Worst Joke Ever 2024

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12 hours ago, ravip said:

Apparently you only have about 15 seconds for them to decide. So the above is a fallacy

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[ballpoint]

I took my cat to the vet and explained she was very listless and not moving.

The vet put a stethoscope to her chest and said “Say aaah”

“She can’t say aaah!” I said.

“I wasn’t talking to the cat", he replied, "I was talking to you. The cat’s dead”

[ballpoint]

I can proove to you that I'm psikick.
Right now you're thinking, "He can't spell."

[ballpoint]

I'm extremely passionate about preserving endangered animals.
You should taste my panda jam or rhino chutney.

[ballpoint]

My wife has just told me that I don't know how to shave properly...
Bloody cheek!

[ballpoint]

Who believes in telekinesis?
Raise my hand!

[ballpoint]

A farmer gets, after many years of no contact, a visit from his brother, who is a priest.
Proudly he leads him around his farm.

“See this field of grain, I grew this!” “Yes, but with God's help!” the priest says.

A bit further, he shows him a meadow with gorgeous cows grazing. “See those cows, I bred them!” he says. Again the priest says “Yes, but with God's help!”.

The farmer feels a bit insulted and keeps silent for the rest of the walk.

Shortly after they arrive at a piece of uncultivated ground, full of thistles and brambles. “What happened here?” the priest asks.

“Well, here I let God do the farming by himself!”

[ballpoint]

So, Auld Alec is working in the sawmill with his new assistant, Billy.
One day Billy slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Auld Alec quickly wraps the wound in a towel and puts the severed limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Billy to the local hospital.

Next day, Alec goes to the hospital and asks after Billy.
The nurse says,
"Oh he’s out in rehab exercising."
Alec can’t believe it, but there’s Billy out the back exercising his now reattached arm.

Three days later, Billy is back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Billy slips and severs his leg on another big saw thingy.
Auld Alec wraps the wound in a towel, puts the severed limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital again.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies,
"He’s out in the rehab again exercising."
Sure enough, there’s Billy out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.

Billy comes back to work four days later fully recovered.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and this time severs his head.
Wearily Auld Alec wraps the wound in a towel, puts the head in a bag and transports it and Billy to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Billy is.

The nurse breaks down crying and says,
"He’s dead!"
Alec is shocked and sighs,
"I suppose the saw finally did him in?"

"No," replies the nurse,
"Some stupid idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

[ballpoint]

A postman came to my door and said,
Is this letter for you? The name is smudged
I said, No, my name is Bob.

[ballpoint]

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to buy some cups.

[ravip]

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning… that can keep me awake for days.

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[isaanistical]

4 hours ago, ravip said:

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning… that can keep me awake for days.

About 40 years ago, that was an ad for VW in the US. Finally got to you, I guess.