FAMILY PARTY. Advice needed.

[wgdanson]

My GFs 19 year old daughter has 'batted for the other side' for many years, having had a lot of girlfriends in that time. My GF allowed them to sleep in her bedroom.

Three months ago she announced that she had 'turned' and had got a boyfriend, 25 years old, divorced. Nice chap! They sleep together in her room, so all the palaver of The Pill etc..

Now his parents are coming to visit us to discuss a 'good luck party' for them at our house. Maybe 100 people need feeding and watering.

My income is the only one into the household, I pay daughter's school and room in the city, health insurances etc etc. 

But I DO NOT want to pay 50,000 Baht or whatever to get the families p...ssed. I would rather give that money to daughter and boyfriend to set up home somewhere.

Has anyone been in this situation?

[CharlieH]

Yes ! Dont get sucked in and end up paying for everything.

If you are doing it because you want to, fine, but dont feel obliged to do it.

 

If you werent there as the ATM what would they do different ? Thats your answer. (IMHO)

[watcharacters]

3 minutes ago, CharlieH said:

Yes ! Dont get sucked in and end up paying for everything.

If you are doing it because you want to, fine, but dont feel obliged to do it.

 

If you werent there as the ATM what would they do different ? Thats your answer. (IMHO)

 

Yep,  They always find a way around  it.

[Denim]

Put your foot down. The ' good luck party ' can not be held at your house but will have to be held at his.

[CharlieH]

Are you sure about whats going on here ? Parents over etc (discuss sinsod ?) , sounds more like a village Wedding ? 

[BritManToo]

23 minutes ago, wgdanson said:

Has anyone been in this situation?

 Sounds like time for a 2-week VISA run.

[wgdanson]

2 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

 Sounds like time for a 2-week VISA run.

I am on a retirement extension. But it is the 'un-necessary' expense I object to. A bit like say a UK couple get married, spend £20,000 on a wedding day, then struggle for a few years to find deposit for a house. In my eyes....crazy.

[BritManToo]

38 minutes ago, wgdanson said:

I am on a retirement extension.

SHE doesn't understand what that means, you can still do a VISA run.

I always found 'not being there' when a family expense happened avoided a lot of arguing. 

Edited October 24, 2018 by BritManToo

[wgdanson]

2 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

SHE doesn't understand what that means, you can still do a VISA run.

I always found 'not being there' when a family expense happened avoided a lot of arguing. 

Sorry, but my GF of 10 years DOES know what a Retirement Extension means. Thanks, BUT I shall still have to pay!

[Pilotman]

I would give a certain amount, say 15,000 and just say that's it.  Refusing to give anything will go down very badly, but neither should you pay all of it, whatever all of it means in Thailand as the cost will be flexible. .  My Thai family has the odd party.  I just decide how much my wife and I should contribute and the party gets organised around that amount.  Give 50K and it will cost 50K,  give 10K and that will be the cost.  

[Emdog]

" Now his parents are coming to visit us to discuss a 'good luck party' for them at our house. Maybe 100 people need feeding and watering."

If anyone hosts a "good luck party" it should be the males parents. Give them the honor and opportunity to show what a good provider he would be. I would imagine that is one reason for Sin Sot, besides losing daughter as buffalo for her family.

This clearly smacks as ploy to go soak some money off of "rich, stupid" farang.

If parents still insist on coming, say okay, but only parents & not every Tom Dick and Harry that wants a party on your tab. Better yet meet with them at some intermediate point hotel: if rest of crowd shows up anyway, it won't be on your tab.

Oh, and you didn't mention how long this party would be for. Once in the door, hard to send back.

[GLewis]

you are being taken for a ride. I have never heard of a "lucky" party for a hundred people. Been here 30+ years and married for 27. Never met a person one who had this occur before the wedding.  You better learn to speak Thai as most of the chatter will be about how they can get more out of you at the shindig they want you to host..

[CharlieH]

Just ran this passed the wife and she laughed and said "joking !, never know this".

 

 

[wgdanson]

6 hours ago, CharlieH said:

Are you sure about whats going on here ? Parents over etc (discuss sinsod ?) , sounds more like a village Wedding ? 

Yes, I think that's what it is, where they tie a bit of wool round their wrists. 

[alien365]

Party for 100 people at your expense sounds ridiculous. I thought that whenever there was a big party for becoming a monk or something like that then envelopes were expected from people attending. If that's the case here then you should get some of the overall cost back. If there's no envelopes then there's no way I would pay for a party of that size. Immediate family maybe, but no way 100 guests

[CharlieH]

11 minutes ago, wgdanson said:

Yes, I think that's what it is, where they tie a bit of wool round their wrists. 

That's a village Wedding !

Good news is there will be envelopes coming in from all the guests with money for the couple.

When we did ours they got around 60k in cash.

 

We paid around 30k for 12 tables (96 people) Food catered and bottle of Whisky and soda on each table. 5k for a Band.

Be warned if you give an invite, they may bring the entire family to feed not just the two on the invite !!

