've done?