Worst Joke Ever 2024

[sanuk711]

[sanuk711]

[Davo369]

[chickenslegs]

On 9/28/2020 at 11:35 AM, ballpoint said:

I hate it when I have to ask for the joke to be explained.

 

I'm asking

[chickenslegs]

[tifino]

 

The ATO (IRS equivalent to others) decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the ATO office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his Solicitor.

 

The auditor said;

 “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment. Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the ATO finds that believable.”

 

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”

 

Grandpa says;

“I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says,\;

“It’s a bet.”

 

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor’s jaw drops.

 

Grandpa says;

 “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

 

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

 

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s Solicitor as a witness.

He starts to get nervous.

 

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks.

“I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own Solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

 

“Not really,” says the attorney.

“This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”

 

 

 

[ravip]

[sanuk711]

9 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

I hate it when I have to ask for the joke to be explained.

 

I'm asking

New Covid19 rules in UK...no more than 6 people together........

[sanuk711]

[sanuk711]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[ballpoint]

A man goes into a chip shop with a salmon under his arm and says
"Have you got any Fishcake's"
Bloke behind the counter says "no mate sorry"
The man then says "shame, its his birthday"

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

Doctor: I'm sorry, I can't seem find the cause of your problem - It could be the alcohol.
Patient: I understand Doc. I'll come back when your sober.

[ballpoint]

[billd766]

5 hours ago, ravip said:

I know that feeling very well.

[fangless]

A mum takes her daughter to the doctor
The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Suzie is pregnant. About 4 months would be my guess.”

The mother says, “Pregnant?!  She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man!  Have you, Suzie?”

Suzie says, “No mum! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it.

A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”

The doctor replies,

 

"No, not really. It's just that the last time something like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

[fangless]

 A girl goes to the doctor’s complaining of a strange mark on her chest.
When she shows it to the doctor, he sees a letter C imprinted on her breasts.

“How did you get this?” he enquires.

“It’s my boyfriend. He wears a medallion around his neck which has a C on the end of it, representing the university he goes to – Cambridge. And when we make love, it presses into me.”

“Okay, well use this cream twice a day and it’ll soon go away,” says the doctor.

The next day, another girl visits the surgery. She’s complaining of a strange mark on her chest which is like the letter O.

“My boyfriend wears a silver O round his neck representing Oxford University and when we have sex, the weight of his body leaves a mark” she explains.

“I know just what you need,” says the doctor, and he gives her some cream. On the third day, another girl comes in to see him. This one has the imprint of an M on her chest.

“I know what that is,” says the doctor confidently. “I bet your boyfriend goes to Manchester University.”

 

 

“Oh no,” she replies, “but I do have a girlfriend at Windsor wild life commune.”

[fangless]

[fangless]

Just a quick warning for some!!

 

[fangless]

[Peter Denis]

Nice Surprise

 

[Peter Denis]

Fashion First

 

[Peter Denis]

At the restaurant...