Car parking is a nightmare if you live in a Soi when they all descend to free feed and drink.

If the wife hasnt told you yet, the parents will negotiate Sinsod for sure, and it will need to be shown at the Wedding.

Usually Cash & Gold jewellery for the Bride to wear.

[Denim]

2 hours ago, wgdanson said:

Yes, I think that's what it is, where they tie a bit of wool round their wrists. 

Yes....a bit around the wrists and some over your eyes.

 

Seriously , if you truly feel that you can not get out of this then at least put a limit to your largesse and tell everybody else they will have to make up the balance. Only put in what you can easily afford. If anybody throws a ' kee neeo ' at you ask them how much they are contributing. If its less than you ask why they are more kee neeo than you ?

[wgdanson]

29 minutes ago, Denim said:

Yes....a bit around the wrists and some over your eyes.

 

Seriously , if you truly feel that you can not get out of this then at least put a limit to your largesse and tell everybody else they will have to make up the balance. Only put in what you can easily afford. If anybody throws a ' kee neeo ' at you ask them how much they are contributing. If its less than you ask why they are more kee neeo than you ?

I did think about asking the 'in-laws' how much they were prepared to pay, and I would deposit the same amount into a joint account for the couple. But that is too logical and economical.

Edited October 24, 2018 by wgdanson

[Odysseus123]

14 minutes ago, Denim said:

Yes....a bit around the wrists and some over your eyes.

 

Seriously , if you truly feel that you can not get out of this then at least put a limit to your largesse and tell everybody else they will have to make up the balance. Only put in what you can easily afford. If anybody throws a ' kee neeo ' at you ask them how much they are contributing. If its less than you ask why they are more kee neeo than you ?

Batting for both sides?

 

Seriously they would bat for any side for a big party.

England,Australia,NZ,South Africa,Sri Lanka,West Indies.India..Pakistan..

[thailand49]

They call it many things but this party! good luck is really a way of expressing that their luck comes from the fact their son just won the lottery because you are a farang (ATM) they think.  

Yes, you are in a tough spot because not easy to put forth you feeling but I would find a moment sit your wife daughter/Boyfriend down and give them the loaddown honestlyt.

Like another I've only been here 15 years and live with mainly Thai and never heard of such a thing. You do this and it is pretty much the end you won't be able to keep the ATM flow in check, guess who is going to pay for the baby which no doubt is coming!

If I was there I would tell the parents here is a case of Sangsome and now get the <deleted>> out of here!  but of course that is how I feel I wouldn't actually do it.

As another posted suggested this might be something more like a Thai Wedding but if that is the case the boy parents is suppose to pay any dowry to you or your wife for the hand of your daughter. 

For his parents to suggest such nonsense I would beware with open eyes at all times. This is the type of parents daughter in law I got years before they had to get married I wrote down exactly to my wife what to expect in two years nearly to the date it happened. When she came to me and told me her mother said " tradition " I played dumped and told her your worse nightmare is I'm not Thai where I come from the boy is gold so my tradition is the girl parents pays for everything. I go along to a point to make piece in the house but personally I don't give a rat ass to all this religion and culture B.S. they do here in Thailand it is just beyond going overboard. 

The thing is never get mad show you are serious just be polite and be honest with them tell the family where you stand if they are well off and want to show to 100 people that will have to be on them. Your wife should support you if not that says a lot about her!  Just because we aren't Thai all this B.S. stuff, like 1 baby, small money, cheap, I just smile and walk away just like a Thai man and they will get over it but of course only a Thai gets this privilege.

Good luck!

 

[blackhorse]

Run forest run!

[Puwa]

There are two steps: first, sorting out fact from fiction, then deciding what to do.

 

Seems like the main problem is not expense, but that the people close to you are not telling the truth. As others have pointed out, there is no such thing as a "good luck" party for young, unmarried couples. 

 

Sounds like she's pregnant, hence your info about who sleeps where and the pill etc. If so, the party is indeed a wedding. By tradition, the groom's family pays sin-sot to the bride's mother. Typically, the money goes to wedding expenses, and the balance is given to the new couple to start their life together. Seems like the plan is to save on wedding costs by having you pick up the tab for the party, then doing something else with the sin-sot money. If it turns out that the family can't afford sin-sot, but the wedding must take place anyway, then it's likely that a child is on the way.

 

I could be wrong, so please test the situation. Best is to ask your GF directly. Next, though I don't want to encourage more dishonesty, you might say you need 6 months to save up for the party, otherwise you have to borrow, which you can't because in your culture borrowing money for a good-luck party is extremely unauspicious and would doom the couple's future. See what kind of reaction you get. Similarly, if the date or day of week have been fixed already, and they seem very reluctant to change it, the reason is that they've already consulted monks to "doo ruek," i.e., choose a lucky date. 

 

Regarding what to do, whether the girl is pregnant or not, her family's priority should be to protect her well-being. Don't accept a village wedding only, demand that they register at the Amphur. We have all met millions of women who were knocked up then abandoned by irresponsible men. You and your GF will end up caring for the baby and the mother will go look for work somewhere. Another is to insist that the groom's sin-sot pay for the party, and you will open a savings account, in your name, for the child and contribute something like 10,000 baht per year for education. If the husband does a runner, then at least there's something in the bank for mother and child. 

 

 

[Sheryl]

As everyone has said, there is no such Thai tradition as a "good luck party", this is apparently a wedding.

 

Under Thai tradition the groom's family pay for the wedding!!!!!!!

 

In addition the girl's parents may request a bride price (sin sot) though that is not mandatory.

 

Guests are expected to contribute money as a wedding gift so some, but probably not all, of the expense of the event will get paid back (to the boy's family, who are the ones supposed to pay).

 

Now, while it is the custom that the boy's family pays (and believe me, they know this) in some cases informa arrangements are made if they are financially strapped and the girl's family better off. usually that would be in the form of a partial loan which would then be paid back out of the donations given by the guelsts.

 

I think a talk with your wife is in order, making clear you are aware that the wedding costs are the responxibility of the boy and his family and asking why on earth they are asking you to pay something.

 

The point about making sure the wedding gets registered is also very important. Even if she is not pregnant now she well may be soon.

[DJ54]

OP posts says his parents coming over to discuss “Good luck”party.

last I checked “discuss” is not saying their coming for a party.

 

No need to put a negative spin on it yet maybe he’s a lucky on and

everything will be fair. 

 

OP during the discussion any thing makes you uncomfortable address it. If you decide no tell them and suggest what you 

think would be appropriate.

 

A “good luck”party I’ve not heard of but one never knows

 

Hope it works out! 

[scorecard]

13 hours ago, CharlieH said:

Yes ! Dont get sucked in and end up paying for everything.

If you are doing it because you want to, fine, but dont feel obliged to do it.

 

If you werent there as the ATM what would they do different ? Thats your answer. (IMHO)

If you do support the whole cost you prove to them that (in their eyes) you are a walking ATM with no limits.

 

From personal experience I encourage you to insist on a smaller party with smaller catering and a split 60% you, 40% the other family, and an absolute total amount that your prepared to contribute, and keep it small based on the typical amount that would be paid if it was a total Thai typical village party.  

 

My Thai son actually devised the above, his gf's family were insistant on having a big village party so the locals could see the rich farang / the father of the Thai looking boy with a farang surname.

 

He told his GF that it wasn't on and then told her parents that it would OK with the split I mentioned above. He also told her family that if anybody from her family or the locals asked his father for money or vehicles or whatever the party would close immediately.

 

Her parents were shocked and told my son so, he told them it's my plan or no plan. He had already realized that if there was a future to his relationship with the girl he needed to take a stand, especially with the girls mother who is often demanding and controlling and had already several times told my son that she is older therefore my son has to do whatever she says.

 

Eventually they agreed and the whole thing was reduced in all aspects. Party was OK.

 

Uppermost in my son's view was that it was a trial run for a big wedding. The wedding did take place later paid for on the same 'formula' mentioned above.

 

The only negative was that the girl older / middle aged full on overwight loud mouth full-on lady boy brother got out drunk and out of hand and was bundled into a car and taken to another house to sleep it off. But not before he tried to demand that the farang give him a house in a moo baan and a BMW. Next morning he disappeared and not seen for a couple of weeks.

 

 

Edited October 24, 2018 by scorecard

[Tongjaw]

4 hours ago, wgdanson said:

I did think about asking the 'in-laws' how much they were prepared to pay, and I would deposit the same amount into a joint account for the couple. But that is too logical and economical.

Is it not the guys family that normally pays? You’ve been an active member of TV for many years so you know your getting taken for a ride with this request. 

[PerkinsCuthbert]

Wat iz 'good luk party', pliz?

[wgdanson]

Thanks to everyone for their advice. It IS a village wedding that are talking about, and the boys' family have now agreed to pay Bht 40k for the party plus Sinsod etc etc. So I am in the clear. I have chatted with GF and daughter and told them that if and when they do the legal thing after a year living together, I shall put money in HER bank for them. I also made it clear that I thought all this traditional palaver was a load of BS in 2018. Once again thanks for all your help.

[Pilotman]

I had Parties in the UK all the time:  before the Super Bowl,  on mid summers night, when the cat died, when I felt like it.  Why can't the Thais have a 'good luck party'.  I do believe that we had one when my son got engaged to his now wife. Isn't this just an engagement party?   What's so odd about that?    

Edited October 25, 2018 by Pilotman

[Tongjaw]

5 hours ago, Pilotman said:

I had Parties in the UK all the time:  before the Super Bowl,  on mid summers night, when the cat died, when I felt like it.  Why can't the Thais have a 'good luck party'.  I do believe that we had one when my son got engaged to his now wife. Isn't this just an engagement party?   What's so odd about that?    

Perhaps the difference is you didn’t ask someone else to foot the bill for you and your friends to party.